STRINGS AND CHAINS

CHAPTER 32

I'm sitting on the bed while I'm thinking about the things that happened to me in the past weeks. It was crazy. It happened so fast. Sunod-sunod. Walang hinto. A lot of things, happy and painful things, can happen in just one day. Let alone a week, a month, or a year; that's going to be a crazy and hell of a ride. I'm excited and scared with what the future holds. I'm terrified with what's happening in the present. I regret some things and decision that I did in the past.

There are many ifs.

What if I didn't meet Raiden? What would be my life now?

What if the incubi didn't kidnap me? Where would I stand now?

What if I didn't go in that warehouse? What would happen to my parents, the Roscoe, and to Raiden?

What if I didn't agree to Lilith? Would I be dead now? Would my loved ones mourn for me?

Was it a mistake, my choices and my decisions?

It was just the Roscoe, my parents, and the other hunters. Sobra akong natakot nang makita ko si mama na walang malay sa kamay ni Raiden. My father was hurt. He was bleeding in front of me. I couldn't do anything. I didn't know what to do and how could I help. I was panicking. I was scared to death. Was it the last day that I would see my parents? Was it how they would leave me? I wasn't ready for that. And I wasn't going to let those incubi take my parents away from me.

And that night when I saw Raiden covered with blood. I stood there, seeing him showered with blood, my mom was unconscious, and my dad was bleeding to death. My heart stopped beating. I was so damn scared. I would never forget that night. Para akong lumutang nang mga oras na 'yon. Lumilipad ang isip ko sa mga posibleng mangyari. My parents were going to leave me. I thought Raiden was badly hurt. I expected the worst. I already thought a lot of scenarios na mangyayari after kong makita ang tatlong tao na mahalaga sa buhay ko sa ganoong kondisyon.

So I was so relieved nang malaman kong hindi dugo ni Raiden ang nasa katawan niya, na nagising muli si mama, at nagamot agad si papa.

Maybe yes, I made a mistake for not thinking straight. Because the next thing that I said and promised to myself, ako naman. Ako naman ang sasalo ng bala para sa kanila. Ako naman ang magpro-proteka sa kanila.

There were twenty people at the house. They were trained to kill those creatures. They were good and they already prove a lot of things to be called a hunter. Yet they were easily defeated by seven incubi. They had no idea how to stop them. They knew nothing about them. They didn't know how to kill them. It wasn't enough. Those demons were powerful. At kapag wala kang alam sa kalaban mo, ikaw ang dehado.

Maybe I committed another mistake by presenting myself as a decoy. Yes, I was a fool. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nakaabang sa akin para doon. But it was my decision and my parents agreed to it because they trusted me. It was a gamble to let your one and only daughter walk inside a warehouse full of demons. But they had to do it, I had to do it. We needed to win. We need a distraction and I was so perfect for it. So I walked there, sacrificed everything, and we won.

So did I make another mistake by agreeing to Lilith's conditions? There were only two outcomes for me. I would die by Lilith's hands. Ano bang mapapala niya sa isang babae na hindi niya mapapakinabangan? Or I would make a deal with her, survive, and be alive again. And I chose the latter. I agreed to one last thing that I would choose. I had a deal with Lilith because they were waiting for me. Raiden, I could never leave him. How could I leave them here?

I want to live. I want to survive. So I took the risk and came back alive.

So again, was it all a mistake?

Yes or no?

How would you even know if you made a mistake?

How would you know if your sacrifices are useless?

Lumunok ako at tumingin sa lapag. Nakita ko ang pagtulo ng luha ko sa aking pantalon. I spent my whole time thinking about it; my choices, the consequences, and the debt that demands payment. And I learned a lot of things too.

It's okay to be foolish at least once in a while. It's okay to gamble and take a risk. If you succeed, that's good. But if you made a mistake, learn from it. Stand up, be brave, learn, and bear with the consequences. It was your choice. You deal with it. You are not a kid, you will not whine, you will act responsibly.

I kept on asking myself if I made a mistake. Yes, I did. How did I know? Because in the process, I hurt the people around me and I'm sorry for it. But I could no longer go back to the past and correct everything nor do they. We just have to admit that we made mistakes, we apologize sincerely, we learn from it, we improve ourselves to be better, and we'll make mistakes again.

That's how it goes. Bad things happen to your life. You will deal a lot of problems. Sometimes you will see yourself stuck and you can longer do anything about it. Like what happened to me.

But just repeat the process. It will lead you to where you should be.

Was my sacrifice useless? No, it wasn't. My parents are alive. We save innocents from the incubi. I learned the truth and used them to save more people. Even if my soul was the price to pay, it was all worth it.

I am not a hero. You will just do anything, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it costs, for the people that you truly love. And I'm just person who gives everything for the people that I love. I did what I had to do.

I took a deep breath and looked at the door.

Before I go outside and touch the damn orb, I just want to say sorry to the man that loves me the most, more than his life, more than everything. I'm sorry for making you angry. I'm sorry for making you worried. I'm sorry for everything. I didn't listen to you. I acted according to what I wanted. And I'm sorry for it.

I am about to make another foolish decision again. Advance sorry na ito. Kasi I do not know how this will end. It's either you will hug me alive or hug me dead. It's just between the two. You're not here. I know you will be angry. I'm sorry my condition cannot wait. I'm sorry for trusting these people around me.

I'm sorry.

I'm selfish.

I'm sorry.

I'm hateful.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

Tumayo ako at naglakad palabas ng kuwarto. There, inside the living room, I see Lauren and her six servants standing. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa orb na nakapatong sa lamesa at naglakad papalapit doon.

"Are you ready?" tanong ni Lauren sa akin.

Muli akong huminga ng malalim at tumango. Hinawakan ni Lauren ang kaliwang kamay ko at ginabayan patungo sa orb.

"It will hurt you a lot. The pain is unbearable."

I licked my lips at tumingin kay Lauren. I'm scared and really nervous. But I will trust her, I will trust them.

"We do not know what's going to happen next, but we'll make sure that you won't die. We are here. You are not alone."

Tumango ako sa kanya. Muli akong tumingin sa orb.

"Be strong," bulong ni Lauren.

And I will.

Lauren guided my hand and put it in the top of the orb. Madali niyang inilayo ang kamay niya sa kamay ko nang tuluyan kong mahawakan ang maliit na bilog. I felt my eyes shifted to its demon sight. I immediately felt the intolerable and immense pain; it flows in my hands and spreads to different parts of my body. I bit my lip at first, but it's too much. The pain is too much. I can't handle it. I even tasted my own blood in my mouth. I was trying so hard not to cry and shout I almost rip off my lip.

And when I could no longer stand the pain, I cried and shouted until my lungs burn and my throat hurts.

"AHHHHH!!!"

It breaks every part of my body. It's sucking everything inside me... including me.

I don't know what to do. I want to let go but the orb is holding me. It doesn't want to let me go.

Namilipit ako sa sakit, sumigaw sa ginagawang pagsipsip ng orb sa lakas ko.

My eyes rolled upwards when I felt how it pulls my mind inside it. It gives me headache that can wreck my brain for good.

"S-st...op..." I managed to say the words, but it still didn't stop.

So I stood there, letting the orb turn me insane. I can no longer breathe. I can no longer feel my body. I can no longer remember what happened next. My eyes shut down. My body gave up. My mind was lost. And my soul...

I can no longer tell where am I, who am I, what am I doing, and why.

It just took everything.

The orb did.

Maybe I'm already inside the orb. Maybe I'm already dead.

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm just wishing that somehow, despite the unimaginable pain it gave me, it was successful.

But only I can tell if it's successful.

And it is a success if I find myself again, if I can feel my body again, and if I can open my eyes again.

But the problem is...

Pity, I couldn't.