ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im such a loser

frickin hopeless romantic over here

what is it with me and frickin rude guys

criiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

so ummmm

i don't know if y'all realized or cared but um...I've been kind of inactive lately and here's why

don't worry i'm completely fine...sorta...in some sense...it's nothing serious

im just in meltdown mode and was afraid to be on

but i need some help with some stupid thing and you guys are always there so here  I am :)

So let's start at the beginning, like three weeks ago

March 24th, aka my birthday.

Everything was great, I had seen Hamilton, been to the nutella cafe, seen the bean, laughed at trump tower, watched a movie, the perfect birthday.

But somewhere up in heaven, God was all like "hmmm maybe this day is tooooo gooood. Let's do something that'll mess her up for the next few weeks."

tHANKS GOD!

so...um...

before continuing I want you all to go back and quickly read the medic ball chapter

please

it's very important that you do

you done?

good

So y'all remember Nutella? Well a wee tiny detail I forgot to mention is...

He's my friends crush

since the beginning of the year

Here's the thing

those workouts I go to...he's there

My PE class...he's there

My lunch, other classes and after school workouts...he's there

So I see him more often than I do most my friends, sorta important you remember this

So it's already been established my mind dream crew has a...well mind of it's own. You know with that whole...Cassian ordeal

well...........

I HAD ANOTHER DREAM EXCEPT THIS TIME I ENDED UP KISSING HIM INSTEAD OF CASSIAN AND IT MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE MADE ME REALIZE SOME FEELINGS I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE FOR HIM!!!!

aRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IM SO DONE WITH MY MIND

so yeah

im done with my brain

but oh, it gets worse

i come back from this dream ordeal and CAN REMEMBER THE DREAM PERFECTLY

Every cloud in the sky (7)

The exact shirt he was wearing

The DRESS I was wearing (I NEVER WEAR DRESSES!)

And the exact clothes lemonie was wearing when she flew across the sky on a unibear with mlg glasses

I NEVER REMEMBER DREAMS!

except you know that one time BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT!!

I KISSED ONE OF MY BEST FRIEND'S CRUSH IN A DREAM!!

DREAMS ONLY SHOW YOUR DEEPEST FEARS WANTS AND DESIRES!

sO WHAT IS HAPPENING!

So it gets even worse here

so on the Monday I get BACK from my birthday weekend, he is one of the first people I see for 45 minutes before school. For the morning workouts.

45 minutes of me trying to avoid him

it was terribly hard

then to act natural in PE class was even harder

and to not have anyone to talk to about it was THE WORST because I knew it'd get around to my friend

Over the past two weeks I've been trying to let it fade, thing are okay now. I can talk to him perfectly fine, I don't flip out mentally anymore, and I've been talking to friends that don't go to my school.

But it's hard

Because I'm still not sure if I even like him or not

We spend so much time together in class and outside that I cant be sure.

And I don't want to have a crush, not after what happened last time.

And what about my friend

I honestly don't know

He's such a nice guy though, to everyone. Teachers, family, friends, kids, EVERYONE!

and he's funny, he makes you laugh just by adding some dumb little smirk

and now that I look back, it's hard not to notice the signs from myself.

I keep telling myself he's like your annoying kid brother

but is he?

I HATE ALL OF IT SO MUCH AND WISHED IT'D NEVER HAPPENED!!!

i'm sorry i dumped all this on you but I needed to talk so...thanks for your time

love y'all

- Muffin