Enoy

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I lay in my bed, my heart hurting as the memories of that day replay in my head.

Dr Monroe had left a little after 8 in the night and we'd talk about that day. He took me through it phase by phase trying to show that I'm not responsible for my baby's death.

I'd listen to each of his interpretations and suggestions on how to cope with the fact that what happened happen and how I shouldn't let it dictate my life. I tried I really did but deep down I can't help but feel like I killed my child.

When my dad had suggested I have an abortion I should have fought him, ran away or even report Liam but I couldn't. I was daddy's little girl, I worshipped him and I always tried to please him because he was the only true family I had left.

Or so I thought.

My mom was taken from me and I didn't want to lose my dad. I couldn't it would have broken me. Ironically though it didn't break me he did.

"Sun goes down and we are here together." She sings as she places the cotton sheets over my small chubby body.

"Fireflies glow like a thousand charms." I continue my voice squeaky and high as I reach out my hand to hold her slender fingers.

"Stay with me and you can dream forever." She smiles her hazel eyes wrinkling at the action as she squeezes my short, thick fingers.

"Right here in my arms tonight." I say as I beckon for her to lay beside me. "Can you stay with me until I'm asleep mommy?"

My mother smiles before raising from her seat, she winks with a playful smile and before I know it she pounces on me tickling my tummy.

"Mommy stop!" I giggle as I kick and thrash beneath her wiggling fingers.

She laughs and my heart warms at the look on her face. Mommy had always had a beautiful smile, a smile that made you believe everything could be alright even if it wasn't.

"Okay my firefly," my mom says as she jumps on my bed pulling me to her slender frame.

I rest my head on her soft breasts and wrap my arms around her waist. Her arms cradle me and I pop my chin on her breast as I stare into her beautiful eyes.

"You're smaller mommy," I say as I ran my arms along her sides. I pull myself up so I'm straddling her tummy and stare. "Why are you getting smaller mommy?"

She looks up at me a little shock before smiling and placing her hands on my waist. "Mommy's just a little tired so she's losing weight."

"Is it because daddy's not feeding you?"

She looks dumbfounded as I say that and a look of pure horror soon takes over her face.

"How – who told you that?" She asks her voice small.

"I couldn't sleep and I was coming to sleep with you guys when I heard shouting. Daddy was saying you're useless so why should he feed or take care of you. Mommy he said you couldn't even do the thing you were made for... What does that mean?" I say as small tears start to stream from my eyes. "Doesn't daddy love you? Why would he say those things?"

She sits up abruptly cradling my body against her torso as I sob against her chest. She rocks me back and forth hushing me as I try to stop the tears.

"Your daddy didn't mean all those things he said firefly. He was just angry, he has been working hard and he gets tired so sometimes he says things he doesn't mean."

"But he hit you mommy," I whimper. "I saw him, he touched you and you didn't like it."

"Christina," my mom says pulling away so she can look into my eyes. "Mommy and Daddy love you okay. We may not always get along but we love our little firefly and we'll always do what best for you."

I look up at her with big hazel eyes and run my hands through her dark hair. "I love you too mommy."

"I love you too Firefly and so does your daddy, okay?"

"Yes mommy," I say as she uses her thumb to dry my wet cheeks.

"Good now let's get you to sleep," Mommy says as she lies down holding me against her chest.

"Will you sing for me mommy?" I ask shyly.

"Of course mi Luciérnaga," she coos and I snuggle against her.

"Sounds of day fade away, stars begin to climb. Melodies fill the breeze, sweeter all the time... My love."

I cry cradling JBear to my chest as I recall that memory. His furry body snuggles against mine.

Barbie, the island princess at age six was one of my all-time favourite movies and Mom, she used to call me her little Firefly because she said my eyes reminded her of their glow. So, the song that Barbie and her mom had sung stuck as our song.

It was a song we both enjoyed and related to. She knew she wouldn't be here with me for long so she tried to be there with me and promised me that even if we are apart she'd be here with me right here in my arms.

"Sun goes down and we are here together. Fireflies glow like a thousand charms." I hiccup as I sing our song. I miss her so much. "Stay with me and you can dream forever. Right here in my arms tonight."

I miss my mom so much. She'd be here to cheer me up and help me through this. She'd be here, she'd love me unlike... Unlike daddy... She promised me that he loves me but I can't see it because he never did... Not once. Not when Mommy was alive, not when I was hospitalized. He didn't give a fuck about me.

"I miss you so much mommy. Please come back, please," I cry as I grip my sheets in anguish.

"Right here in my arms tonight..." She coughs as she finishes our song and I look at her shocked, scared.

"Mom are you okay?" I ask as I run my eyes over her small frame.

"I'm fine Luciérnaga," she says as she brushes off that awful cough like it was nothing.

"Mom you're not fine," I say as I grab her fragile, bony fingers in my own. "Should I go call the nurse?"

"Christina, I'm fine." She looks at me flashing her signature smile and I relax in my chair that's placed beside her hospital bed.

I look at her face and I fight the tears that try to fall onto my cheeks. Her once plump, rosy red cheeks have deflated and paled, her face looks sunken and withered but her eyes, those hazel orbs shine as brightly as before.

My mom was dying, it's obvious. They may not want to admit it but I could see it. She's finding it harder to moves each day, to even eat. The food she eats doesn't digest, her body pumps it back up and she's getting skinner each day.

I run my hand through her hair that's lost its shine and my lips quiver. My mom's fading away, she's going to leave me. Her hand touches my cheek and I flicker my hazel eyes to stare into hers. I see that sympathetic look in her eyes and tears stream down my cheeks as sobs escapes my lips.

"Oh come here Luciérnaga," she coos pulling me to her bony frame. I clutch onto her arms as I bury my head in her chest sobbing. "It's okay, Firefly–"

"No it's not!" I explode as I grab her arms a little tighter. "You're leaving me! You're dying! I'm losing you! I don't want you to die Mommy!"

She cradles my head and I cry out as I cling to her body never wanting to let go. "Please mommy, don't go please. I love you so much! Don't leave me!"

She hushes me as I break down in her arms and my heart rips in two at the thought of never seeing her again.

"Christina, I can't..." My mom starts her voice breaking. "If I could I'd stay but I can't. I'm dying Firefly. You're old enough to understand that now, I can't hide the fact from you anymore. I love you my Firefly and I will always will whether I'm dead or alive. You're my baby, my lifeline Christina and no matter what you'll always have place right here in my arms and that'll never change."

"I don't want you to go!" I protest hating the goodbye speech she's giving me.

"Christina look at me," I defy her request unable to move. I don't want to let go. "Christina look at me please."

Slowly I raise my head and look into her eyes. She smiles and my heart aches at the thought of never seeing her smile again.

"Christina I want you to live your life when I'm gone. Fall in love and all that teenage crap. Don't let my death stop you from experience the world. You're a fantastic girl, you're my girl and I want only the best for you. Promise me you'll live for me, for you."

I look into her eyes and I sob as I see tears falling onto her hollow cheeks.

"Promise me Christina," she whispers.

"I promise," I say as tears stream down my cheeks.

"Good girl," she says using her thumbs to dry my tears. "Now will you sing our song for Mommy one more time?"

I give her a small smile and shuffle next to her on the bed. "Yes Mommy."

I cradle her against me and her head feasts on my chest. She feels so small, so fragile, and weak.

"Sun goes down and we are here together. Fireflies glow like a thousand charms." I pull her closer as sobs leave my trembling lips. "Stay with me and you can dream forever. Right here in my arms tonight."

I look down at her with tears and my heart slows down as I look at her still form. "Mom?"

I hear a dead beat from the machine and my body shakes as I look at her in denial. "Mom wake up."

I shake her but she stays still with a content smile on her face. "Mom?"

I cry out in pain as I stare at her. "Mom! Wake up please!"

The doors to the room opens and voices flood the room but I pay no mind to them as I cry. Strong arms grab me pulling me away from her and I fight their hold.

"Mom! Mommy! Get up! Wake up!"

I scream and ball as I'm pulled away from her body. I'm spun around and I look at my dad's pained expression.

"Let me go!" I yell as I try to pull away. "You killed her! You did this! Let go!"

"Christina stop!"

"No!" I cry as I thrash in his arms. "I want my mommy!"

He locks me in a firm hold and I beat at his chest in pain. "I want my mommy!"

"I want my mommy!" I yell repeatedly my voice getting smaller as I slump in his arms crying. "I want my mommy."

I clamp my eyes close as a familiar pain ripples through me and I shake as sobs escape my mouth.

I missed her so much. I need her right now, to comfort me and tell me it'll be alright. To talk with me and help me... I need her here to be my rock. My shoulder to lean on– The ringing of my phone catches my attention and I grab it before looking at the caller ID.

JBear

I wipe away my tears and calm my painful sobs before answering the phone.

"Good night mi diosa," he says in a husky voice and my heart warms at the sound.

"Good night," I say my voice coming out small and weak.

"Christina are you okay?"

No.

"Yes," I lie as I try to hold back my sobs. "I'm fine."

"Christina please don't lie to me. You're not okay and it's okay to let it out I'm here for you all the way."

At his words I break down and cry, my emotions pouring out with each word.

"I miss her Johnattan," I cry. "I miss my mother so much. She was my rock, my other half. I miss her so damn much."

"It's okay to miss her Christina. You love her and her leaving broke your heart." He sympathizes. "But I'm here for you. Lean on me and I'll keep you upright. Trust me and let me help you."

"She shouldn't have died. She should have stayed with me," I rant, doing just as she suggested. I need him and he's here. "I miss her smile, her eyes and hearing her sing our song. I miss her."

I cry some more and I hear Johnattan on the other side whispering soothing nothings into the phone. He really cares, I can't believe after all this heartache I've finally found someone to stand with me. I'm so thankful. I'm so grateful.

"Why don't you tell me about her?" He asks. "Tell me about your mother, it'll help to get it off your chest."

I smile as he suggests that idea and I whisper a small 'okay' before telling him about my mom. For the next three hours I laugh, I cry and I smile as I recall my mother's life. All the good she did, all the bad she pretended not to be a victim of and all the struggles she went through. Johnattan stayed on the other line listening attentively as I spoke and never once complaining about my endless stories. By the time I'm winded it's after twelve in the morning and my eyes are struggling to stay open.

"Did that help?" He asks through the phone and I can't help but smile.

"A lot, thank you," I say as I snuggle into my bed.

"It's my job Christi, that is, to make you feel better."

"You're doing a wonderful job Mr Blake."

"Why thank you Ms Hase. Now please off to bed it's getting late." Johnattan states as a yawn escapes his lips.

I giggle at the sound before replying. "Aye, aye captain. Good night JBear."

"Good night mi diosa, sleep well," he coos.

"Good night Johnattan."

***

Tomorrow my exams start😂😂

It's 11:17 over here so good night people.

Signing out,

Mama Perv😍😻