Camila Cabello's Point Of View

The big smile on my face couldn't be bigger, maybe it just isn't as big as the feeling present in my chest right now. I feel like I've never stopped loving her, and watching her smile all the time only intensifies that. Looking at her is like seeing the faithful copy of my sister with a touch of Rodrigo. The perfect blend of the two of them.

It's the weekend. Serena came to spend it with me. Nothing could make me happier. I'm loving getting to know her, I mean, again anyways. I feel like I've never forgotten her. The feeling is profound.

I know there's a thing called maternal bond, but is there something like an aunt bond? I feel as if we are connected somehow. It's surreal.

"So you don't remember aunt Lauren?" She asks slowly, analyzing every expression on my face.

We're home alone, and I'm telling her about my amnesia and everything that has happened in the last few days. Lauren took Louis for a stroll, so we still had a few hours to ourselves.

"I do remember her, I just don't remember the moment I fell in love with her."

"It must be hard. You two are one of those couple goals we see on twitter."

"Where?" I ask, not understanding.

Serena lets out a chuckle, bending forward so she can grab her phone from the back pocket of her jean shorts. I raise my eyebrows curiously. I'm still adapting to all these new things on the internet. There are some things I've learned, but there's still so many more.

"Twitter, auntie. It's a social network, people use it for several things besides just meeting new people and following the lives of their favorite celebrities. There's a lot of information here. After I started using twitter, I never read newspapers or watched the news again."

"Hm, that sounds interesting. Do I have it on my phone?"

"Yes, auntie. You're addicted to tweeting." She laughs, and I end up laughing with her, even if I don't remember that. But it's the kind of thing I'd do a lot, it seems like a fun thing to do.

"Do I have as many followers as I have on Instagram?"

"Yes. You and aunt Lauren are very loved on social media for being a beautiful couple full of love. And of course, there are the pictures and videos of Louis that makes everyone drool over my cousin."

"It's understandable." I comment in a distracted way. I'm looking through my twitter. It's not hard to learn how to navigate it. I click on my profile and as I slide my finger up, I come across a photo of Lauren and Louis. They are hugging, with him on her lap looking at her. You can see the glow in their eyes even though it's just a picture. The caption reads: 'My whole life'. "People really liked this one." I comment, amazed, after looking at the number of interactions that photo has.

"Yes, they love the Cabello-Jauregui."

I try not to be bothered by that junction of surnames. My niece seems to idolize Lauren with me, and I don't want to hurt her in any way with some stupid comment. To be honest, it sometimes seems that everyone we know simply loves to see us together. It's rather curious. What did we do that was so special to make them all feel like that toward us? I honestly don't know.

But I'm curious to find out, I confess.

"Louis is very photogenic." I'm looking at some photos posted by me on the media section of twitter. There are several of my son. In most of them he is with Lauren doing something, and it seems I really loved to photograph them together. A smile appears on my face upon seeing a particular photo: the three of us sleeping together on our living room couch. I have no idea who took this photo. The caption only has a little face with hearts in its eyes. And once again, a lot of interactions. "They really like the three of us."

"Yes, you and aunt Lauren are like a super lesbian couple. And the three of you are family goals."

"Interesting..."

"It will take some time for you to get used to it. It's not easy to deal with fame." Serena jokes, making me really laugh.

I can see why everyone was saying that we were glued at the hip. She doesn't seem to be her age. I'm proud of the daughter my sister is raising, every little detail makes me feel certain that she'll be a great woman when she grows up.

I'm absolutely sure that my niece will makes us all very proud.

[...]

It was lunch time, and I was finishing cooking the food when the front door opened. Hasty footsteps took over the environment. I looked away from the pots and my eyes shot up to the archway that separates the kitchen from the living room through a hall. Louis appeared through there; his ever-growing-hair swayed as he hopped towards me. I smiled and moved away from the stove to hug him.

"How was the game?" I ask after kissing his forehead, which was damp with sweat. I grimace a little, but I end up laughing.

He walks away from me, heading toward the fridge. He and Lauren had gone out to go to the park near the house, my son had a playdate, where he and his friends played a game of soccer.

"My team won. I scored five goals."

"Oh! Really? Watch out, world, my son is a top scorer. I'm so proud of you."

He flashes a big smile after taking a gulp from his water bottle, which is covered with drawings of Captain America.

"Today he played like a real number 10 shirt." Lauren comments, visibly proud, as she walks into the kitchen. I glance at her, and her hair is a little disheveled, probably because she cheered too much during our son's soccer match. She was dressed casually; thin fabric shorts and a t-shirt with some random drawings. All her curves are highlighted. I swallow hard and look away. "Hey, kiddo."

"Aunt Lauren!" An excited Serena walks towards her, hugging her tight.

I look at that scene, enjoying the broad smile they both have on their faces. There's no way to not find that scene heartwarming. Maybe I'm fascinated by the way Lauren interacts with the kids in the family.

Who would have thought, huh?

"Lunch is ready. Go wash your hands and then come help me set the table."

They nod in synch and leave the kitchen, heading for the bathroom so they can wash their hands. Looking at this scene from a different perspective, it even seems like we are a big family. I didn't think it would be so easy to adapt to this adult life as a wife and mother, but I feel that I'm gradually getting used to it. Of course, being married to Jauregui is a fact that I'll never accept, but the other things lessen that impact.

I know that we have a lot to talk about, dot the i's and cross the t's, and decide our future. I just need to prepare myself mentally for it.

Lunch was fun. More communicative than normal, but still pleasant. It was nice to have another person with us; and that makes me have the slight feeling that perhaps the old Camila might have suggested to Lauren that we should have another kid. It's a momentary thought that scares me, but somehow calms me. I was never the type of person who expected to get married and have lots of kids, to be honest, this whole romance thing always seemed silly to me. But, she managed to change that fact in me.

Even without remembering anything, I feel, deep down, that there's a lot of Lauren Jauregui inside me. And this is pretty scary.

Can you keep up with my conflicts, or am I rambling too much? There are days when not even I can keep up with my mind. I wonder if Dr. Brooke has that ability. Do I leave her confused during our sessions?

"We could do a Just Dance competition, like we always do..." Serena suggests when we get to the living room.

After we finished eating lunch, everyone helped clean everything. It's always nice to have helpful people to clean the mess with you. I sit down on the couch and look at the three of them, who are facing each other. I have no idea what they are talking about, but if it's something fun, I'm in.

"I want to play with Mommy." Louis says quickly, walking over to me and hugging me by the waist. I smile at my little man, ruffling his dark brown hair.

"You're too smart for your own good, mister." Lauren grumbles.

"True. He always chooses aunt Camila because he knows she's great at Just Dance."

"What game is this?"

"I'll show you." Lauren says and goes towards the television mobile. She places a rectangular device that looks like a camera on the mobile and connects it to other things. I just stare at her curiously. I know the game involves a videogame and dance, so I already like it. "It's not rocket science. All you have to do is look at the TV and follow the movements."

"Piece of cake."

"For you, sure." Lauren says and rolls her eyes, and I chuckle. When I turn, I notice the two attentive gazes fixed on our interaction. My cheeks heat up and I can't explain why. I smile at my son and niece, moving away from that woman. "Ready, kids?"

"Yes, captain!" Serena and Louis exclaim together.

That brings me so much joy, and I know that the day will continue to go smoothly.

[...]

The day really went by smoothly, and it honestly couldn't have been better. Our dance competition was wonderful, Serena knows how to move and so does Louis. But I must confess that I was surprised by Lauren's waist moves, she really knows how to move her beautiful body. I know I still don't like her that much, though I put up with her, but I'm not blind, I see her. And my eyes love what they see. Time really does wonderful things to people.

"Everything okay here?" I ask when I walk into Louis' room.

He and Serena are lying on the spacious bed while they watch the Lion King. My niece will keep my son company until he falls asleep. They get along very well.

"Yes, Mommy."

"Don't stay up too late, Lou." I inch closer to the bed, propping up my knee on it for support as I lean over to kiss his cheek. Louis closes his eyes and hugs me by the neck. I smile, and then I circle the bed and do the same to Serena. "After he falls asleep, if you want, you can come lie down with me."

"Aunt Lauren won't sleep with you?" I shake my head, avoiding looking into her curious brown eyes. It will take her a little time to fully understand my situation with her aunt. And it's understandable. Everyone was used to seeing us together. I wonder if we go through with the divorce what will be the reaction of our family. "Okay. When Lou falls asleep, I'll come find you."

I nod my head and, when I reach the bedroom's door, I just look at the two of them, smiling. My heart is happy, just like it has been throughout the whole day.

"Have fun, kiddos." And after I say that, I close the door and go towards my bedroom.

I no longer hear the sound of the TV from the living room. Maybe Lauren went to bed. I extend my arms to stretch myself as I walk slowly into my room, my favorite place in this house. My huge bed awaits me, but first I need to take a shower. Since I know I'm alone, I start to take off my clothes, discarding them on the floor. I can just pick them up later. When I reach the bathroom, wearing only white silk panties, I look at myself through the mirror.

My face definitely changed. My features are stronger, and I no longer have chubby cheeks like I used to. And I definitely look more beautiful. I look a lot like my mother when she was younger, just with different eyes and mouth, since I inherited these features from my father. I delicately trace my face with my fingers, analyzing every part. I'm a woman now. And yet, even as I stand here being able to confirm this, experiencing how everything is different, it feels like I'm the same Camila from adolescence.

Will it take me a lot of time to feel like the new Camila?

"I love your eyes." Suddenly, a voice takes over the bathroom. I'm startled, removing my hands from my face. I look behind me through the mirror. Lauren's there, with her left shoulder resting against the doorframe and her arms crossed. She stares at me without blinking, she seems hypnotized, and I momentarily feel the same way. I swallow the saliva that gathered in my mouth. Her presence makes me nervous. "They are very expressive. They suit you a lot. They look like the sand when the sea washes over it. A unique, mesmerizing brown."

Without being able to maintain our eye contact, I lower my head and stare at the sink. Usually, I'd end up countering with a witty response, but my voice seems to have disappeared. It's this effect that Lauren Jauregui has been causing in my lately: nervousness.

"Hm..." That's all I say. I feel the urge to slap myself, and even more so when I hear her chuckle behind me. Stupid nervousness. I hate her, I should cuss her.

"You don't need to react like this. I've always admired your beauty." Her presence becomes more intense when she approaches me. I hear her footsteps as her feet touch the floor. I let out a small sigh. She stops right next to me. We have a double sink in the bathroom. "After all these years, you still look even more beautiful without makeup."

"I'm old. Full of expression lines."

Lauren laughs, and I look at her blankly.

"You're old? If old ladies looked like this, the nursing homes would be packed with couples. Because no one would resist such a young and beautiful old lady."

For a second, a slight shiver runs up my spine, but I refuse to let my body show any sign. I feel a strange sense of déjà vu with this scene. It feels like this happened sometime before.

And maybe it really happened. After all, I don't remember anything.

"Stop that, you idiot..."

Without being able to control it, I end up cussing her, but unlike the other times, I wasn't rude. And she didn't react the same way, she just flashed a broad smile and turned her eyes forward. I was confused, but I didn't question her. I looked forward too, I don't know what kind of tension is this that we're creating, but I'm not liking the way she's making me feel. Distracted and trying to ignore the presence of that woman next to me, I try to focus on something else. And that's when I finally realize something important that makes my eyes widen and makes me feel extremely embarrassed.

I cover my breasts in reflex. I can't believe that for the past few minutes I was half-naked in front of her. Jesus, Camila! This is so embarrassing!

"You don't need to cover them. I've seen them before, you know?" She finishes brushing her teeth and comments. If it were possible, I'd be even redder than I already am right now. "And for the record, they still look as wonderful as before."

My mouth falls open in shock, mostly because I glimpse a mischievous smile on her lips. Lauren exits the bathroom tranquilly as if nothing had happened. And I stand there, paralyzed.

What the fuck just happened here? And why am I so nervous?

----- November 14th, 2016 (Monday) -----

The weekend went by flying. It was the best I've had since the damn day I woke up memoryless. It was great to spend time with my niece, we had a lot of fun. But since all good things come to an end, I knew that I eventually would have to face one of my biggest fears: the medical results. I was never the fearful type or extremely worried about that, but nothing seemed as terrifying as that right now. Lauren woke up very early and woke me up too, she didn't stop not even for a second. It looks even like she's plugged in the wall outlet.

Between the two of us, it looks like it's her who's going to explode at any moment.

"I'm ready, mommies." Louis appears again in the kitchen. He smells really good and he's all dressed up for school. We're going to drop him off at school on the way to the hospital.

Lauren doesn't say anything, just grabs her keys from the counter and straightens her jacket. I grab my own and put it on. I know it's very cold outside; the weather today is quite gray. I hold my son's hand and we walk together towards the front door.

The drive to Louis' school was as usual; with him talking nonstop. Lauren, on the other hand, was too quiet this time. She looked different this morning; tense and sad. I don't know her very well, but I can tell when someone is not on one of their best days. I understand her, today is an important day for our lives. Our future depends on those results and on the doctor's diagnosis.

"Pay attention in class and take care." Lauren says before Louis gets out of the car, and he nods his head and releases his seatbelt, slipping between the two seats to kiss our cheeks.

"Take care, Lou."

"Bye, mommies." He says goodbye, and then he gets out of the car and waves one last time before heading for the school gate.

We wait until he's inside and safe just to make sure that everything's alright. We're always seeing on the news stories about kids going missing. We can never be too careful, right?

Lauren starts the car again and drives off. Suddenly, the atmosphere that seemed lighter is very heavy again. She looks so tense beside me. She's tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, taking deep breaths several times in a row. She's also making weird sounds with her mouth. Clear signs of her nervousness.

I feel like starting a conversation, but I remain silent.

Should I start a conversation?

Well, better not.

Maybe she wants to just be quiet.

Yes, Camila, but she's never quiet and in silence. Talk to her.

No, I won't.

Yes, you will.

Dammit!

"Are you okay?"

She seems to be startled by my sudden question. I keep looking at her. Lauren looks away from the road to look at me, she looks surprised.

"Uh, yes... I think so. Yes, I'm fine."

"You don't need to be so nervous..."

"I know, but it's just that... dammit. It's hard, you know?" I nod my head. Lauren is looking forward again. She still looks tense. "I'm sorry. You must be nervous too and, here I am, only thinking about myself..."

"Relax." By reflex, I put my left hand on her thigh. The rough jeans of her pants tickle. I lightly squeeze her leg, trying to comfort her somehow. "It's fine."

"Everything's not fine, but I wish it was."

Her words hit me instantly. As a reflex, I take my hand off her leg and shrink away a little. It's as if her words were like gunshots that hit me right in the heart. I can't help it, something about her frightens me. Seeing her so affected like this affects me too. For some reason, even without my memory, I feel connected to Jauregui.

Can the world be more bizarre?

Seeing my parents as soon as we got to the hospital was the best thing about my day so far. Everything felt strange, but I felt better when I saw them. I ran over to my dad; I didn't even care if I looked like a kid right now. I just wanted to be in their arms, for them to tell me that everything would be okay. Even though we all knew that nothing was fine, just like Lauren said before.

"You're shaking, mija." My dad whispers, tightening his arms around me. I hide my face in his chest and cling to him. "Are you okay?"

"No." I sigh as I pull away from him. My dad flashes a small, motivating smile at me, stroking my face with his fingers. I close my eyes to better enjoy his touch. It's like a natural tranquilizer. "Shall we go?"

I look at my mother and hug her. They greet Lauren before we start walking towards the hospital. My hands are sweating. I feel my heart beating in my ears. I know that I should try to stay calm, but I think that that is impossible at the moment. I'm about to know my chances of getting my memory back.

What if that never happens and I stay like this forever?

[...]

The doctor greeted us, friendly as always, guiding us into his office. It was cold in there and I hugged myself in pure reflex. Maybe it was my nervousness that was causing such a reaction as well. I felt much more sensitive than usual.

I look around briefly. I hadn't noticed anything in here the first time I was in this place. It looks like a normal office, scary like all the others. And this one is even more so.

"How are you all with all this?"

"Trying to adapt." My dad is the first to answer. I just sigh.

"I haven't been able to get used to it, this all feels like an endless nightmare." Lauren answers this time.

I look at her and nod in agreement, turning my eyes to Dr. Charlie. He studies us closely. My heart is still pounding and my hands are still sweating.

"True, it's like an endless nightmare. I can't imagine how Camila is feeling." My dad says.

"It's awful." My mother answers.

"Has your day-to-day routine been tranquil?"

"I haven't been able to get used to it, yet." I confess, having everyone's attention on me. "It's very strange to feel like a teenager and live like an adult woman who has a kid. As much as he is a lovely kid. It's not hard to fall in love with Louis."

I flash a big, genuine smile as I remember my little man. It's true, there is no way to live with him and not fall in love. He can captivate people very easily. It's easy to love him.

"Are you and your wife getting along?" His question makes me swallow hard the saliva in my mouth. Lauren shifts next to me, she looks as uncomfortable as me. "I think this silence is pretty explanatory, but I believe things will get better and that you two will find a solution."

I feel like answering him and saying 'no'. Say that I want nothing to do with her, but I opt to stay silent. My parents ask the doctor questions. Lauren and I remain quiet, both of us lost in our own thoughts.

"Can we talk about my exams now? I'm really anxious."

"Oh, but of course." Dr. Charlie smiles at me before picking up some papers that were on his desk. He analyzes them quickly. Everything seems too quiet around us. "I must confess that I was very shocked by the results of your exams."

"What do you mean?!" I exclaim, gripping the edges of the chair and leaning forward. It was just what I needed, to find out now that I have something serious and that's why I'm memoryless.

"They are all normal."

"What?!" We all ask practically at the same time.

I really didn't expect to hear that. And I don't know if I feel relieved or even more scared.

"You haven't suffered any physical trauma, Camila. It's a really rare case."

"Then why did she forget everything?"

"Lauren, I'll try to be as simple as possible. Camila's case is something rare, never seen before by me. Her amnesia wasn't caused by a blow to the head or a disease, she simply suffered a shock that may have been caused by too much stress and her brain rebooted."

"What do you mean, my daughter's brain rebooted?"

"Mr. Alejandro, your daughter suffered some kind of shock and the consequence was that her brain shut off and erased half of her life."

My mouth falls open in shock. Confused and disorientated, I repeat in my mind the doctor's explanation, but even after long seconds, I can't quite understand what happened. Air escapes my lungs, suddenly an absurd fear of what might happen begins to grow in me. My parents and Lauren seem desperate to know more about everything.

I'm just shocked.

"Am I going to get my memory back?" My question makes everyone fall silent.

I'm shaking. Head down and heart pounding. It feels as if at any moment I'll explode. I feel like crying as I imagine never remembering the important moments that happened during the last sixteen years. This is terrifying.

"Camila, your case is very rare..."

"Am I going to get my memory back or not?" I ask again, lifting my head to face him, and Dr. Charlie sighs, lowering his head to read the papers in his hands again.

"I can't assure you that you'll recover your memory, at least not fully."

"Oh my god..."

"Don't panic, there's a chance you can get it back."

I shake my head. I'm desperate right now. With my hands clutching my hair and my elbows propped up on the desk and my gaze locked on nothing, I try to seek some positivity somehow, but I can only imagine the worst. I'll never remember any important date.

Sixteen years lost just like this for no reason. How did this happen?

"How can she try to recover her memory?"

"There are some treatments that can help her. Camila must continue with her sessions with her psychologist, get checked out frequently and live her life as normal as possible. Photos, videos and notes can help a lot."

"Is there a possibility of her never remembering anything?" Lauren asks, making me pay attention to the conversation again.

"Yes."

"Are the chances of me not remembering anything high?

"Yes."

"How high?"

Dr. Charlie lets out a long sigh before leaning over the desk, his elbows propped up on it just like me. He runs his fingers through his perfectly combed hair. He looks just as nervous as us.

"In a hypothetical situation, I'd say that the chances of you being able to fully recover your memory are only of twenty percent."

And the small flame of hope that was growing inside me goes out. It was like being sucker-punched in the stomach, hard. I can remember everything, or just some things. Worst case scenario, I won't remember anything. Why did this happen precisely to me? What did I do to deserve this?

I won't remember any important date. Any event. How I got to where I am. The moment when everything changed.

A loud cry beside me makes me return to reality in a matter of seconds. Lauren is leaning over the desk, crying as if it's the last time she could do that. I never saw her this way, and seeing her like this causes my heart to break inside me. It's an agonizing sensation. It feels like my pain is nothing compared to hers right now.

I put my hand on her thigh and squeeze the same way I did before, as if we were still in the car. This time, she places her hand over mine and squeezes hard. I don't care that I can feel pain, I let her do it. Right now, I just want to calm her down. And this feels so natural, I don't even freak out when I realize that I'm being empathetic with Lauren Jauregui.

Seeing her cry her heart out bothers me a lot. I close my eyes so as to not see her so broken like this. My heart hurts and I feel like hugging her tightly, but I remain just as I am, holding her hand, giving her comfort. At the moment that's all I can do for her and for both of us.

She truly loves me. I feel that even more now. I see Lauren suffering like hell because of me, and now, knowing that I may never remember loving her, her suffering shows me even more how much she loves me.

So, for the first time in many days, I wish I could remember everything, literally. Exactly how it happened.

I wish I could remember her. I wish I could remember us.

-----

Special scene – Past – Camila Cabello

Lauren Jauregui is surreal.

There is no one I like more in the world than her.

It's ironic, isn't it? And cliché... I hated her, but now I'm hopelessly in love with her.

Ever since our first kiss everything has changed. It was as if she had been reborn to me. I got to know parts of Lauren that I had never seen before. To be honest, maybe I've never really looked at her. But now, all I can think about is how good I feel by her side and how my heart races every time I see her smile.

Being in love is a strange thing, isn't it? You can't help but smile. The nervousness you feel when you're around that person never seems to end. And when you're not near her, it feels as if a piece of you is missing. I'd say that falling in love with someone is like touching the sky without taking your feet off the ground.

Or rather, being in love with someone... It can't be explained, you just feel.

"A kiss for your thoughts."

And then, the one who takes over my thoughts on a daily basis, comes up behind me, putting her protective arms around my waist. I flash a broad smile and close my eyes, snuggling into her.

"I was thinking of you."

"Really?! Lucky me." Lauren turns me to face her. I put my arms around her neck and press our bodies together. We're in our little corner, in our treehouse in her grandparents' place. We always run here when we want to be alone. "You're beautiful."

"Lauren... Stop that." I grumble.

My face starts to heat up and I'm sure my cheeks are flushed. She laughs, ignoring my shyness. I roll my eyes and try to push her away, but her arms stop me.

"It's not my fault. I can't help but compliment you."

"You know it makes me all awkward."

"It shouldn't. I'm just being honest."

Lauren leads us to the fluffy rug that is lying in the middle of the treehouse. She sits down and I sit on her lap, facing her, with my legs beside her thick thighs.

"You took your time. I was worried."

"I had some problems with Sky."

"I hate that noisy motorcycle of yours."

"But you love riding her with me. Especially because you can cling to me as much as you want."

She leans forward and starts kissing my neck slowly. I close my eyes and giggle. It tickles, but it also makes me nervous.

"True." I open my eyes and look towards the piece of glass on the ceiling. Lauren built it into the treehouse so that we could watch the stars. And the night is beautiful today. "Look, baby, a shooting star. Make a wish."

I look at Lauren who has her eyes closed. She stays like this for a few seconds, and when she looks at me, it feels like I'm being sucked into the green expanse in front of me.

"I did. Make yours."

"Hm..." I do a thoughtful pose and my mind creates several wishes. None of them seem to be enough. I look back at Lauren and my chest fills with affection. An absurd urge to kiss her overtakes me and, without being able to control myself, I hold her head with both hands and seal our lips. She smiles through the kiss, but our contact is never broken. My body reacts to her touches. I simply love kissing her. "Done."

I stop kissing her and pull back a little. Lauren takes a few seconds to open her eyes and look at me.

"Your wish was to kiss me?" I smile, shaking my head. "What did you wish for?"

"I wished to spend the rest of my life with you. That was my wish."

And she kissed me again. And I knew that I could spend the rest of my life kissing her mouth, by her side for all eternity.