Sugarless - 3.6
"She said what?" Avery asks in shock. "That's just rude."
I nod to myself, even though she can't see me. Adjusting the phone against my ear, I keep making lunch. I had cried enough yesterday, and now I refused to keep thinking about Nina. Avery was sure to tell me how Nina was a terrible person and I would force myself to believe it and stop feeling so bad.
"I don't think she even realises how rude she was being," I say with a sigh. The way she said it, the way she looked at me in disbelief when I left, makes me wonder if she understood how her words had impacted me.
"Please tell me you're not talking to her ever again."
"I-" The phone slips from my shoulder and I'm forced to wash my hands and pick it up from the floor. Thankfully, it didn't break. "Sorry, one second." I put it on speaker on top of the counter and go back to peeling my potatoes. "What hurts me the most is that I was actually enjoying hanging out with her. She's fun once you get past the hard shell."
"Are you sure that's not just the lack of contact with everyone else?" she asks. "I'm pretty sure even the Grinch was better than being alone."
"The Grinch is not that bad," I complain.
"Maybe it's for the best. Hanging out with the same person all the time can get annoying. I'm really close to forcing James to move in with Kyle just so I see him less."
I frown. "Don't you all live in the same apartment?"
"Yeah, but at least I'd have James' bedroom all to myself. Alone time," she says dreamily. "It was all fun and games the first weeks, but I'm going crazy. I need to be alone. I need to go outside and sticking my head out of the window is not cutting it. This shit better get under control or I'm going to end up in a mental asylum."
I chuckle. "Come on, it's not that bad."
"How can you say that? How are you so calm?" She sounds annoyed. "We don't know when will this be over and I can't live like this. I need to go outside, and the idea of being stuck inside for the rest of my life is driving me insane."
I swallow. "It's not going to last forever. They're already making vaccines."
A few weeks ago, all I could do was sigh and wallow in self pity, and then I met Nina and I stopped thinking about it so much. I learned to live that way and pretended it was totally normal. Now that she's gone, I'm afraid I'll go back to feeling a vast emptiness in my chest.
Maybe AJ is right. Nina was never the typical person I would be friends with. I can't even say why I enjoy being with her so much. It had to be the lack of social interaction that drew us close. The lack of choice. But I'm better alone than with someone who wants to forget about me once it's all over. If it is ever over.
"Great, they're both playing video games in the living room," Avery complains. "I hate the sound of that freaking game. I should've stayed with my mum."
"Oh, but the excitement of living with your boyfriend," I joke.
"That was before I was stuck with him! Ariana Grande can shove her stupid love song up her butt."
I grimace. "That song is playing like fifteen times on the radio every day."
"I know!"
When the news channels became tragic and made me feel trapped, I switched to the radio. It still updated me on how terrible the world was doing, but it played music and I found it relaxing to bake while listening to music.
"How's your mum?" I change topics.
"Happy, I think... She sounds happy, but I don't know." AJ sighs. "Her relationship with Mick is pretty recent. I hope they don't get irritated at each other like James and I."
"Is it really that bad?"
"No, I just... You know him. He needs his space. I wouldn't be surprised if some day he started wearing headphones and stopped talking altogether."
"I'm sorry," I say. It's not fair that I'm here whining about Nina when Avery is watching as her relationship crumbles. "Maybe you just need to find common ground? Compromise?"
"He's already letting me use his room to phone people. Yes, because it's his room, as he remembered last night. Both him and Kyle are overwhelmed with university work and they both despise that I'm not. I hate it too, but it's not like they care."
"I'm sure you'll figure it out."
"Yeah." Her voice comes out in defeat. "Well, you must be thrilled you're not with your parents."
"So and so."
I finish cutting my potatoes and throw them in the boiling water. I'm almost done with lunch, but I'm not hungry. Everything I do is routine, even eating. I'm afraid if I don't keep doing everything the right way, I'll forget to do them and start lazing around. I'll let quarantine win.
"I doubt I'd even see them," I continue. "They'd stay in their corner of the house and I'd stay in mine except for meals... Maybe even then they would send a maid to bring me food. I'd be alone either way."
"You could play hopscotch with the maids," she suggested.
I smile a little at that. "I think I prefer Nina..."
As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel a weight pressing on my chest. There's no Nina anymore. I had forgotten.
"Jade, have some self respect. She said she didn't want to be your friend. That means go away in most languages."
"You know what this seems?" I ask with a giggle. "We're like three-year-olds making friendships in kindergarten."
She chuckles. "Yeah, you're right. Still, the message was pretty clear."
I sigh. "Yeah. I know."
We resume our call and I focus on finishing lunch. It's not a complicated task, but I try my best to think only about what I'm doing. I know if I let myself think about Nina, I'll end up in a never-ending spiral of unwelcomed thoughts.
A knock on the door makes me stop dead in place. I don't need to think about who it might be. I know it's her. It's always been her for the past weeks and no one else.
I consider staying silent inside and not opening the door, but the part of me that still wants to see her wins over.
I stay silent as I open the door. Nina is standing on the other side in loose sweatpants and a tank top, looking like an injured puppy. She waves weakly and I frown at her.
For a moment, we stare at each other in silent. I refuse to say a word. I have nothing else to say to her. Yet, there's so much I want her to say to me. An apology, for starters, would be great.
"Hey," she says. I keep quiet. "Look, about yesterday... I think things got out of hand."
She doesn't continue, perhaps expecting me to agree with her. I don't. I know if I talk, I'll tell her how much she hurt me and everything she needs to do to fix it. She was the one to hurt me. She has to fix it by herself.
"I was hurt," she admits. "And I was harsher than you deserved. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted that way."
"Right," I say. "But nothing changed, did it?"
She bites her bottom lip and my stomach twists at the sight. I'm reminded why we could never be friends either way. She's the pretty girl making boys drool at the sight of her. Girls like her aren't friends with me.
"I spoke out of anger yesterday," she explains. "And, well, I don't really have many friends. I have people I hang out with, but I don't consider them friends." She highlights the word as if it's something out of this world. "I guess I never really thought we would end up being friends. But I'm all for it if you are too."
I frown. She's got to be joking. There's no way she doesn't have friends. Not that long ago, she was mocking me for not having friends. Now she's the one who doesn't socialise? I don't buy it.
"What do you mean, you don't have friends?" I ask harshly.
She shrugs. "Friend means someone you trust. I'm not big on that opening one's heart to someone bullshit."
I blink. Am I wrong? Is she not the person I think she is? I swallow at the thought of judging her wrong all this time. She is supposed to be the shallow one, and yet, here I stand.
"It's not bullshit," I tell her.
"Kind of is." She shrugs.
I roll my eyes. Of course she thinks so. "Don't tell me you were an introvert with no social skills all this time?" I tease.
"I'm not. I just don't get too close to people."
"Then what?"
"Then what what?" she asks with a frown.
I shrug. "What do you do? You just hang out with them until you get bored?"
"I... well, you know..." She scratches her nose, not looking at me. "I take them to bed and never talk to them again."
My eyes widen. I was not expecting her to say that.
"Those are not friends!" I say, hoping she can't hear how surprised I am.
"Well, I know that," she says with an eye roll. "What's the big deal?"
I stare at her, a bit disappointed. Her lifestyle is something I don't agree with in the slightest. She speaks of certain things as if it's no big deal. Things that I can't view in the same way, and I wouldn't want to either way.
"Nina, do you really want to be my friend?"
She nods. "That's what I came here to tell you."
I sigh. "You realise I' have no intention of going to be with you like your other...acquaintances?"
"Yeah, that much was clear already," she says with an eye roll. "I solemnly swear we'll be just friends. The coolest friends. Everyone will be jealous of us."
"Are you joking right now?"
"Never been so serious in my life."
She's joking.
Despite everything, I can't help but forgive her. I like her and I know she likes me in her own weird way. All I wanted was for her to give me a proper apology, and while I don't consider this proper at all, I give in.
"So, friends?" She stretched her hand forward for me to shake.
"No," I say, making her smile fall. "Acquaintances who might become friends in a not so far away future."
Nina blinks. "Oh. Yeah, I like that. I can totally do that." She smiles again, and asks, "Is this because you don't know me that well?"
"Yeah. I told you already."
"Fine by me."
We shake hands, and I feel a weight lifting on my chest. I also know I have to justify this turn of events very well to Avery, since she's already set on hating Nina for the rest of her life.
"Thank you," she says, and I frown. "I got scared you would be mad forever when you left my apartment yesterday."
"I got you scared?" I laugh. "That's adorable. You really care for me."
"I do." She nods. "I really do."
I swallow. Those words resonate in my head like drums. I was only joking, but she means it, and I wasn't ready for that. It makes the palm of my hand prickle where she is still holding me. I'm quick to slip off her grip and look away.
"Well," I find my voice again. "I'm just finishing lunch. Do you want to come in?"
"I never say no to a meal."
Nina smiles at me, and she is so calm now. She completely changed demeanour after I accepted her apology and looks so relaxed. And I stand here, staring at her with my heart pounding in my chest. I hate it.
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