ELEVEN YEARS AGO

»Ackermann, catch!«

Levi only realised what had happened when he felt the full force of a ball hit the back of his head, making him stumble forward. Laughter grew loud behind him, and Levi shrunk with embarrassment, lowering his shoulders.

»You have to be faster if you want to keep up,« Daniel chanted behind him again, a kid with a cruel grin who'd started to pick on him since he came here.

Levi rubbed the back of his head and begrudgingly left the field to sit on the bench. A group of boys have been targeting him the entire match, and it seemed he couldn't stay on the field for more than twenty seconds.

No matter how fast he ran, how many of those balls he dodged, one of them would always hit him within a wink. Black marks had already started to form on Levi's pale skin.

It was lessons like this he hated the most.

The three balls were tossed back and forth, in and out of the two fields, hitting body parts or the ground, and each time his team managed to hit one of the opposite players, one of the kids sitting on the bench ran back in. After a while, it was his turn, but he let his other kicked-out teammates go first.

A boy with azure eyes and spikey blond hair couldn't believe that Levi would prefer staying, sending him a confused expression. Rather unbothered, he rushed back to the field. Levi watched him communicate with the other players, give them signs and celebrate small victories with high-fives.

Why can't I like him?

With the kids next to Levi going in, one after the other, it was soon just him sitting there, and he hoped that the opposite team would finally end the game, but both were pretty much equal in skill. Soon, one of the girls in the opposite team was kicked out. Since Levi didn't get up, the coach, a tall, bald man with a stern, unfriendly face, gestured for him to get going.

Reluctantly, Levi stood up, taking slow, controlled steps towards the field, trying his best to remain impassive, but he already reeked of insecurity, and the boys smelt fear like bloodhounds.

Levi got in between the other kids, and now he was really trying to concentrate, calculating the trajectory of every ball flying in his direction. His mind was alerted, quick, but his body wouldn't listen to the sudden impulses; he lacked the required coordination. Levi was uneasy on his feet, his shoe soles squeaking on the linoleum floor and his fingers trembling with both anticipation and urgency, heartbeat all the way up in his throat, and he made mistake after mistake.

Instead of being hit, after all, he tripped over his own feet within seconds, landed right in front of Daniel, who was standing over him once again, gloating smile, spinning the ball in his hands. All of his insides were burning with shame until Levi couldn't breathe, tears setting at the edge of his sight.

The boy lifted the ball into the air, to which Levi yelled, »I'm out! I'm out!«

»Rules are rules,« he laughed, and Levi clapped his hands over his head, but the impact came nonetheless, and it wasn't the pain following afterwards that bothered him. He was just so deeply ashamed. Although it still hurt, of course.

»What is it? You're going to cry, now?« the boy carried on, and of course, Levi was, because he was still somehow the weakest in this stupid class. He quickly stood up and ran off to the locker room, boisterous barks of laughter colouring his mind red.

He barged into the locker room and grabbed the first thing he saw, a gym bag, wanting to fling it across the room. However, as he pulled at the fabric, it got stuck around the handle, and that angered him even more, making him kick one of the benches instead, he couldn't even properly throw a tantrum! What was he even good at?

His foot hurt from the kick and he let himself slide to the ground, sitting in front of the bench and burying his face in his arms as nothing but his quiet sobs filled the room. He wished his mum was here. Mum would've known what to do, or she would've hugged him and told him everything was going to be fine.

After her accident, it was clear that he needed someone to watch out for him, and apparently this was the only place left. Why did she leave him? He couldn't handle this all on his own, he needed her, more than anything, and he just didn't understand why all of this was happening to him.

»What are you doing here, kid?« a male voice called out behind him soon after, all coldness and discipline. It belonged to the coach, who'd entered the room without Levi noticing. A metre separated the two.

Levi remained silent, averting his gaze, still shaking.

»They won't leave you alone if you hide in here.«

Shadis was his name, Levi then remembered. He bent down to look at Levi, who quickly wiped away his tears. »Hey, that's enough. Stop that.«

Another sob shuddered through Levi's body, and not wanting to annoy the coach, he quickly pressed a hand against his own mouth to muffle the noise.

With a sigh, Shadis sat down on the bench, still keeping his distance with Levi. For a few seconds, his hand hovered above Levi's shoulder before he set it down, patting his shoulder.

»You're new here, aren't you?« he asked, voice defrosting only a smidge.

Levi wiped his nose and nodded.

»What's your first name again?«

»Levi.«

»Things go a little different around here, Levi. What matters around here, is what you show on the outside.« He set his hand on his own knee again, looking forward. »By saying these things, they want to get a reaction out of you. The moment you've allowed them into your mind, you've made yourself vulnerable.«

Levi wanted to say something, but instead only a desperate gurgle came out, throat still sore from crying.

Shadis continued, »And they will bug you even more if you do shit like this. Because then, they'll think you're weak.« Looking him up and down, he added, »At some point in your life, you're going to be stronger than them. And that's when they'll leave you alone.«

Levi wiped his nose with his sleeve. »And what do I do until then?«

»Not cry.«

»That's bullshit.«

»Watch your tone, Ackermann.«

Cold again.

Levi muttered a quiet apology.

»Give them no reason to attack you. That way, acceptance will be inevitable.«

»I don't want their acceptance, I want them to be afraid of me,« Levi brought out, trembling with anger.

»I don't think you actually want that.«

»You don't understand. They're already afraid of you. They respect you.«

Shadis made a clicking sound with his mouth, as though mulling something over. »If you want them to respect you, pick the biggest of them and humiliate him.«

»How?«

»That, you have to figure out by yourself, boy.«

Levi let out a frustrated grunt.

»Listen, kid, I can't make this easier for you. You can only try your hardest. Hard work always pays off.« Levi was not at all pleased with that solution, so Shadis thought of a crash-course in how to master the academy. »There are some rules you should know, though.«

Levi was all ears. He could use any advice that would help him become better. Stronger.

»Rule number one: Don't hesitate. Every second you don't strike back, they'll use to calculate your next attack.« He'd lifted his hand and extended his index finger, then came the middle finger. »Rule number two: Never feel sorry. Don't have compassion. They're going to use that against you.«

Levi nodded hastily.

»And last, win. That's all that matters for now. Just win.«

Levi tried to recall each and every word. »Okay.«

»Next time you'll make them cry. Does that sound good?«

»Yeah.«

The coach stood up and walked over to the door, Levi followed him with his gaze. Before he stepped out, he hesitated, still standing in the doorway. He looked at Levi again. »You're only as strong as your will, kiddo.«

•  •  •

Humans are weak by nature.

False.

Humans are physically inferior to ghouls.

True.

Humans cannot win a physical fight against a ghoul.

False.

Humans are not strong, but not inherently weak, as well.

True.

Levi would like to believe that Erwin just got lucky. Like he'd said, Levi was not exactly at his best when the fight started. He'd been hungry, exhausted, and sleep-deprived.

But Erwin was not at all harmless, to say the least. He'd used both his words and surroundings after being driven into a corner. And even though he'd been at a clear disadvantage and would've normally drawn the short straw, he'd managed to overpower Levi. His strength materialised itself in both intelligence, creativity, and sheer willpower.

Levi couldn't remember the last time he'd seen such resoluteness in somebody's eyes, the defiance required to survive.

Maybe strength could be taught and accumulated. To some degree.

But before anything, Erwin was not afraid of him. And Levi didn't know whether he found that good or bad.

With the evening approaching, Erwin had to return to the department, which left Levi all to himself in this stupid flat. Levi decided it would be wise to clean up the mess they'd made ─ just in case, you never knew. Also, he didn't feel like spending the rest of the day surrounded by their mixed blood.

Levi still had his doubts with Erwin's plan ─ but then also, what choice did he have? Killing, he hadn't been able to do for some reason, and breaking into a morgue would get him arrested. With the medical examiner and the cop on his side, there was a chance he could get away with it.

Once again, Levi had to depend on somebody, just like when he stayed with the organisation. He would never be truly free, would he?

Erwin had suggested that Levi would join Hange and him tomorrow because he didn't know if he was able to make her familiar with this upsetting fact ─ if she even believed them. »Aren't you afraid that makes you look like a crazy cannibal?« Levi had asked, to which he'd answered, »Not if you calmly explain the situation to her.«

»No. No, I'm done talking with humans about how ›different‹ and ›fascinating‹ I am.«

»Well, I'm not the one in need for something to eat.«

»Fine. I will talk to her and beg for food, which is a human right, by the way.«

»Not a ghoul right, though.«

Levi would've ended the conversation right there and then, but he knew Erwin was his only chance if he didn't want to go on a Hunt.

»Do I even wanna know how you got through life before?«

»You can synthesise human flesh. It's expensive and laborious, but it's safe.«

Relief had outlined his features, but his eyes remained thoughtful, as though still trying to find the catch. Like there had to be something despicable about eating human flesh.

Erwin shook his head. »Well, then.«

Maybe he should've turned around and headed back to the department. But knowing that Levi's life was in danger, Erwin couldn't leave him all on his own now. Now that he was unable to defend himself. Erwin had started this, so he was somewhat responsible for Levi now.

»Levi, I can't stay,« he told him as though only to soothe his conscience.

Levi didn't look up, still sitting on that same spot on the floor. »I know.«

»You need to rest.«

»Yeah.«

»But you can't rest here, right?«

»More or less.«

»What if,« Erwin ran a hand through his hair, pulling at a bundle to check if he was actually alive and considering this, »I give you my key and you crash at my place for tonight?«

»I don't need your charity.«

»It's not charity.«

»Yes, it is, and I can't bear you looking at me like I'm just some sort of obligation.«

»I don't ...«

»I can fight. We need to find a different solution.«

»And until then, we need a temporary solution.«

As much as Levi liked to argue, Erwin had a point. But he wouldn't admit that.

»Also, I'm very egotistical, actually,« he suggested, trying a different angle. »Because for all I know, you are being a damn nuisance, and I want you to be well and rested, so you don't piss me off all the time.«

»I know what you're doing.«

Since Levi still remained unconvinced, Erwin rolled his eyes to the back of his skull. It was time to bring in the big guns.

»Also, I feel the urge to always help people because it makes me feel better about myself. Maybe it's because of my father and how I watched him die and felt so powerless because I couldn't keep it from happening.«

»Oh my God, I didn't ask you to tell me your life story,« Levi interrupted, lifting his flat hand to stop him from going on. He extended his arm to reach for the key. »Fine.«

Erwin lifted it out of Levi's reach. »Rules first,« he demanded, to which Levi let out a sigh, yet nodded. »Don't touch anything. Lock the door. You can sleep on the couch.«

»Aren't you afraid I might steal your stuff?«

Erwin knit his stupid eyebrows. »What stuff? My DVD collection?«

»You still watch DVDs?«

Erwin halted, averting his gaze. »Sometimes.«

Once more, Levi tried to grab the keys, but Erwin stepped back again. »Rules first.«

Levi let out a deep breath. »Close the door, couch, no touching. Story of your life.«

»What?«

»What?« Levi blurted. »Anything else, Officer?«

Erwin narrowed his eyes at him. »Aren't you forgetting something?«

Levi remained quiet until it dawned on him. He clenched his teeth. »Thanks,« he pressed out.

With an approving nod and that stupid, smug smile spreading on his face, Erwin finally placed the keys in his palm. »Was that so hard, now?«

»Yes, because I hate that fucking face you always make,« Levi hissed, irritated.

»Is it a pretty face?«

In spite of himself, Levi inspected his sharp features, golden cuts. »Question of taste. Or a lack thereof.«

»At least I show an emotion every now and then. You have exactly one expression, and that is the one you're making now.«

»Constipated?«

»I wanted to say, sad rock, but yeah, that works, too.«

»Weird how that's always the case when I'm around you.«

»Does that make me special?«

»Oh, yeah. Only you get that treatment.« Levi tightened his grip around the keys. More seriously, je said, »I hope you understand what you're getting yourself into, Erwin.«

Peering up at him, he found Erwin's unflinching gaze colliding with his, insidious blue. »I know what I want.«

Levi maintained the eye contact, challenging him. He found it odd how Erwin wouldn't shy away from glancing at him this openly. However, he never stared him down, it was actually the opposite. It was as though Erwin's gaze was a demand, Look at me when I'm talking to you.

It felt weirdly intimate, personal.

Levi couldn't stand it.

»Okay,« he said apathetically.

Once Erwin had left the flat, Levi looked at the keys again. »DVDs,« he muttered to himself, shaking his head.

When Levi entered Erwin's flat, after taking care of his own, he didn't pay attention to the distracting chaos and the dust particles swimming in the lamplight from outside. All he thought was that Erwin's flat was so, so warm. It smelt of heat, and only when he took off his shoes (he was not an animal), he realised it came from the wooden floor, warming his cold feet.

Levi remembered that Erwin had said he should sleep on the couch, but what if it smelt like lavender? That would be odd.

Instead, Levi curled up on the floor, pressing his side against the heated floorboards, sucking in the thick, comfortable air that rose from them. Heat in the floor, he'd never seen anything like that.

Before, he'd planned to get up, but then he figured, it was better this way, warm and nice. And more importantly, he shouldn't get too comfortable in Erwin's home.

•  •  •

»Hey, Pieck, have I ever told you, you have such great hair?« Erwin asked as he came up to the DA with a coy smile, intercepting her at the commissioner's office.

Pieck halted, letting go of her file with one hand and reaching for her black, healthy tips. »I do?«

»Yeah, have you changed your routine lately?«

»Oh. Actually, I've been using a new conditioner and,« she interrupted herself, then her eyes narrowed. »Alright, what do you want?«

»Why does that mean that I want something?«

»No man cares about anybody's hair routine. Although the amount of gel you use suggests otherwise.«

»Wow. Uncalled for.«

She shrugged with her old-mint smile, satisfied with her comeback. Worth a try.

»You think we can get a court order for an obduction of Reiner Braun?«

»Why? The cause of death was diagnosed. And a medical prof─«

»I know, I know, I just want to be sure.«

Her expression hardened with seriousness. »What are you suggesting?« Pieck asked, and Erwin wished he could make up a rational answer for that, but all he had was his intuition, and Levi's suspicion, of course, which didn't count as evidence. »The man shot himself, Erwin. It would be a miracle if he'd lived, after all.«

»But don't you think, it's oddly convenient?«

»Convenient for him to die?« Since Erwin didn't elaborate, she added, »Listen, we have four perps of which we found three, a motive, one signed confession from Hofer, and Braun has admitted to the crime, as well, if your statement is to be believed.«

»We still don't have the murder weapon,« Erwin objected.

»Then we don't have one, where's the problem? They probably got rid of it somewhere, tossed it in the trash or whatever, criminals are not as smart as they think they are,« she sighed, shrugging him off and starting to walk out of the hallway. »The case is closed.«

Erwin followed after her. »I think there's more to this.«

»Detective, I know you hoped this would be a colossal case, but there's nothing colossal about this.« She clasped the file under her arm. »It's just ... a bunch of people with no direction in life.«

»Do you find the motive believable?«

Pieck stood. She turned around, her lips compressed into a thin line.

»Be honest to yourself, listen to your gut. Do you actually think those guys are ... terrorists?«

»I will admit, I was thinking about this, too. Something doesn't add up.« Her eyebrows knit with doubt. »But the longer the investigation takes on, the more anxious the public gets. Zackly wants this solved quickly, or it's going to the state police. They have a special counterterrorism unit.«

»Always the ticking clock.«

»That's just how it is,« she returned patting him on his upper arm. »But I still don't deem an obduction necessary. And I will stand by that.«

»I understand.«

»Any who, what's up with your leg?«

Erwin looked down. She must've noticed his slight limp. It still hurt when he put weight on his foot where the wound from Levi's claw fermented. »Bicycle accident.«

»Anarchy reigns in this city during rush hour.«

»It was actually my fault. Crashed a parking car.«

The DA laughed her gentle, tired laugh and started to walk away. »Get well, Detective.«

»You're the best, Pieck.«

»Yeah, yeah,« she waved him off. On her way to the elevator, she stopped next to the desk where Eld was sitting and three other officers, Nile and Oluo were chatting casually with fresh coffee in their hands. They'd looked over at Erwin and Pieck quite a few times, which explained why they became silent in an immediate when the DA approached them with a pleasant expression.

»Hey, Detectives. Looking handsome as always.« Her smile faded when she nodded towards the tallest of them. »Eld.« With a bland expression, she lifted the file into the air. »Remember how I told you I needed this evidence labelled and the paperwork done to get a search warrant?«

Eld opened his mouth to form an excuse, but he only brought out a weak »Uh«.

Pieck cut him off. »So, I didn't get the warrant. Which means, we couldn't search your dealer's house, so now his supplier has dipped, all of a sudden.«

She waited for him to say something intelligent in his defence, which he didn't.

»All of this is useless now,« she told him, smacking the file on top his desk. With a smile touching her lips again, she announced, »Also, the commissioner wants to speak with you when you're done with this.«

Eld nodded. Once she'd walked out of the office, he turned to the others, who'd watched the scene with both pity and entertainment. Mike had joined them too now, interested in what was going on, while Erwin only rolled his eyes and sat across them, back at his desk.

»Man, DA can be really scary when she's mad,« Mike remarked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

»Made Eld almost piss himself,« Nile laughed.

»I would like some punishment from her,« Oluo joked towards Erwin. »Y'know what I'm saying?«

»Shut up,« Erwin returned, which was met with agreeing angry remarks towards him.

»You haven't got a shot with her, even in a million years,« Mike laughed.

»I can charm her. I have a way with women.«

»Is that the way of pissing them off?«

»Erwin, what do you think?« Nile asked him.

All of the officers turned towards him. »About what?«

»About Pieck,« he answered like it was obvious. »You two seem to get along well.«

»I guess.« He specified, »I like her work ethic.«

»She's nice, but then she gets so ... serious. Gives me the creeps.«

Erwin shook his head, that was not the problem. He liked being challenged. »I like strong personalities.«

»You're not dating anyone at the moment, are you?« Since Erwin only shrugged, he added, »Ah, it's always the same with him. Keeping his private life a huge mystery.«

»Do you have a dark secret? Erwin, do you dissect girls?« Oluo put the boot in.

»She's the DA, you guys. I don't date colleagues.« He looked over at his best friend. »No offence, Mike.«

»None taken. Until you said, ›No offence.‹«

»How's it going between you and Nana, anyways?« Erwin asked, shifting the attention towards him, which Mike noticed, but reluctantly allowed, nonetheless.

•  •  •

Before visiting Hange the next morning, Erwin returned home, only to find Levi in fetal position, snoring quietly on the hard, wooden floor, no pillow, no blanket. Lying as far from the walls and Erwin's furniture as possible, he'd made himself so small that his feet didn't even brush against the carpet.

Without his claw or his piercing gaze, Levi was not at all frightening, Erwin noticed.

One of his black eyes cracked open, and Erwin jumped, seeing how they'd darkened with caution, a readiness to act. But upon seeing Erwin, he turned his head away, lying his cheek on the warm floor. Not so harmless, after all.

»Rise and shine,« Erwin whispered in order to not startle him. Since Levi didn't move, he added, »It's time to see Hange.«

Upon hearing her name, his tourmaline eye rolled upwards again, staring at him.

»Your super close friend.«

»We're not friends,« he brought out, his voice hoarse with fatigue.

Erwin squatted down next to him. He extended his hand toward Levi's legs to shake him out of his slumber, but he stopped himself just as his fingers hovered above his jeans. He decided it was better not to.

»Why are you on the floor?« he asked, instead, drawing his hand back.

»Because it's warm.«

»Floor heating,« he said like it was obvious. »Never seen it?«

»No,« he grumbled against his sleeve. »It's nice.«

»Yeah.«

Erwin stood and walked over to his bedroom. When he turned around again, he mustered Levi once more before closing the door.

Levi brought his ear closer to the floor. Beneath them, he could hear a television running. But more importantly, he could hear Erwin's footsteps, echoing all the way back to him. When Levi lifted his head, he heard fabric flop against his mattress, and he knew Erwin was undressing and getting changed. The mere thought made Levi shiver.

All of a sudden, Levi started to feel like an intruder. Erwin had allowed him to be here, but did he want him to be here? No. He'd figured that Levi was a criminal, most likely a murderer, and a human-eating one, as well, but because he was a cop, he felt like he needed to protect the city while also getting the answers he needed.

He needed Levi, but he could also not let him terrorise the city. What a great person you are, Detective Erwin Schmidt.

Why had Levi told him? Why hadn't he stayed in his apartment and waited for them to come? He would've found a way to defend himself, right? And maybe, if he'd pulled himself together, he would've been able to finish the Hunt.

Why hadn't he killed the woman? Why hadn't he just ended it quickly?

Levi didn't notice he was still staring at the door until Erwin opened it, stepping outside in a pair of jeans and a plain t-shirt despite it being seven degrees outside, unnecessarily showing off his toned arms. His ID still dangled from his belt.

Quickly, Levi sat up, rubbing his aching head.

»Ready to go?« Erwin asked, smoothing his neatly combed hair back.

Levi nodded. Even as fearless as Erwin was, he still saw Levi as a threat. Even with all the Mother Teresa bullshit he'd said (that no human actually believed, they were just pretending or forcing themselves to internalise their own lies), they were natural enemies. A human could never accept that there was something far greater than them, something that could possibly exterminate them.

It wasn't entirely their fault, there was an evolutionary component to it, as well. No animal liked competition.

Levi had learnt it through ancient history, but he'd seen it in Erwin's eyes, himself. Once it came to survival, humans were just as much instinctual beings as were ghouls. They didn't have Levi's reflexes, or his senses, or his strength, but they had it, somewhere, deep inside, buried under their social norms and cold politeness.

Erwin definitely had it.

»What?« he asked with his patented pleased-with-himself smile.

»I was wondering,« Levi started off, biting the inside of his lip, »whether it still smelt like kebab in your car.«

His smile dropped. »Just get out.«

•  •  •

»Human?« Puzzlement outlined her features. »Human, as in Erwin and me?«

Levi nodded and watched as all colour drained from her face. For a few seconds, Hange debated with herself whether she was dreaming, but then, she looked over at Erwin, who nodded in agreement.

»Is that what you're here for, Erwin?« she breathed, bewildered. »Is that what you meant when you said you needed a favour?«

Erwin wasn't proud of it, that much Levi could tell. They were standing in a small lecture hall that belonged to the institute. The room was lined with more glass cabinets full of oddities, all sorts of bones and skulls, both human and animal, fractured and unscathed, porous and young.

»He needs it in order to reveal his true form.«

Levi cringed at the term rolling off Erwin's tongue. He noticed that he didn't like humans using their expressions. It felt like Levi had allowed them in, and there was no turning back. He shook his head, that was his undoing.

»So, I can only see the weapon if he ...« Hange followed, Erwin nodded. 

Levi had expected this. All his life, it had been hammered into his mind how humans wouldn't understand, how could they?

And still, it didn't leave him entirely cold when Hange became anxious, all of a sudden. It reminded him of a terrible scene in a corridor, one of his classmates, the boy who used to bully him, and how Levi had gotten his sick revenge, the looks the other kids gave him.

Levi pushed the memory aside.

»I didn't know what to do, and he's here now,« Erwin explained, and Levi could only stand there, submitting to their judgement, what choice did he have? He hadn't been man enough to do it himself.

»How come?« Hange asked towards him now.

Levi straightened himself and remembered to play his part. He explained how humans had a pre-stage of RC-cells in their blood, which were both necessary for formation of the claw but also their source of energy. Since she still appeared sceptical, Levi offered that he would give her a sample of his claw. Humans responded more well to exchange and making contracts than violence, Levi started to feel like.

»You would do that?«

Levi looked up at Erwin, who nodded towards the doctor. »Sure. We're friends.«

»But Levi ... how'd you ...« She trailed off, and Levi knew what she wanted to say, but didn't dare because she was afraid of the answer. But Levi simply told her what he'd said to Erwin. He didn't want to speak of the organisation, so he called it a collective of ghouls, and how they'd crafted a science around synthesising it.

Hange pondered his answer. »You are aware that to create human tissue, you need embryonic stem cells, yes?«

»Yes,« Levi admitted.

»Where do you get embryonic stem cells?«

»The black market. Where there is a demand, there's always supply.«

»I see.« Hange was still pale as a sheet. »That is ... scary.«

It was the morally superior solution, Levi figured. But the actual reason why the PPO had researched on that matter for so long, was of course that it was safer. However, Levi realised he shouldn't mention this particular detail.

»It's still the better option, from a moral point of view.«

Hange compressed her lips into a thin line. »Unless you could consume flesh that ... was already dead.«

»Exactly,« Levi replied.

The doctor stood, setting down her glasses and rubbing her eyes single-handedly. »I need to think about this,« she muttered more to herself, heading back outside to the corridor where they came from.

Erwin signalled Levi to stay where he was and followed after her. »Hange.«

»Erwin, you're asking too much,« she accused, turning away from him. »Why are you putting this on me?«

»How could I have possibly known?« He nodded his head to the side. »Also, I knew you would be excited about this, as well, so I wanted to let you in. I never guessed that ...«

»I thought this was about us discovering a new species, not ...«

»I know,« he sighed. »I'm ... not happy with this, as well.« He bit the inside of his cheek, locking eyes with her. With worry, he added, »But I can't risk that he tries ... a different way.«

»I know,« she brought out.

Silence took over as Hange was making her decision. She undid her messy bun, taking out the hair clip before tightening her brown strands with her hand again, pulling them into a clean ponytail.

»It's an emergency, right?«

His chest tightened with guilt, because he knew he was asking too much. Erwin nodded.

Then, she finally looked up, all signs of uncertainty wiped out. »Okay, let's do this.«

Hange went back to the lab and called Moblit over, giving him the day off. »We're almost done with Mr. Wolf anyways. And if I need help, I'll ask the detectives.«

»Well, okay,« he muttered, and Erwin knew for a fact that Moblit wouldn't say no to a day off from Hange's twisted humour.

Hange led Levi to a body that had presumably belonged to the agent, Fragon Wolf, as she'd mentioned before, otherwise he wouldn't be recognisable. Levi immediately recognised the smell. Bitter, pungent, wrong.

»That's ghoul flesh. I cannot eat ghoul flesh.«

Hange frowned. »What's the difference?«

Eating ghoul flesh was strictly forbidden. It could increase your physical abilities, but the PPO and its members frowned upon manipulating your strength with unfair and unnecessarily cruel means. And more importantly, Levi knew the tales of people who'd gone crazy after regularly consuming ghoul meat. How the RC-cells started to overpopulate their every part, how their body became one with their claw, how they couldn't think clearly anymore, constantly drunk on bloodlust. It was the scariest thing Levi could think of.

A handful of times, Levi had lost control over himself, and he'd hurt people, unable to remember what he'd done, afterwards. No one could ever force him to give up even more, only for strength.

Apart from that, ghoul flesh was not as filling. And it tasted bitter, some said. Levi would know.

»I cannot eat ghoul flesh,« Levi insisted, and he wouldn't eat a single piece of it, even if it was the only edible thing in the world left. »It's not good for me. I ... I don't digest it very well.«

»So, you're picky now, too?«

»I cannot eat it, I cannot eat my own kind, I'm not an animal,« Levi said now with a certain urgency, which made Hange's eyes widen.

»Okay, okay! It's fine, this wasn't for you, anyways,« she muttered. »Well, let's see.«

As Hange walked over to the other side of the room and opened another container, looking for a more suitable option, Erwin leaned toward him. »You okay?« he asked quietly.

»Yeah. I ... yeah.«

Erwin nodded.

Since Moblit wasn't there to help, Erwin helped her with the removal of the insides of a different body. Every now and then, the doctor mumbled, »For science« as though reassuring herself.

Levi was a little impressed with how Erwin and Hange ignored their inner moral dilemma. But then also, humans were quick to compromise their morals when they wanted something. They both wanted information, knowledge. It was the one thing humanity could not resist: Their endless curiosity.

After Erwin had placed some of the partly intact entrails in a blue plastic bag, Hange pulled off her latex gloves and sat down, wiping sweat off her forehead.

»You know who'd be a better contact?« She suggested, »A morgue.«

»I don't have friends at the morgue,« Erwin argued and closed the bag. It was cold and oddly heavy, so he set it down on the counter so he wouldn't have to touch it. He was used to seeing blood and corpses, but this surpassed his responsibility.

Still distracted, Hange followed, »This is only makeshift.«

»I know.«

It was silent in the lab for a moment.

»You have been oddly quiet, little man,« Hange said towards Levi, who'd decided he should not intervene. Even with how careless he was, he knew it wasn't his place.

»I understand why this is such a big deal for you,« he started off. »But I wish it wasn't.«

Hange nodded respectfully. »Just remember our deal,« she insisted. »And you,« she addressed Erwin, »remember, we have a date tomorrow.«

»What?«

»Pieck, you, and I. And Moblit.«

Their sudden casualty allowed Levi to relax a little. He didn't notice he'd tensed up all this time.

»Oh shoot, I totally forgot about that.«

»Remember to pick me up.«

»You're going on a date?« Levi wondered. He wasn't quite familiar with dating because most of his relationships had been rather casual. He liked to keep things uncomplicated, and with his former, strict timetable, there was only little time for something as indulgent as romance.

»Hange's going, I am not,« Erwin corrected.

»So, there are two women involved, and you're not interested in either of them?«

Erwin shook his head.

»Ah, I see. You're gay.«

»What?«

»I should've guessed. Because of all the gel.«

»What's up with you guys and the gel?« Erwin muttered, reaching for his blonde strands.

Levi halted. »You're getting defensive. That leads me to believe that you haven't told anyone.« He pointed at Hange. »Besides her. Correct?«

Since Erwin fell quiet, Levi said, »You're a gay cop. And you're scared that your little cop friends will make fun of you if you tell them.«

»Woah. You are so blunt,« Hange remarked, and when Erwin sent her a foul glance, turned away like she'd barged in on something. »Sorry.«

»They wouldn't ... It's not like they have a problem with it, I just don't know if that ... changes the way they perceive me.«

Levi snorted. »That's interesting.«

All of a sudden, he wondered what he could do with this information. Was that what Erwin was scared of? Judgement? Losing his job? Endangering his career? No. What was it? What was Erwin's weakness? Levi desperately wanted to know.

It was baffling. Erwin was not afraid of Levi, his twisted nature, his strength, but something as simple as that, the mere casualty of what his love life consisted of, could make him flustered?

How old was Erwin? Maybe twenty-five, twenty-seven? Shouldn't a man his age have already come to terms with this?

»I'm not keeping it a secret or anything, I just don't really mention it, and I ... dodge the subject sometimes ...« Erwin trailed off, considering how that came out, as though realising that yes, indeed, he was keeping it a secret.

It had started during his training, where he had usually avoided the matter to not make the others uncomfortable, and since he'd continued to work with so many of them, even years after, it was just hard to bring it up again.

Erwin averted his gaze. »My private life is none of your business, anyway.«

»Okay,« Levi said. If it actually bothered Erwin, he figured he shouldn't dwell on the subject. He wouldn't get an explanation out of him, anyway.

But boy, was Levi now excited to know. Maybe he wasn't free from curiosity, after all.

Erwin turned on him and addressed Hange, telling her, »I need to go to the doctor first,« ignoring Levi totally now.

»I noticed your limp. What's up?«

»Lindsay Lohan here got her nail broken off,« Levi jumped in, to which Erwin rolled his eyes at him.

»Was that a remark toward my sexuality?«

»It was a remark toward your awful personality,« Levi corrected, seemingly amused. »But for the record, this is the first thing that we actually have in common.«

Upon hearing that, Erwin looked more conciliable.

After getting back to Erwin's car, he turned to Levi one more time, asking, »Did you never have ... trouble because of ...«

»The organisation cares shit about what I'm attracted to. It's only you humans who obsess over these sorts of things.«

Since Erwin didn't say anything else, Levi added, »I understand why it exists, I've learnt all about it. But it's still so odd to me.«

»Really?«

»Yeah.«

Seeing Erwin genuinely overthink this, Levi felt a twinge to his chest. Maybe he didn't have to say it out loud.

»I didn't intend to call you out like that,« he started off. »I was just curious.«

»Okay. Fine.«

»No, it was unnecessary.«

»I don't care, Levi,« he said, more emphatically now, and that was how Levi knew he was lying.

When Erwin pushed the clutch, he squeezed his eyes shut in pain. Levi only noticed now. »I can walk.«

»No, I'll drive you,« Erwin insisted, starting the car.

»You said you needed to see the doctor.«

Forcing his face to rest, he locked eyes with Levi again, a treacherous smile playing upon his lips. »I will survive.«

•  •  •

When Levi turned around, he found that a few students had gathered behind him, watching the scene with disturbed expressions. Others remained indifferent, passing by without paying any attention to him, pretending to not see the body, but he could smell the fear hanging in the air, cold sweat mixing with thick iron.

A moment before, Daniel had stood in front of him, cracking jokes like he always did, and now, he lied there, in front of him, his head stuck between the door and its frame. Parts of his skull were cracked inwards, and blood spilled from his ears, his brain, mingling with his hair and streaming down his neck.

Levi pushed himself off the ground, staring at him, trying to comprehend what happened, or rather, what he'd done. It was only now that he noticed that his claw was pooling from his back, as it was slowly sliding back into his body. He'd never used it in combat, only once, because it was necessary. Since then, he'd been afraid.

Using his claw, he must've repeatedly hit his head with the door until the insides of his head turned into mush. There was no other explanation. But why would he do that?

Levi tried to recall the prior moments. He remembered entering the bathroom and seeing him, but he was not in the mood to put up with his shit today. So, as he made his comments, Levi had just ignored him. Those idiots Daniel called his friends hadn't been there, so Levi had felt particularly powerful.

Since Daniel couldn't get a reaction out of him, he went for the one thing that Levi just could not bear: His mother. Levi didn't even quite remember what it was he'd said, something about her being an Outcast, a traitor, and Levi was the shameful miscarriage that had brought it upon her.

It had coloured his vision black, all black, and now he was dead.

A strong hand on his upper arm pulled him away from the body. »Ow, ow!« Levi cried. »Stop that!«

»Get up,« the voice belonging to the arm demanded, forcing him onto his shaking knees. Once Levi looked up, he realised it was the coach. »By ›humiliate‹, I didn't mean that, Ackermann.«

»I'm sorry,« Levi muttered, but this creature inside him, he could feel its quiet joy, enthusiasm for their most recent triumph, while his heart ached, beating painfully against his ribcage.

Shadis narrowed his eyes at him. »You got what you wanted, didn't you?«

Levi looked around, and in an immediate, the other students lowered their eyes beneath his, turning away, hurrying away from the scene. This was on him, all him.

Shadis tightened his grip around Levi's arm and dragged him down the corridor, away from the audience. »You're hurting me!«

»Quiet!« he ordered, and Levi obeyed, because he knew all resistance was pointless. Tears rose to his eyes as he stumbled after him and the air became thicker, pressure resting on Levi's lungs. He'd hoped that Shadis would scold him, but he didn't. The walk to the office of the Chief was quiet, and Levi didn't dare speak, because he knew he'd disappointed him.

The Chief was a stern, middle-aged man with eyes as dark as the night and a vein for sadism when it came to thinking of punishments. Once, after Levi had talked back as he used to with his mother, he'd sent him to the high bar and ordered him to hang there with his head down for »until I say so« while the other children continued their practice and made fun of him. But at least the Chief had told the kids that they were not allowed to call him »Outcast« or »traitor«.

The Chief gave Levi a long speech about the meaning of life of ghoulkind, and worse than the punishments themselves were always his speeches. Because until he was finished, Levi would never know what was coming for him, and he could only wait and wait and wait, and since there was nothing else to do but to listen, he simply did that, listen, phase out for a moment, avoid his gaze, listen, look him in the eye for a millisecond so he didn't notice that Levi had phased out for a moment, then look down again and listen, listen for half an hour, or longer if the Chief was specifically excited to hear his own voice for so long.

And whenever he asked a question, Levi did not know if he was supposed to answer, because if he didn't say anything, the Chief thought that he simply didn't care, but if he opened his mouth, the Chief said, »Quiet.«

»You clearly do not understand the value of one of Our lives. He was of Us, Cadet Ackermann. How could you?«

The Chief made a long, dramatic pause, and Levi felt like he was supposed to say something now. »I ... I don't understand either, Chief.«

A knock at the door made the three look up, and a man came in, delivering something in a small, blue towel. He set it down on the desk, and the Chief nodded at him, waiting for the stranger to leave the room again.

»There it is.«

The Chief unwrapped the small towel. Between the fabric sat an eyeball the size of marble, an odd resemblance with the ones Daniel owned.

»This is your victim's left eye. You kindly spared it, it's still intact.«

Levi stared back at it, the blue iris tinged in red turned accusingly towards him.

»Eat it.«

Levi halted, staring at him in disbelief.

»Chief,« Shadis interrupted.

»Did you hear?« The man turned towards Shadis. »Did he hear, Keith?«

Hesitant, Shadis asked, »Cadet Ackermann, did you hear?«

»Eat ... it?« Levi asked once more, with the tiniest, fearful voice he could've possibly formed.

»So, you did hear.«

»Chief, this is my fault. I told him he should get back at the boy.«

»I don't care. What kind of animal just kills their own kind?«

»I take responsibility─«

»Did you kill the kid, Shadis? Because I'm pretty sure it was the brat right here.« His black eyes darted in Levi's direction again. »Eat it, Cadet Ackermann.«

»B-but why?«

»Because I am ordering you.«

Levi fell to his knees, pressing his forehead against the floor. »I-I-I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't h-have ...«

»I don't have the patience for this.«

With a deep sigh, Shadis grabbed Levi by his upper arm and pulled him back onto the seat. »Come on, boy, let's get this over with,« he told him, sounding exhausted.

Before he moved away, Shadis reminded him, »Remember: You're only as strong as your will.«

Levi looked up at him and thought, he had to prove it to him. All of a sudden, he felt so embarrassed, crying and collapsing like a baby. He had to show him. That he wasn't weak, he could be so much better.

When Levi finally reached for the eye, it almost slipped out of his hand. He found that the sclera was oddly soft and firm at the same time, slick, but somewhat elastic. Like a fish egg. It was also heavier and less slimy than he expected.

As Levi brought it to his mouth, Shadis averted his gaze, staring at a point behind him.

All of a sudden, a gag overcame him, but his stomach was empty, there was nothing Levi could throw up.

»I'll count to three.«

Levi took a deep breath and stuffed the eye into his mouth. It was too big to swallow it in one go, so he chewed, and just as he'd suspected, it was tough and leathery, his teeth squeaking as his larynx protested heavily, all sorts of reflexes trying to push it out of his mouth. But he kept chewing and chewing with tears burning in his eyes, don't hesitate, don't hesitate, don't hesitate, until it was hackled enough to swallow.

Still somewhat in once piece, Levi gulped with all the force he could bring up. He immediately felt a cough building up in his throat, but he knew if he allowed it, he would throw it up.

For an entire minute, the man waited, as though hoping Levi would fold, after all, which he didn't. Less than an entire eye Levi would be able to eat his own vomit, and he had a feeling this would be his punishment if he didn't keep it down there, where it was.

»Very well,« the man said, almost disappointed. »Have you learnt your lesson?«

Levi nodded. He couldn't speak.

»You are dismissed.«

Before leaving the office, Shadis asked him to wait in front for a few minutes. Even with the silence in the corridors, now that all the kids had returned to their classes, Levi could not possibly make out what his coach and the Chief were discussing behind closed doors.

So, Levi waited, and since he had nothing else to do, lifted his shirt to clean his tongue with the dark fabric. He regretted it immediately afterwards, because it almost made him retch. But he did well. He knew it. Or so he figured. Overall, he was just glad he hadn't barfed.

Soon, the coach joined him outside and walked him down the corridor. »If you want to go to a bathroom ...«

»I don't need to,« Levi cut him off, determined.

»Are you sure?«

»Yes.«

Since Shadis had still not commented on his performance, Levi started to become itchy, fidgeting with his now unclean shirt. »Are you proud of me?« Levi asked with anticipation.

Shadis finally made eye contact, but he looked at him with something akin to sympathy, which Levi didn't notice. He was too happy over his triumph. But he wanted to hear it from the coach, as well. That he was better, stronger than before. However, he didn't say anything.

»I didn't throw up. Not even a little bit,« Levi explained, as though Shadis wouldn't understand what he was talking about.

Shadis compressed his lips into a thin line. »You did well, kiddo.«

Levi felt so, so good all of a sudden. He forgot about the bitter taste in his mouth, the pain in his stomach, the tears still drying on his face, all that mattered was that he'd proved it. He could be better, he could be stronger.

»But what you did was still wrong.«

Levi remained quiet, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Shadis watched him with a certain distance as they walked down the corridor. »When you hurt that boy, I was also afraid of you, you know?«

Startled, Levi opened his mouth to argue with him, but another peculiar sentiment held him back. His words had caused him an unexpected feeling of discomfort he'd never experienced before. There was a twinge to his heart, like a hand clenching it, though he wasn't particularly angry at him. Levi felt ... hurt.

»You don't need anyone to be afraid of you. Understood?«

»Understood.«

Hesitantly, he patted him on the head. »Good.«