Chapter 30 Twenty summers

When I stared at the gray tombstone with my name engraved on it, my whole body started to tremble, my eyes watered, and I felt that familiar throb in my chest as if I was there again, in front of my bedside table, under that dim light of my lamp with those familiar words of my father.

What are those memories? Why is Kousuke not part of it? What's going on inside my mind?

My knees buckled and when I was about to faint, Kousuke caught me with his arms, his eyes were filled with remorse, sadness, and too much pain as if he regretted bringing me into this place.

"I don't understand, Kousuke. Why is my name. . ." ilang beses akong tumingin sa kanya at sa pangalan kong nakalapat sa batong iyon. 

He couldn't even answer me. Instead, he leaned at the side of my head with his fresh tears falling down my shoulders. His arms around me tightened as he trembled with fear— as if I was about to slip through his arms.

Habang hinihintay ko siyang magsalita unti-unti kong inangat ang dalawa kong kamay.

"W-What's going on?" nangangatal na tanong ko. I couldn't see my hands.

"W-What's going on, Kousuke?!" mas malakas na tanong ko.

"If I could just do something, Rhoe Anne. If this kind of gift could do something to help you."

"W-What gift?"

Hindi na muling nagsalita si Kousuke at hinayaan niya ang kanyang sariling yakapin ako nang mas mahigpit. Hanggang sa unti-unting rumehistro sa akin ang bawat araw na lagi kaming magkasama.

"If I just born earlier, Rhoe Anne. . ." bulong niya.

"K-Kousuke, are you telling me that I am already—" muli akong tumingin sa pangalan kong nakaukit sa bato.

"For me, you are always alive, Rhoe Anne." Ikinalong na ako ni Kousuke habang nakasalampak na siya sa lupa habang sapo niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko. "Everyone can tell me that I am crazy, mad, and sick, people can tell me foolish, but for me, you're true. You are real. You are alive. I can touch you. I can feel you. I can remember everything about you."

"I don't understand, Kousuke."

Wala akong maintindihan sa mga sinasabi niya. Lumingon ako sa puntod na nakikita ko, bakit naroon ang pangalan ko? Bakit ako nakikita ni Kousuke? Paano niya ako nahahawa—

Natigil ako sa sarili kong pag-iisip nang unti-unting rumehistro sa akin ang bawat lakad namin ni Kousuke nang magkasama. I never had any human interaction aside from him. I had multiple hallucinations with weird people, and numbers episodes as if I was whisked away in a hollow dimension— a place where I was alone.

People always looked at Kousuke weirdly, not because he has a foreigner girlfriend, but because he was talking alone. And that old woman from the hotel, the lady from the horror house who looked so scared when she saw me, the reason why I was never aware of the current events or even knew who the most famous actress is, and the little girl in the river who died a long time ago.

Suminghap na ako at nasapo ko ang bibig ko sa reyalisasyong unti-unting pumapasok sa isipan ko. "K-Kousuke. . ." nangangatal ang mga kamay ko habang unti-unti kong nililingon at pilit na sinasalubong ang mga mata ni Kousuke.

"I wish I was born earlier, Rhoe Anne. I wish I met you earlier," nanghihinang sabi niya sa akin.

"Kousuke Matsumoto, you've been making it difficult for her and for you. Let her go. Allow her to realize everything, and allow her to be free. . ." kapwa kami natigilan ni Kousuke nang may panibagong boses na nagsalita sa likuran namin.

It was the old man, Mouri. My father's best friend.

Nagsisimula nang luminaw ang mga alaala ko nang sandaling dumating ako rito sa Japan, how I traveled alone, and met this man, how she told me the beautiful and saddest part of my parents' story, and how he first brought me into this place. And I died refusing to accept the truth— that I was alone again.

"Rhoe Anne, you're a lost soul and you're never aware of your death. Only few of us can see someone like you," natulala ako sa sinabi ni Mouri kahit nagsimula na iyong umikot sa aking isipan.

That I died a long time ago.

And these people, Kousuke, Mouri and even the girl in the Fuji-Q have the gifts to see me. Lumingon muli ako kay Kousuke at inihilig ko ang aking noo sa dibdib niya.

Or an ability to feel me. . .

"There are a lot of you in this country, Rhoe Anne. This is a very beautiful place for anyone's eyes, but behind this beautiful country is the saddest story."

Nang sabihin iyon ni Mouri ay banayad na umihip ang hangin tangay ang ilang piraso ng dahoon sa nakapaligid na mga puno.

"Y-You. . . before the summer ends," nakayuko na si Kousuke habang yumuyugyog ang balikat niya. He's wiping all his tears with his arms.

"Your soul has been trapped in every summer season for almost twenty years, Rhoe Anne. And your every travel has been repeating like a cycle from the beginning of summer until it reaches it end. And this foolish boy has been with you, trying to give you memories that you failed to have for almost twenty years."

My mouth gaped, and I stared blankly at Kousuke. "T-Twenty years. . ."

Nakayuko pa rin siya. "My plan was just to give you happy memories, but I fell for you. I fell in love with a ghost— a lost soul. I should have sent you earlier, but instead I pulled you to stay here until it took almost twenty years. I've been selfish. I am sorry, Rhoe Anne."

"Souls can't stay for twenty years wandering in this world, Rhoe Anne. Souls should accept their fate, you've been dead for almost twenty years, and you have to cross your way before you turned into a hollow soul. A soul without memories, a soul without an ability to think, a soul that most people are afraid of. . ." 

Nang marinig iyon ni Kousuke, nag-angat muli siya ng tingin sa akin. His eyes were begging for me to stay as if I could do something about it.

"I am dead," bulong ko sa sarili ko.

But Kousuke Matsumoto made me feel so alive in this summer. Wala nang makapagsalita sa amin ni Kousuke at ang tangi na lang namin nagawa'y titigan ang isa't isa.

I didn't even have the chance to reach those torii gates. Kaya ba ilang beses nang nagpapakita sa akin ang mga magulang ko? As if they are trying to guide me to my real path. Kaya ba hindi lang sa panaginip sila nagpapakita?

Nang muli kong pagmasdan ang kamay ko ay nakikita ko na ulit iyon. Marahan kong sinapo ang dibdib ko. "I have a very weak heart. And It didn't even allow me to reach my goal," usal ko.

Yumuko na ako habang nakapatong ang dalawang kamay ko sa hita ko. My tears started to stream down my cheeks until it reached the back of my hands. I hate myself for being weak, that even my soul couldn't find its way.

"The reason for the lost souls is an unfulfilled mission in life, Rhoe Anne," sabi ni Mouri. "And you haven't fulfilled it."

I never reached the thousands of Torii gates which was my last destination, and I never had that happy ending that my parents were wishing for me. . .

Nang nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Kousuke ay agad nagtama ang aming mga mta. "I saw you. You were one of those kids. You were the one who's been waving at me."

Tumango siya sa akin. "That was the first time I saw you, Rhoe Anne. Alive. And when I came back next summer, you were there again in that abandoned old hotel, still with your white dress." Hinaplos na niya ang pisngi ko at mas lalong pumatak ang luha ko.

"It's time to let go of each other. You and Kousuke have been trapped in summer for almost twenty years. You have to let go, Kousuke. You have to let her go and free her soul," sabi ng matanda sa likuran ko habang nakatulala na ako kay Kousuke.

He's been giving me memories during summer for almost twenty years. He grew up trying to make a lost soul happy. Kousuke Matsumoto sacrificed his twenty years of summer for someone like me.

Ngayon ay naiintindihan ko na kung bakit parang hindi ako nakikita ng mga pinsan ni Kousuke nang sandaling sunduin siya ng mga ito. Ngayon ay naiintindihan ko na kung bakit hindi man lang nagtataka si Kousuke sa tuwing pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao. Not because he has the unusual confidence but because he's aware of our situation. And that's why his cousins forced him to join them because they've been thinking that Kousuke has gone mad.

Kousuke made me believe that we've been receiving judgment eyes because he's dating a foreigner, but it was different all along because people have been giving him stares as if he's out of his mind.

I've been giving Kousuke damages for a love that couldn't be returned, for a love story without an ending, and for promises that were meant to be broken.

Dahil sa simula pa lang ay hindi na kami para sa isa't isa.

"I'm sorry, Kousuke. I am sorry for making you miserable for twenty years. . ."

Naalarma si Kousuke sa sinabi ko at lumuhod na siya sa harapan ko. He tried to touch me again as I cried in front of him. How hard it was to return to an abandoned place every summer? How hard it was for him to create memories for almost twenty years that I couldn't remember? How hard it was for him to make me fall in love with him again and again?

And how hard it was for him to hope that there might have been a miracle between us?

"I'm sorry, Kousuke," paulit-ulit akong humihingi ng tawad sa kanya.

"It was my fault, Rhoe Anne. I should have made you realize it first. I should have explained to you everything the moment I learned about your situation. But as I young boy fascinated, curious, and who loves adventure, I anticipated coming back during summer to play with you, and share stories with you in that abandoned hotel, until that young boy grew up and turned into a teenager infatuated with this gentle beautiful woman in her white dresses whom he could share his complaints and stories about his family, and then as years passed and this young boy grew up into a man, he suddenly wished that he should have born years earlier— to save the woman he loves, to share her pain. . . to give her happiness and goals she failed to achieve. If I was just born earlier. . ."

Bigla kong naalala ang isa pa sa mga panaginip ko nang may makasalubong akong mga bata nang tatawid ako sa isang daan. The faces of those little kids were a bit blurry, but now that I was staring at Kousuke, I could picture that smiling face of a little boy.

The young boy Kousuke Matsumoto.

The teenager Kousuke Matsumoto.

And the grown man Kousuke Matsumoto.

His smiles in summer have been trying to give me warmth for almost twenty years. Kousuke Matsumoto's consistent smile every summer, his greetings at my door, the wave of his hands at my window, his blushing face, and the way he attempted our first kiss.

Mas lalong nagpatakan ang mga luha ko. Lumuhod na rin ako sa harapan niya para higit na magpantay ang aming mga mata. I cupped his face with my hands trembling with weakness and pain.

"Thank you for giving me happiness, for fulfilling those wishes I failed to have, thank you for loving me, thank you for giving me the warmth of summer. Thank you for keeping me company for almost twenty years, Kousuke."

Muling kinapa ni Kousuke ang kamay ko. Umiiling na siya nang makita niyang mukhang unti-unti ko nang natatanggap ang kapalaran ko.

"I-I should go, Kousuke. . ." bulong ko.

"No. M-Maybe we can do something about it," lumingon siya kay Mouri. His eyes were begging for an answer.

"You have to fulfill your unfinished mission in this world, Rhoe Anne."

"No. . ." bulong ni Kousuke.

Tipid akong ngumiti kay Mouri. Tumayo na ako at humarap sa kanya. Sinalikop ko ang dalawang kamay ko sa aking likuran bago muling humarap kay Kousuke na nakasalampak pa rin sa lupa habang nakatingala sa akin.

"I should cross the torii gates. It is the last destination on my itinerary. Isn't it the border of our world?" huminga ako nang malalim.

This decision isn't just for me, but for Kousuke. I kept him for twenty years. He has his future— a better future without me.

"C-Can't she stay for a little bit longer. . ."

"You know that summer is about to end, Kousuke. She needs to cross the border and find her way to where she truly belongs."

"Come, Kousuke."

Kung sa mga alaala ko ay laging si Kousuke ang siyang naglalahad ng kamay sa akin, sa pagkakataong iyon ay ako ang naglahad ng kamay sa kanya.

I thought Kousuke and I would enjoy the last few hours that we were together but when my body started to disappear and reappear, Mouri offered his help and brought us to the Fushimi Inari Taisha.

I could see fear in Kousuke's eyes as he witnessed me disappearing in front of him. "Carry her and cover her with this."

Nangangatal pa ang kamay ni Kousuke nang ibalot niya sa akin ang malaking puting tela na parang kumot. It was like the first time we saw each other near the old hotel, in front of his house. Pilit na ngumiti sa akin si Kousuke habang inaayos niya ang natakip na kumot sa katawan ko.

"Like a bride. . ." usal niya tulad nang unang beses niya akong nakitang may balot ng kumot sa katawan.

He pulled the end of the white cloth, pulling me closer to him, and all I did was close my eyes when he gently brushed his lips with mine. Kousuke gave me his sweetest smile.

Sumakay na ako sa likuran niya at sinimulan na akong buhatin ni Kousuke habang may balot akong kumot sa katawan ko at ulo ko.

Kousuke took the steps towards the entrance of Fushimi Inari Taisha with those judgement eyes of every Japanese people who could see him. Pero walang pakialam si Kousuke at patuloy lang siya sa paglalakad habang buhat ang nanghihina kong katawan na nakayakap sa kanya.

At habang naglalakad si Kousuke ramdam ko ang mas lalong pagkirot ng dibdib ko na tila pinararamdam nito sa akin nang sandaling unang basahin ko ang sulat ni Papa.

My chest was clenching as if I was about to die again. "It hurts, Kousuke. . ."

Mas hinawakan ni Kousuke ang mga hita ko at nagsimula na siyang tumakbo. And I could feel that he was crying. He was crying in his every step.

"We're getting there, Rhoe Anne. Hang on. . ."

Fushimi Inari Taisha is a shrine with series of torii gates. Napakarami nito at sa bawat pagdaan sa pulang arko na ito ay sa pagtaas at paghirap ng daan. Someone who needs to finish the station of this shrine needs a rest, but Kousuke's trying his best to run as fast as he could while I was trying to endure the pain.

Gusto ko man hindi iparamdam kay Kousuke ang paghirap ko sa paghinga para hindi na siya mag-alala sa akin, ngunit hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko. Habang tumatagal ay mas dumidiin ang yakap ko sa kanya.

"I'm sorry, Kousuke," paulit-ulit kong bulong sa kanya.

Pero umiiling lang sa akin si Kousuke habang tumutulo ang luha niya. "Don't be sorry, Rhoe Anne. I am the happiest when I am with you. Please, don't be sorry."

Habang tumatakbo si Kousuke sa pagitan ng napakaraming torii gate ay malayo pa lang ay nakikita na naming marami pang tao sa unahan namin. We have to cross that path, but those tourists were all busy taking pictures of themselves.

Ilang beses umiiling at sumisigaw na si Kousuke para lang tumabi ang mga taong nasa harapan namin pero hindi siya agad mapansin ng mga ito.

But when Kousuke's about to lower his speed, two familiar figures approached those people as if they've been waiting for Kousuke to arrive to make a way for him. Malayo pa lang ay nakita ko na ang sabay na paggalaw ng dalawang lalaki sa gilid ng mataas na torii gate at ang paghawi nila sa mga tao. Those tourists were about to complain but when they saw the fierce and threatening look of those two familiar Japanese men, they back off and stepped aside to give us a way.

"Shin. . . Tadashi. . ." usal ni Kousuke.

Ngunit hindi na nakipag-usap pa si Kousuke sa mga pinsan niya at nagmadali na siyang tumakbo at dumaan sa gitna ng maraming tao. "I don't know what's going on, Kousuke! But you have to end this!"

Saglit lang yumuko si Kousuke habang tumatakbo bago muling tumingin sa unahan at mas hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa akin.

Ilang beses nang muntik mapatid o madapa si Kousuke pero pilit pa rin siyang tumatakbo habang binubulong ang pangalan ko. He kept in reminding me that he was okay and he's happy carrying me around.

Nang dumaan na kami sa magkadikit na torii gates na may malaki at maliit, isa na namang pamilyar na pigura ang siyang sumalubong sa amin. He was just leaning on one of the torii gates, and when he saw the approaching Kousuke, with a huge white cloth on his back, he stood properly, still with his arms crossed.

Hindi man lang sila nagbatian ni Kousuke at hinayaan niya lang kaming lumampas pero nang sandaling lumingon ako, humarang na ang lalaki sa daang dinaanan namin ni Kousuke na parang wala nang ibang tao pa ang makakadaan doon kundi kami na lamang.

"Thank you, Kyohei. . ." bulong ni Kousuke.

Mas hinigpitan ko ang yakap kay Kousuke, habang hindi ko na mapigilan ang luha ko. If someone has the power to save us, kung hahayaan lang akong mabuhay sa panahong ito, kung pagbibigyan lang akong mahalin ang lalaking ito, magiging masaya na ako. . .

But this is my fate, Kousuke and I are trapped in summer, but we are destined to escape separately.

"W-Would you like to come with me, Kousuke? Samahan mo na ako. . . samahan mo na ako," bulong ko sa kanya.

Natigil sa pagtakbo si Kousuke at bahagya niya akong sinilip. Iyon ang gusto kong sabihin sa kanya, na hindi niya lang ako ihatid kundi samahan niya ako. This is what my heart wants— this selfish heart.

"I will come with you. I'll come with you," paulit-ulit niyang bulong sa akin bago niya ipinagpatuloy ang pagtakbo.

Sa layo at taas ng tinatakbo ni Kousuke, sa ilang beses niyang pagkapatid at pagkadapa ngunit patuloy pa rin bumabangon, ilang beses kong ipinagdadasal na sana ay makarating na kami sa katapusan nang hindi na siya mahirapan pa.  

When we were about to reach the last few tori gates, an unfamiliar man was waiting for us, he was standing in front of us with his back on us, but when he heard us as Kousuke landed again on the ground, he turned slowly and gazed at his cousin.

Hindi ko pa man siya nakikita, agad kong nakilala siya ay isa sa mga pinsan ni Kousuke.

He walked towards us with his hands extended for Kousuke, and he simply gave him a smile.

"S-Seiji. . . why are you?"

Inalalayan niya kami ni Kousuke na makatayo. He looked curiously at the huge white cloth behind Kousuke's back but he gave his full attention back to his cousin.

"Please, Seiji. . ."

"I believe you, Kousuke. I will always believe in your words. You are not sick. You are not mad. My cousin is in his right mind," madiing sabi ni Seiji.

Iyon siguro ang mga salitang kailanman ay hindi narinig ni Kousuke sa lahat simula nang ilang beses siyang magpabalik-balik sa lumang hotel na iyon.

Tinapik ni Seiji ang balikat ni Kousuke at nilampasan niya kami nito. He walked to one of the torii gates and stood there like Kyohei, as if he's guarding it from unexpected tourists.

"And please, visit Eve and the twins next summer."

Saglit natigil sa paghakbang si Kousuke bago siya nakasagot. "Thank you."

Tumango lang si Seiji at hindi na lumingon sa amin. Kousuke continued following the trails of the torii gates until we reached the highest and the last gate. Ibinaba na ako ni Kousuke sa harapan niyon at hindi niya binibitawan ang kamay ko.

"Have me, Rhoe Anne. I will come with you," he said desperately. 

Ngumiti ako sa kanya at humigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya. When I made a few steps towards the torii gate, Kousuke looked determined to join me, but I knew that it wasn't as simple as that. I can't be selfish and steal Kousuke's future to come with me. He spent his twenty years with me during those summers and those were enough.

Matagal nang tapos ang panahon ko sa mundong ito, habang siya'y ipagpapatuloy pa ang guhit ng kanyang buhay. He has a better future waiting for him. "Kousuke Matsumoto. . ."

Nangangatal na ang mga kamay nang sapuhin ko ang pisngi niya. I don't know if he could understand my language but I want him to remember these words.

"Maraming maraming maraming salamat, Kousuke. . ." bulong ko sa mga labi niya kasabay ng pagpatak ng aking mga luha.

At habang umaatras na ang aking mga hakbang at unti-unting ibinibitaw ang aking kamay sa kanya, pilit akong ngumiti sa kabila ng aking mga luha. He knew that he couldn't cross the border and nothing would happen if he'd try.

Because he's not a soul and he's still alive.

"I wish I'd known what I did last summer with you. . . I wish I'll remember all those twenty summers with you, Mr. Matsumoto."