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chapter twenty two | heavy

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It was so much more than Kaya could carry.

She was dragging around the tragic loss of Cedric Diggory, and it felt like a great weight crushing her. She constantly felt like collapsing onto the floor, the hole in her heart bringing her down.

Why was everything so heavy?

Even making the effort to get out of bed in the morning was too much. She couldn't walk into the common room without feeling sick. The physical pain stabbing at her heart was lingering, and the hurt felt like it was imprinted on her, never going away.

Her eyes were baggy and sore from lack of sleep and too much crying. Her thin face was pale and gaunt.

But she hated to make everything about her - and she was driving herself crazy trying not to.

She wouldn't let anybody try to comfort her too much, because she wasn't the only one suffering. She hadn't just lost one of her best friends - Cho Chang had lost her lover. Amos Diggory had lost his son. Poor Harry Potter was the one to have to witness his death. And so many of the others had lost a boy so dearest to them, yet Kaya was sitting wrapped up in her bedsheets feeling sorry for herself.

That was her only motivation to get out of bed in the morning - the fact that so many others were going through the same thing.

She was also paranoid - anxious she'd be accused of attention seeking by anyone else. It's not like she was with Cedric every second of the day when he was alive - but they were close and they had their moments together - whether people who didn't know Kaya knew that or not.

Deep down she was hurting, bad. She'd taken so many things for granted.

Kaya had taken Cedric sitting next to her and Maisie in the Great Hall at the start of term feast for granted. She'd taken the nights where the two would be on duty together for granted. She'd taken every moment sitting with him in their usual spot in the common room for granted. She'd taken all the Transfiguration lessons where she'd been lucky to sit next to him for granted.

Kaya had taken Cedric himself for granted.

Which made it all worse, because there were too many things that reminded her of him. She felt like she was going mad.

Maisie was going through the exact same thing. The two girls didn't leave the common room for days - having to sit somewhere else because they couldn't even look at where they'd used to hang about with Cedric. It made them feel as though they were going to throw up.

Kaya managed to save some of the crying for night time, and so sat in silence for most of the day. The common room had never been so dull - everyone was in the same boat. And those who could bring themselves to get on with their day would return with food from the kitchens for those struggling. True Hufflepuff unity that Cedric would've been to happy to see.

Meanwhile, the brunette girl was at war with herself. Kaya was too drained to do anything, but felt too guilty to sit around and do nothing. She'd often spend time with Maisie in the quiet or empty common room - sometimes they never even spoke. The silence was comforting - because they both knew how each other felt. They could empathise with each other, and they didn't have to explain themselves. It was easy.

There was one evening, where they'd tried sitting back in their usual places to see if it made them feel better, the spot where Cedric would sit left empty. He was still welcome to return and sit there. He was still apart of their Hufflepuff trio. They still loved him.

And they could've sworn that his clean smell of whatever aftershave he always used had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. For at least ten minutes, they were convinced they could smell, even sense him there with them in the spot where he used to sit. Maybe it was the grief, or maybe they were insane.

But they both swore they could smell it - smell him - and it was a secret they'd kept between each other, nobody else knowing.

Jaeden and Milo eventually broke into the common room because they hadn't seen their girls for almost three days and it was making them stressed and worried. Nobody in the Hufflepuff common room cared when they finally got the taps on the barrels right and entered. Many didn't even look their way when they walked in, heading straight for Kaya and Maisie.

It was when she felt Jaeden's comforting arms wrapped around her shoulders did Kaya break down, not caring anymore that it was daytime. The boys shed a few tears of their own at the sight of Kaya and Maisie's suffering - not to mention, Cedric's death had impacted them even if they hadn't known him as well as the girls had.

"You need to get out of here," Milo had said to them softly. "I know you're hurting, I understand that. But distracting yourself and perhaps finding a bit of normality might help,"

Jaeden added how much they were missed. Fred, George and Lee were extremely concerned about both girls. They hated not seeing them everyday. They missed their natural jolly attitudes and funny jokes. They longed for a glimpse of them - because they'd always been the ones with the bright personalities and smiles. Even if those things were absent, just seeing them again would make it all a tiny bit more bearable.

Daily life just felt so wrong without them. It was like they'd lost both Kaya and Maisie as well as Cedric.

Jaeden and Milo were missing their 'sisters' as they'd always called them. They missed their witty comebacks, their playful jokes and calling each other out on how stupid they could be at times. They missed Kaya and Jaeden's petty, sarcastic arguments and then them teaming up two seconds later against someone else. They knew fully well the same girls wouldn't be back for a while - but, like the other three, they just needed to see their faces.

Alfie and Jeremy were so confused and saddened at the missing girls. Alfie was constantly asking Milo what was up, and Milo would explain. Alfie could handle situations better than Kaya could, though. That still didn't stop him from worrying about his big sister.

Kaya and Maisie agreed that sitting around doing nothing was doing them no good - and turned up at the Great Hall for lunch. Fred, George and Lee were over the moon and so relieved to see them - although the state the two were in did pain them. It was bittersweet.

As Kaya sat next to him, Fred found her hand under the table and squeezed it, before returning to his food. He didn't wink, or make any flirty jokes. She was hurting - she wasn't in the right place for any of that, right now, and he understood that. She'd given him a weak smile in return, grateful for his understanding without her having to give a word of explanation.

Although their loss of appetite was pretty clear, the boys had managed to convince the two Hufflepuff's to eat some food. Jae even managed to grab Kaya four Yorkshire puddings, knowing she loved them so much, which she was grateful for, although she ate two and a half, instead of all of them.

Stefan later found Maisie, and the two had disappeared. The quiet boy was good at comforting her - and although they didn't know each other very well, Milo and Jaeden gave him a nod for looking after their best friend.

"Cedric wouldn't want this," Fred had told Kaya at a time where they were both alone. He looked down at the emotionless girl with a concerned expression. "You know he wouldn't,"

"You're right," she'd replied, softly but bluntly. "He wouldn't,"

And then her voice broke as more tears welled up in her eyes. She wasn't sure what it was, but it was so much harder trying not to cry in front of people - especially when they were trying to comfort her.

"I can't explain it," she whimpered, as Fred wrapped her up in a hug. Even the smell of him was comforting. "I can't help it. I feel like I'm going mad. It's like... it's all so heavy. Everything feels like it's pulling me down. And like, I know it's the sadness and saying it hurts is metaphorical. But it really hurts, Fred. It feels like a stabbing pain, and I'm not even exaggerating. It physically hurts."

"If I could make it go away, I would," Fred replied, feeling a lump in his own throat and a few droplets of water forming in his eyes at the sound of Kaya's explanation. "I wish I could make it go away, Kaya. I really do,"

Things got easier for a little while as the days passed. Part of Kaya felt like it was all a bad dream, and she couldn't bring herself to believe it, yet. She even tried to, but it was like there was something wrong with her and she was behind on everything.

And then there was a day where Fred had said something witty and she'd laughed for the first time in who knows how long. That made Fred feel good. It made him feel so good. It was like a sign of Kaya getting better - although they knew there was never going to be a full recovery from this.

She and Maisie grew better as the days went on - they weren't back to normal, they were far from it. But they weren't as distraught as the past few days, either - it was like a neutral feeling, where nothing swayed them towards a particular emotion.

The reminders of Cedric still jumped out at them from random places.

And then the phase of forgetting he was gone begun. Kaya would wonder where he was when he wasn't in his usual seat in the common room and then it would hit her. Maisie would look for him at Hufflepuff table with a confused expression and then it would hit her.

He'd left such a great impact on their lives, it was crazy. It wasn't even like he'd been apart of their close circle of friends, and it was still a shock to the system.

The news Lord Voldemort had returned also took a toll on the students. Many wanted to be in denial, because that was easier. Kaya and her friends didn't have this mindset - they felt it was the biggest form of disrespect to Cedric there could be. He was murdered. Even the word made them feel sick. And to deny that even happened, to lie and say it was an accident, was the worst thing Kaya could possibly think of.

If accepting one of the most dangerous wizards in the world was back honoured Cedric's memory, than she would do just that. Even if it frightened her to the core.

The end of term feast couldn't have been worse. There was a gap next to Maisie where Cedric should've been sitting. Kaya's eyes didn't leave it, and the girl sat in a daze as she stared at the empty seat. Fred watched her from across the room and wanted nothing more than to jump over the tables and give her a cuddle. Jaeden and Milo kept glancing at the girls throughout, as though they were checking up on them.

"The end of another year," Dumbledore said from the teacher's table. Kaya just wanted to go home. She didn't feel hungry, she didn't feel an urge to want to make the most of her stay before the six weeks off. She wanted nothing more than to hop on the train and go home, where she couldn't be reminded of all the places or seats Cedric should've been in.

"There is much I would like to say to you all tonight, but I must first acknowledge the loss of a very fine person, who should be sitting here, enjoying our feast with us,"

Kaya felt her eyes water. It was shocking how much water her body still had for the amount of tears she'd cried.

"I would like you all please, to stand, and raise your glasses to Cedric Diggory,"

Everyone took their goblets and did so. Kaya and Maisie were doing well so far on the not crying front. But Maisie hadn't cried for days, like she'd ran out of tears and all that was left was her numb, dry eyes.

"Cedric was a person that exemplified many of the qualities that distinguish Hufflepuff house," said Dumbledore, after everyone sat back down. "He was a good, loyal friend, a hard worker and valued fair play. His death has affected you all, whether you knew him well or not. I think you have the right, to therefore, know how it came about,"

Kaya held her breath, not sure if she'd be able to get herself through the explanation of how her friend had died.

"Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort,"

And she let out a single sob, before sniffing and burying her head in her palms.

"Oh, no, I can't fucking deal with it," she whispered, her voice muffled from being covered with her hands. Maisie clenched her jaw to stop herself from having any type of reaction, but she still watched Kaya with an empathetic expression.

A panicked whisper swept the Great Hall and people were staring at Dumbledore in disbelief, or horror. He looked perfectly calm as he watched them mutter themselves into silence.

"The Ministry of Magic," Dumbledore continued, "does not wish me to tell you this. It is possible that some of your parents will be horrified that I have done so – either because they will not believe that Lord Voldemort has returned, or because they think I should not tell you so, young as you are. It is my belief, however, that the truth is generally preferable to lies, and that any attempt to pretend that Cedric died as the result of an accident, or some sort of blunder of his own, is an insult to his memory."

Kaya agreed with this, and the amount of respect she had for her headmaster grew even more.

"There is somebody else who must be mentioned in connection with Cedric's death," Dumbledore went on. "I am talking, of course, about Harry Potter."

A ripple crossed the Great Hall as Maisie and a few other heads turned to Harry's direction before flicking back to face Dumbledore. Kaya still had her head in her hands trying to calm herself down.

She peeked through her fingers at Fred Weasley across the room, sympathetically staring at her, and she took a deep breath, before sitting up again. She didn't want to upset him.

"Harry Potter managed to escape Lord Voldemort," said Dumbledore. "He risked his own life to return Cedric's body to Hogwarts. He showed, in every respect, the sort of bravery that few wizards have ever shown in facing Lord Voldemort, and for this, I honor him."

Dumbledore turned to Harry and raised his goblet once more. Nearly everyone in the Great Hall followed, including Kaya, Maisie and all their friends. Jaeden was one of the few Slytherins joining in, a gap at their house table made by people such as Draco Malfoy, refusing to stand.

Those that did raise their goblets murmured his name, as they had murmured Cedric's, and drank to him. Kaya couldn't imagine what Harry had gone through. She could barely handle the sight of his body, let alone watch Cedric die and fight of his killers at once.

When everyone had once again resumed their seats, Dumbledore continued, "The Triwizard Tournament's aim was to further and promote magical understanding. In the light of what has happened – of Lord Voldemort's return – such ties are more important than ever before."

Dumbledore looked from Madame Maxime and Hagrid, to Fleur Delacour and her fellow Beauxbatons students, to Viktor Krum and the Durmstrangs at the Slytherin table.

"Every guest in this Hall," said Dumbledore, and his eyes lingered upon the Durmstrang students, "will be welcomed back here at any time, should they wish to come. I say to you all, once again – in the light of Lord Voldemort's return, we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided. Lord Voldemort's gift for spreading discord and enmity is very great. We can fight it only by showing an equally strong bond of friendship and trust. Differences of habit and language are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open.

"It is my belief – and never have I so hoped that I am mistaken – that we are all facing dark and difficult times. Some of you in this Hall have already suffered directly at the hands of Lord Voldemort. Many of your families have been torn asunder. A week ago, a student was taken from our midst.

"Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory."

Kaya let more tears silently fall and stream down her face.

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The train ride home was long. Jaeden and Milo somehow managed to possess some power to cheer Kaya and Maisie up. They never used to see Cedric on the Hogwarts express much - so not many things here reminded them of him. That probably helped.

She'd hugged her friends tightly when they got off the train, made them promise to meet up over the summer, before separating to go and find her family.

When Kaya had gotten home, she'd sobbed to her parents and explained everything - even though they were fully aware of what had happened. They'd hugged her, tried everything they could to make her feel better - but time would be the true healer, and they knew it.

Alfie stuck by her side almost the entire time. He'd put on her favourite muggle films, listened to her favourite muggle and wizard music with her and even managed to convince her to play a little melody on the guitar she'd learned whilst she was at Hogwarts.

Not long after arriving home, Kaya received a letter from someone who'd never written to her before.

K,

I've kept you in my thoughts. I promise it'll get better, I know you don't believe it, but it will.

You don't have to write back, do whatever you feel comfortable doing. But just know I'm here for you, in person and far away. This feeling won't last forever.

Thinking of you, always

Fred x

How he'd gotten her address, she didn't know, but it was most likely through Jaeden.

That didn't matter, though. Fred was writing to let her know he cared. She'd smiled through tears as she read it, before folding it neatly and slotting it in her draw.

She would write back to him soon, without a doubt. Maybe when it doesn't hurt so bad. But she had to let him know how grateful she was for him.

Fred Weasley was an angel.

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A/N: Whew I don't think I've ever cried writing anything before but this chapter got me quite a few times.

Sorry if this chapter is too long, I have noticed it is a lot longer than usual! I just wrote a bit extra as this is the end of Act 1 and I felt like I had to close it off properly.

Thank you for reading! Act 2 will be published shortly...