Reviewer: Grisha2610

Review: Ayonija

Client: Syntaktis

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COVER AND BLURB (4.5/10)

The cover, at first glance, seems quite messy. There are too many characters clashing with each other on it, and the text can definitely be refurbished. I have two suggestions for this problem. First, if you want to stick with the actors as a template for your characters, then you might need clearer images (especially the one in the very center) and the title of the book to be in bright colours like gold or silver with an effect of them emitting light, and your pen name can come at the very bottom. The cover just needs to be a lot brighter. My second suggestion requires more time and (most probably) the help of a cover artist. You can find them on any graphic shop on Wattpad. You can ask them to make the characters seem more like a painting by giving them the physical features of said characters. This type of style is implemented a lot on the covers of Hindi epics. I'd be happy to give you some examples in the messages, if you are interested. Overall, the cover requires work.

Now let's move on to the blurb. Although, I appreciate how you start it off with a quote, it is grammatically incorrect. The blurb is basically the premise of the story; it should hook the reader right in. It is important for the first line to instantly click in the reader's mind. Next issue is regarding the bullet-point list below. The points mentioned are great but it is important to connect them through a paragraph in order for them to draw the reader in. I would suggest you change the blurb to-

"It is not our greatness that we are remembered for, it is her greatness that we have forgotten"

A hidden tale unravels as the Kauravas and Pandavas war for the throne of their ancestors.

She was the epitome of beauty and grace, a warrior queen, a sister, a friend, and a lover. She walked alone on her path and emerged victorious, but was lost in time.

I believe it justifies your original blurb with a few modifications. You are free to use it or not. It is completely your choice.

GRAMMAR (3/10)

There are several issues that I found within different areas of this category. I will analyse these errors point-by-point and give tips for improving in these areas-

·       Sentence Structure

There are several sentences in the book that read awkward and really do need to be refurbished. I think the main issue with the writing is that it will probably suit well if you're speaking but on paper, it doesn't read well. I have given you examples in the inline comments of this. My suggestion would be to download an editing tool like Grammarly and click on the 'rewrite for clarity' button which will pop up. From personal experience, it has helped me to see sentences from the reader's point of review and restructure them properly. I am sure it will help you as well.

·       Dialogue Placement and Tags

This is the area which requires the most work. Improper dialogue placements really interrupt the story and force the reader to read a paragraph again and again before finally getting which character is speaking it. I have already given you an example of this in an inline comment but I will state it again. Separate your dialogues by placing them in a different paragraph. This acts as an indicator whenever a different character is speaking their lines. Regarding the dialogue tags, you can use Grammarly to help you with that as well. Adding to that, you don't always need to use 'said' whenever a character is speaking. My suggestion would be to make a list of words you can use to replace 'said'. You can keep that with you while writing a new chapter so that you don't need to edit it out later.

·       Vocabulary

There were a lot of odd word choices that I found while reading your book. For e.g.: You used the word 'vibes' in the first chapter where it didn't really fit. I will not elaborate too much on this as this problem can be solved through two methods- First; keeping a thesaurus (digitally or physically) while you write, and second; reading books all the time. I have a feeling that you are already doing the second method, so, my advice would be to carefully analyse the books you're reading and try implementing the style in your own writing. Make sure to still keep it original and simply inspire yourself from the other authors.

·       Tense Change

I have observed that you exchange between past and present sometimes, especially in the initial chapters, which really interrupts the story. It doesn't happen that frequently but it's something that you should definitely take care of. My suggestion is to carefully read each and every word while editing and correct any sentence that is in the present where it doesn't make sense.

Overall, I think this story requires a lot of proofreading and editing. Small grammatical errors can be easily forgiven if the plot is good enough, however, I found some grave root issues that definitely need to be fixed. I advise you to hire an editor from this community's account itself or any other community to help you with these issues and polish your work in order to reach more reader. 

PLOT (4.5/10)

*Note that I will go chapter-by-chapter and give a conclusion at the very end of the review when describing the plot

CHAPTER-1 and CHAPTER-2 (I am combining these chapters since they both deal with the same topic)

I like how the chapter started directly by stating that Aishwarya loves Mahabharat. I also enjoy how it's instantly stated that she doesn't like Shakuni which very clearly foreshadows the path she takes in the future. Coming to the dream part, here is where things start to get very confusing. Keep in mind that a lot of your readers won't know every single moment which occurred in the Mahabharata, and neither will they be as well-versed with the mythology as you are. I have read the epic myself but it still felt like a lot of information was just being thrown at me taking into account that you have fictionalised it. Huge info dumps in the first chapter usually turn the readers away from the story. My first suggestion would be to explain these mythological characters outside of this chapter. (For e.g. Krishna- A god in Hindu mythology, famous for...) Just give like their main power or what they are known for. And another suggestion is to italicize the Hindi words (especially in the dialogue such as 'mere' 'priye' etc.) to indicate that they are in a different language. Another suggestion would be to explain Aishwarya's origin in a more efficient manner. You mention multiple gods and goddesses without any background information. I had to read the paragraphs several times to grasp Krishna's dialogues.  Break it up into smaller pieces with some descriptions in the middle of the conversation. This makes it a lot easier to digest. I was also a little jarred by the fact that Aishwarya instantly agreed to Krishna's demands and felt almost no remorse for leaving her foster parents behind. This is keeping in mind that Krishna is known to set traps for a lot of people in the Mahabharata. Her overtly trustworthy nature seems like it simply exists for moving the plot. Overall, while the chapter does create an interesting narrative, it fails to convey the world-building properly.

CHAPTER-3

This chapter was quite rushed in terms of Aishwarya's character development and the meditation process. There was no explicit reason given for her extreme determination and focus. I suggest mentioning something like Krishna's words can work as a motive for her patience. The time-lapse of her meditation does not fit right in the story. However, the Guru's reaction was well-placed and led up to a pretty good relationship between the two characters as a teacher and student. And while Aishwarya's long dialogue may come off as a little bit pretentious to some readers, I did not mind it and actually thought it gave her some dynamic qualities. As a whole, this chapter is a lot better than the first one and just requires to be more fleshed out and descriptive.        

CHAPTER-4

This chapter is arguably the best out of the ones I've read, however, it is not without its flaws. It is extremely rushed like the previous one and kills any visual character development for the readers in terms of her education. In later, you mention how smart she is but we do not know that as there have been no instances of that. The only thing we do know is that she is skilled in weaponry. Adding to that, the fight scene was great breath of fresh air from the previous chapters full of telling and not showing. This is because you actually visualised how good she is with weapons as she beats a skilled warrior. But the events that take place after the Guru's speech are very oddly written. Instead of Aishwarya telling that time has passed, you can indicate the time-lapse by simply writing-

'2 years later'

That reads a little better in my opinion. The directness of the protagonist regarding to her future also leaves hardly room for any mystery and suspense. If this chapter was a lot less rushed, then it would have a tone of potential. 

CHAPTER-5 and CHAPTER-6 (I am combining these chapters since they both deal with the same topic)

One of the main issues I have with this story is the relationship with Krishna and Aishwarya. I will elaborate more upon this in the characters section, but pertaining to this chapter, Aishwarya's sadness regarding her biological brother feels ingenuine since you have given reader almost no time to fathom the relationship between them. She affectionately calls her 'Bhaiya' but why should she? She has really known him for only a few minutes and been aware of him for seven years when he didn't answer her letters. I will also give a suggestion to this issue in the characters section. This chapter also has the same problem of dumping information and characters that comes off as quite overwhelming. And while this shows your world-building skills, it still fails to properly convey the scene you are trying to portray. As suggested before, read it carefully and if you think 'This is too confusing.' Change it into something simpler. I have written an example in the inline comments about this as well. It is also a little shocking how easily Aishwarya meshes with most of the family. It always makes the story more interesting if some of the 'good' characters are morally gray instead of the noble beings they are supposed to be. I hope you explore in this future because otherwise it makes the characters quite forgettable. And what tiny conflict does occur between Satyabhama and Aishwarya simply dies and we move on to the other characters. Too many characters can easily turn a reader away from the book and you want to make sure that your story flows as smoothly as possible. There is also an issue that I have with Subhadra and Aishwarya's interaction, and that is the extremely long dialogue. While I appreciate Aishwarya denying those qualities, the dialogue just seems a little unnecessary. Just a little hesitation from Aishwarya's side or even simply denying such claims outright would have worked and even showed some negative qualities in Aishwarya which is very much needed to create a complex protagonist. Next, we come to the meeting between Aishwarya and Balram, and it has the same problem that occurs between Krishna and Aishwarya; an emotional interaction and reflection that takes place without any reason, except for the fact that they are related biologically. The interaction between Aishwarya and her real father makes sense mythologically but not when we are talking about a story. So, it is your choice whether you want to stay true to the epics or introduce your own twists even if it's in dialogues. However, the one part I do like about is Aishwarya's over thinking when she is about to meet her biological mother. It creates for a good ending and leaves the readers in mystery unlike some of the instances in previous chapters.

DESCRIPTION (9/10)

The descriptions in this book are quite inconsistent. They switch constantly between being extremely direct to quite metaphorical. While the phrases and sentences do not always connect, your attempts are appreciated and it shows that you can definitely improve upon them. The descriptions that definitely require more work are the ones that depict the characters' emotions. Unlike the descriptions of physical features and her surroundings, the emotions are quite cut and dry and make the story seem very clunky. And that is quite disappointing since I believe you can implement the historical style of Indian epics pretty well (such as: comparing Krishna's eyes to lotus; other examples given in the inline comments). My suggestion is to read some more historical fictions, not just Indian epics but of other origins as well. It broadens your vocabulary and helps you a lot while writing. A lot of your dialogues also come out quite cheesy and break the heart-breaking moments you aim to write (for egg: A sister's place is in her brother's heart, not near his feet). There is also where a tiny issue that I have with a few of the descriptions in the first chapter. You wrote two phrases-

'He was dark-skinned but that didn't make him any less charming'

'My skin had grown fairer while my black hair was thick and lustrous.'

They just come off a little wrong and quite questionable. In the first sentence, you can eradicate the line after 'dark-skinned' as it reads a little colourist and should be modified. And in the second sentence, you can replace 'fairer' with 'my skin glowed as bright as the sun that shone its rays on my shoulders'. I am sure they were just some errors and can easily be corrected.

CHARACTERS (8/10)

Aishwarya

Aishwarya's character design needs a lot of work. One major issue is that there is no proper emotional process that is in place here. And whenever, she does feel emotion, it is at a time when she is meeting a new family member she has never seen before. She gets over any trauma she suffers very quickly. And while I enjoy the fact that she is a good fighter as it can lead to some great conflicts. She also has enough knowledge about this mythological world to not only survive but thrive here. However, the switch between her modern self and warrior self is so swift that it may leave the readers confused. Keeping some modern elements of her personality can create interesting plot points in the future. I understand that you want her to be this beautiful warrior woman that will take a huge part in these wars, however, if she is not dynamic then she just comes across as a half-baked character which I don't want you to have. The way she processes something should seem a little realistic and humane (even if she is technically not a mortal) and not just a way to move the story along.

Krishna 

I will write about the positives first. I like how you specify that he as a god, has also suffered a lot of trauma in his life and has a lot of mental health issues as he was also separated from his mother. His dialogues are also well-written in context of the other characters in the first chapter. He is usually the one who conveys the information to the 'heroes' and is extremely nice to those he likes. However, I would like to see some of the manipulative tactics he has been known to use in the Mahabharata with his enemies and sometimes, even his friends. Now, elaborating upon the relationship between Aishwarya and Krishna. To be very honest, it does not seem genuine at all, and that is not because of the dialogues or the descriptions, but instead it's the timing that is the contributing factor to this problem. Here is my suggestion, while she is in her training, show that she and Krishna are initially communicating through letters, however, in the last two years of her training mention that the letters stop coming. This leads perfectly to the conflict later and develops a strong sibling relationship between them depending on the letters you write. Another suggestion is to show Aishwarya baffled throughout the first chapter and only call Krishna 'bhaiya' when she meets him later. There need to be actual emotional moments and that can only be done if readers go through the process of these two connecting.

FINAL THOUGHTS

As stated before, this story requires a lot of work for it to reach its potential. It starts off as pretty original in the first two chapters but its style turns into the mythological books it is very clearly inspired by. It also is incredibly rushed and needs structure in terms of plot to stand out. As of now, it is very all over the place. However, the story's biggest issue lies in the grammar and the writing style it follows. As mentioned above, they need to be improved as they act as a major hindrance to the story. In basic terms, before I get to the plot, I am instantly turned away by its clunky style and lack of grammar. Overall, this story can definitely be improved as it provides an interesting premise but needs a lot of editing, proofreading, time and energy to a=reach the goal it is trying to aim for.

(I am extremely sorry if this review came off as harsh and overtly negative. My aim is to improve the writers who ask for feedback and, hopefully the suggestions given can do that for you.)