I said goodbye to Kota at the back door of the shop, and I quietly made my way back inside the closed back room. Aki's makeup bag was atop a pile of his sweat pants and t-shirt on a chair, his backpack hanging on the backrest. My overnight bag had been neatly placed under the chair, a plastic bag under it to protect it from dust, I assumed. I placed the bag with Aki's present gently inside, sitting it in between a layer of my own sweat pants and sweater.

"Ah, you must be Sugimori-san." I was startled by the sound of the door opening quickly, and a voice I didn't recognize when I was expecting no one other than Aki. I stood quickly to face a simple looking man wearing an entirely black outfit of sleek dress pants and a loose fitting t-shirt. He had traditional style sandles on, and his toenails were painted a shiny black. He had shaggy hair, but it looked intentional, and his facial hair was unkempt in an intentional way as well. "I'm Toku. I worked with Aki to design this line."

I held out my hand to him and bowed, but he only returned the bow. "Nice to meet you. The work you and Aki did together was amazing!"

"Thank you. Aki absolutely did not stop talking about you when he came to visit me in Osaka." I couldn't tell if he was annoyed, or if he was speaking with endearment. "Everywhere we went after work he would say he had to bring you some time. You better go to Osaka with him immediately."

I was left trying to decide if Toku-san was irritated or just eccentric as he exited the back door. I took a chance to peek through the door into the store to see how Aki was doing. The crowd inside the store made a semi circle around Aki, and filed out the door into the street as well. They seemed to be respectful of his space, and of each other, and Aki looked content to be present with them. He was seated on a tall stool with his acoustic guitar on his lap getting ready to play, and chatting with the people closest to him as he twisted the tuning knobs and plucked the strings. I noticed a girl in the front row to the right of where Aki sat try to get the attention of the girl standing beside her, and discreetly pointed in my direction. She seemed to be whispering something to the other girl, trying to be secretive, and it caught Aki's attention. He looked over his shoulder with a smile, quickly, so he wouldn't draw attention to the acknowledgement he was making. I spun back around the corner, knowing I had been spotted, and stood with my back against the wall. I took a deep breath with the smile Aki had thrown over his shoulder for me burned into my mind's eye. He still made my heart race no matter what he did.

The first strum of Aki's guitar commanded the attention of the crowd, and all the chatter in the background of the store fell silent. He didn't have a microphone, but even the sound of the hum he made to test his tone carried over the sound of the guitar. As he began to sing, I took a chance to peek around the corner again to watch, knowing the crowd would be too captivated by him to bother testing the theory that I might be present. I could only see his back, watch his foot tap on the floor to keep the beat, his hand moving on the neck of the guitar, but I knew he sang slow songs with his eyes closed most of the time. I watched him hold the attention of every person in the room so effortlessly, with his presence, the power of his voice alone accompanied by a guitar. The same presence that held me close against his body, the same voice that spoke low into my ear. It was the first time that I witnessed him in such a way that I could easily translate into the Aki for my eyes only, that I recognized he was the same person in every different setting I experienced him in.

He played five of Guardian's songs as an acoustic set, just him and his guitar perched on the stool, surrounded at the same level by a crowd of his fans. It was the first time I had heard him sing the songs in such a way, although I had heard him sing without any instrumental accompaniment so many times, the sounds of his raw shouts and screams vibrated my whole body and into my soul. It could have been that every other person in the crowd watching him sing felt the same way about his presence, his voice, but it could have been that I felt it more heavily because of the way I loved him. I had no doubt that every other person in the room loved him as well, and in a way he loved them back, but I had the knowledge that I was the only person in the world to share a love with him that kept us connected as deeply as his screams sent vibrations through me.

Toku had returned to the back room and had offered me a cup of coffee that he had sourced from his travels outside. We sat together mostly silently while I snuck a look around the corner now and then to see Aki interacting with the crowd while he posed with them individually for photos and signed Guardian merchandise. Toku had brought a younger woman with him, who made her way immediately to start working the checkout as the people in the crowd chose items to buy from the shop when they had their turn with Aki. As expected, he was practiced in the way he interacted with his fans, and the expression on his face was genuinely happy to appease their every wish. He shook their hands and bowed with them with a smile on his face. His smile was beautiful. He didn't hesitate to put an arm around a fan's shoulders for a photo, or oblige a request to do a silly pose, and I smiled to myself as I watched him. He was humble about how famous he really was, and he was grateful to the people that continually recognized his talent as a musician. In those moments when he interacted with them like every one of them were his best friend, he could barely contain his excitement.

"Aki is really skilled." A small, tired sounding voice came from Toku, slumped in a chair behind me. I turned my attention reluctantly away from Aki to engage in the conversation. Toku motioned with his coffee cup in Aki's general direction. "I didn't believe that his tattoos were real at first. I was really curious about his image. Did you know they were real?"

I laughed a little at his ignorance. "Yes, I knew." I wanted to offer something to give him a reason to keep talking. He struck me as a strange man, but I wanted to hear his stories, and his perspective of Aki.

"He showed up every morning to work dressed like a rockstar. Black biker jacket, black jeans, boots, jewelry. He would take off his jacket and be wearing a t-shirt you could almost see through, all his tattoos on display like it was the most natural thing in the world." He was talking as if he was an old man complaining about the young people he came into contact with. "I can see why you like him. I can see why everyone likes him."

I wasn't very good at sensing jealousy in the tone of a person's voice, but I was sure I was detecting it in Toku's statement. "Aki is just one of those people." I said. "He's confident, and he's good at everything he does because he does everything with his whole heart."

"He really inspired me. Not just as a designer, but as a man." He nodded slowly to himself, as if he was approving his own sentiments. "I didn't like him at first, because just being around him made me feel something. But then I realized he was making me feel inadequate, in a way that made me want to be better."

Toku's feelings about being around Aki mirrored my own. From the beginning of my time with Aki, I had always thought I needed to be stronger, needed to be better, needed to earn my place beside him. It was nothing he did, not even the way he acted, that made me feel that way about him, but simply his presence was so great that it was easy to feel small beside such an energy force.

We sipped coffee and talked about nothing for over an hour. Aki burst into the room and sat himself heavily on the floor, sighing deeply. He had a lingering smile on his face, his expression of satisfaction and contentment. "That was exhausting." He said. "But so amazing."

He reached over to take my coffee cup from my hand, but realized it was empty. "We've been sitting here drinking coffee for a long time while you were talking with everyone. I'll go get you one, there's a cafe right down the street."

I began to stand but Aki's hand landed heavily atop my thigh to stop me. "Don't worry about it, I'll get something on the way to Shinjuku." He pointed at Toku. "Toku-san, everyone bought something. They are just finishing up checking everyone out."

"Good work, Aki."

Toku left the room to tend to the sales, and Aki immediately stood to begin gathering his bags. "You ready to go? I'm excited for coffee." I nodded and stood to gather my things as well. "I know what I look like right now." Aki continued. I stopped to give him my attention. "This is just my 'extremely content' face. You see it often because it shows up directly after my 'after sex' face. But you're the only one who sees that face. I assure you they are different faces."

I clapped a hand over my mouth partly in embarrassment and partly to stifle a laugh. He made the comment so casually, but I was still feeling reserved about the subject. "I was just thinking you look good, I don't know anything about the faces you make." It was a lie, and I knew he didn't take my comment seriously. I could see the softness in his expression that seemed to be staining his features, and I recognized it instantly as I witnessed it every night. The sleepiness in his eyes was telling, but his energy was grounded and calm.

"You're only shy talking about it." He called my bluff. "As soon as we start doing something you're putty in my hands. I'm beginning to think you're just playing shy."

The onsen hotel in Shinjuku was deceiving, a vast expanse of modern white steel on the outside, but on the inside was a traditional setting reminiscent of the onsen town in Kyoto. The moment the lobby doors opened, ceiling height bamboo trees greeted us, the smell of hinoki wood permeated the air, and the warmth was an enveloping comfort. It was hovering around five in the afternoon, and the winter air was closing in.

"Aki?" I had slowed as we entered to take in the atmosphere, but he had gone ahead to the end of the hallway to the desk. He looked over his shoulder as I called him. "Haven't we been here before?"

He smiled as he finished the task of taking the room keys from the desk attendant. "Yes, but this time we're checking in for the night, not just for a bath."

The room was similar to how I remembered the night Aki first introduced me to the place, a tattoo-friendly onsen in the middle of Shinjuku. The lights were dim, the sun was setting outside the large expanse of window, and I felt instantly more calm just by stepping foot over the threshold of the door. The sliding glass door to the right concealed a black tiled area with a large wooden bath. It was a simple room, a small shower head hooked on the wall, a hinoki stool, and a few bags with different shower tools the hotel offered to guests. The bed on the left side of the door was housed on a wooden platform, and was low to the floor just like Aki's bed in his Kamakura house. It was large, larger than I had ever seen before, and I thought it was a waste of space considering Aki and I always slept tangled together.

I put my bags down on the floor beside the bed and peeled the first few layers off until only my sports bra and my most modest exercise shorts remained. It had become a habit taken from my observation of Aki to remove my outermost layers of clothing when settling in for the night after returning home. I heard Aki scoff from further into the room, and turned my gaze to search for him.

"I'm not trying to rush you." He said with a gentle laugh. "We have a dinner reservation first." I kept my gaze on him for a moment before I remembered his comment about me remaining under him for the whole duration of his birthday night.

I quickly considered if the response I should give him would protect my last remaining ounces of grace or not. "If a lady is getting undressed in your presence, I don't think you should try to stop her."

"That sentiment is going to get me in a lot of trouble."

Guests of the hotel were expected to wear yukata, and we changed into the matching ones provided in the room before we ventured out to the restaurant. It was a cream colour with dark blue lines here and there in no particular pattern, as if raindrops were falling onto it from every direction. The obi belt was a matching dark blue, both fabrics a comfortable and cozy linen. Aki didn't have to worry about the sleeves being too short to cover his arms, or the closure being done up tightly to hide his chest. We both wore the dark blue haori coat over the yukata as well, worried that the restaurant would be cold.

Aki had chosen the food ahead of time, so there was little to do but sip tea at the low table while we waited. We had made it before the rush of people would arrive after work to check in for the weekend, and we were almost alone in the space. Aki had shrugged off his haori almost immediately after sitting down, but I enjoyed the extra layer of weight it provided. We sat on cushions on the floor, and I felt like I had been transported back to the 1920s, even in the middle of a busy city.

"I have a birthday gift for you. It's in the room, so you can look forward to it after dinner." I started the conversation.

From across the table, he leaned on his elbow, resting his chin on his curled hand, throwing me a soft smile. "Thank you. You didn't have to." I realized he truly hadn't been expecting a gift from me, and the feeling his smile was purposeful to show that he was pleased, even unaware of what the gift was. "Natsu, what do you like about me?"

The question seemed to come out of nowhere. I took it as an opportunity to say the words to Aki that I was usually too shy to. "There's so much." I said, but I paused to quickly daydream about the day we met. I had been instantly addicted to Aki, even if I wasn't sure at the start what the feeling meant. From the moment I saw him on stage, his image and his voice captured me, drew me in, and ultimately never let me go. "I won't even bother trying to lie to you." I continued. "I was physically attracted to you first. When I saw you on stage, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. And after that, when we met, you were so kind to me. You showed me more kindness just in the first day we met than I had been shown in my entire life up to that point. You're so easy to trust, and you're so genuine. I can feel how much you love me in everything you do."

He listened with the same soft expression, looking at my face while I spoke. "I pray you never have to experience anything else from a man."