I run.

I run faster than I've ever ran before.

My flip-flops are slapping the grass,

And for once I don't care

That my feet are getting wet from dew.

All I'm thinking,

Is that I need to get away.

I need to get away,

Before I break down and cry in front of you,

Or before I shout terrible things at you.

My feet propel me to the door,

I automatically stumble inside,

Taking off my flops and starting to cry.

It's never been so raw before.

If I cry,

I usually cry out of frustration;

Frustration at my life and someone in it.

Now,

I'm crying because of sadness.

Pure pain and sadness.

It feels like you stabbed me,

Right where you knew it would hurt the most.

I'm so tired.

Tired of getting back up when I fall down,

Only to have someone slap me down again.

I let myself believe the lies;

I let myself believe that what I was imagining,

Wasn't true.

But it is.

You said it yourself.

You said it to me, straight to my face.

I'd suspected it for a long time,

But hearing it come from your mouth,

Still made me cry.

I'm a disappointment to you.

Well, at least now I know.

At least I know you're disappointed in me.

So I cry,

Alone.

Because it's just what I do.

But when I hear your truck pulling into the drive,

I get up.

I wipe my face and my tears.

I ignore the roiling of my tense stomach,

And I lock my door.

Then I cry some more,

Until you come in.

Then, I talk to my best friend,

And I force myself to stop crying.

I may be a disappointment to you,

But I have to be strong.

I can't cry in front of you,

I never have and I never will.

Because it doesn't make sense,

To cry in front of someone,

When they're the reason for your tears.

So, slowly and painfully,

With a heart that hangs heavy with despair,

I get up.

I put a smile on my face,

And I erase the tear lines.

I stare into the window for a moment,

Readying myself.

Then, I go out.

Smiling like nothing happened.

Smiling like I'm not distraught.

Smiling like you didn't just rip my heart apart.

Smiling like we're a normal family.

Smiling like I'm not about to

go write my sorrows out in a poetry book.

Smiling like you're not the reason

that I lay awake at night, worrying.

Smiling like I know what I'm doing.

Smiling like I haven't just spent close to an hour

crying my eyes out.

I hide behind that smile.

Because it's funny,

How much a little smile,

Can hide.