°•》
"Under the ever-shining moon, there is someone who knows that its light isn't its own... and there is someone who knows about its dark side. And just like the moon doesn't hide in fear, you must keep shining."
《•°

June

I looked back and forth at Jin and my brother, the expression of recognition on their faces hit a string so deep in my heart that disturbed the tranquility of all else inside me. I felt like I couldn't breathe, a startle at their shared smile shook me from the inside and outwards.

This one moment made everything else around it feel fabricated, unruly. How familiar this is and the bluntness of its contrast with everything else surrounding it pulled at my consciousness. 

And I woke up, screaming.

Not again. My hand made it up to my chest that's keeping an erratic heart in place. I'm finally able to breathe and I let my sobs get louder in the dark room, it lasted way too long this time. The similarities to reality feel so threatening. I heave, suddenly so aware of the partial-delusion I was sucked into.

"Jooeun!"

My room's door storms open with a thud against the wall and Changwook comes in. He is beside me and hugging my shaking shoulders before I can look at him, "I had a long dream." I whimper in his chest, the mixed knowledge making it hard for me to think straight, "I don't know how much of it is real and how much of it isn't."

"I will tell you, I will answer all your questions. You're not alone, you're never alone." Changwook pats my back in a haggard manner, just as confused as I am.

Seungho told me the same things in my dream, but Seungho didn't know Jin... it wasn't real. "Is Seungho back from America?" I mumble.

"Yes," Changwook says as he holds my shoulder and pulls my head out of the crook of his neck, "yes, he got back and we picked him up from the airport together. Remember?"

I remember. His hands are rubbing the tears off my cheeks and smoothing down my short hair from roots to ends, my dad wasn't in my dream at all-  "Where is Dad?"

"Dad left for a business trip, he will be back this week. Do you remember?"

I remember. I nod. "My job interview--"

"It's this week as well." He cuts me off, and we nod at each other before he hugs me again. "I'll stay here, you can go back to sleep. I'll be by your side." He lays us down and hugs me close, the loud beats of his heart soon lulled. But mine remain.

It was chopped, some parts so unrealistic but others actually real. And the ones that scared me the most were the altered ones, the people, the concepts, and moments that I completely morphed into untruths.

Like when I got mad at my brothers for hiding things from me, they were trying to figure out how to break out the news of my condition to me. And it was back in America when Changwook traveled all the way there for me and refused to apologize to me for something he couldn't tell me about yet.

And Jin, he was so different.
Everything was so wrong.

The memories and the reasons were so distorted and false, it made me doubt myself so much. The contrast suffocated me.

Was I going to view myself as the victim of every incident of my life when I wasn't?

Was I going to resent those who chose to go out of their way to protect me?

Was I going to blame others for my mistakes? I held onto Changwook's shirt and how real it is, crying quietly so I don't disturb his calm breaths. I'm so scared of how much my illness will change.

》》》

When I wake up, Changwook is no longer there and the sun is intruding my room through my window. My throat feels so dry from the crying, so I cough. Seungho barges into the room at my cough and sits to hold my hands in his.

"June? Are you okay?"

I smile lazily and nod at his worry, "I'm okay. Just a little confused." I tell him, holding his hands back and looking at them. "I was so overwhelmed when I woke up, I was afraid I won't remember like back when..."

"Whatever you are confused about, I'll be here to take care of your doubts okay? Just talk to me." Seungho wasn't different from back at my dream, he was the same. But not the part where he hid my mom's cancer from me, he didn't do that. It was just another way I made his fault possible, but it was mine.

"Back when my mom got sick, I didn't ignore her." I look up at him, on the verge of crying again. The pain is always so fresh. Back when my mom received the diagnosis, she called Seungho to move to LA and break the news to me. And be by my side. It was like she knew this will be my first break, that's why she didn't let anyone know till it was too late.

Will I end up forgetting Jin like I forgot about her sickness because I so desperately wanted to run away from my pain? Was I going to end up being such a coward?

"I know. I know everything. Forgive yourself, please." Seungho was there when I got my acute psychotic break, "you're getting better, as long as you trust us and tell us what's happening I'll make sure you don't lose anything as you did back then."

Seungho was the first to notice the changes, even before I did. He was the first to drag me into a hospital to get a proper diagnosis. He was the first to let me know that I'm going to live through this no matter what.

Seungho was the first to help me realize my mental illness.

He was the reason I realized that...

I'm schizophrenic.

《《《

I'm sorry. I'M SO SORRY.

This is so twisted and this chapter almost made me cry, I was trying my best to empathize with the character and her confusion and I think I got a headache because of it.

Tell me what you think, writing this chapter took A LOT of courage from me.

*note: June's schizophrenia is very mild. It can only get the better of her when she's in a weak mental condition; such as facing a life-changing trauma like losing a parent or assault of any kind... or simply when she's asleep.
Her mind triggers it as a coping mechanism.

13th of the 7th, a 13th that's less special than the one of the 10th and the 6th for reasons we know.

HAPPY BELATED ARMY DAY,
KAYE💜💜💜