Reviewer: monique0912345

Review: Placebo

Client: Atari33

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Blurb on book:

This is not your average high school story. It's not your typical quiet nerdy girl gets noticed by the popular crowd and is loved by all. No. This is a story about drugs, violence and deceit. We're not following a socially awkward quirky girl but rather an outcasted and lowkey evil one.

Join Eli as she learns that to escape a life of lies, she must use more lies. But despite her questionable means of finding a new life, she does learn the odd moral virtue - particularly that of friendship.

Title:

I liked the title. I found it unique and have never come across a book with this title.

Cover:

I liked the cover and especially loved the fact it is a vector cover. It is amazing. The only thing I will say is the author's name is a little too small and is a little hard to see so maybe you can enlarge it a touch?

Blurb:

I enjoy your blurb. It tells us about your story and I think it is gripping!

Plot/flow:

I think the plot and flow is great. I loved how you have short chapters as they make it easy to read and follow.

Grammar:

You had okay grammar throughout, but I noticed you don't punctuate dialogue as in no commas when dialogues ended in dialogue tags and no full stops when dialogue ends in action tags. I will mention these instances in the Dialogue part. I notice you use a lot of dash ( - ) when you could easily use a full stop or comma. Be careful not to overuse the dash.

Character Development:

I really saw a development in your characters while reading. I love your main character and I love how she develops as we read. She seems like a strong person who doesn't want to talk to people or get along with them but she seems to warm up later on.

Descriptions:

I really enjoyed the descriptions throughout. They allowed the reader to see the scene as it happens which is great!

Dialogue:

You had good dialogue throughout. They were relatable as well. There were some improvements I spotted as I will mention below.

Chapter 2:

(Inline ^1) What you have: 'You're late' Ms whatever-her-name-was chided as I let the door close behind me.

'Yes, I am' I replied matter of factly, my voice emotionless.

'Well don't just stand there, sit down and get started on your work.' She commanded.

(My suggestion) For dialogue usually you use the quotation marks (") but the single ones as you have are fine to use too. 'chided' 'replied' and 'commanded' are all dialogue tags so you need a comma at the end of the dialogues here. Maybe instead of 'close' try 'slam' if you wanted but what you have works too. You also need proper paragraphs between the 3 dialogues instead of them being directly after each other. Try this;

"You're late," Ms whatever-her-name-was chided as I let the door slam behind me.

"Yes, I am," I replied matter-of-factly, my voice emotionless.

"Well, don't just stand there. Sit down and get started on your work," she commanded.

(Inline ^2) What you have: 'Hi, I'm Ro-'

'I didn't ask' I cut her off and directed my attention to the worksheet for this class.

'Oh. Sorry,' she mumbled. And that was that. For now.

(My suggestion) The dialogues are close together; I suggest adding another space, so they are in proper paragraphs. You are also missing a comma after 'ask' For the first dialogue you can add maybe an action. Maybe this character extends her arm to shake this main character's hand? I'll change up what you have a little for my example. Try this;

"Hi, I'm Ro-" She extended her hand towards me.

"I didn't ask," I cut her off and directed my attention to the worksheet in front of me.

"Oh. Sorry," she mumbled and shifted in her seat.

There was silence and I ignored her. For now.

Chapter 3:

(Inline ^4) What you have: 'I'm not a stalker' she raised her hands in the air 'I just don't know where anything is in this school.'

(My suggestion) 'she raised her hands' is the action so there has to be a full stop after 'stalker' and 'in the air' It should look like this;

"I'm not a stalker." She raised her hands in the air. "I just don't know where anything is in this school."

(Inline ^5) I will be focusing on this paragraph and the next one. What you have: 'I saw your timetable on your planner' she explained 'we have most of the same classes.'

I made a face at her and proceeded to walk to class. Still struggling to keep up with me, she began to speak again – 'I tried to mention before – my name is Roxy.'

(My suggestion) 'explained' is a dialogue tag so you need a comma after 'planner' also you need a full stop after 'explained'. The dash after 'speak again' should be a full stop. Also instead of telling us the character made a face explain it to us. What face did she make? Happy? Sad? Angry? Did she poke her tongue out? Did she pull her eyebrows together? Remember show don't tell because your readers don't know what face the character is making like you do. A reader can't read the mind of the author. Try this;

"I saw your timetable on your planner," she explained. "We have most of the same classes."

I poked my tongue out at her and proceeded to walk to class. Still struggling to keep up with me, she began to speak again. "I tried to mention before, my name is Roxy."

(Inline ^6) What you have: 'Well, friends don't poison each other' I mused, a slight smile tugging at my lips.

(my suggestion) 'mused' is a dialogue tag so after 'each other' you need a comma. Also, instead of tugging you can use 'tugged' to keep it past tense. Try this;

"Well, friends don't poison each other," I mused, a slight smile tugged at my lips.

Chapter 5:

(Inline ^7) For this one I will focus on one of the sentences. What you have: 'I don't know who they are' I replied and went back to my pasta.

(My suggestion) 'replied' is a dialogue tag so you need a comma after 'they are'. Try this;

"I don't know who they are," I replied and went back to my pasta.

(Inline ^8) What you have: 'Like I said, I don't know them' I mumbled and stabbed the pieces of pasta with my fork, my knuckles clenching around it. Roxy turned her attention back to the food and began 'you know, this food isn't as bad as you made it out to be. I don't think we'll get food poisoning from it.' I was surprised that she didn't say anything more about the popular crew, maybe she wasn't going to ditch me. yet.

(My suggestion) You have two speakers in this paragraph so remember the rule – a new paragraph for a new speaker. You are missing the comma after 'I don't know them' and a full stop after 'began' or you could remove 'and began' also you forgot the capital letter for 'yet'. Also, instead of 'my knuckles clenching around it' maybe try 'my knuckles turned white around it'. Try this;

"Like I said, I don't know them" I mumbled and stabbed the pieces of pasta with my fork, my knuckles turned white around it.

Roxy turned her attention back to the food. "You know, this food isn't as bad as you made it out to be. I don't think we'll get food poisoning from it."

To my surprise, she didn't mention anything more about the popular crew and it gave me hope that she wasn't going to ditch me. Yet.

Chapter 10:

(Inline ^9) What you have: 'Might as well be - I've read every chemistry book in this library' he smiled. It was a fake smile.

(My suggestion) instead of the dash after 'well be' you can use a full stop. You also need a full stop after 'library' since 'smiled' is an action tag. How does this character know it was a fake smile? Maybe add some more detail on this. Is there something in his eyes that says otherwise? Try this:

"Might as well be. I've read every chemistry book in this library." He smiled but his eyes watered.

(Inline ^10) What you have: 'No?' he seemed relieved 'Well do you know what it's on?'

(My suggestion) Capital letter for 'he' also a full stop after 'relieved'. You can show us how this character knows the boy/guy is relieved. Did his shoulders relax/drop? Did his voice change? Did he soften his voice? Is he looking at the character differently? Try this;

"No?" His shoulders slowly dropped as they relaxed. "Well do you know what it's on?"

(Inline ^11) I will focus on the previous paragraph too with this one. What you have; 'Yes, they are,' I looked at him 'What's wrong? I thought you could help?'

'I don't know where to start' he looked at the vast shelves whilst gulping. He must desperately need to do something here to be willing to help me in this lost cause. Interesting.

(My suggestion) 'looked at him' is an action tag so you need a full stop instead of a comma after 'they are' and you also need a full stop after 'where to start' as 'he looked at the vast shelves' is also an action tag, you also need a full stop after 'looked at him'. Also 'He must desperately need to do something here to be willing to help me in this lost cause.' Sounds a little off to me try omitting it to this 'He must need something to do to be willing to help me in this lost cause.' Try this:

"Yes, they are." I looked at him. "What's wrong? I thought you could help?"

"I don't know where to start." He looked at the vast shelves and gulped. He must need something to do to be willing to help me in this lost cause. Interesting.

Writing Style/sentence structure:

I really liked your writing style, and your sentence structure was also great. There were some little slip ups as I will mention.

Chapter 3:

(Inline ^3) What you have: The second the bell began to chime I tossed my stuff into my bag and catapulted myself out of my seat. I like maths and all but that doesn't mean I like school or even people in general. Whilst I was in a rush to get out of class I was in no hurry to get to my next. As I navigated my way through the hallway, I noticed someone trying to match my stride. Turning around, I saw the girl who sat with me in maths struggling to keep up. I raised an eyebrow at her and asked what she was doing.

(My suggestions) You could probably show us how this character noticed someone trying to match her stride instead of telling us this. You should also show us her asking what the other character was doing. You are missing a comma after 'began to chime' as well. Try this;

The second the bell began to chime, I tossed my stuff into my bag and catapulted myself out of my seat. I liked math and all but that doesn't mean I like school or even people in general. While I was in a rush to get out of class, I was in no hurry to get to my next. As I navigated my way through the hallway, I could see from the corner of my eye a silhouette next to me and disappearing. It then returned and disappeared again. I turned around and saw the girl who sat with me in maths struggling to keep up with me.

I raised an eyebrow and asked, "What are you doing?"

Overall:

Overall, this was a good book. I loved what I read, and I loved the fact that the chapters were short. They were easy to follow and for mobile users they will enjoy the shorter chapters. I really liked reading about Eli. I notice you had a lot of errors regarding dialogue vs action tags. If a dialogue ends in a dialogue tag (said, yelled, screamed, whispered, asked, etc) it must be followed by a comma. If a dialogue ends in an action (what the character is doing) it needs to be followed by a full stop.

Examples:

Dialogue tags:

"Hello," she greeted.

"Who are you?" he asked, scratching his head.

"I hate this!" she screamed and threw pillows across the room.

He said, "She is in trouble."

Action tags:

"What is this?!" She pointed to the mess on the floor.

"I want to leave!" She grabbed her keys and ran away.

"That is a cat." He pointed to the little orange kitten in a cardboard box.

He paced around the room and shook his head. "I can't believe this."

I also noticed you use dashes (-) a lot where you can use full stops and commas. I would suggest going through the entire book and fixing up the issues I raised above. A quick edit is all it needs. Well done!