Editor: Jules (SilverWarren)

Client: SisteroftheTrickster

Work: Knight of Texas

🌻

First thing I noticed from the first paragraph was that you have difficulty in connecting similar ideas, and as a result, as an editor/reader, it made me very confused. Look at this sentence, for an example:

" (1) When a handsome man in his late thirties dressed in his ranger uniform (2) who follows his own code, (3) he was a soulful and smart for someone who could kick someone's ass with one arm behind his back."

As you can see, I divided the sentence into three parts, but let me tell you some additional notes before I explain them.

->When you write in third person, using subjective adjectives like 'smart,' 'handsome,' 'amazing,' should be completely avoided. As much as possible, the author should not let the readers feel any amount of bias when it comes to describing characters, as it would seem unprofessional. Whenever you want your readers to think that that character truly is handsome, either describe the character's distinct features or let another character state it instead.

->Have a consistent tense.

1. There was a sentence before this one, but it had no correlation with it whatsoever, as it described a warm, Texas day. Putting the word 'when' as the first word in this sentence had no point, plus the fact that you used the word in a different sentence. If you want to use it correctly, use it in the same sentence. Here is a correct example:

"The fierce wind blew his hat off (when) he looked up at the bright sky." - There is a connection here.

2. I think the delivery of this was a bit rushed and forced. I believe that you could write it smoother, and somehow more natural.

3. There's no point in using pronouns when the character's sex had been already stated in the same sentence. Also, the article 'a' before soulful was unnecessary.

If I were to to change the whole sentence (and mind you, I don't exactly understand the sentence itself, so I apologize if the main point is wrong), it would be:

"A soulful man in his late thirties was dressed in his ranger uniform, knowing that he followed his own code, he thought about what he had done earlier, which was kicking someone's ass with one arm behind his back."

There were a lot more confusing sentences (and if I were to explain each and every paragraph, it would probably make a short book), although as an editor, I believe that you are the one who should fix them, so that they would connect with your story. I didn't touch any major parts in your chapters, only the grammar and a few words, but let me add a few more notes:

1. You don't have to explain in detail what certain characters wear, unless there's a reason for it. Like how a boy would think that a small girl wearing an oversized shirt for her is cute.

2. There are a lot of sentences with commas that could be separated into different sentences instead, to avoid confusion.

3. A few sentences lack words to make it complete, like "(There was) a thousand different ways. . ." The words in the parentheses weren't included in your chapters.

4. You're=you are, whereas your=possessive pronoun, like mine.