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"You can't correct other people's paragraphs, your pen won't write in their books... but why were others able to write the pain and hurt in mine?"
《•°

June

I had another nightmare that woke me up in the middle of the night. It always feels like I'm stuck staring at a screen I can't change, I'm not even given the freedom of feeling the familiarity of the pain each scene brought me when it happened in my reality.

That's what my nightmares are, hollow playbacks. I trace my finger over the rim of my wine glass, I'm left with all the pain and reflection in my wake... it doesn't end when I open my eyes, it only begins.

"That again?" I turn to Changwook who's wearing a robe, his hair wasn't neat but he looked fine. He pours himself a cup of water and grabs another glass to join me. "Those bad dreams again?" He repeats as he pours himself some wine.

Changwook's eyes were tired, he didn't need to sit here with me. But he felt like he should. He makes me feel guilty. "I'm okay." I sigh.

"Which one was it?"

"Would it matter? They don't change, you know them all." I gulp the last of my glass and stare at the stained transparency.

"High school or..."

I firmly land my glass on the table and clear my throat, he smiles at me and mocks a surrender with his hands lifted up. "You're so strong, you're better than any of us, you know that right?"

But Changwook isn't afraid to admit that he may not be the best, even if it's just for the sake of comforting me. That's why he's my big brother, "are we speaking about the same person?"

"June. We are speaking about June who came back, not Jooeun who ran away." He replies and our eyes meet. Is this what I'm trying to do? Am I trying to fix things because I know what it feels like to lose everything? Is this why I came back?

"Oppa... why am I doing this?" I look away, feeling my vision blur.

"Because you're brave, and you'll make things right. Isn't that what your mom wanted?"

And my tears fall out, the trail of the wetness they leave feels too familiar. That's what my mom wanted, that I stop holding a grudge against the wrong person. And that I stop blaming my life on someone else's actions.

She wanted me to take responsibility for my mess, even if I wasn't the one who did it, I let it happen first.

》》》

I lean by the door, watching Jimin holding a camera and putting it too close to a sleeping RM's face. So this is how it looks like?

I keep having too many realization moments with the transition from an ARMY to a BTS Stylist for two weeks now.

I turn around and walk out, failing to hold it in any longer. I giggle and hold my face as I try to fangirl as quietly as possible. "Oh my gosh. I'm so happy." I unlock my phone and check the pictures I downloaded from their last performance. They look so handsome, "I did this makeup." I clear my throat when I notice how I'm talking in a puppy voice and look around.

Clear. I stare at a picture of Jhope, Jin, and Suga together. I zoom in on Jhope first, "were his eyes and smile always so pretty?"

I got to see more of Hoseok on this job, and I'm seeing him in a very different light. Taehyung was saying that he admires him so much, I get how meaningful it is now. I move onto his smile and put my hand against my cheek. "So pretty--"

I turn to the side with the most foolish smile ever and my shoulder hits someone, I jolt back in shock and look back at the picture, then at who I bumped. The faces are identical, and he's shooting the same smile.

I'm very confused about what to focus on, the most embarrassing moment of my life, or the fact that I was just fangirling over my idol and he appeared beside me.

"What were you doing?" Jhope asks, playing dumb and smiling too hard making it not look convincing.

I clear my throat and lock my phone, "me? I wasn't doing anything. Nothing."

"Hmm. I'll pretend like you were admiring my face and not your work, or else your ego may crowd the room." He teases.

Wait what?! "I wasn't praising myself!" I say too quickly and he smiles harder, showing the two dimples at the corners of his mouth. Oh shoot. "Or... I was?"

We both fake laugh together, and he goes back inside. I crumble down to the floor and hold my hair. "No no no, this didn't just happen. It didn't happen." I shake my head to myself and whine.

"Noona?" Taehyung calls for me, "Hyung just came in and he was smiling so hard. What is it, can I know too?" He smiles widely.

I stand back up and brush my hair down, "you're already smiling so hard, aren't you?" I smile back but his face drops and I pat his shoulder before I run to the restroom.

Seriously? Next thing I know, Jin comes out of nowhere. I scoff to myself at this absurdity.

I was almost caught. Or maybe Jhope already knows, was I too obvious? How long was he standing there for?

I mess my hair up and whine again. This is too bad, too sweet. I jump up and down and have another fangirling session in the bathroom. I press my front against the wall and smile as I close my eyes, trying to imitate Jhope's smile. Someone comes out of one of the cubicles and I fix myself in the mirror and run out.

Checking my watch before opening the door to the boy's dressing room, I realize how the show will start very soon and hurry up. I need to fix Namjoon's makeup and hair because he slept after I finished.

Jin appears at the other side of the door and my face bumps into his chest, although I already mocked this happening it still shocked me. He held my forearms with his big hands to steady me, and he looked into my eyes.

He gave himself away, the depth and familiarity in his eyes showed everything.

The memories come to the front of my mind after being put aside for too long, and I remember the flashes of memories before everything went wrong.

《《《

"I just love touching your hair, and touching you."

I eye the hands I don't want near me, but stay put and silent.

》

He walks away and I sink to the floor, sliding against the lockers. I take my sanitizer out of my pocket to clean my hands and tie my hair up in the bun he ruined.

"Are you serious?" Seokjin says, coming out from behind another row of lockers and I turn to him. "Till when will you keep dealing with this shît?"

》》

"Stop following me where he takes me. Don't ever think about interfering. Promise, Seokjin?"

He hesitated for moments then complied, "Promise, Jooeun."

》》》

But he broke his promise.

"I'm sorry. I didn't see you, Jooeun." Seokjin pronounces the truth about how he was faking his oblivion from the start.

And for once, I'm not the one worrying about being exposed.

It's him.

》》》

how was it? Let me know what you think!

And oh gosh, thank you so much for supporting this book I will not disappoint you! I'm reading more books to present this story better! Please check out my other bts fanfic Deviation Records it does have a more intense plot but hopefully, you will enjoy ;) 
Ps. it's the book with the Saturday updates so I'm preparing it's update for today too yay

Please keep supporting and let's have more people join this journey! This book is already at 300 views I can cryyy 💜💜💜.

Most importantly, self-care and self-love at all times, please! You all deserve the best so please continue to smile! The trouble you face now will fade out of your life one day but you are the one who will stay forever, so pay more attention to yourself.

Till next time,
Kaye♡.

20th of the 6th of 2020, the year that needs to end without ending anyone.