After I have realised this overthinking is only me being bored with myself, my focus on work skyrocketed. I got the idea for some improvements, gathered a team that has great potential for working on this, and there was no need to even give them instructions.

Suffice to say that today's day has gone very well, and it only took a bit of logical, rational thinking. How did I not think of it before beats me. I know how I function, but despite that and despite my experience, being it physical or emotional, I didn't think that all of that, about Annabelle, is not the feeling.

It's not comparable to feelings I felt after Patty and I broke up. All the guilt, the loneliness, the anxiety of both moving on and not moving on, the feeling of betrayal, the feeling of aching heart that would feel better if it were stabbed with real knives. That cannot compare to me slightly obsessing over Annabelle and what she's doing with her life.

I don't know how I haven't made that connection before. It's so obvious when I think about it now. Probably because I wasn't thinking rationally, but only focused on feelings I thought I was experiencing.

Wow... Imaginary feelings... That's a new one even for me.

At least I did figure it out. Now my life returned to normal! I am back to feeling like I used to, which is really damn relieving. I like being like this, being the master of my own fate and future, and not a slave to imaginary pain with no ground to stand on.

Well, my life is back on track now!

I return home more confident than when I have left. I doubt that I will have any type of reaction when I see her today. Now that my feelings are explained and dealt with, being around Annabelle won't be torturous anymore.

I walk in my apartment with confidence pumped up to the sky, so basically as it should be. I have every reason to be confident and comfortable in my own skin.

In the previous days what did half of the torturing for me was simply me knowing I'd have to come home to her. That sounds kind of harsh and kind of wrong. I like coming home and seeing Annabelle, talking to her and things like that. The torture was a simple thought of her banging that dude, but now... Now, I don't care.

Okay, I care a little, but just because she deserves the best and not some average Joe. She is above average and this is what she deserves in return. That is to be dealt with anyway and it's not worth losing my sanity over.

Before I open the door, I stop for a moment and savour a breath that feels easy and not weighed down by anger and uncertainty. I've had a major revelation today, which makes today a very good day!

"Hi, you're home!' Annabelle exclaims before both of my feet cross the threshold.

"Eeememeh!" Devon yells out with a big grin that reveals two small front milk teeth in his mouth.

"Hi..." I say warily because half of the confidence I've felt throughout the day has evaporated.

She peeks at me from the kitchen and that's when I get physically sick. "Oh... Has something happened? You don't sound okay..."

I slam the door like I'm ready to kill her. "I'm fantastic..." I say grimly, irritated by what is happening within me again.

At first she regards me carefully like she's scared of me. Well, she should be. I know that I am. "What happened?"

"Life." I don't know!

"Well," she starts and follows me around when I take off my jacket and throw it somewhere, and when I'm just trying to escape from her.

As I try to dodge and avoid her unsuccessfully, I notice that my apartment is a freaking nightmare as a battleground. She can come after me from whichever side she wants, and I hate it, I dread it, and it's making me go insane!

"I have something that will cheer you up!" She exclaims so happily I feel irritation and annoyance tingling in my throat.

Bet it's about another date she's gonna go on with Dominico. Obviously that would fucking cheer me up.

"No, you don't."

Annabelle pouts at that, but otherwise, she doesn't let me disturb her in her crusade of joy and rainbows. She leaps at me and grabs onto my biceps like a damn koala, which worsens my nausea. My stomach does that one slow flip in one direction that is worse than if it took twenty of quick ones.

"Oh, but I think I do!" She squeals again as she leans her head on my shoulder.

Leave me alone, woman!

I need to escape... I can't escape my feelings, but I can escape from her!

"Bathroom! I need to go to the bathroom!"

"What?" She tries to keep her hold on my biceps firm and I have to say she sure if strong for a woman that doesn't really look muscular. "Nathan, just wait!"

I tear my arm from her grip, which liberates the punch-in-the-gut tension in my stomach, and victoriously reach the bathroom, my fortress of solitude in this grave hour.

I may have walked to the bathroom standing upright, but once I close the door I tackle the sink and stagger down to my knees.

What the hell is wrong with me! I barely pull myself together and when I look in the mirror I mouth at my reflection "What the fuck, Nathan!"

I am fine! I've been fine this entire day! I don't know what's happening! This is completely uncalled for! I have solved the damn problem hours ago!

I breathe heavily because for some damn reason I am apparently dying! No, dying would be fucking mercy right now. If only a bolt of lightning could strike me and wipe me off Earth. I stagger to the shower and turn it just to produce noise that could cover my tell-tale breathing. I'm an American, I waste whatever I can very excessively.

Annabelle knocks on the door and I throw myself at it just to lock it in time, right after I'm done having a heart attack.  "Nathan? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great! What's up!"

What's up? Did I just ask her what the fuck is up?!

"Nathan," she says grimly and I feel like I'm being scolded for accidentally setting the rug on fire.

I can't deal with her and myself at the same time! I need her to go away! Up until I came home, the world was fucking terrific. This is some bullshit going on right now!

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

Her words barely reach me. It's like I hear a muffled echo and I'm supposed to distinguish between the words. I somehow succeed at that, but I can hardly understand the meaning.

Okay, okay! Rational approach! Why this is happening must have a reason behind it, easily explainable reason! Feelings don't work like rationality, I know that more than anyone. I can only wish those two worked the same way, all the unnecessary suffering gone once you make a decision. However, that's not the case here, so...

The biggest problem with any kind of feelings is that they are nasty little fuckers, they don't go away just like that. Feelings are a process, I just need to process this and all will be fine. Feelings wear out and hearts heat off. I just need to act normal and push through. It'll be like nothing happened and all will be fine!

"Nothing is wrong," I say out loud so she can hear me as I'm sliding down to the ground against the door.

"Right, because this is how you normally behave."

Well, how do you normally behave when you have these feelings!

I'd say my reaction is both normal and pretty damn accurate!

I just gotta stay normal. That's all. But I need her to go away because I can't talk to her, look at her or even touch her without having a series of painful spasms in my body.

"I'm going to take a shower, how more normal can one get?" Why is there a heartbeat in every limb and corner of my body, and why does it irritate everything, and engulf me with every beat?

I hear her sigh, and in my imagination I see her sliding down to the ground, waiting and trying to talk to me like Anna did with Elsa. You really know you've hit rock bottom when the only reference you can make to describe your life is that of freaking Frozen.

I have become everything I fight against...

"We can talk about anything, alright? I can stay here with you "

Just go already, damn!

"Nothing to talk about. I'm fine, you don't have to worry."

"But I do!"

"Yeah, well, don't. Go on a date or something." Oh, yes, she won't suspect a damn thing.

Silence follows, which makes everything even worse. Not that I just feel the anxiety-fueling heartbeat everywhere, now I can hear it in my ears, and that makes the feelings stronger and all the more real. When did those feelings even happen? They are not even legit!

Fuck me, man...

I have no idea if she's still here or not, and up until now I had no idea one can feel both relief and the weight of the world at the same time. It's paradoxical and not in the Oscar Wilde sense where that is somewhat entertaining!

Annabelle makes it clear she's still very much on the other side of the door. "I have to be at work soon, and if you want me to go, I'll go. I wanted to cheer you up, but... I just hope you'll feel better soon."

God... You're so nice to me...

I listen to her movement around the apartment which numbs out my feelings. Besides her collecting things, she also goes over to Devon and carries him to his room. I know that because I don't see why else would Annabelle go to the nursery with his babbling ass without leaving him there.

"I'm leaving now. Devon is in his crib, so take all the time you need in the bathroom." She goes silent and probably expects me to say something back which I just cannot do.

I want her to leave as soon as possible, so that I can get back my peace and expand this fortress of solitude. But at the same time, it's comforting to know someone is waiting for you on the other side of the door.

"Well... Bye."

I hear no footsteps, so I imagine she just stands there in the middle of the living room.

I can't just stay quiet... She's done so much for me, she is sincerely worried about me right now. I can't ignore her when all her intentions are in my best interest only.

And YET! She went on a DATE!

"Bye..." I mumble, which takes way too much effort. I could easily collapse into bed and stay there recharging seven hours after saying this.

The sound of her footsteps follows and at last the sound of the closed front door. She actually leaves. I'm particularly happy about that, though there are things that I'd very much like to say. Funny... I didn't feel like saying anything while she was still here.

Somehow this current silence prevailing in the apartment is different than the one from before. It's more comforting. Maybe because I know I'm truly alone and the bitter encounter with the wanna-be feelings is slowly wearing out. As it should!

That just further confirms what I've realised before! It will take some time, but once I'll process through this obsession, that can hardly be anything else, all will be well!

Maybe I need a kind of symbolic cleansing, that kind of bullshit. Some women set the ex's clothes on fire, in yoga they send their breath to wherever there's tension, and... I guess I can take a shower and use soap. If it won't work, I'll at least be clean and have some time to think. Showers are always the best place to think, somehow they offer you a different perspective, and I could really use one right now.

I strip off my clothes not as majestically as it may sound and step under the shower that has been running for a while now. What can I do, I'm an American.

When the water pours over me, it feels so good I don't notice, or more like I don't care, that the water is burning my skin. Nonetheless, I don't change the temperature. I'll burn the feelings away if I have to.

Water runs down my back, chest and over my face, and it feels like all of it is really washing away. I surrender myself to the feeling, I am ready to be reborn as the good ol' bad Nathan Price.

But... Alas, I still am Nathan Price and I do complicate everything, so... why wouldn't I complicate this as well!

I fucking hate myself sometimes.

Why am I like this? She was just being nice... True, that she damn well pissed me off with her stunt, but she is nice to me even when I try to blow her off as soon as possible.

I don't even know if I wanted her to leave or not right now. It'd be comforting to know she's sitting on a couch and watching some TV while waiting for me to be done taking a shower so we could talk about all this.

What would I even say?

'Hi, Annabelle. Sorry for behaving like a boy in 3rd grade that pulls on the girl's pigtails because he likes her!'

Oooooooh... my God!

Okay, no, no, no. That sounds way too serious than it is.

Obviously I like her, otherwise I wouldn't be concerned for her and otherwise, I wouldn't... what's a nice expression for 'try to have sex with her'? Aha, otherwise I wouldn't pursue her in the way that I did. I even told her that I like her, so there are no secrets here. You can like someone without hoping for something to grow out of it.

The comparison I used obviously doesn't apply here! Yes, I like her, but not in that sense.

Why am I dealing with this as if a crush a boy has on a girl when he's in 3rd grade is a big deal? It's not, it's just about a boy not understanding how to get the girl's attention otherwise, or he doesn't know how to deal with feelings.

I may be drawing parallels here on purpose. But there aren't any! I am a grown man, a grown independent man that understands his feelings and has been dealing with them his entire life. My situation and a 3rd grader's situation are not similar.

Cleansing! This is about cleansing!

I grab the soap and pump out as much of it as I can and when I put it on my skin and start rubbing it in, I think my skin starts to scream.

Well, skin, join the club.

I try to focus on the smell and on the texture of the shampoo, on the temperature of water and on the sound, you know, the nice things, the things that calm you down and tell you everything is going to work out.

I guess I'm just a big fat piece of failure. This cleansing shit doesn't work. I just keep coming back to her.

Oh my God, so what if she went on a date?! I slept with Marie the next day, and I was satisfied with myself and kind of enthusiastic about it. That, as I remember, did not happen when I slept with Annabelle the last time! It's been right there in front of me this whole time, Annabelle and I are weird. Good for her that she went out! She deserves to have fun and try to meet her soulmate, or whatever she believes in.

She deserves it all. Just... not with Dominico. He was a sleazeball. I couldn't see him and I heard him say exactly three sentences, but I know he's either a spineless mummy's boy or he's the kissass at his job. Supposing he has one at all.

Wow, I just keep coming back to her date. Well, that sucks. I've been doing that for days and I figured out exactly nothing because there is nothing to figure out!

God fucking-!

I should just talk to her. At this point she already knows that her date thingy really bothers me, so it would do less damage to just tell her how disturbing that is in a way and that will be the end of it. Once I figure out how to tell her without giving her any false inclinations I am in any way into her, I'll be okay.

Maybe this soap cleansing does help... Maybe all those people that smash china to relax are onto something...

***

Apology comes first! My behaviour wasn't exactly the nicest these past few days. I claim that it's understandable, but I doubt anyone would actually be on my side on this one since I am being kind of hypocritical.

Anyway, when I step out of the shower, feeling good and cosy, confident and relaxed, I am swarmed with overwhelming guilt. Thank God that I at least bade her goodbye before she left, otherwise I'd just hang myself here under the shower.

I don't know why I function the way I do, but right now I have so many intense feelings about so many things I don't even want to try and make sense of them. Feelings don't exist to make sense. They exist to make a mess of everything, though sometimes you might get something nice out of them. Emphasis on sometimes.

I just need to apologise. I can figure out everything else later. I just feel so bad about locking myself away from her or trying to get rid of her grip. I could have just kindly told her to let go of me and then use 'force' as the last resort. By force, I mean cowardly running away from her and hiding in the bathroom.

With a towel wrapped around my waist, like a proper man, I leave the bathroom. That's when it dawns on me that I really am alone now and that she really did leave earlier. In a way, it's nice. It feels like I have space to think now, whereas earlier it was just her, her all over the place. Wherever I turned she was there, whatever I wanted to do, I had to deal with her first.

I go to my bedroom to get some clean clothes, but I also don't forget to fetch my phone. I am determined to call her. I might hate myself later, but that is just my default setting. Whatever I do, I'll, one way or another, beat myself up because of it. I'm a very great individual, indeed.

I dial her phone number while I'm about to browse through my wardrobe, but when it just keeps on ringing and ringing without her picking up, I zone out from picking an outfit and start to pace slowly around the room.

I shouldn't let this throw me off my balance. Even if she picks up now that the phone has been ringing for a while, I have to keep my mind straight. I'm making this call to apologise to her and fix things, not to cower from it again and make everything worse.

At last, I calm down and sit down on the bed when I spy something that doesn't normally belong to my bedroom. It's a tiny envelope with a Victorian pattern engraved on the corners and a light-pink silk ribbon tying the three-folded piece together with a neatly tied bow.

I beam a little because it's so aesthetically pleasing I don't want to do anything to ruin it, then I finally reach for it. My palms start to sweat all of a sudden and my heartbeat jumps up. I feel like a kid opening up Christmas presents on a Christmas morning.

Wow, I sure compare myself to kids a lot lately.

I hold the phone to my ear with my shoulder, while I carefully grab the ends of the bow with my index fingers and thumbs. I pull on the ends and the envelope falls apart, revealing calligraphic handwriting. I think my eyes widen even more. This is so astounding I don't register half of the things that are happening to me right now. I'm loving this!

After I'm done being amazed at every curve and every tiny detail on the envelope, I read the note:

Massachusetts Ballet Company

Cordially invites you to our La Sylphide ballet

This Saturday

The Four Seasons

142 Newbury Street

Boston, Massachusetts

I blink at the entire note, most of me confused as hell, but kind of honoured. Behind one of the letter's wings, I find a smaller note tucked in. I take it out and when I unfold it I immediately recognise Annabelle's handwriting, though I'm not even sure from where.

Dear Nathan,

You can be a tough and demanding man to put up with, so here I am challenging you and, hopefully, appealing to your wishes. You said you would only come to the performance if you received a real invitation, so I did everything I could to get you one. It would really mean a lot to me if you came to the performance, even if all you'd do there is drool or count how many circles I'll make.

Sincerely yours,

Annabelle x

PS.: You can use this invitation to get to the backstage and check out all the ballerinas you want.

I start smiling. I start smiling all warm and cute. I feel so giddy inside... She got me a legit invitation and she wrote me this very amusing note.

I reread the note again, and after I whisper out the text she wrote under PS, I out of nowhere say: "I don't care about the other ballerinas."

I smile again, fully this time, still melting deep inside. I can feel myself blushing up, and I only blush when I'm aroused. And I feel the need to clarify, that is not the case right now!

I just feel so ridiculously giddy I could squeal. I'm back to being a giggly high school girl.

The phone I'm holding to my ear stops ringing and goes directly to voicemail, so I hang up immediately. I don't want to know what kind of things I say when I'm this giddy and happy.

Instead, I dial another number, and it doesn't take long for Deidre to pick up, "Hello?"

"Hi, Deidre, it's Nathan," I say as I'm still busy staring at the letter. It's not a cute note. In my mind, this is a proper letter that needed days to get here.

"Oh, wait! Ray, it's Nathan!"

"No, no, I don't need to talk to him. I just need to ask you something."

"Of course, what is it?"

"Would you two like to spend a day with your grandson? Say, a Saturday?"

If you want me to be there, Annabelle, I will be. And I doubt I'll be counting circles.

A/N: I'd love to know which part of this chapter was your favourite one. Honestly, I put so many scenes in this one I have trouble deciding which one is my favourite ;3

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