I walked slowly on the way back home from the station, watching the sky lighten. It was nearing six in the morning when I made it back to Ueno park, and decided to stop at the little coffee shop there, lingering as I waited a few minutes for it to open. The park was quiet, few people were on the move so early on a Saturday, as most didn't have to commute to work. I wondered what I would do to occupy myself, as the quiet of being alone was already settling in as so different from being with Aki, and I barely remembered how I ever managed it. When I was with Aki, even if we were silent, the silence sounded so much different than it did without him. I made up my mind to stay as busy as I could to keep my thoughts from running wild.

I brought my coffee home with me, and into the shower, as I lingered a little longer in the hot water, sipping from the cup. Washing Aki's scent off of my body felt wrong when he wasn't there to replace it. I decided I would go to the recording studio for the day to finish my school work, and practice working on the mixing board, even if it meant recording myself just to have some material I could learn with. Guardian wouldn't be there, as during writing and recording periods for them, they preferred to take the weekends off to rest.

At quarter to nine, just like he said, Aki called. "I just got off the train, I'm walking across the street to the hotel. How are you?"

"I just got to the studio." I told him. "I'm going to do my homework here today and practice recording and mixing since no one is going to be around."

He laughed on the other end of the phone. I could hear traffic in the background for a moment, then it went quiet. I assumed he must have stepped inside the hotel lobby. "You're allowed to take a weekend off too, you know."

"If I just relax and do nothing I'll miss you too much."

"I'll be back Tuesday night. Won't be long." I could hear a heavy door being opened and shut. "I'm in the board room with the team now. I'll call you this evening, okay? I'm not sure when we're going to be finished working today."

I nodded to the phone, though I knew he couldn't see it. "Have a good time today, Aki."

I sighed heavily as I hung up the phone, looking at the screen with Aki's name still there as the last caller. Hasegawa Akira. I had saved his phone number under his full name the day he had given it to me in the izakaya, and that was how it stayed. My fingertips wandered over the mixing board for a moment as I readjusted my thoughts, and dropped my bag into the chair to settle in. "Hasegawa Natsuko." I said to myself, trying it out to see for myself what it would sound like. I looked at the ring he had given on my finger, the concrete evidence that trying out my name with his was not just a daydream.

The studio was quiet when Guardian wasn't around, and I realized how much life they contributed to everything I experienced in day to day life. Being on my own with Aki took on a suddenly new perspective, showing me just how full my life had become with the band as my makeshift family. I pressed the button to start a recording on the panel, and quickly crossed over into the booth, affixing Aki's headphones over my ears. The silence coming through was deafening, and I nearly startled myself as I took a deep breath to begin singing.

It was one of Guardian's early songs from their first album released nearly ten years ago, and the only ballad on the album. Even then, Aki's vocal skill was strong, and though it was evident that as the years went, he had only gotten better, it was a debut that proved to the world the talent he had right from the start. As I sang, I sang with his image in my mind's eye, running through all the memories I had of him since the day we met. I felt my voice able to strengthen with every instance I imagined, making the song my own with my personality as I followed the blue prints that Aki had left years before.

When I opened my eyes, I caught a frantic movement and turned my head to the window to see Kota standing at the mixing board, clapping his hands together. The expression on his face was full of joy, and I assumed, knowing Kota, that he was excited to hear one of Guardian's first songs come to life again. He waved when he saw that he had caught my attention, and I joined him in the mixing room.

"How much did you hear?" I asked him. "I had my eyes closed."

He had taken a seat at the computer and began pulling up the files of the recording I made, instantly trimming the edges of dead air. I made a mental note to watch him closely and learn the steps he took. "A few bars. You really did that song justice, it sounded amazing."

"I came to practice with the mixing equipment, but I didn't have a recording, so I thought I would just make one." I felt the need to explain my presence in the studio, hoping that his would follow.

Kota nodded and turned in the chair to face me. "I called Aki to see how the trip to Osaka was. He told me you would be here today, so I thought I would keep you company if you wanted some."

"Things have gotten a lot more difficult suddenly in school." I pointed to the computer he was sitting at. "We're actually learning this program, but I'm having trouble understanding it. They go too fast."

Kota clapped his hands together and rubbed them frantically as if he was preparing himself to get excited about something. "I can teach you this program. It's really easy once you start using it."

We spent the remainder of the afternoon there, in the mixing room, only stepping out now and then to replenish our supply of vending machine tea. I knew beforehand how skilled each member of Guardian was musically, but as Kota taught me about the equipment one piece at a time, I began to understand the vastness of that talent and all it encompassed. A well rounded musician mastered not only the music and the instruments, but also became a master of the equipment necessary to produce it. It was an industry that was constantly in motion, constantly changing and evolving, and to remain within it as it moved, I knew I needed to learn quickly and adapt. Adaptation was another skill I made a mental note to prepare to learn.

The sun started to set early in the evening at the beginning of autumn, but also rose far too early in the morning. I checked the time on my phone as I lingered at the door of the studio, half waiting for Kota to turn off the lights, half just content to simply be standing there bathed in the orange light. It was nearing five in the afternoon, and I wondered if I should call Aki or wait for him to call me, afraid that he might still be working.

"I'll walk you home, it's getting dark." Kota appeared beside me as I slipped into my thoughts. I nodded to him and smiled, accepting his offer. I decided to send Aki a message to tell him that I was going home, and that I would wait for his call.

"Do you want tea?" I asked Kota as we entered the apartment. I kicked off my shoes and made my way to the kitchen to turn the lights on, but he lingered in the doorway.

"No, I've had enough tea for one afternoon." He chuckled, and I recalled the trash can in the studio overflowing with the bottles we had emptied while we were there. "I'll get going. Are you going to be okay?"

I nodded firmly, only pretending to have confidence about the situation. "I'm fine. I have school again tomorrow, so I'll just be getting washed up and going to bed anyway." I felt like he could see through me, though he didn't know me as well as Aki did, and I was sure I hid my nervousness from him well enough.

"Do you want me to stay?" He asked a little hesitantly, like he didn't want to offend me by offering.

I shook my head. "I'm really fine. Thank you though. And thank you for helping me today."

As Kota closed the door behind him and I busied myself in the kitchen, the quiet settled in again. I poured leftover miso soup into a pot to warm on the stove, and took out a container of leftover grilled vegetables to poke at with my chopsticks. I tested a bite, and decided they were fine

cold. I stared into the pot of soup, stirring it lightly every few seconds, and finally, a little after six, the phone rang.

"Sorry it took so long to call, this work is intense." Aki began to explain himself after I answered. "They wanted to create all the designs while I was here! Can you believe it? Nothing is ready, and we have a pretty strict deadline. How was your day?"

I laughed at his frantic pace. "It was good. I spent all day at the studio with Kota. He taught me some programs I can use for mixing, and I recorded one of your old songs."

I poured the soup into a bowl after I had begun to see steam rising from it, and sat down at the table in the living room with the phone on speaker. "Right, he was texting me. He said he would stop by to help you after I told him you were going to be there. I'm glad you had company." He made a sound of effort, as if he was climbing onto something, and I thought he must have been laying on the hotel bed. "You have classes tomorrow, don't you?"

"Yes, I'll be at school all day. You don't have to worry about me being alone." I laughed, knowing exactly what he was thinking. "Aki, I used to be alone all the time, I told you before. You don't have to worry about me, just enjoy your work."

He sighed heavily. "I know. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"You're more worried about it than I am. I know a lot has happened, but everything is fine now." I was partly lying, but I was mostly trying to convince myself. "What are you doing with the rest of the night over there?" I tried to change the subject.

"There's a dinner downstairs for us in an hour. I was going to shower and make an appearance because I'm hungry, but also tired." He chuckled with a slightly embarrassed sounding tone. "Feels a little wrong going to dinner without you. Also showering without you. And sleeping -"

"Aki." I interjected to stop his mind from running. "I won't keep you. Go get ready for dinner."

Another deep sigh. "Yeah, okay. I'll call you after." He paused for a beat. "Hang on, did you say you recorded one of my old songs?"

"Yes, the ballad from Guardian's first album." I nodded astutely even though he couldn't see it through the phone.

"Wow. I'm excited to hear that. Maybe we can revive it." He made a sound as if he was confirming the fact to himself. "All right, I'm going. Talk to you soon." We said our goodbyes quickly and he hung up.

He called again at ten, and I just climbed into bed after showering, planning to read through the comments on Guardian's recent social media posts that I hadn't paid much attention to. I had taken Aki's t-shirt from the laundry hamper to wear to bed over my underwear, and had breathed it in first before pulling it over my head. I wanted to be close to Aki's scent, his cologne, and the way his skin smelled, but if the shirt was sweaty I would need to shower again in the morning. I leaned back against the pillows with the phone to my ear as I listened to him tell me about his dinner, letting my eyes close to imagine him. He said good night, and told me to call him in the morning when I got up to go to school, as he would be getting up at about the same time to begin work again.

The night was unexpectedly daunting. I had been content to drift to sleep after talking to Aki on the phone, but quickly I was woken up by a nightmare. The first thing I realized that I was no longer wrapped up against Aki's body, and I reached to pat the bed beside me with my palm before remembering that I was alone. It was just past one in the morning, the light of the city was illuminating the living room through the bedroom door. I had forgotten to draw the curtains before going to bed. I found myself with a glass of water in both hands, holding it to my chest, gazing out the window at nothing. I used the collar of the t-shirt I was wearing to wipe sweat from my face, and realized most of my body was wet with it, the shirt sticking to my back.

I let the lights come in and out of focus as my mind woke up, and suddenly the thought of going back to sleep seemed unimaginable. I was determined not to call Aki, even though I knew he would likely be waking to talk to Kota, it was their ritual. After standing at the window, the nightmare that woke me made its way to the background of my mind finally, and I started the shower with the intention of rinsing the sweat from my skin. Wrapped in a towel, I returned to the bedroom to toss Aki's shirt back into the laundry hamper. I had left an outline of my body in sweat where I had been laying, and I sighed to myself in annoyance. I grabbed one of Aki's hooded sweaters from the closet, holding it tightly against my body, dropped my towel onto the floor and arranged myself on Aki's side of the bed, not fully deciding if I would apologize to him later for it, or simply not mention it.

Sunday night was more of the same. Nightmare, shower, sleeplessness, and somehow waking after some time had passed naked on Aki's side of the bed hugging his sweater. I went to the studio after school on Monday, relying on my muscle memory. I knew the rest of Guardian would be there recording instrumentals, trying to get a head start so Aki would have music to sing to when he returned. I was exhausted, and surprised at how easily I had gotten used to sharing life with Aki, and how disruptive it became when my regular routines with him were interrupted by his absence. I had gone through a handful of drastic life changes with him; moving to Tokyo, beginning university, life threatening injury. He also played a role in a few small life milestones that in comparison were insignificant, but still shaped the importance of his presence; becoming my first boyfriend, the first person I shared my whole life with, losing my virginity to him, and becoming engaged to him. I told myself it was only natural that I depended on him a little more.