(Chapter not spellchecked, sorry for any mistakes)

Hey everyone, just need to say a few things real quick. (Haha, it turned into a rant. Nothing in this chapter is gonna be real quick.)

I'm going to be taking a break from Wattpad for a while. It shouldn't be too long, so don't worry.

It's just that there's been some drama kinda in my family about some of the stuff I said in my about/bio thing here. I'd like to say it isn't my fault but they'll probably be disappointed in me anyways.

The issue is, I listed myself as agnostic and demisexual.

My entire family is very religious, so when they read that no one was very happy.

And since I know they read my stuff here, I'd like to say sorry.

If you're a relative of mine and reading this I ask you to please read all of it. It's important to me. Thank you.
(Even though if you are family, I'm currently scared out of my wits for anything you might say. Please don't judge me too harshly.)

I shouldn't have told you. I should have kept lying about who I was so you could have a good opinion of me, even if it made me feel incredibly awkward whenever someone just assumed something about me dealing with those two topics.

I'm not trying to be rude, it's just, I'm completely entitled to have my own opinions, my own feelings, and my own outlook on life. I'm not a little kid anymore, and I know I don't know everything, and I know I'm not always right, but if I've learned anything from school it's the rights listed in the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution and how I'm entitled to them same as everyone else.

Just because I'm agnostic doesn't mean I look down on religion. I think it's a wonderful thing that can do wonderful things, it's just that I personally don't fully believe any of it.

I'm a scientist, and so that causes some real issues for me in explaining any sort of religion. It's not that I struggle with it, I don't like it when people think I struggle with faith, because I don't. I don't feel cheated out of an opportunity to have a strong faith either. I just simply do not think there is reason to be able to prove or deny any of it.

I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I don't want to offend anyone, and I'm horribly sorry if I do.

What I'm mean to say is: religion has never really done anything for me.
Do you know how much, as a little kid, I would pray for my mom to get better? Just a bit better? Every single night. Sometimes more. I did it for years. And she never got better. She felt worse if anything else. It isn't any better now.

I'm not trying to disclose personal information about my mom on the internet, I didn't name her or all the things she had to go through, and I won't, because I don't want to hurt her more because of all this.

And as a kid, after all that asking for something to help her, and nothing happened? Do you think that made me feel good? No. It didn't. I started to just not care about it because it wasn't doing anything. I was just helping myself by convincing myself something good would happen when nothing good happened.

So this all started about when I was ten or so. Sorry to burst your bubble, family members, but I've been agnostic for nearly seven years now. No one even noticed. I don't blame you, I'm not mad, and I hope you aren't upset with me.

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. My mom said she felt like she failed me. But she wasn't the one who failed, was she?

And now I need to address the second issue.

Hello, I'm demisexual.

You heard me alright. Demisexuality is pretty much a toned down version of asexuality.

And if you don't know what that is, just go look it up or something. Because quite frankly, I'm 670 words into this message and getting very tired of explaining stuff.

People say this is private information. I shouldn't share that I'm demisexual because I could be judged for it. Well, the people who are saying that, who are asking me to take that statement down, are already doing enough judging. I think I can take it from strangers too. It's less painful.

Ignore how some of my sentences are spiteful or seem mean. These topics are really bothering me, I feel strongly about them, and I want people to actually listen to me for once in my life instead of riding off half my words as nervous stuttering.

Now back to the fact of being demisexual a private matter.

I don't run around boasting about the new date I got or posting pictures of my new boyfriend, unlike some "normal" people at my school.

Because if it's a boyfriend/girlfriend couple, no one questions it. Not ones tells them to be private about their relationship. If anything, people are happy to hear about how they're doing. Because they're "normal" and their "straight" and their "perfect for each other."

But if I say I'm demisexual, I better get my act back together and hide it from everyone because who knows what could happen.

It seems odd to my that my very morally guided, religious, good family, would be judging me when the scary scary internet has accepted the demisexual and agnostic facts perfectly fine.

Now I'm not exactly sure what any of our extended family said to my parents, but I can guess well enough. But hey, family members, if I'm wrong, feel free to express your thoughts in the comments.
I'll take kind to mean comments, because I welcome all opinions.

This issue is partly my fault, I know that.

I could have kept this secret all together. But the thing is, if I hadn't posted it on Wattpad, no one would have ever learned those things about me. I would be awkward in situations dealing with them and I would have bottled it all up.

Now that family knows, I hope they can accept it. And accept it without trying to change me.

I was just so scared to tell anyone.

My family means so much too me. They support me through everything, I don't think I deserve it. I don't know how that's changed now, with what they know now. It's just so painful to imagine a world without any of them.

Like I would easily give up all this internet and social media to post my art because everyone in my family has been so supportive of it. I wouldn't be anywhere without them.

It's because of my Aunt that I write, because of my grandparents that I draw, everyone there has inspired me so much. I didn't want to tell them about this demisexual or agnostic stuff because I didn't want to ruin how they looked at me. And I just now realized that's why I never said anything. I was scared of what they would say. I was selfish. What's new?

I guess I thought people would be more like me. I see people talking about having different religions, different sexualities, different opinions, and I admire them. Because they're different and they aren't scared. I thought people were like me, they saw that stuff and just accepted it. Which is stupid because I've always known that wasn't how it worked.

I'd also like to say, while my opinions here may offend people, while they may make people dislike me or judge me, I'm holding to what I say. I have my own opinions, I'm entitled to them, and I'm going to defend them. If that includes defending my opinions from family, I partly take blame, but I also blame them for not being accepting.

And now.
Because I'm still very mad about all this.
And currently do not care.

When I got picked up from school today, my dad told family had seen the stuff in my bio. I realized that they probably disliked me or where confused by it, and I broke down.
I cried from 3:30 to 7:30.
I currently have a headache, my eyes hurt, and they still occasionally leak out a tear with I get these random surges of emotion.
I don't know how school will do tomorrow.
Thank you.

I'm sure my mom feels horrible about all of this. She cares about me but she's also very religious, I can't image what she's going through.

And if my dad reads this, I can't thank you enough right now. You're so supportive and I don't know what I would do without you.

For any other family reading this, please do not tell my grandparents about these opinions. I don't want to hurt their feeling like that. If you do tell them, at least wait a while. Please. I'm begging you.

Now, the two topics mentioned could change with time, so don't think any of my opinions here are set in stone.

And if you're wondering why I'm writing all of this publicly, and not personally saying stuff to family, it's because I learned what is and what isn't acceptable to write about publicly and I'm still covered by that good ol' first amendment, please and thank you.
I'm definitely pushing boundaries writing all of this, I know, and I know a lot of family is not happy with this, but I feel like I needed to respond to everything going on.

I'd be happy to answer any questions that anyone has regarding any of this, so please ask away. I'd rather answer difficult questions and get this all cleared up then have to deal with people confused about something I said.

Remember, I'm talking a break from Wattpad for a while so I can get away from all this. (Even though Wattpad is where I usually go to do that but oh welllll.)

Toodles!
~Mack

(HOLY TRIANGLES. 1,710 WORDS TOTAL FOR ALL OF THIS. I COULDVE WRITTEN A CHAPTER IN A STORY AND THIS ONLY TOOK ME LIKE FOURTY MINUTES)