Barbara didn't get why Neal wasn't answering her calls so she decided to go and visit him to see what was wrong. With the current Joker case, she had been too busy to spare some time out for him but she had begun to notice that he hadn't reached out towards her either.

It was almost as if after the unexpected confession, he had backed off though she didn't know for what reason.

But with the unanswered calls, his disappearance from her life almost as if he was never there in the first place and a week passing without her seeing him even, she felt as if something was dreadfully wrong. And the fact that she didn't know what had gone wrong was bothering her immensely.

Making up her mind to sort it out as soon as possible, she went to Crown Point after the work hours at the GCPD ended. She had been to that street too many times by then such that she knew the paths by heart.

She knocked on the door and stepped back. However, there was no response nor any sound from inside. So she knocked multiple times until the door was reluctantly pushed open.

Barbara caught a glimpse of Neal but before she could step in, he tried to shut the door. The gesture surprised her immensely and she stuck her foot in between, forcing him to back off. "Neal, what the hell?"

"Just go... Leave me be, please."

His tone was broken and exhausted and though he had turned his face away from her, she could still sense that he was going through some distressing situation.

"Neal, what have you done?" She stepped inside and saw that the entire room was a mess, almost as if he had gotten angry or frustrated and wrecked the place. And the fact that he still had his face turned away from her, bothered her a lot.

"None of your business," he replied firmly but his voice was cracking nevertheless.

Green eyes widened in shock, "excuse me? None of my business? In case you forgot, whatever happens to you now directly affects me too."

The words seemed to have sparked up something in him as he turned immediately, catching her by alarm. His face was paler than usual with dark rings round his eyes as if he hadn't slept in days and he looked weakened.

His hands closed on to her arms, frantic ocher piercing through her forest green irises, "and that's exactly what I did not want to happen! But we fucked up... I fucked up..."

"What the hell are you talking about?" She had no idea what had made him snap and his current situation was worrying her a lot, "are you alright?"

"No and neither will you be if you don't let go of me," his frantic eyes were focused on her and the pain in his voice was evident, "just leave me and forget I existed even."

"What?" Her mouth dropped open in surprise not expecting him to say that. But then he seemed extremely out of usual character right then and it unnerved her.

"Trust me it is better for you if you just forget me," his breathing was erratic and it looked as if he was having trouble in speaking even, "I am bad for you, I've told you a thousand times but you never listen... And look now where that has gotten us. But I can't let it continue... Not anymore..."

"Neal," she cupped his face in between her palms but he pulled away instantly, as if scared that he would not have the heart to tell her off if she did that, "we have come so far from that point, why are you bringing it all up again? You are not bad for me, and even if you are I don't care anymore."

He seemed distraught though he didn't let her touch him, backing off for he knew it was taking a lot of will resisting her even then and he did not want to break down just yet, "but I care! I can't see you destroy yourself because of me."

Her patience was wavering seeing him as such, stubbornly sticking to his point though it all seemed absolutely unnecessary to her, "but I have done nothing of that sort!"

"Not yet... But if we resumed like this... I am scared of what could happen."

She looked at him as if he was out of his senses and speaking nonsense, "what drug are you high on?"

"None. I was intoxicated on you though but I don't want to let it continue. Not anymore..."

"What...?" The words sunk in and the color drained from her face, "what did you just say?"

He tore his gaze from her as he let out the words, "you and I... We can't keep whatever is between us. This has to end."

The words hit her like a shocking realization and her lips parted as if to say something to contradict him though her voice seemed to get stuck in her throat. 

"Barbara, I am sorry but I can't... I won't keep up our relationship any longer," his heart was seizing with each painful word he uttered but he had to do that. There was no other way he could protect her from his own self.

"But you said you loved me..." She mumbled at last, her voice faint and face still evident of shock and confusion.

I still do, I never stopped. And that's why I want you to leave me... 

The words resonated in his head but he didn't say out loud. Instead, he spoke, "that doesn't change what I said to you just now. We have to go on our own separate ways. Trust me, it will be better for both of us."

"I don't get it," her eyes connected with his and he could clearly see the confusion and panic she was going through, "what happened to you? Why are you behaving like this?"

It pained him to see her as such but he spoke with a heavy heart, "I woke up from the dream, that's what happened. I woke up and I have to face reality. My reality that does not include you."

His words were harsh and he could see the pain on her face, the heartbreak in her eyes and the shock written clearly across her features. He had always dreaded that moment but there was no escape right then. He had to face it and so did she.

But then gradually, realization dawned upon her features and the pained look faded, replaced by the stiff glare he had not seen in such a long time, "you're breaking up with me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you but it's better for us if..."

However he could not complete the sentence as a slap struck him hard. He braced himself for another blow knowing that he deserved it.

"I hadn't expected you to do this to me," her voice was cold and unfeeling, terrifying him slightly, "but then you're right. Expectations are a key tool in fooling the other person... I understand that now very well."

The words stabbed through his heart, "don't trust anyone, Barbara. Not even me... That's the first thing I told you, didn't I?"

Her green eyes pierced through ocher as she spoke up, "you're taking the wrong decision and I know it..."

"I am not... I have thought this over for a long time. I should have done it earlier though and I am sorry for that... I'm sorry for everything."

It was taking him a lot of strength not to break down just then and to keep his voice steady. She could see that and deep down she knew the real reason Neal was pushing her away wasn't that he didn't love her or was fooling her all along. The pain in his eyes was proof of that.

"Look me in the eyes and say that you don't want to be with me anymore," she demanded, an unfathomable fire raging in those green irises, "look here!"

"No..." He knew he would melt if he complied and then it would be very difficult to push her away.

"Why? Scared that you won't be able to lie or that I would see that you are lying to me right now as well?"

"Barbara, you must leave," he hated himself for doing that but he held the door open, his eyes focused on the ground, "right now."

She looked at him incredulously with her lips pressed together in a tight angered frown, "I don't know why you're doing this but you will regret it."

"If I don't do it, I will regret even more in the future. That is if I even have a future ahead of me..."

She halted, her blood turning cold at those words, "what do you mean?"

But he did not reply and when she didn't move from her spot, he stepped out himself leaving the house, walking down the lonely path out of Crown Point, not even pausing to turn back. He had a feeling that if he stayed any longer, he would collapse.

Her voice reached him, calling out his name and though it threatened to hold his steps down, he willed himself to keep moving as far away from her as possible. It was for her benefit after all, even though she could not see it now, the time wasn't far when she would realize exactly why he had to do that.

Months, weeks or perhaps it was just a matter of days when she would realize that and then only would she be able to see the reasons he hadn't told her himself. 

Though with each step he took, his heart shattered even more, recalling the distress on Barbara's face. He never wanted to break her heart, he never wanted them to come up to that point but what he had done just then had to be done.

There was no other way. So even if it killed him to cause pain to her and break off their relationship, he still had to do it.

***