Waking up in the back of a seven seater with my boyfriend practically laying on top of me had not proved to be one of the most comfortable things I'd ever experienced, but then again I put up with Mikey practically everyday, so really I didn't know what I was complaining about here.

It felt like there should be something to complain about though, almost as if within spirit, or maybe I was just a little pissed off by not getting nearly as much sleep as I should have gotten last night. Most likely though, it was the way Pete kept looking at Mikey, and more so they way Mikey didn't keep looking at him.

I knew I shouldn't be so involved in what or what was not going on between them, but I couldn't hate but feel sorry for Pete and I couldn't help but curse Mikey for what he didn't see and what, judging by Pete's words, was really Mikey's fault.

He shouldn't blame Mikey for being upset and really I had no clue in regards to the full story, but I couldn't help but care, and I knew that I shouldn't, because I was supposed to be happy - this was my birthday surprise, and I didn't want to upset Gerard, but now my birthday seemed miles away in that bedroom with Gerard and this just felt like a mix tape gone on for too long - the songs only there to fill space and steal time.

I don't feel vaguely excited or happy, I feel like caring far too much and the whole world's slowed down in this really weird way and the trees don't quite look real anymore and I start thinking about stupid things and start looking at the ground and imagining the dirt and soil underneath.

And I keep looking at Gerard like he's going to disappear. It's weird. I don't want anything to happen but I hate this status quo.

I don't know what I want, I just want something.

I know that something's up, and I know that Pete Wentz is right because I look at Gerard and Mikey - I look at Gerard glaring at Mikey when he can see and looking sad when he's not and I see the cracks and I hate looking at them but I see it all, I see them holding on and I just can't look away.

I don't want to look in the mirror and see them in myself and Gerard because as enlightening as this all is, it's the kind of knowledge you just don't want - the kind that Pete was right about.

I don't know how this has come on, but it's something to do with travel sickness and the absence of my nice warm bed. Perhaps over exposure to the Way brothers.

All I can think about is not upsetting Gerard by not looking too disappointed so I keeping smiling when he's looking and I don't when he's not, and I try not to connect this to the way Mikey and Gerard are because I don't want things to go wrong, but I do.

Part of me does.

Part of me wants Gerard to grow up and realise how things are for real, and that I won't always be there to catch him when he falls, but I can't just stand there and watch him fall. I can't look away either, it has this horrible guilt with it and I can't help but look at Gerard like things are going to change.

I hate my hunches because they always seem to be right.

-

"Frankie?" Gerard's voice pulled me from the grip of my hungry thoughts, but perhaps turning and facing him with that reflex of a smile made me want to disappear again, because anything was better than lying to both him and myself all the time.

I didn't know if I could keep this up. It was weird how it was so fucking easy when I didn't even know I was doing so, but now, now I'm all so aware of every smile and every scowl, I can't do it anymore - it's like everything becomes so much harder than you try. Perhaps somethings are just meant to happen and somethings are not. Perhaps I should just stand back and let the world work, but I can't possibly do that, not now I'm all so aware of the way it does.

He flashed me a smile back in response and I watched as it quickly faltered before he stepped forward to grab my hand, pulling my stiff frame closer to his own and I hated the way he was stronger than me and I couldn't have stopped him even if I wanted to.

I shouldn't have wanted to though. Gerard was just particularly hard not to fall in love with, and it was evident that I was a victim to my addiction.

"Something's up." He whispered against my skin, like the words and the meaning they held was a secret within itself, and I hated that it was a secret he'd found out, because I couldn't upset him with the thoughts racing throughout my head and obsessing over the way people look at the people they love when they aren't looking.

"Nothing's up." I lied to my boyfriend and didn't feel nearly as bad as I should have for it. I reconsidered doing so or perhaps even apologising, even aloud, even out of context, but neither option seemed to suffice or even work at all so I pretended that I hadn't lied, and simultaneously, I lied again and I still didn't care.

Perhaps this was all a simple lack of sleep and I really wished that things were quite as simple as that because I'd really love to go to sleep and forget everything in the morning. That doesn't apply here, that only worked with my father when I was little, that only worked when he was too drunk to remember and I was too naive to consider importance in the screaming of words I wouldn't quite understand until several years later.

Gerard simply raised his eyebrows and I hated how much he knew me, and I hated how I couldn't just go hide somewhere and forget everything, because everyone was here, and I was the centre of attention, and I just couldn't upset Gerard, despite just how bad I'd been doing with that so far. I just couldn't upset him, because somehow, despite everything, he was always the most important person here.

Perhaps that was bad, perhaps that was toxic, perhaps that was broken... perhaps I didn't care.

"Don't lie to me, Frankie." He let out in a stern voice, his tone making clear of the annoyance my lie had brought up. I hated that, perhaps the confrontatious nature of the gesture more than the meaning behind it and I hated how shallow that made me.

"I don't want to upset you, I can't upset you this is your idea and this is my birthday surprise and I just... I just... I just... fuck." I hated crying, especially in front of people, and I avoided his eyes because I didn't want to bother with his reaction. I tried to keep focused on wiping my eyes and not the arms that found their way around me - it didn't work. It never worked, especially when it came down to Gerard fucking Way.

"What upsets me is seeing you upset, Frankie." He whispered against my skin, rubbing circles into my back. I just let my eyes fall shut, focusing only on the calming motions against my skin and trying not to remember anything else.

"I'm thinking about a lot of things and they're very important things but also very sad things." I let the words slip out against his skin, at first praying perhaps that he hadn't heard, but I wasn't quite stupid enough to hold onto that belief for very long at all.

"Frankie, just tell me what's wrong, please?" He let out a sigh, pulling away a little in order to make eye contact and I focused on just how genuinely sad he looked and surely it was sadistic to find comfort in the genuinely of someone's sadness, but this was reassurance and a kind that I needed right now, despite how much of an asshole it made me.

"You're being such a dick to Mikey, and that's so simple but there's so much more and that all just fell down on me and it's really hard to hold up." I let the words out at what seemed to be a million miles a second, but I didn't care if he understood or if he didn't- actually, perhaps it was better if he didn't, perhaps it was better if I was just naive enough to wish this all away.

"I'll be nicer to Mikey, okay, Frankie?" He smiled at me, thinking that was all and that everything was better. I simply shook my head, wishing it could be so. It could never be so, and I think the both of us were very well aware of that fact by now, it was just that he had a certain difficulty in admitting it.

"That's not just it. It's the way you and Mikey are, the way you look at each other when you're looking and the way you do when you're not, and the way it's hard not to take sides, and the obvious elephant in the room, and the way you keep trying to make everything okay with him but it will never really work because you can't build up on a broken foundation, and Pete, Mikey and Pete, fuck, something happened and Pete's upset and Mikey is too, but for different reasons and it's not my business but I can't help but care, because Pete's a nice guy and he doesn't deserve to be ignored especially for how nice he is to Mikey, but Mikey he doesn't have to do anything and he's distraught with Alicia and last night when I couldn't sleep Pete said something to me that I wish he hadn't, and I can't stop looking at the way people look at each other when they think nobody's looking and I can't help but notice how I look at you and I don't... I don't... want, I just... I love you and that fucking sucks because everything's so fucked up and don't try and fix this with some quick apology, Gerard, because everything is so fucked up and you know that even more than I do, because you know why."

Silence fell over the two of us for what seemed like forever and I couldn't but pull my eyes away, unprepared for his reaction, unprepared for any of this at all - it had all been so awfully fucking sudden and I was sick to my stomach and I doubted that throwing up on my boyfriend would help my situation at all.

"Frankie, I... I... I'm sorry? I don't know what to say, I just... I love you too... I..." And never before had Gerard Way been quite so speechless. I had to laugh - I just didn't look at the scowl I could feel him sending in return, and it almost worked. I say almost, because nothing ever really does.

"Tell me, Gerard? Tell me what Mikey knows and what Pete thinks he does and tell me why Mikey looks at you like he scared of you when you're not looking and why he looks at you like you're disgusting when you are." I was on a roll and it was definitely a roll sending me deep down into the pits of hell, because I knew wherever I was going with this was that it wasn't good.

"Frank, I can't, please just wait, this is your birthday surprise thing, fuck, I just want you to be happy, you're not going to be happy after you hear this, please can this just wait until we get home?" He looked up at me with those big puppy dog eyes and I seriously considered slapping him, like I really wanted to slap him, but I knew by now that Gerard was stronger than me and according to Mikey 'dangerous', so he'd probably slap me back twice as hard, not that I cared.

"No, we can't Gerard. You're overdoing it with this shit, you know that. Birthday shit, birthday this, birthday that - I never even wanted a fucking party, I just wanted to spend time with you and not have to watch as you bullied your little brother!" And that was how I found myself shouting at him, and fuck, this had not been a good idea, but shouting at him felt so good. It felt so fucking good to finally be able to shout at someone, to finally have some control.

With my dad I had no say whatsoever no matter what I did - I could shout and scream all I liked but he'd just choke me until I couldn't and the words they never made it out, however for once, for once I could shout and someone would listen and fuck it was just the best feeling ever. I felt so good, I felt so in control and I knew that this was bad from the get go, but fuck, I didn't care - you never do when things feel so good.

"I bullied him?" Gerard just laughed at that, pulling away from me and looking at me like he didn't know me at all and that hurt - it hurt a lot, and so I continued to shout so I could shout over the hurt but I was really never any good at pretending, but it seemed that even for a small, and therefore small lunged person, I was pretty good at shouting. "You don't have a fucking clue do you, Frank?"

"No, I- No, I fucking don't because everything's all fucking secrets with you isn't it? Fucking secrets, of course no one can know how much of an asshole I am. I've got to make this big deal out of nothing and compensate for the fact that I'm a big dickbag and look misunderstood so everybody still loves me! Bet there's fucking nothing you're keeping a secret apart from the fact you're an absolute fucking douchebag!"

"It's not like that, Frank, it's not." And now he was crying too and simultaneously, I wasn’t caring at all, and there was this little pang in the back of the head that screamed out for me to stop and kiss him until everything was better again but I wasn't going to give in like that, not now, not at all. I wanted to know what the hell was going on with Gerard and what the hell was going on with Mikey.

I wasn't just going to sit here complacently anymore.

"Yeah, is it?" I asked, eyebrows raised and buzzing on falsely acquired confidence as I continued with the stupidest and simultaneously the best idea I could think of.

"Yeah, Frank it fucking is." He spat, glaring at me like he couldn't believe what was happening and that only caused me to smirk, because that was exactly my intention - he deserved a fucking shock from this. Nothing was going to go just how he fucking wanted it to - that pretty face of his wasn't going to get him everywhere in life, and quite honestly I'd had enough.

"Well go on then, enlighten me, and tell me what the fuck is going on, huh?" I put my words forward with an irritating amount of confidence and a smirk settling proudly over my lips.

"Frank, I can't-" He stuttered out, his cheeks filling with blood to match his hair as he pulled his gaze down away from mine. I couldn't help but laugh, I really couldn't.

"Exactly as I fucking expected." I rolled my eyes, hating what I was doing but hating Gerard more, because I couldn't put up with this shit anymore - he was lying straight to my face, every single day and I hated that and perhaps I hated him, but I still wasn't sure. I had destroyed him, though; I was very sure of that, and awfully happy in response.

"Of course you wouldn't fucking understand you're barely even eighteen, Frank, you're just a little fucking kid, I think there's a reason that I haven't told you and that's not to upset you and to keep you safe, because you've only just turned eighteen, you're still in school, for fuck's sake - there are certain things that it's best you don't know about." He quietened his tone down, looking at me with those stupid fucking patronising eyes and talking to me like I was a fucking child.

"Shut the fuck up, Gerard - I'm eighteen, not eight." I snapped back at him, ignoring every ounce of sense in his words at all, because it felt right and if he was going to talk to me like I was eight, I may as well act as if I was.

"Then act your age!" He screamed at me, seeming to have read my mind almost.

"Act yours. You're fucking twenty three and you're keeping secrets like a thirteen year old." I retorted, fully aware with the knowledge that we were both acting as immature as fuck right now, but I was more so preoccupied with the fact that my boyfriend was an asshole, and that he also wasn't my boyfriend anymore, or at least as of this minute.

Perhaps that was a stupid decision that would spin me deep into a state of inescapable contrition, but impulse pumped through my veins like blood and I couldn't stop myself at all.

"At least I can keep secrets, huh, blabbing to me about Mikey and Pete? Pretty sure Pete told you that with the word secret attached? Well aren't you just the fucking spoilt little arsehole - you know what? You don't deserve any of this at all, I'm sorry if my attempt at making your little brat face happy wasn't good enough. Fine, I don't care - go home, go fuck yourself, Iero, because from now on you're most certainly not fucking me."

And that was when I punched him right in the face, not caring just how this would change things at all, only just how fucked up his pretty little face would look now - perhaps it would really reflect what he was like on the inside.

Because when we've built a tower this high, it's going to cause such a mess when it finally falls down.

Hey guys:) I hope you don't hate me too much for this aha;) It's essential to the plot trust me, shush;) Anyway, if you 'enjoyed' this, leave a vote and or a comment as I always look forward to them:) I love you guys<3