A//N: Here's another chapter for 1D_Heartbreak 😂🌚

SATURDAY, MARCH 23
15 days left

We arrive at the zoo after about two hours of driving. The drive wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, everyone was pretty quiet, we spent most of the time listening to Kendall hum along with the radio. Occasionally, Louis would ask her a question and she'd answer him in her animated-Kendall way.
She interrogated Harry and he handled it pretty well. She all but asked him if we were dating and he managed to keep her guessing. Having met his mom, I'd bet he's had a lot of practice at answering rapid-fire questions.
Louis parks the car and the four of us make our way to the entrance. We wait in line to buy tickets. There's an awkward moment when I can tell Louis is considering buying Kendall's ticket for her, but then he'd feel obligated to buy mine, and let's face it: Louis Tomlinson doesn't want to waste his money on me.
Harry shoulders past me and hands the woman working at the counter a wad of cash. "Four student tickets, please."
"Harry," Kendall says in fake outrage. "You don't have to do that."
"Seriously, dude," Louis says. "I can pay for my own ticket. It's no problem."
"Don't worry about it." Harry flashes me a smile. The woman at the counter counts out his change and hands it back to him. I notice that her hands look much older than her face. I look down at my own and don't know if I feel happy or sad that I'll never see them wrinkled.
Once we're inside the zoo, I whisper to Harry, "What was that?"
He shrugs. "You can't take your money with you."
Louis raises his eyebrows when he sees me leaning in to Harry's ear. "I didn't know you were turning our science project into your personal date."
Kendall loops her arm through Louis'. "That's why I came along, Louis, Now, you won't feel so left out."
He pets Kendall's arm as he turns his attention to me. "The zoo was your idea, Taylor. Where should we go?"
"Why don't we go to the nocturnal house? We can photograph the bats. They hang upside down. Potential energy."
"Right. Bats are like living hangmen," Louis says, an edge to his voice. Harry and Kendall give Louis questioning looks, and I do my best to also act confused. Which turns out to be pretty easy since bats are nothing like living hangmen, but now doesn't seem like the appropriate time to push the subject with Louis.
"It's this way," I say, and dart ahead of the group. I basically have the Louisville Zoo memorized. When I was younger, Mom used to take me here on the weekends a lot. She thought it was good for me to have alone time with her. She gave up on that when I was about eight since Kendall was getting older and Rob was a handful of a toddler. She'd never admit it, but she was busy building her new family and happy to leave me to my father. It took him finally snapping for her to really notice me again. And no one wants to be noticed because of something like that; it's like being an invasive species that no one pays any attention to until you've strangled and ruined all the beautiful native plants.

The inside of the nocturnal house is how I remember it. It's dark and smells like rotting fruits and vegetables. I hear Kendall giggling behind me, which must mean the group managed to keep up with my quick pace. I rush past the cages of opossums and raccoons and find the vampire bats. When I reach the exhibit, I see the bats hanging from the ceiling, their black, leathery wings wrapped around their bodies.
Harry comes up behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder. I jump.
"It's just me," he says.
"I know." And that's exactly why I'm skittish. I pull the camera out of the purse.
"Thanks for asking if you could borrow my purse," Kendall says.
"You should really keep your voice down," I say. "You don't want to scare the animals."
Kendall glares at me and she curls her upper lip, her white teeth glinting in the dark room. "That's funny. You telling someone else not to be scary."

"Kendall," Louis hisses at her.
"What?" she says as she tosses her head back. Her barb lingers in the air like smoke from a bonfire.
"Uh," Harry says, shifting his weight from his right foot to his left. "How about we just let Taylor take the photo?"
"Fine," Kendall says. "Let's leave her to it. Wanna go see the armadillos? They're so cute!"
"Sure. Whatever you want," Harry says, and they head down the hall.
I turn the camera on and look through the viewfinder. I snap a few photos and then scroll through the images. "Here," I say, holding the camera out to Louis. "I think this is a good one."
"Yeah, I think Mr. Scott will like it," Louis answers.
Too bad I won't be around to see his reaction. I shove the camera back into my purse. "So should we go meet them by the armadillos?"
"She just wants to be your friend, you know," Louis says.
I close the purse with so much force that I almost break the zipper. "Um. I don't think so."
"Yes, she does. That's why she came today."
"Right."
"It's pretty obvious." I give him a blank stare and he continues, "She's always trying to get your attention, trying to make you laugh. She's not so bad, you know?"
As we walk down the dark hallway in search of the armadillos, I consider what Louis said about Kendall wanting to be my friend. I'm pretty sure it's complete bullshit. Kendall came to try to cozy up to Louis. Dating Louis Tomlinson would skyrocket her social standing: freshman cheerleader dates junior basketball player. It's like an awful teen movie. "I think you're wrong about the reason she came today," I say. "It's not me. It's you."
As we approach the armadillos, I see Kendall and Harry standing right next to each other, pressed up against the glass. They're peering at the animals and laughing like they're old friends.
"I'm not so sure I'm the one she's interested in." Louis gives my shoulder a nudge.
I roll my eyes at him. "She can have Harry." I don't say, But good luck with that because he'll be dead in a few weeks.
Harry grins when he sees us. "Where to next?"
"The lions?" I suggest. "I think they feed them around noon. If we hurry, I can get a shot of them eating."
"I'm really thirsty," Kendall says. She turns to Harry. "Want to go with me to get a lemonade?"
Harry looks at me and I shrug. "You can meet us by the lions." "I'm actually thirsty," Louis says. "I'll go with you."
Kendall slightly frowns. "Oh, okay."
"Then I'll go with Taylor," says Harry, and he walks over to stand beside me. "We'll catch up with you guys soon."
Once Kendall and Louis are gone, I say, "Aw, you missed your chance to make out with Kendall by the concession stand!"
"I thought you promised you were going to stop making stupid jokes."
I give him my you-caught-me face. We leave the nocturnal house and head toward the lions. When we get outside, I notice that the sky has darkened and the sun is hiding behind some scary-looking rain clouds. I tuck my hands into the pockets of my jacket and run my fingers over the fleece lining. "That wasn't a joke. I'm pretty sure she wants to eat your face."

"The two of you are nothing alike. What's up with that?"
I stare straight ahead, not making eye contact with him. "We don't have the same dad."
"Yeah, you said she was your half sister, but still. She's like a lion and you're like . . . an armadillo."
"An armadillo?"
He touches my shoulder. "You know what I'm trying to say."
"My dad." I give him a hard look, hoping he'll drop the subject. "I don't expect you to understand, but he makes all the difference."
We reach the lions. Only three of them are visible, and it doesn't look like they're eating. Damn. We must have missed feeding time. The male lion is lounging on a large rock and the two females are huddled together in the opposite corner of the fenced enclosure. The male lion opens his mouth to yawn and a little kid near us jumps up and down with excitement. Another kid, who's apparently not as brave, tucks himself into his mom. I reach for my camera and wish I'd had it out in time to capture the moment.

"Where's your dad now?" Harry asks.
The answer to Harry's question is state prison. As far as I know, my dad's locked up in some podunk town, miles and miles away from me.
"Away. Gone," I say, and snap a few photos of the lions. Maybe one of them will be usable. "Just drop it, okay?"
Harry reaches his hand out and presses it against the back of my wrist. "I don't understand how someone who's not in your life anymore can make all the difference."
I walk away from his touch, away from the lion enclosure, and take a seat on a bench. Harry follows me. "Look, I'm sorry. I'll let it go."
I drop my elbows to my knees and hunch over. "I know it's hard to understand, but it's true. My dad . . ." I take a breath. "My dad ruined my whole life."
I don't tell Harry that my dad not only ruined my life because of what he did, but also because he made me scared of what I am, what I'm made of.
As I think about this, something inside me shifts. I don't know if it's the black slug sliding around in the base of my stomach or something new, something I didn't even know was there, but I feel it crackle and burst, like a tiny sparkler inside of me.
"I should go visit him," I blurt out before I remember that I shouldn't keep talking about my dad with Harry. That Harry knows James. That Harry would hate me if he knew the truth.
Harry clears his throat. "What?"
I bounce up from the bench. "I've decided I want to see my dad one last time before I die."

Harry doesn't get up. When I bring myself to look at him, he's frowning. "You aren't dying from cancer, Taylor," he says, raising his voice. "You aren't terminally ill."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"We aren't making wish lists. This isn't about doing things we want to do before we die. This is and has always been about dying. Only about dying." He shuffles his feet and wrings his hands. "Are you bailing on me?"
Blood rushes to my face. "I'm not bailing on you. I just need to see him one last time. I want to look him in the eye and . . ."
Harry gets up from the bench. He puts his arm around me, and this time I don't jump at his touch. I lean into his body. "And what? What are you hoping to find? It sounds to me like you are looking for reasons to live."
My throat is tight and all these words line up ready to spill out, but the black slug devours them one by one. "That's not it," I manage to squeak out.
"Then what is it?"
"I just need to see him, Harry. I think if I see him, I'll be able to jump from that cliff. Nothing will be holding me back."
He tilts his head toward the sky. "And right now something is?"
I don't know how to tell him that I'm not sure I can truly destroy my potential energy until I understand the root of it all. And as of a couple of minutes ago, I'm convinced the only way to do that is to see my dad one last time.
Harry lowers his chin to look at me again. "We can go see your father. If this is what you need, I'll help you with it."
Part of me wants to toss my arms around his neck and pull him close, press my face against his chest and thank him, but I know for sure that isn't what he or I signed up for. I wish someone would give my heart a polygraph; it keeps lying and flipping and changing its mind. I can't decide what matters more to me—Harry being there with me to face my father or Harry not discovering the truth.
As I watch him watching me, his green eyes wide and wanting, a slight shiver ripples across my chest. Maybe I'm naive, but I'm starting to think that Harry would understand. That he wouldn't hold me accountable for what my dad did. Maybe I need to give him the chance to prove he really is different from everyone else.
I scan his face, searching for any sign that he already knows. My name isn't mentioned in the internet articles about my dad (believe me, I've checked), but I'm pretty sure a basic Google search would've given him an inkling. But as I stare up at his deep-set eyes, his full lips, his cheeks that are slightly flushed from the sun, I don't find any clues that he knows. All I see is someone who seems to care, and that makes me almost as uneasy as the fact that he could discover everything about my dad at any moment.
Maybe it would be better if I told him, if he heard it from me instead of from someone else. The words form in the base of my throat and I'm about to tell him everything when he stretches his hand out and grabs mine. He squeezes it, massaging my fingers with his. "It's seriously okay, Taylor. I'm sorry I yelled before. We'll go see your dad together, okay?"
"Okay," is the only word I manage to utter. I press my tongue up against the roof of my mouth and make a small promise that I will tell him the truth about my dad. Not today, but sometime soon.
He squeezes my hand again. "So what's next?"
"Wanna go see the polar bears? I should take some pictures of them swimming."
"Sure." He flashes me his half-moon smile. "It'll be nice to see the polar bears one last time. The polar bears were always Jade's favorite."
That's when I wonder if maybe Harry has a list of things he wants to do before he dies, too, and he just doesn't know it yet.
I want to know it.