Hey this is just a heads up if you care.

I probably won't be posting that much art for a bit. I missed school today and things are a bit out of whack right now. (By things I mean me)

But I'll probably be reading more and looking at more art and stuff.

I don't know.

This could change, I'm just guessing that's what it'll be like for a bit.

I have almost no motivation and I'm feeling kinda down so... I don't know what to draw in the first place.

This is gonna put art trades and stuff behind again. I'm so sorry guys. I'll do them when I have time I swear.

Thanks for reading.

Bye for now.
~Mack

I feel like I need to explain what's happening.

Please skip this if you don't want to deal with my stupid drama. Honestly you should probably skip it.

Yes this is a rant/vent.

Yes it gets sad and pathetic.

I missed school today because I was scared. I had a bit of an issue with anemia yesterday and today and was really dizzy.

Being dizzy is one of my worst fears, no joke. Whenever things spin even a bit, my body has this immediate reaction to think I'm dying. It's a completely unfounded fear, and pretty stupid, but I can't help it.

And most of all, I don't want to pass out at school. It almost happened earlier and I ended up in the bathroom crying about it halfway through the school day. I don't want to deal with that.

I guess anxiety doesn't help either.

So I missed school. I missed three tests.

I spent the whole day at home, five of those hours crying, the rest of them sleeping, and now, with me ignoring my homework because I don't want to think about it.

And none of my friends even asked where I was. I always try to ask them when they don't show up. Because I worry and care about them.

But I'm really not that good of a friend. I realized that today. I don't make an effort to hang out with them outside of school. I don't really do anything for them.

So I can't blame them for not being there. I'm being selfish and expect too much from them.

I don't talk to anyone much. My friends, my family, I barely express myself to anyone. Except here. Because here it isn't personal. You guys can judge me and yeah that's no fun — but if I tell irl people stuff and they judge me for it, it's a lot more personal, and painful.

And that just puts more dents in any relationships.

I don't even think most of my friends care that we're friends. I could leave their lives and they couldn't care less. How is that fair when I care so much about them?

At least one of them cares about me. Why is she so nice I don't deserve it. Heck she's the best.

I distance myself from people so much. Because I'm scared they won't like me. Everyone thinks I'm such a good person and they at least kinda respect me, I don't want to ruin that.

So I tell people here stuff and rant here so I feel safer out there.

And I'm doing it again.

Why can't I just grow up and accept that not everyone needs to like me. I need to stop being so selfish. I need to stop being so scared.

But I'm only a year and a half away from graduating high school and I'm not ready for that. I can't even drive, because I'm too scared to. Why am I so scared of everything? I hate being this way.

I hate being so scared. I hate my poor body image. I hate how dependent I am. I hate how sad I am. I hate my poor self esteem. I hate how insecure I am about my art. I hate how I hate all these things about myself.

I'm so ridiculous.

I can't do anything because I'm scared of everything. I'm not brave or compassionate, I'm selfish and terrified of my own shadow.

Everything about my life seems so perfect. Except for me.

And I really want to stop being like this. Honestly I probably need help.

So that's why I'm taking a break from posting art.

I'm going to focus on... my life I guess. I doubt it will work. I'll just come back even more anxious, even more worried about the world. But hey there's only one way to find out, right?

Wish me luck.

Let's see how long it lasts.