Reviewer: Mila_333

Review: Unspoken fire

Client: an_jolly

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Blurb

The blurb is very well written and provides all the necessary elements that need to be brought out at the very initial stage. I love how you haven't revealed anything and kept the blurb intriguing enough to make the readers interested as from here. Only issue I have found is some minor mistakes concerning grammar in terms of presentation (line spacing and all). Here's how you could have presented it, using the current words you have right now on your book's description. The bold characters are to showcase the changes made. I am also converting the blurb to the present tense. Please note that this is only a suggestion and not imposed upon.

1*Remove this symbol (~).

2*write the saying horizontally.

3* insert an adjective to describe the tattoo.

4* add adjective to describe girl.

"Red is all I see, Anger is all I feel, to burn is my obsession." Legend says she will rise from the ashes of the pained. She will be reborn and will cleanse the world against wicked souls.

Ruby McKinley is your average teenage girl from the Shine pack, the second strongest pack in North America. Everything turns around in her life on her sixteenth birthday when she is shunned by the Alpha and her pack members. The only family she has left is her elder brother and her best friend.

What happens when Ruby finds a (3*) tattoo on her neck and a strange word engraved on her left eye?

Secrets will be revealed, destiny will be assured and fate will be a step closer to Ruby's life.

..

Colton Saunders is the next in line Alpha of the Bloodline Pack, the strongest pack in North America. He has always been a bit of a workaholic but everything changes for him when he stumbles upon a (4*) girl.

An old legend.

A myth.

A prophecy.

Destiny paired them up for a reason and these two embark on a journey to find answers to unanswered questions.

Join Ruby and Colton on their adventure to seek the truth, to find love and to learn to trust each other.

Title

Judging from the fact that the female protagonist is a fire breed, the title matches perfectly with her character. I have not fully understood the term 'Unspoken' but the whole story isn't available yet, there's only much I can say for now.

Cover

The cover is a good one and the wolf really complements the base of the story. However, if the female protagonist really cannot shift, I suggest you add a human feature on the cover and perhaps place the wolf in the background. As for the color you used for the cover, I have to say I really like it and most importantly it relates so much to the theme of the story. The font size and font style of the title could have been more emboldened to exude a fiercer image. One bonus point you could have gotten is a visual effect of fire lighting on the title words. I suggest you can contact a cover shop to work on that if you wish to.

Plot

The story is interesting with all the unique inventions you added and I feel like it will have a great content. To be honest, the story isn't even halfway yet. So, from where the story's reached, I believe the most intriguing elements are yet to come. Till now, I would give the plot a six out of ten since we have only gotten short glimpses of the werewolf lives, that is, the actual werewolf fights (the rogues' attack back when Ruby was sixteen and an overview of the two protagonists' pack). I also feel like little has been shown in the male protagonist's life. You may add more scenes of him or increase the length of the current scenes he holds. This is only a suggestion as we're only around eight chapters in. So, this suggestion may pose to be invaluable at a later stage in the story.

I also really liked the fact that you made your readers intrigued about the female protagonist's stigma in regard to shift. The element of first making your writers believe that she's an omega and then dropping the bomb that she's blessed with supernatural powers was really cool and it would really be appreciated by people if you keep the twists coming in the later chapters although her actual power still hasn't been revealed yet but has been only guessable. The tardiness of this particular revelation is beneficial to the plot and keep your readers hooked on what's about to happen. However, I suggest you provide more information about the female protagonist's reality. You're still at the eighth chapter. But, if you delay too much, the readers may get annoyed. I'm assuming something big is about to happen in the moon ball and I suggest you give something more on the female protagonist's supernatural power.

You also made a good decision to give a short and simple description on the werewolf world and to explain the terms but this chapter named as "Author's notes" should be the first chapter and then you proceed with the actual story. Also, I recommend mentioning what an Omega means in the Author's notes chapter as it can be confusing for people who are reading a werewolf story for the first time.

Grammar

This is the most crucial section of your review. I suggest you take note of the following points and do not take at heart whatever I'm going to say. First and foremost, by the looks of it, it seems like the current published version of the story is your first draft. A plethora of grammar issues has been noted among which there are punctuation mark problems, typos, wrongly structured sentences, etc. I have tried to help by providing the correction of the mistakes on your work by directly commenting there but at some point there were just too many to point out.

Beginning with the punctuation problems, one of the biggest mistakes was the misuse of semicolon at multiple reprises. There is a specific way to use semicolon in your sentences and what I have noticed is that you've applied semicolon instead of period at multiple places. I think you have been confused between the two. Another very important mistake is the omission of a punctuation mark in a direct speech and sometimes beginning the direct speech with a lowercase letter. There were also a lot of typos here and there. Repetitive words were to be found in one phrase. Some verb tenses were wrongly used and needs to be reviewed. These are things which can annoy readers and some high end readers may even forsake such a lovely content due to the grammar issues.

Hence, it's imperative to work really hard on this section if you want your readers to stick to the end. One positive aspect is that you are still eight chapters in and hence you don't have a lot of chapters to edit. On the other hand, the errors are quite consequent and you should take out some time for this work.

One option to work this out really quick is to hire an editor who shall perfectly manage the task for you. The second option would be to use a grammar application such as Grammarly to edit your work. You can also try copy-pasting your work on a Microsoft Word document which will underline the issues and will also provide a correction. I would advise you to choose the second option and to do the editing by yourself as you will learn a lot in the process and will not have much problem at a later stage if you're planning to write a second story. Or if you're opting for the first option, you can assist the person in his task so that you can grasp some knowledge on the thing.

Writing Style

I would basically rate the writing style as an average. The sentences have been short, simple and sometimes too clipped. I also feel like the presence of grammatical mistakes has impacted adversely on the writing style. Till now, what I have seen is that you merely explain what is happening in the story, that is, you provide simple explanation or description of the actions of the characters. For example, you would mention the person doing this and that and I agree that this should be in the story but it hasn't been well detailed.

Moreover, there is a lack of description in terms of emotions. Yes, sometimes you would specify the character's emotions but I wouldn't feel the depth of it and this is due to the writing style that has to be enhanced. The description of places was also lacking in many scenes. For example, I would have loved to read a glimpse on how their respective pack houses are or the scenes where there was the rogues' attack and the scene where the female protagonist lost her mother should have been a little bit more elaborate. The description provided on the moon pack house and on the Luna Sphera event was quite pleasant and I could picture the places in my mind. Also, the descriptions provided on the supernatural powers, the moon wolf and other related stuffs throughout the story is commendable as there was no room for confusion. The description aspect does get better in the last two chapters.

Please note that I am not saying to increase the chapters for the current amount of content you have published. On the other hand, only an enhancement is needed. The lack of description can lead to a lack of life in the story and you should not allow this to happen. For example, when you wrote Lola's POV relating to Ruby's true self, you could have been a bit more elaborate in terms of their feelings and description. I do acknowledge you were purposely concealing information but due to the sheer simplicity of the words, the scenes lacked life in it although it could have been extremely catchy as the content is amazing. On a side note, you should avoid putting sentences in bold. Again, Lola's POV could have been written normally and the use of bold seemed really exaggerated. Instead of using props, focus on the words to provide the desired impact. You can use the bold feature once in a while but not in every chapter.

Additionally you can use conjunctions also known as linking words to make your sentences longer and more structured. As an Author, it should be your goal to maintain the ability to have your readers visualize, in their minds, the scenes you wish to portray. And you shall only achieve that by enhancing your writing style. Your choice of words, description of emotions and scenes, use of idioms, connotations, linguistic devices (simile, metaphor) and others will have a huge impact on your work.

Characters

I feel like it is quite too early to provide a suitable judgment on the characters. Till now, for the female protagonist, I have only seen the change in her own self, following the death of her parents and her pack members downgrading her at every opportunity they get, not to forget the Alpha of the pack. The only thing I can say is I wish to see her becoming someone who's able to stand up for herself and prioritize her self-respect. She should learn to value her life and stop allowing others to weaken her. I would love to see her proving them all wrong.

As for the male protagonist, there have been only two scenes picturing him. The first one, when he made his first appearance, I have to say I instantly liked him as he was fighting for a good cause. That's one bonus point to make your readers fall in love your main character. And as for the other one, there's something I'd like to highlight. The conversation that Colton had with his wolf is a bit too direct and seemed too clipped. I would recommend you to describe more emotions when he's talking to Rage. The way you have put in the conversation between Colton and his wolf only provides us with the words flowing between them. In reality, I could not feel the actual relationship between the two. I suggest you make it more impactful by adding more intensity.

The first meeting of the two leads was quite okay , I cannot really say much as I'm assuming much more will come in the next chapter that isn't yet published.

Reader's enjoyment

I really appreciate the content and your imagination. I would love to see some more unique invention of yours and I suggest you try to make the plot different from the typical werewolf stories. The only mood kill was the grammar part and the writing style because it would become annoying at some point. I will surely recommend your story once you edit your work and enhance the level.