Enjoy.

**

"Isabelle?"

I look away from my thorough inspection of my room window at the voice and I sigh. He's here, I've been dreading every minute after I'd called him but I need this. We need this.

"Dr Monroe," I say as I shift my injure leg so I'm sitting to the side of the bed. "Come on in."

His black eyes observe me attentively as he steps into my room.

He's in a white button up dress shirt, black jeans and black gents. His brown locks are longer and like before they still annoyingly fall on his forehead as he moves around.

"Take a seat," I say gesturing to the chair beside my bed.

He chuckles before walking over to the chair and taking a seat. "That's supposed to be my line."

"Well my apologies for stealing your line Dr Monroe but I assure you the job you're needed for will remain the same," I chuckle as I make myself comfortable on the bed.

"That's good to know," is his only reply.

I nod with a timid smile as I mentally prep myself for this heart aching session ahead.

It's been two days since Johnattan left. Yes, he left California and went back to New York. He had received a call the day after our magical night saying he was needed in New York and sadly he had to go back because it's been almost a month since he's left his company to look for me here. He's been keeping track of things over here while he stayed in LA but some things just can't be fixed over the phone.

The day he left he told me he wasn't sure when he'd be back but he told me he'll try to be back soon because he didn't want to spend a day much less a week or more away from me.

When he'd said those words I was on the brink of tears– I'd just gotten him back and now he was going to leave again– and in that moment when he kissed me goodbye, the words I've been wanting to tell him since I'd found out at the hospital were clawing to be let out but I couldn't. I was scared... I was weak.

"What would you like to speak about today Ms Hinds?" Dr Monroe asks as he holds his pen and notepad in his hands ready to evaluate my state of being.

"Hase," I breathe as I look out at the window. I have to get this off my chest. For Johnattan. For my baby. "My name is Christina Isabelle Hase a-and at age 18 I was r-raped and three years later I'm a suffering from that experience."

I pause breathing deeply as I try to calm my aching heart as I look at Dr Monroe. He gestures for me to continue and I gulp calming my nerves as I continue.

"It's weaved its way into the present... I can't be with a guy without wanting to be in control because I fear if I give in they'll just ..." My lips tremble and I swallow a sob as I continue. "They'll just a-abuse me. Blue eyes, the guys I date all have blue eyes like he did and for that reason I feel a need to be in control of them. To take back the control I lost that night when h-he..." Sobs escapes my lips and I cover my mouth as I try to hold back tears.

"Christina," Dr Monroe says after allowing me to a few minutes to calm myself. "I'm going to ask you to do something for me. Can you recall a moment in your past so I'll be better equipped to treat you? It may be too painful to remember but I'm asking you please try."

I dry my tears and I look at his form. He seems a bit tense and his black eyes are sympathetic. I gulp recalling his request and nod in acceptance. "I'll try."

The words he say next leaves me frozen and everything goes numb as my heart thuds in my chest menacingly. My breathing slows down and my mind goes numb.

"Can you tell me about the day you found out you were barren?"

He wants to know about the day I broke, the day I lost everything, the day I lost my baby.

My body's shaking and my mind's wondering into that dark abyss. That dark abyss I try to stay away from. That abyss which holds my past, that reminds me of how weak, pathetic and broken I was– a state I wish never to return to, a loss I can't go through again.

My hand moves my stomach unconsciously as I stare out into space and my mind drifts in and out consciousness.

"Christina."

My baby ... gone.

"Christina?"

Barren, infertile, useless.

"Christina!"

Broken.

I jut as I feel arms shake my body and my eyes are looking into a pair of coal, black ones. Dr Monroe stares at me with concern as my body shakes, his hands grip my arms trying to steady me but my body's shaking uncontrollably.

"Christina, it's okay. It's in the past. You have to get over it. It's an obstacle in your life and the more you cower away from the climb you'll be subjected to its effects."

I look up at him, his words soaking in and I will my body to stop the shaking. A few minutes pass and my body has stopped shaking but my mind is still drifting. I'm scared, that night scarred me, and it took everything from me. My family, my baby and worse of all... me, that happy go lucky girl. I'll never be that Christina again.

"Have you calmed down now?" Dr Monroe asks as he sits on the edge of my bed.

I nod slowly and he sighs in relief. "Christina if this is too much for you we can put it off for another day. I hadn't realized how hard this might be for you and for that I'm sorry. If you don't want to share today we can try again another day."

I listen as he speaks and that scared part of me screams for me to put it off but I won't. As the saying goes, don't put off for tomorrow what can be done today.

I gulp leaning back on my bed frame as the words drift from my lips. This is what I need to do. Get it off my chest.

"I woke up in a hospital room, dazzled and confused. All because of a bad dream but looking back it wasn't a nightmare. It was my reality..."

My lips quivers in fear, my heart galloping in my chest. Tears stream down my cheeks mixing with perspiration as I thrash beneath my capturer.

"Please let go!" I scream but my protests go unanswered as he continues his assaults.

My eyes stare into his blue ones with fear while his held anger and lust. How can it be that this man that I loved, worshipped and praised is the one inflicting these scars?

His words of disgust causes me to cower in shame, his grip of steel on my skin causes me to yelp in pain and those piercing, furious, ice-cold blue eyes extinguish the flame within me.

"You beg me to stop? To release you?" He asks rhetorically in disbelief. "I won't! You hear me, I won't! You are mine. In body and soul! Mine!"

Beep... Beep... Beep.

My eyes flutter open in fright, strands of my brown hair clings to my sweaty forehead and my chest rises and falls as my heart hammers against my rib cage.

The scarce grey room with one dark grey door, a single lounge chair and a few beeping machines tells me that I'm in a hospital. Even if I'd had a doubt or fail to recognize the setting the nurse bursting through the door seconds later confirms that this is indeed a hospital.

Why am I here? How did I get here? All I remember is that I was laying in my bed, a man gave me a pill to numb the pain and telling me to relax. After I was in the appropriate state to start the procedure they commenced.

Pain, that's all I remembered. Pain shooting through me inside out as he performed his job. I remember calling for my father, for help, but none came. Those pills did nothing to relieve my pain, I felt every blow as they rippled through my body.

"Where am I?" I croak out to the petite, brunette nurse.

"St. Charles's Hospital," she replies as she checks my vitals.

"Why am I here? What happened?"

The nurse looks at me with sympathetic black eyes almost like she couldn't find it in herself to reveal the answers to my questions.

"The doctor will be with you in a minute," she says instead, dismissing my question.

"Is there anyone here with me?" I probe, hoping my dad is here waiting on me to awaken.

The nurse shakes her head and her eyes become glossy. "I'll be back."

With that she leaves me alone and fear constricts my heart as my mind runs crazy trying to figure out what's wrong with me.

****

A few minutes afterwards I find myself being wheeled into a small office. A lanky man with black hair sits behind the oval desk staring at me with remorse.

This isn't a typical hospital, it's a private hospital, I deduce. No public hospital would allow a patient into a doctor's office for a "check up".

"Here's Ms Hase," the nurse says before exiting the room.

The man signs, lacing his fingers together. "Hello Ms Hase. I'm Dr Hamilton and might I say–"

"Please get to the point doctor. Don't beat around the bush," I interrupt as I run my fingers over the hand rest of the wheelchair. "What's wrong with me?"

"Right. Ms Hase– may I call you Christina?" I nod. "There is no way to easy way to say this–" he pauses looking at me intensely. "You're Infertile."

Infertile? Infertile...

The word repeats in my head like ripples in water and my body starts shaking.

"H-How?" I ask in shock.

"Well, Christina," he says softly. "When you were admitted your cervix was damaged, bleeding as if it was being carved with a knife. We did the best we could to treat it but it wasn't enough. Judging by the remains in your womb you had an abortion ... didn't you?"

I nod that I remembered, the pain. "I-I was raped. I got pregnant, my father didn't want it to live."

Tears pour down my cheeks as I recall my father's, Matthias, words. Those names he called me, the way he accused me and brushed me off as a disgrace. His words made me feel so filthy that after he scolded me I rubbed my skin red trying to get that filth off my skin. He'd killed me that day he chose to protect Liam rather than his own flesh and blood. His own daughter.

"That abortion was the most gruesome thing I've ever seen and I've seen a lot of gruesome things in my line of work," Dr Hamilton continues. "There was just nothing we could do. I'm so sorry Christina but you can never carry a child again you're –"

He staggers forward as I fall to my knees in defeat. He comes around trying to help me up but I just yelled at him.

I didn't want his help! I didn't want to hear him say he's sorry, it can't help me! It can't make me fertile again and it couldn't bring my baby back.

Shakily, I grab the desk standing on my legs that protest in pain.

"Ms Hase you shouldn't –"

"Leave–" my voice broke. "Leave me alone."

He bows his head. "I'm sorry. We tri–"

"There! You said it! Did those words poof my baby back to me?! Did it fix my infertility?" He casts his eyes down unable to look at me. "I didn't think so."

I stumble away from the desk, sobs vibrating off my chest and tears streaming down my cheeks as I slowly limp out of Dr Hamilton's office.

A woman scarred, ruined and abandoned that's who I am. The father I tried to please took everything from me with one stupid decision. No! It's my fault, I allowed it. I allowed him to kill my baby. I killed my baby.

I stumbled against the wall as the weight of my decision weighs me down. I sit alone crying. No one to comfort me. No one to mourn with me. I am alone with a hole in my heart and blood on my hands.

My baby's blood on my hands.

I grip onto Dr Monroe's shirt as I cry in his arms.

"I killed my baby!" I wail in pain. "I killed my baby. I made him make me! I gave him control and I handed my baby's life on a silver platter to him!"

It was my fault. I was too scared of defying my dad, losing the love I crave from him and at the same time I killed my child. I'm a monster.

"I fear that I'm just going to kill this baby just like I did to the other one," I cried and I feel Dr Monroe stiffen. "That's all I am...I'm a killer."

"You're pregnant?" He asks in disbelief.

"Yes, I am," I cry. "By the grace of god I got another chance but I'll just... I'm a killer. I killed my baby. I'm afraid to tell my baby's dad... I'm pregnant because I'm scared!"

"You're pregnant for John," he clarifies and I nod at the character name I'd made up for Johnattan as I sob into his chest.

"I can't tell him. It's too complicated, I can't look at him without having a panic attack and I'm scared that I'll kill our child just like I allowed it to happen before. I just can't!"

"Christina stop!" Dr Monroe sighs and I flinch. "You didn't kill your baby. You didn't understand, you were blinded by the want to be loved by your dad. You're not to blame. You can't carry that pain with you. You can't carry that blame. The abortionist, your father and Leo are the ones with the most blame. Your father was the one who introduced you to Leo, Leo was the one that raped you. Your father was the one that forced you into an abortion and that abortionist took your baby's life and left you with the aftermath. You're the victim here Christina. Not a murder."

I cling to him as I cry my eyes out. The pain, blame, shame and burden piercing my heart. I think about his words but I can't believe them.

You're not a killer.

He's right I'm not a killer... I'm worse.

I'm a monster that traded my own child's life for a love I'd never receive.

***

Wanted to get one up b4 exams so hope you enjoyed.

Update will be slower for the following weeks.

I have mock exams coming up so I have to prepare.

But I'll try to update when I can.

Love,

Mama Perv😍💓