Chapter 29 Letter

"You have a very weak heart. I will not advise you to leave the country, Miss Rhoe Anne," iyon ang sinabi sa akin ng doctor na paulit-ulit kong narinig sa isipan ko.

Pero buo na ang desisyon ko at nangako ako kay Mama na hahanapin ko si Papa. I have to meet him no matter what. I want to know his whereabouts. Gusto kong malaman ang nangyari sa kanya matapos nilang maghiwalay ni Mama, hinanap niya ba si Mama? Inisip niya bang nagkaanak sila? Did he really abandon us?

Huminga ako nang malalim nang makita ang nakapatong na litrato ko kasama si Mama, inilagay ko na iyon sa bag ko, pati na rin ang litrato ni Papa na ibinigay sa akin ni Mama bago siya namatay at ang ilang souvenirs na itinago niya nang nasa Japan pa sila at magkasama.

I opened my passbook, passport, some ids and all the documents needed for my whole travel. I already had plans to visit Japan but I've been busy with my career, and now that I have this vacation, I'd not let this opportunity to slip away.

Huli kong inalagay sa bag ko ang ballpen at ang maliit kong notebook. I promised myself that I'd write my every adventure inside my small notebook.

Hila ko na ang maleta ko palabas ng apartment ko nang buksan ko ang pinto, and there, my friend, Nore since I was in high school gave me her tightest hug. Nangingilid pa ang mga luha niya at ilang beses minumura ang pangalan ni Sarah. She might have heard the news.

That the wife of my boss hysterically pulled my hair in public and accused me of being her husband's mistress, she had her photograph of us in the smoking area when the boss was privately talking with me about my issues with Sarah. And those photographs were professionally taken as if my boss and I really have an affair. But in the end, I was proven innocent with the help of my officemates that testified to the false allegation.

Akala siguro ni Sarah ay magagawa niyang ibato sa akin ang kasalanan niya pero marami nang mga mata ang nakakakita sa kanila at sa kanya itinuturo ang lahat.

I resigned after that day. Luckily, I have some friends who stood up for me, one of them was a lawyer who took the initiatives to face those foolish couple. Atty. Sarmiento handled everything, hindi na niya ako hinayaan pang humarap sa mga taong alam niyang higit na magpapabigat sa pakiramdam ko.

"Impaktang Sarah talaga iyon! Wala ba talaga siyang ibang ginawa kundi guluhin ang buhay mo?! How could she—" hinawakan ko na ang kamay ni Nore at mariin ko siyang pinakatitigan. Hindi ko na gustong alalahanin pa ang nangyari sa dati kong trabaho.

"You were framed! Dapat ay nagsampa ka na ng kaso sa pagpapahiya nila sa 'yo! The wife of your boss! Your fucking boss! At ang totoong kabit na si Sarah!" halos sabunutan ni Nore ang kanyang sarili sa nakikita niyang reaksyon sa akin.

"Dapat ay matuto nang leksyon iyang si Sarah!"

Halos mangatal ang buong katawan ko habang naririnig ang pangalan ng babaeng iyon. I almost beg Nore to stop mentioning her name in front of my face. At higit pa sa galit ang siyang nararamdaman ko sa mga oras na ito, kaya nais ko na lang lumayo.

"Rhoe Anne naman. . . why are you so kind?" nangangatal na rin ang mga labi ni Nore dahil sa gigil at galit. Mas mariin kong hinawakan ang kanyang mga kamay.

"Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi sa akin Nore that I am this kind, kahit kailan ay hindi ko hinayaang mamayani ang galit sa akin. No matter how hard they tried to make my life miserable, I always want to brush it off or ignore it. Dahil alam ko sa sarili kong walang mangyayaring maganda sa akin kung higit kong papansinin ang katulad ni Sarah na may matinding galit at inggit sa akin. I am trying to run off, not because I am coward but I am afraid of the things that I might have done to strike back. . ." inalalayan na ako ni Nore papasok sa apartment ko hanggang sa kapwa na kami naupo.

"Rhoe Anne. . ."

"This is the best thing I can do save myself, Nore. . . dahil sa sandaling itulak pa ako sa sukdulan ni Sarah, alam kong hindi lang siya ang magsisisi kundi maging ako," mas dumiin ang kamay kong nakahawak kay Nore.

I didn't even bother to wipe those tears streaming down my cheeks. "Too much hatred is too foreign in my emotions, Nore. Because I always ignore it, I always brush it off. . . but now that it's starting to surface, now that it's about to overwhelm me, I am starting to get scared with my own thoughts. . ."

Nagsisimula na akong maniwala sa kasabihan na huwag na huwag gagalitin ang mga taong tahimik o kaya'y mababait— and I can say that I am one of those. How could I endure those treatments for years without this character? Was it my fault that I suppressed too much emotions and now I am about to explode?

Pigil ang paghinga ni Nore habang pinapanuod at pinapakinggan niya ang mga salita ko.

"I want her to stop pestering me. I want her to stop pushing my buttons, Nore. . ." naiiling na sabi ko. "Because she only knew me as a naïve and weak Rhoe Anne. . ."

Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko, yumuko na ako habang nagsisimula na namang bumalik ang mga alaalang tiniis ko kasama sina Sarah at Tita Kiana, ang mga panahon na nasa opisina ako, at ang ngiti niya nang makitang sinasabunutan ako ng babaeng iyon sa harap ng tao. She might have that happy dance while she watches me suffered for her mistake.

"Because now that I can see her ugly image, her laugh, the way she walked confidently as if she has the world, the way she looked happy when I am miserable. . . I just want to wring my hands around her neck. I could hire someone to shoot her head, pay men to bring her to me and torment her, poison her, or any ways to kill her. I have the money. I have a lot of it. I have the every way to end her life, Nore."

Natulala si Nore sa harapan ko. Binitawan ko siya at nayakap ko na ang sarili ko. I started to cry in front of her. "I am getting scared, Nore. . . this feeling is very foreign to me. I want to save myself, I want to save Sarah, dahil maging ako ay natatakot na sa sarili ko."

Bumuntonghininga si Nore. "Now, you're capable of this emotion, Rhoe Anne." Yumakap muli si Nore sa akin, mas mahigpit iyon at ilang beses niyang hinaplos ang likuran ko.

"That's the reason why you shouldn't suppress your anger, Rhoe Anne. Ilang taon mo rin tiniis ang bruhang iyan. But I know you, kilalang-kilala kita. You will never do it. You are not capable to hurt someone else, dahil mas gugustuhin mo pang ikaw ang saktan kaysa ikaw ang manakit ng ibang tao. Alam kong kailanman ay hindi ka bababa sa lebel ni Sarah, na higit pa sa pagpatay ng tao ang kayang gawin sa kapwa."

Pinunasan na ni Nore ang luha ko at ilang beses niyang hinaplos ang buhok ko. "You need to have a vacation. Pupunta kang Japan, hindi ba? Have some rest. Don't worry. I'll be with Atty. Shantelle Sarmiento. At bibigyan natin ng leksyon ang bobo mong boss, ang asawa niya at si Sarah gamit ang batas. I hope Japan will heal you."

***

I arrived at Japan during summer season, when everything was glistening from the sunlight. Since my mother left some souvenirs I already had the itinerary of the places that I have to visit. I just noticed that most of the places were from Gifu, Japan. It's one of the provinces of Japan that tourists don't usually visit.

Nang bumaba na ako sa harap ng hotel na napili ko, hindi na ako nagulat sa hitsura nito. Dahil na rin siguro sa tamang review na nabasa ko online. There was nothing fancy about the hotel, it looked old but well-maintained. But what made it aesthetically beautiful was its surrounding. Dahil napapalibutan ng palayan ang kabuuan ng hotel, as if it was a lost hotel in the middle of a magical place. Bukod rin kasi sa palayan ay malapit itong ilog at natatanaw rin ang mga bundok na nakapaligid sa buong lugar na iyon. It was like I was part of a painting.

I spent my weeks in Japan, traveling alone, eating different delicacies, writing, and dressing up. I was alone, but I was happy. I didn't think of anything but experiencing those places that my parents have been to.

Pinilit kong masaya sa umaga, ngumiti sa kapwa ko mga turista, tikman ang bawat pagkain na makikita ko, subukan ang kanilang iba't ibang tradisyon, manuod ng fireworks, magsuot ng kanilang mga tradisyunal na kasuotan, at isulat ang bawat pangyayaring madalas ay iniisip kong higit na masaya kung kasama ang aking mga magulang.

I was parking my rented bike in front of our hotel when I heard noises. Nang lumingon ako sa daan ay naagaw ang atensyon ko ng may limang bata na nagbi-bisekletang magkakasunod. Naagaw din yata ang atensyon ng mga bata kaya kapwa sila tumingin sa akin lahat.

I greeted them in Japanese. "Konnichiwa."

Sumagot silang lima sa akin nang sunud-sunod bago nila ako nilampasan at nagpatuloy sila sa pagbi-bisekleta.

Dahil uwian ako sa bawat lakad ko, madalas ko nang napapansin ang limang bata na naglalaro sa tabi ng hotel na tinutuluyan ko. Ang isa pa sa kanila ay parang pamilyar na sa akin at kumakaway na sa may bintana ko.

One of the regular guests of the hotel told me that those kids were usually spending their summer vacation there with their guardians. "The hotel has been trying to buy the land, but that family's too stubborn. Aside from that they are a wealthy family. They don't need the money of this old hotel," she said humorously.

Ilang beses na lang akong tumango. Hindi lang pala sa Pinas uso ang tsismis dahil pati na rin pala dito sa Japan. Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpunta sa iba't ibang lugar na isinulat ko sa notebook ko na siyang narating na ng mga magulang ko.

Until I met him.

Akala ko pa nga ay siya ang aking ama dahil siya lang ang may kaisa-isang pangalan ng hapon na mayroon komunikasyon si Mama noon. They exchanged emails before, the messages were too short and mostly were just greetings, but I couldn't blame myself for thinking that he was my father.

But I was wrong. I met him by the beach, and he was sitting near his white old truck while watching the waves of the sea. He was there, as if he was waiting for someone.

The old Japanese man named, Mouri. He immediately recognized me the moment he saw me, and called me by my mother's name. "Rowena. . ."

Umiling ako sa kanya. I walked towards him slowly. "My mom's gone. . ."

I saw the tears of that old man before he offered me another chair for me. There, near the beach, he told me everything about his adventures with my mother and father and his one-sided love.

"We were university students, your mother was an exchange student. She's smart, beautiful and very confident. We had group tasks together until we became friends, and both of us, your father and I fell for your mother. But unfortunately. . ." kahit hindi na niya ituloy pa ang sasabihin niya ay alam ko na ang sunod na nangyari.

"This place is the witness of how their love fell apart. Your father's family separated them in this place when everything was so happy. . ." dagdag niya.

"And you were silently enduring those pains with their every smile," sagot ko.

"Should I be the villain if it is the story of my love and my best friend?"

Hindi na ako muling nagsalita. I want to ask him where my father was, but I knew that I would have a hard time to accept the end of this journey. Kaya pinagpatuloy ko ang pagpunta sa iba pang lugar na konektado sa mga magulang ko habang unti-unti ko nang nararamdaman ang panghihina ng katawan ko.

I want to reach all those places and create good memories, na sa bawat pag-uwi ko sa hotel ko ay may bago akong alaala na siyang maisusulat. That I'd tell my mother that I have a nice and beautiful journey with those memories that caused her pain.

At nang makarating ako sa bawat destinasyon na ipinangako kong mararating ko, at inakalang handa na akong harapan ang aking ama, hindi ko akalain na babalik ang sakit na naramdaman ko nang sandaling bitawan na ni Mama ang mga kamay ko.

Hindi tumigil ang mga luha ko habang nakaalalay ang matandang si Mouri habang nasa harapan ako ng kanyang puntod. Mouri gave me my father's letter for me that he asked him to give me when I come looking for him.

I didn't have the strength to read it right after he gave it to me, but when I was back in my hotel room, alone, with the dim light of my lamp on my bedside table, my small notebook, my endless tears, medicines, and inhaler while clutching my chest, I forced myself to read every word and stories of my father.

Their failed love story and his wishes for me. . .

As my vision started to get blurry, with my tears, heavy breathing with my one of my hands trying to push my chest as if it would relieve my pain physically and emotionally, and the other that almost crumpled the letter, I used my remaining strength to read my father's words. And wished that fate should have given me more time to make myself happy and fulfill my parents' dream for me. . . 

"I am sorry that I was weak, scared, and too foolish to fight for you and your mom, Rhoe Anne. I wish that you'll find a man who is brave enough to love and fight for you until the very end. I hope that you'll find a man that will give you a happy ending that I failed to give your mother. I know that you'll never believe it, but I love you, you and your mother."