Reviewer: Mila_333

Review: To Kill A Monster

Client: RBishop152

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Blurb

The blurb definitely has elements which make the story appear enticing and adventurous. However, the blurb does contain some grammatical mistakes and misses some important punctuation marks. I suggest you edit the blurb because leaving grammatical mistakes on the blurb itself does not really give a good image to readers. The blurb is the second thing a person reads in a story, the first being the title, and as they say: "The first impression is the last impression." Hence, this saying corresponds totally to the effect a blurb has.

Title

The title relates to the plot which is a good thing. However, I feel like you can make your title more alluring to grab readers' attention. I also felt like it was too simple for the book's content. I would rate it as a four out of 10 since you could have come up with something more interesting, unique and definitely something more creative. Also, instead of using the word monster you could have used something such as 'demonic monster' since the story is mostly about demons. This is only a suggestion and it doesn't have to be this way.

Cover

The cover does have a spooky and shady vibe which relates a lot to the plot. I also really like the fact that it contains a dark road that matches the main characters' journey to kill Virico, which is a very interesting and creative way to have the cover. The dark color is well suited; however, I would suggest you put your name at the bottom of the cover since the font used to write the title is making your Author name less clearly visible.

Plot

The story took off in a very good way and you sure knew how to keep your readers interested. Since this book can be classified in the supernatural theme, there had to be a lot of explaining to do regarding the different beings, that is demons, witches, half breeds, etc. And, you ensured all the information was provided to the audience and not once did I sense any kind of confusion regarding to the plot. You showed a very good way of keeping your readers hooked at the very beginning, especially in the scene where Grace's friend told her about Virico's appearance in her dream. I really enjoyed it and was hooked to know about the rest. Now, the thing is, since you have already made your readers excited and have certainly set the bar high at the very beginning, it is primordial to maintain that standard level throughout the story and most importantly ensure a very impactful climax.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, the rest of the story was not up to what you initiated in the beginning. Yes, it was fun to read but I expected so much more because I initially recognized the potential you had to make this a great story. For example, at first, you made us believe how much Virico were demonic and vilely powerful and the way you showed it was extremely impactful. Hence, I obviously expected the scene to be more intense when they found Virico. Apart from the description of the cave, the scene lacked seriousness by all means. It was extremely unrealistic and stupidly funny when they carried Virico's coffin on the car. This really went to a whole different level, contradicting the super amazing effect the story had at the initial stage to the effect it held at the end. Moreover, there was a lack of description when they found the coffin. It almost felt as if they were doing something they usually do all the time. Since all the team members played important roles individually, you could have added their own description in relation to the demon. The scene went by so fast and had little impact, leaving your audience with less satisfaction. Only Grace's fear could be felt among the others.

The inclusion of Marian in this scene also made it lose its value if you ask me. She has this not-so-serious nature where she stole the seriousness of the moment. I first thought she was going to help them teleport and I naturally believed that this was the reason she was here for. I was proven wrong and logically speaking she had no reason to be there with them since she was not included at all in all of this and if you wanted her to be the main character, then she should have been there in many more scenes prior to that, regardless of what she did in the end which was a good act in itself but definitely not sufficient enough. She is a sort of distraction if you ask me; she kind of takes the reader away from the main plot. I also felt like the reason the coffin was transported back to the manor on top of the car was due to Marian because she wouldn't allow Cas to tell the others about her special ability. I completely understand her reasons for that but they were somewhat foolish, considering the gravity of the situation. Now, on the other hand, if you wanted to have them carry the coffin on the car to let the demons know about Virico's location so you can have the desired climax a.k.a the bombastic fight, then you could have had them knowing without having the specific scene of transporting the coffin on the car. That part was not necessary at all and ruined it for me.

Now, coming to the climax, I completely understood what you wanted to show and you really have a creative mind that definitely provides interesting ideas. The description of the fight with Virico in the end was very well written. However, there were far too many loopholes that you need to eradicate from the story as it was becoming too unrealistic at some point. Yes, Marian proved herself in the end by not telling the demons about the coffin but the scene had been so unrealistic when she was being held by them and was not adding up since Marian had the ability to teleport. They were hurting her and she was fighting back when she could have easily used her special ability to get rid of these people. I also get it that she didn't want them to know she was a half breed, but, in this case, it was amply evident to save her life and also attack on these people which she would have been able to do if she had used her teleporting ability.

Secondly, I appreciate the way you portrayed Abigor's character as a villain and he did his part very well. However, you have to note that Abigor is the side villain and that Virico was the main one and there was a misbalance of the proportion of scenes allocated to Abigor and Virico and their individual character's effect. In simple terms, since Virico was the ultimate villain, he should have had this really fearful impact but it was quite the opposite. Yes, you made your readers fear Virico in the beginning but the effect began to dim as soon as his coffin was found and it got even dimmer from there. I expected so much more from him in the climax and in turn he was totally smashed by only a couple of demons in seconds. There was a contradiction with reference to the scene where the group read about him in the papers and the climax shown. It was really hard to believe that a couple of half demons were able to take him down so fast compared to around a dozen of witches who struggled so much to keep him locked. Basically, the climax was his first real appearance after so many years, I felt like he was shown too less and the story should have been a bit longer. It felt very unrealistic to have him destroyed by only four to five demons. A good alternative for this climax would have been the combination of the half demons' powers and Grace's spells to take down Virico. I would have enjoyed it so much if Grace could have empowered herself so much more as a witch and she would have been much powerful to be able to get control in the situation. In fact, it was extremely disappointing to have her do what she did. Here, Marian would have served as a good help, given her ability to teleport.

Another very important topic was the romance side in the story. First and foremost, I really appreciate the love triangles you inserted in the story comprising of Grace, Cas and Marian in one love triangle, Kyzer, Grace and Cas in another and Flynn, Marian and Cas in yet another one. Things like this definitely make the story spicier but at least the relationships should develop in the end. I got the clarity for Flynn and Marian's relationship, although it would have been very much appreciated if you could have included Flynn's part when he faced his biggest fear. There was some kind of confusion there since we couldn't know what was actually happening. I kind of understand if you wanted to keep Flynn's interest in Marian as a secret. I, nonetheless, felt like Flynn's journey should have been shown when he got transported to face his biggest fear. I shall continue about this in the section named Character's development.

Lastly, I suggest you draft out this same plot and try to edit and furnish some aspects of the story that needs to be touched. It does take time but it will pay off as again I will say, you definitely have great ideas, there are just certain things you need to master and once you get the gist of it, it will go more smoothly.

Grammar and writing style

There has a range of grammar issues noted, including wrong tenses applied, some unclear sentences, typos, major punctuation errors, among others. I started commenting on them in chapter one but I stopped afterwards and decided to group the issues in brief here. One particular thing I can stress on was the exclusion of punctuation marks in direct speeches. It is necessary to insert the correct punctuation marks at the end of the direct speech before you close the inverted comma. Furthermore, you can insert punctuations in direct speech. The lack of punctuation marks in some sentences makes the conversation monotone. You can try to make the conversation livelier by inserting the correct punctuation marks for different situations. I also noticed you switched between third and first person's POV and it definitely doesn't leave a good impression. You should stick to the writing style you have adopted. If you have decided to write in a third person's POV, you should maintain the same and if you are writing in one of the protagonist's POV, you can change POVs among different important characters throughout the story but you should not include a third person's POV, that is someone's POV who's not related to the story at all and is not as well any character.

Typos and other grammar issues are quite common and are improved over time. For instance, you can copy paste your work in Microsoft Word to easily edit your work or you can also use other friendly tools such as Grammarly to correct your grammatical mistakes. Also, I advise you read your work a few times and go over your chapters thoroughly and do some touch ups wherever you feel it needs improvement.

Coming to Writing Style, I found that sometimes the content is so interesting and intriguing but only at some areas; the dim in the writing style breaks the thrill and also impact a little bit negatively on the plot. For example, in certain specific areas, I wanted a more extensive description of what the characters are really going through and you need a robust writing style to convey these emotions. For example, details on the evolvement of Grace as a witch was much needed. I also wanted to know more about the feelings of the characters towards each other. At times, dialogues and actions are not enough and this is where writing style comes to play. Excessive reading is required to improve your writing style and vocabulary. I believe you'll do really great if you put in more efforts as you definitely have the potential. There were some minor details of the story I really liked where your writing style was quite commendable, for example, the description of Grace's interest in the things related to nature. In addition, you provided an extremely interesting and heart wrenching description when the characters were reading the journals. I was shook. This part proved that you can do so much better. If you would have included this level of seriousness in the climax, it would have been so much better.

The description on every fight was also commendable and I could envision the happenings in my mind. Another thing to note was the scene where Marian would wear heels to fight. Instead of making the audience aware that she was wearing heels through a conversation if I'm not mistaken, you could have made the audience knowledgeable about this specific detail in some other way, for instance, mentioning about her stomping the attacker with her high heel.

Character development

This is the most crucial section of your review. I suggest you take note of the following points and do not take at heart whatever I'm going to say. First of all, As an overall view on all of the characters, One thing I noticed was that there was a lot of disorientation regarding the characters in the story with the exception of Kyzer, Luella and the other characters with minor roles. Normally, the main character will usually play a very important role in the story. You have portrayed Grace as the female protagonist since the very beginning and suddenly, in between, Marianne comes in and now everything's about her. I felt like this was very off-putting since you have made your readers connect with the female protagonist a.k.a. Grace from the very beginning and you suddenly change the female protagonist and expect everyone to start liking her. I feel like you had Marianne in your head as the female protagonist, which is totally fine, but you just introduced her little bit too late in the book. She literally comes when the story is close to its climax and leaves an impression which was strong but not close to what the protagonist has had since the beginning. Yes, Marian was a strong character and she is definitely needed in the story. I also felt like you made Grace do something really bad in the end which was unexpected and disgusting for Marian's worth were to increase in comparison to Grace. I am only guessing that this was your motive, but unfortunately, this will go against my own personal reader's enjoyment. So, briefly speaking, there was a major misbalance in the allocation of scenes between Grace and Marian which should have been vice versa. Grace should have been the shadow and Marian should have been the lead, provided you wanted to picture Marian in the good light in the climax.

Personally for me, if I'm asked who the female protagonist is, it's definitely Grace although she messed up in the end (I'll come to that soon). Grace has been a good character since the beginning. She didn't know about her domain very well and she improved towards the end and performed her spells where majority worked. The only issue here was that we didn't get to see this evolvement of her learning. I wish there was more description on her world and her own kind, leaning towards witches' emotional and psychological sides. She was also a mature kind of person which definitely suited her character a lot and her feelings for the male protagonist were well explained throughout. Good job on that! The scene where Grace lent Marian the shoes was amazing, I love the way you portrayed this simple idea that actually held a lot of meaning in it. The only big problem with her character was the thing she did in the end which was very selfish on her part and also stupid if you ask me. However, I got the gist you made Grace do this only to make Marian rise in shine since she did the opposite which was very much not okay since this really brought me frustration as a reader and thereby decreases the reader's level of enjoyment on the whole story. It is human nature to err but there was no character development for her in the end. As said above, she was a good and mature person but she erred big time in the end and couldn't have see any development since it was already the climax.

Coming to Marian, she has been portrayed as a strong girl ever since she made her appearance in the book but she was too immature of a person to be portrayed as the main lead. Yes, she can be that way when she first appears, however, there needs to be character development in the end, the only thing she did good was in the end with Virico, nothing more nothing less. And, that was not much impactful since she kept stealing things and there was no change in her character, as an individual. Character development is an extremely crucial factor in a story and makes your story tenfold better. I suggest you do a major edit on the characters. And, if you wish to make Marian loved by the readers, I suggest you bring her into the story way sooner. Also, one particular thing I noted about her was that she was strong physically in fights. She was quite strong mentally for she left her family and struggled alone. She had this outer figure that looked very attractive but inside she was damaged which made her 'not so great' and character development is what is specially needed in her case. There was a form of character development noted when she shared her teleporting ability with the group and helped them with the fight but it was still too inconsequent if you ask me for this was something she had to do when they had to carry the coffin.

The character of the male protagonist, Cas, has been well built. There's not much to say about him. He shows who he is and knows his purpose. In the end, he shows his good side while helping to fight Virico. I have to comment on his relationship with Marian though. You were off to a great start when you portrayed him and Marian together in a nameless relationship. But, as the story progress, their relationship stand-still. Again, no development. We knew Marian loved him and also knew about Cas. But, there were no such clarifications about them in the climax. I feel like a description on their real feelings is missing, minus the sexual stuffs. The fact that they were keeping things from each other also made it even more problematic. Yes, they're not a couple but they had a certain bonding that needed development in the end but nothing had really changed. I was able to feel for them when Cas went to face his biggest fear, however, the same intensity was lacking when he was being portrayed with Marian.

On the contrary, Grace's feelings for Cas could be felt deeply and that was another reason why she was preferred personally for me in the book. It was because you got to write so much about her and I was instantly connected to her from the beginning. I was expecting more scenes between Cas and Grace as they were definitely the two main leads for me. I also wanted them together although Kyzer was also a very sweet guy. Additionally, you never brought Kyzer in the picture again after Marian was introduced and it was then all about Marian, leaving the plot to lose its shine and the proper track. If I'm not mistaken, you mentioned about a second book in the last chapter and I really hope you can cover the aspects I talked about. If you intended to write about the plot in this way as you already know what you'll put in the second book, then some of the points I made above can be disregarded. Otherwise, you can also use them as a form of feedback to see what you can make up.

I suggest you make a planning of the characters and what important role they will carry in the story, especially taking into consideration their development throughout. It is also important to get your protagonist fixed and ensure that his/her connection with the readers isn't going to get disrupted as it can be very frustrating. Make sure you properly allocate the exposure given to the main characters and avoid having side characters' exposure weighing more than those of the main character. This takes away the light of your own plot and can again disappoint readers.

Reader's Enjoyment

I was really enjoying the story ever since the start. There were elements of fun, magic, love, sweetness, fear, surprise, mystery and so on. It was a full package, however, all these elements dimmed in their own shine at the climax perhaps due to the sudden shift in the protagonist's exposure and also maybe because of a pre perceived expectation. Cas landing with another girl also disappointed me a bit. I believe you will shine in your future works and even this one if you keep into consideration all the aspects noted above.