Reviewer: Grisha (Grisha2610 )

Review: Warmth

Client: Merida_Beaver

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COVER AND BLURB (8/10)

The cover is elegant and simple. I like the cup of coffee and the books as it reflects on the story as well. The font of the title can be a little bigger and more noticeable. You can ask a cover shop to refurbish it if you want it to look more professional or fix the font a little bit in Canva. Otherwise, it's good. The blurb is perfect the way it is so no changes required there.

GRAMMAR  (9/10)

The grammar is good overall. The main problem is with the lack of commas. There are two excerpts that I noticed that I have pointed out in the inline comments-

"Seriously Sasha, you need to stop yourself from letting your mom dictate every single thing in your life."

Correct Sentence-

"Seriously, Sasha, you need to stop yourself from letting your mom dictate every single thing in your life."

I found a few more like this but this is just one example. I suggest you use tools like Grammarly to give a final edit to the book. This is just a small error so it's easy to fix. However, there aren't that many errors.

PLOT  (7.5/10)

*Note that I have only reviewed five chapters and will only describe the plot till there

The whole concept of the story is not the most original. However, the way it is presented through a cup of coffee in the initial chapters is pretty unique. The core storyline between a punk girl and a smart guy is quite overused. So, I suggest you insert the coffee aspect a little more in the story. This can be done by making the coffee shop one of the most integral parts of the story.

I do think that the story starts with a classic trope of romance stories. I appreciate the relationship that is immediately shown between Phoebe and Sasha. I also like the mixed emotions conveyed by the protagonist about her mother through her best friend's dialogues. Overall, this part is quite well written. I find the pacing to be at the perfect rate. However, the story that goes on can be made more original as the 'other girl' aspect has also been used quite a lot. Maybe you can try showing off Joy's flaws a conflict for the story instead of introducing another character. This will make him a little more grey in terms of his personality, at least in the initial chapters. There are certain aspects that I do enjoy such as- Joy's innocence, Phoebe's eagerness and Sasha's nervous nature. Overall, the story is a nice romantic story which can be made a little more original by the comments made above.

DESCRIPTION  (8/10)

Your descriptions are amazing! I especially love the way you compared Sasha's feelings towards Joy through the consistency of a cup of coffee. I also like the part where Joy compared Sasha's dark aura to her eyes. Your metaphors are often quite creative which makes the story more immersive. The last paragraph of the third chapter really showcases that. I think you did a good job of taking typical metaphors as well as some that are stranger and inserting them in your story. The main issue comes into play when there is some unnecessary amount of exposition given through descriptions. For e.g.: Sash describes her taste in music and how it clashes with Joy's despite them liking each other in form of her own thought instead of a dialogue. I do get that short stories are a little tougher when it comes to exposition. So, I suggest you convey Joy's and Sasha's passion about debate and music respectively through dialogues. Their passions sort of explain their personality in the third chapter, so that shouldn't be hard. I also think you should cut down on Sasha's 'punk' traits to make more room for the development of the chemistry between Joy and Sasha. But as a whole, your structure for the descriptions is very good.

CHARACTERS 

Ø Sasha

I believe that out of all the characters, Sasha is most flawed. And in a few aspects, that proves to be an interesting arc for the story. Her whole meltdown by just seeing a photo produces a conflict for the story. She is very impulsive and jealous in nature. However, sometimes her constant mention of her own personality does interrupt with the story a few times and makes her seem too much of  a 'I am not like the other girls' type. If that's the direction you want to go with, then it's your choice. However, do be aware that it leaves little originality to be there for the whole story. But I also like how Sasha is self-aware and creative in her ways. Maybe just try to balance hr good qualities and negatives out a little bit more.

Ø Joy

For the first five chapters, Joy seems like a perfect guy. But his ego becomes more pronounced in the later chapters, so there is not much change needed there. Overall, he is a good character. However, you might want to show his bitterness towards Sasha during the conflict in more subtle ways first before him stating that he 'does not deserve her mistreatment'. A simple description like a 'cold stare' could convey your point easily. As a whole though, he is great as a love interest in the initial chapters. Although, I do think there should be some sort of an apology between the two in the later chapters.

Ø Phoebe

Phoebe is the one character who I think doesn't need any changes. She is very loyal and caring to Sasha who complements her helpful nature with her recklessness. She is a good side character who is opposite to the protagonist but is still quite important to the story.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I think this is a short and sweet story with a few hiccups here and there. This story has a lot of potential to be a little more unique than it is. But I do really like the relationship between all the characters and think that they can be made better with my suggestions. I will have to say that you are a very competent writer and your way with descriptions will definitely help you with your other stories. My only suggestion would be to try twisting the classic tropes you like delve in because I think you have the potential to do that. Good luck!