Hi guys!! Yes, I'm back, but this is again, more of a serious journal. I know I disappeared for a while, and really, I'm sorry. My mental health was...so bad. It was almost to the point of me contemplating my life once again.I feel you guys deserve a pretty good explanation as to why I was gone for so long, so...here. By the way, this is no way of me trying to bash anyone here.

It started in September. If you were since a year ago, you'd know I was dating someone. Well, we broke up. The relationship was becoming toxic on both sides, and I felt it was best for us to just go our own ways & stay out of each others lives. Well, that ended up being horrible.

Over the summer, I guess you can say I had a 'fling', and I can't lie...it was pretty soon after the break up. But a problem with me, is that I tend to move on pretty fast from relationships. It's a blessing and a curse, but it doesn't change the fact that the person is (sadly, and you'll see why) my first actual love.

September hits, and rumors spread like a WILDFIRE. The 'fling' rumor got out, but then a cheating rumor popped up. Then a slut rumor popped up. Come to find out, my ex caught wind of it, and told a good majority of my friends at the time. I was really confused, because I only knew about the rumor about me being a supposed slut. I didn't care, but when I find out that one of my friends 'told' my ex about the 'fling'...you can only imagine that I was hurt.

October-December was just a bad time for me. I was back to being depressed, I DREADED going to school, and honestly, there were times I'd have to miss school because I'd throw up from anxiety. I had thoughts of suicide, and ended up self harming after I promised myself that I wouldn't anymore. I didn't self-harm in four years...I stopped when I was 14. I'm about to be 18.

I know you're wondering. Did I react? No. Unfortunately, there's just some people that don't know when to stop, and have a sense of superiority over a person. I still haven't reacted, and again, I'll explain why later.

January comes, and I promised myself that I'd be happier. Stop worrying about the rumors. It's a new year right? So I continued to block them out. Because I started to get college acceptances, which gave a sign that I'll finally almost be done. I'm 50% of the way there, right? I ignored it...Until the beginning of April.

Granted, I knew my ex was still talking. Yes, I may have said stuff, but when I do say stuff, nobody can say that it isn't true. The farthest I ever went was complaining about the level of immaturity that was being displayed. I have a tendency of not giving attention to those who don't deserve it.

The beginning of April was...almost a trail period for me. They (barely) died down, but I was thinking about just finally speaking up. But then I thought again...is it even worth it?

Now? I'm doing better. But I guess this is a way of me breaking my silence. I had friends on the sidelines supporting me, which I really do thank them for a lot. I'm doing better, I came out to my parents about my mental health in a really emotional way, but...really. These four months were a real trial on my mental health.

I'm still here...right?

But before I say my last few words of this journal, I'll explain the future of this book. It's still going on, but it's going on a hiatus. I know that's long overdue, but I want to build my confidence a lot more before I continue, because I want to give the best writing that I can do. I don't want to give half-ass content, because your support isn't half-ass. To those who reached out by the way, just know that I love you. A lot. I really do appreciate you so much.

But...my last words? As I grow more confident, guys...Never give attention to a bitter bitch. If they have to tear you down, spread rumors about you, and try to silence you in a way to a point where you have to think about your worth as a person? Let's get one thing straight. You can't turn coal into a diamond. It's not hard to find lumps of coal, but you have to dig really deep to find a diamond, and you can't scratch one either. You're the diamond. You are THAT bitch. You are worth it, and don't ever question your worth based off someone's inability to see it.

So pick up your goddamn crown and put it back on your head. It may take a while to get used to the weight of it, but honey. You look stunning with it on. It took me a while to find it, but now that I found it, it's not coming off anytime soon. I hope you find yours too, because I'm sure these bitter bitches sunglasses won't help them from going blind by your success. 😝

=💖 Love Yourself, Love Myself 💖=

~🌸Ally🌸~