V A N

"Gago. Ang weird ng kuya mo ngayon, Adi," pag-asar ni Gab habang siniko ang tagiliran ni Adi.

"I can hear you, you know," sagot ko habang nakaupo sa sofa ng bahay ni Gab, hawak-hawak ang isang bucket ng munchkin na pinabili ko kay Adi. Naintindihan ko kung bakit nasabi iyon ni Gab. Hindi naman talaga ako gano'n kahilig kumain ng munchkin. Sadyang marami lang akong iniisip kaya ito ako ngayon. 

How I wished Liv knew what her effect was on people. It had been days since she last confessed that she still had feelings for me and since I admitted I had one for her, too. This was the part in the movies where the leads get together, wasn't it? It only made me realize everything was fiction. If that was the case, then we would've been together already. Just as how it had been days since our confession, it had also been days since our last interaction. 

 "E, pa'no ba naman Kuya Gab, iniiwasan ng crush niya," sambit ni Adi nang ibaba ang mga pinamili niyang pagkain para kay Gab. Binilin kasi sa 'min ng kanyang nanay na bigyan ng pagkain si Gab at hindi na raw nakakakain nang maayos. 

"It's more than a crush, Adi," ani ko bago isubo ang isa pang munchkin. It was more than a crush, without a question. Gaya nga ng sabi ni Adi, ang crush ay paghanga. Bagama't totoo na may paghanga ako kay Liv, masasabi kong mayroon pa akong nararamdaman na higit pa roon.

Lumingon si Gab kay Adi, tila hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi ko. Bakas ang kanyang gulat sa nanlalaki niyang mata at nakaawang na bibig. "Si Van? May nagugustuhan? Nananaginip ba ako?"

Patuloy ako sa pagkain ng munchkin habang ikinukuwento ni Adi lahat ng detalye kay Gab. Nakatulala lang ako sa ere, nag-iisip kung kailan ko ba uli makikita si Liv. Minsa'y 'di na ako makatulong nang maayos kakaisip kung ano bang puwede kong gawin para pansinin niya ako. Ngunit nakalipas ang dalawang linggo ay wala pa ring progreso. 

Bumusina ako sa tapat ng apartment ni Adi para ipaalam na narito na ako. Ngayong araw ang aming byahe pauwi ng probinsya. Bakasyon na rin naman at wala akong gagawin sa bahay. Subukan ko mang mag-aral ay wala ring papasok sa utak ko dahil 'di maalis sa isip ko si Liv.

Matapos ang ilang minuto ay bumaba na rin si Adi, bitbit ang kanyang backpack at isang malaking maleta. Ilang linggo lang naman kami roon, hanggang matapos lang ang bakasyon namin. Pero kung makaimpake ng gamit si Adi, akala mo buong taon titira kina Mama. 

Nang mailagay na ni Adi sa likod ng kotse ang kanyang mga gamit ay pumasok na siya't umupo sa may shotgun seat. 

"Seatbelt," pagpapaalala ko sa kanya. I heard her mumble something as she did what I told her.

Binuksan ko na ang makina para makaalis nang maaga. Kinabukasan kasi ay may reunion pa kaming pupuntahan. Gusto ko sanang hindi sumama ngunit pinilit ako ni Mama dahil ilang taon ko na raw hindi nakita ang aking mga kamag-anak. Hindi ko rin naman sila close kaya paniguradong mababagot ako roon.

Kalagitnaan ng byahe ay biglang nagsalita si Adi. "Oh, nasabi ko na ba sa 'yo?"

"Ang alin?" tanong ko habang tinulak ang preno nang maging pula ang traffic light.

Nang humarap sa 'kin si Adi ay lumingon din ako sa kanya. "Liv is coming to our province. Nagpapagawa yata si Ate Giovann ng bahay roon." 

Parang nasamid ako sa sarili kong laway ng marinig ko 'yon. She's coming? That thought alone made me daydream of the possible encounters we could have if we did meet. If and only if she wouldn't ignore me. 

"Oh? Ba't 'di ka makasalita?" Kita kong sumasayaw sa kanyang labi ang ngisi nang mang-asar si Adi. Napansin niyang natahimik ako matapos sabihin 'yon. Hindi rin ako makahanap ng tamang salitang sasabihin para ro'n. Good for them? Okay? Yehey?

Muli kong sinimulang iandar ang kotse no'ng naging berde ang ilaw. "Do I have to say something?" 

Adi shrugged her shoulders and turned her face away from me. "I don't know. Say 'yehey!' I guess." 

"Kahit na natutuwa akong dadalo siya, I won't say that, Adi."

"So, inaamin mong masaya ka?"

"Oh, shut up."

She let out a short chuckle from my remark. "You're so simple. Anyway, matutulog na ako. Gisingin mo na lang ako kung kakain na," utos niya habang sinusuot ang neck pillow para roon siya sumandal. 

"Kung mag-alarm ka na lang kaya?" 

Napadilat ang kanyang mata at tumingin sa 'kin. "Why would I need that kung nandyan ka naman?" Nang hindi na ako sumagot ay bumalik na siya sa pagtulog.

Arguing with Adi was pointless, especially if the topic we were talking about is not even worth the argument. It was too childish. 

"We're here," I announced, shaking her shoulder to wake her up. It took us almost the same time to arrive in our province. The only difference was there wasn't any traffic by the time we traveled.

Adi was awakened by my touch, her eyes struggling to open them wide as sunlight met them. "Hala, 'di na tayo kumain?" she asked, followed by the loud grumble her stomach made. 

"May hinanda naman sina Mama. Kain na lang tayo pagpasok," I said. Gano'n naman lagi rito tuwing umuuwi kami. Alam kasi nilang hindi ako humihinto sa mga kainan dahil gusto kong deretso lang ang byahe. 

Lumabas na kami ng kotse at kinuha ang mga gamit sa loob nang biglang bumukas ang pinto ng aming bahay. Kita ko ang saya sa kumikinang na mga mata ni Mama no'ng nakita niya kami. It warmed my heart that every time we went home, her expression never changes. I was always reminded that this is home. With them.

Mabilis natapos ang araw ng aming pagdating. Hindi ko na namalayang araw na ng reunion namin. 

Groaning, I dragged myself out of my bed. Formal events like that never suited me. Kung p'wede ko lang uli kumbinsihin si Mama na maiwan, gagawin ko. Ngunit ayaw ko naman sirain ang araw na 'to para sa kanya. Alam ko kung gaano kaimportante kay Mama ang pagkita niya sa kanyang mga kamag-anak. Just as how much I value my relationship with my family, she did, too.

"Morning," I greeted Adi and my dad who were already seated in the dining area, with Mama preparing a light breakfast for us. They all turned to face me with surprised looks. What's wrong?

"First time mo yatang gumising nang maaga, nak," sabi ni Papa na nakaupo sa tabi ni Adi. Is it my first time? Tumingin ako sa orasan sa aming dingding para tingnan kung anong oras na. Ala-sinko pa lang ng umaga. He was right; it was too early. I never wake up this time of the day unless I had classes to attend.

Umupo ako sa upuan na katapat kay Adi. "Maaga lang po ako natulog kagabi," paliwanag ko kahit hindi naman ako sigurado kung iyon ang dahilan.

"Nagpupuyat kaya yan si kuya, Dy. Wala lang kasi siyang ka-late night talk ngayon," pag-asar sa 'kin ni Adi. Knowing how the conversation would turn to, I looked at Adi dead in the eyes. I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell my parents about Liv. Heck, we weren't even dating.

Yet.

Adi stared back, pulling a mocking expression on her face. It seemed like it had piqued Papa's interest as he also looked at me, his eyes telling me to elaborate on what Adi had just said. "'Wag po kayong maniwala sa sabi-sabi ni Adi, Pa," paliwanag ko.

"I wouldn't be surprised kung may girlfriend ka na, anak. Sa gwapo mong 'yan, walang magkakagusto sa 'yo? Nakakainsulto naman sa genes namin ng mama mo kung wala, a!" 

"Dy, 'di ka sure na walang nagkakagusto kay kuya," saad ni Adi habang kinindatan ako. Mahina kong sinipa ang binti ni Adi para matahimik siya.

"Shut up," I mouthed. 

After breakfast and the endless persistence of Papa to make me tell them about Liv, we immediately get ready for the reunion. I dressed up casually, just a polo shirt tucked in a trouser. After changing, I picked up my watch before going outside. Kita kong ready na rin sila kaya nama'y dumeretso na kami sa kotse.

Pagkarating namin sa bahay ng aking tita kung saan gaganapin ang reunion, natanto kong halos lahat ay narito na. Nagsidagsaan ang aking mg pinsan, lolo't lola, at mga iba pang kamag-anak na hindi ko mamukhaan. 

I exchanged pleasantries with most of my grandparents whom I hadn't seen for years. As expected, they asked me how life had been, especially they also heard what happened back then. They were also curious if I already had a girlfriend. It boggled me how every time we meet, that was what they always say. Typical relatives, I guess.

Humiwalay na sa 'min si Adi para makipagkuwentuhan sa mga pinsan naming kaedad niya. It somehow made me jealous of how Adi was close with my cousins. We had some interactions, here and there, but it never got to a point where we shared deep conversations with each other.

"Boring, no?" I heard a voice whisper beside me as I was sitting, busy watching over my younger cousins. I turned my head to my side, facing the person that said that. It was my other cousin, whom I forgot the name of. I only knew he was around my age.

"Sino ka uli?" I bluntly asked, hoping I didn't offend him. He responded with a snicker which made me sigh in relief. Okay, maybe he wasn't offended.

"You never change. 'Yan din ang sabi mo sa 'kin noon no'ng huli nating pagkikita." He extended his hand, waiting for me to shake it. "It's me, Tyrus. 'Yung kasama mong maglaro sa treehouse nina Lola noon, remember?  Nabungi pa nga ako dahil sa 'yo kasi aksidente mo kong natulak." I did remember something like that happened.

Maybe the reunion wasn't too boring thanks to Tyrus, even if all we did was talk. He had substance in every conversation, and weirdly enough, I was comfortable around him.

Tyrus was called by his mother to do something so I was left alone. Having nothing to do, I stood up from my seat, walked where Mama was, and asked if I could go home. It took me by surprise how she allowed me to, saying I had already met up with most of my relatives. With her permission, I made my sally out of the house after I left my car keys with Papa.

Sa aking paglalakad, bigla kong naalala ang sinabi sa 'kin ni Adi kahapon. Bigla kong naalala na narito rin si Liv. O papunta pa lang? Wala kasing sinabi si Adi kung kailan sila pupunta ngunit umasa akong nakapunta na sila.

Gustong gusto ko na siya makita.

May kalayuan ang bahay ng aking tita sa among bahay kaya naisipan kong dumaan sa shortcut para mapabilis. Hindi ko na yata kaya na maglakad pa at gusto ko na lang humilata buong araw.

Nakarating ako sa bahay nang mabilis ngunit hindi ko mabuksan ang aming gate dahil may nakaharang na dalawang lalaking nag-aaway. Base sa kanilang nangangatog na pagtayo, posibleng lasing ang dalawang 'to.

Tumingin ako sa ibang bahay para makita kung may ibang taong p'wedeng tumulong sa pag-awat sa kanilang dalawa ngunit wala akong nakita.

"Aba'y gago ka pala, e. Ikaw na nga 'tong nangutang, ikaw pa ang galit pag siningil. Sa'n utak mo tol?" galit ng pagsabi ng isa, mga kamaong nakahanda para manuntok.

"Ilang ulit pa ba para pumasok sa isip mo na hindi ko pa mababayaran? Ang kulit mo rin, e! Kita mong wala pa akong pera!" giit naman ng isa.

Sa dinami-dami ng lugar para mag-away, sa harap pa ng aming bahay? Pambihira.

Things had escalated quite fast and the next thing I knew, they were swinging punches at each other. I couldn't leave them be and cause a ruckus in this place. So I stepped in between them, grabbing one of the guy's fists to stop attacking the other.

"'Wag kang makisawsaw sa usapan namin, pre. Away namin 'to." sabi no'ng naniningil nang itulak ko siya palayo.

"It would be none of my business if you handled your matters privately. Kailangan bang sa kalsada kayo mag-away at sa tapat pa ng bahay ko?" sagot ko, ang boses kong unti-unting tumataas. I bawled my fist, preventing my fuel my anger that was building.

"Gago ka rin pala, e!" sigaw niya. It seemed like the only resort he had was to punch people he deemed irritating as his knuckles met my cheeks. Fuck, that hurt.

Before the situation had turned into a fight, a screeching whistle echoed the place. May tumawag yata ng tanod dahil sa kanya galing ang pitong iyon. Nang nakita ng dalawa ang tanod ay agad silang umalis. "Hindi pa tayo tapos," huling sabi ng isa sa kanyang sinisingil.

Papasok na sana ako sa gate nang marinig ko ang boses na ilang linggo kong hinahanap.

"Van!"

There she was, running toward my direction with her brows furrowed and lips in a frown. She stopped in front of me, cupping my cheeks as she asked me if I was okay.

If only she knew that the moment I saw her, I was more than okay.

Instead of replying to her question, I asked, "What are you doing here?" Not that I was complaining.

"I-I called the tanod. I was supposed to be visiting Adi but then I found those two. Kanina pa kasi sila nag-aaway," she replied, still wearing the same expression on her face. "But that's not important right now. Are you okay? Does it hurt?" she added, brushing the part of my face that was punched.

I grabbed her hands, with each of mine taking hers. I shook my head. "Hindi naman gaano." Of course, that was a lie, but I didn't want to worry her.

I hadn't noticed that our hands were still intertwined until she slowly looked at it. As much as I wanted to hold her hand forever, I let it go. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

"I-uhm-Adi's coming home. You can stay at our house for a while if you want." That was a lie, too. I wasn't sure if they were going home soon but I couldn't waste this opportunity to be alone with her. "Coffee?" I offered.

Surprisingly, she said yes.

Pinauna ko siyang pumasok sa loob ng bahay. "Stay here," ani ko habang tinuturo ang sofa sa sala. Mabilis akong naglakad papuntang kusina para magtimpla ng kapeng iinumin namin. 

"Here." Binaba ko sa coffee table sa tapat ng sofa ang coaster at pinatong ang aming mga baso. "It's quite hot," I warned her.

She took the mug in front of her and mumbled a little 'thanks'. As she took a sip of her coffee, I found myself staring. God, she's beautiful kahit walang ginagawa.

I averted my eyes and took a sip of mine too when she noticed my eyes were on her. I shook my head, trying not to think of her too much. 

Fuck, this is awkward. Now what?

I cleared my throat and started a conversation. "Adi told me na nagpapagawa kayo ng bahay dito. How is it going?" I asked. Wala akong maisip na puwedeng pag-usapan. Yon ang unang pumasok sa isip ko. 

Binaba niya ang kanyang tasa at pinatong sa coaster. "Small progress. Katatapos lang ng base kaya gano'n," she briefly answered. 

I nodded my head, taking another sip of my coffee even if my mug was already empty. "Sa'n banda?" I may or may not be curious kung malapit ba ang bahay nila sa 'min. You couldn't blame me for wanting to see the person I'm in love with frequently. 

"It's actually around here. Mga 15 minutes away sa bahay niyo," she replied the answer I wanted to hear.

I nodded my head once more. Good.

"Good?" she asked. Did I say that out loud? Fuck.

"I mean, good for you. Medyo mahirap humanap ng space banda rito," palusot ko. It was a nice save, wasn't it?

"Hmm...We found it easy though?" Maybe it wasn't.

Nilapag ko ang aking tasa sa lamesa dahil wala ring use ang pagpanggap ko na may iniinom pa ako. Naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ng sofa, kasabay ng pagharap ng katawan ni Liv sa 'kin. 

"About the last text I sent you..." panimula niya. I have been waiting for us to talk about what happened so I could clear things up. "You can forget that."

"I know your heart has no room for love and I have accepted that. It's just that, I couldn't help but be in love with you. I-uhm-I don't know if I can act the same way around you but I'll try not to make things awkward," pagtuloy niya.

No. This wasn't what I wanted her to say. Ano 'to, back to zero uli kami? Kung kailan malapit na kami sa isa't isa? Parang tinamaan ako ng palaso sa puso ko no'ng narinig ko 'yon.

"Uhm...I think I have to go. I'll just text Adi so we can meet another day. Thank you for the coffee, though," pagbati niya bago tumayo at tinapik nang mahina ang aking balikat. I needed to do something. It felt like she was slowly slipping away from my reach and I didn't want that. 

Before she could walk any farther, I grabbed her hand to halt her steps. As she stopped, I stood up and placed my head on her back. "Don't leave yet," I whispered, closing my eyes. Please. The last thing I wanted to do was to let go of this hand that was perfectly molded into mine. As if it was made for me.

I retracted my head and let go of her hand as I sensed her body turning to face me, wearing a pained expression on her face. "There you go again, Van. I told you to stop leading me on," she said, her voice soft and gentle. 

"I-I can't do this. You should really stop acting like this," aniya, habang naglakad palayo sa 'kin. 

"Acting like what?" tanong ko habang pilit na hinahabol siya.

"Acting like I'm not just your friend! Gosh, Van! Why can't you see that?" she exclaimed. It was the first time I heard her raise her voice at me. Or at anyone, ever. 

"I'm tired of assuming things so I need you to tell me. Honestly. What do you feel about me?" she asked, the inner corner of her brows angled up. It was now or never. I had to tell her everything before I lose this chance. Before I lose her. 

After a long pause of thinking about the words I should say, I finally answered. "You said my heart has no room for love. That's when you're wrong. The truth is, you have already occupied it."

Her brows rested with my confession. Surprise was clear in her eyes the moment she realized I also felt the same as her. 

I stepped closer to her. "You have my heart, Liv. All of it." 

She crossed her arms as she answered. "Are you only saying that because I told you I like you still?"

I shook my head. "No. I already have feelings for you ever since we became close and not just because you confessed again. I was just...not sure whether what my feelings for you were called. I even asked Adi about this. I have never experienced what love feels like. I don't even have the time for that, but when it comes to you...every second without you feels like hell."

She looked me in the eyes; it was quite confusing what she was thinking about. Though, it caught me off guard when her lips curled upwards. "You asked Adi for advice?" tanong niya na parang 'yon lang ang tumatak sa kanyang utak. "That's cute."

Feeling embarrassed, I pulled my gaze away from her. "Oh, shut up. I had to confirm..." I mumbled, earning a heavenly chuckle from her. 

I heard her walking forward, and when I felt like she was only inches away from me, I turn my eyes back to her. "Say it again," she whispered. "Say what you feel for me. I have been longing to hear that from you."

I leaned my face close to hers, then went near her ear. "I'm in love with you, Felicia."

And soon after, I felt a pair of arms wrap around my neck, her head nuzzling on the side of it. My finger found their way to her waist, pulling her closer to me. Waves of emotions I couldn't decipher flowed inside of me. I had never felt this way before because of a single hug. 

"The amount of butterflies I have right now is indescribable," she murmured softly. 

I nuzzled my face on her neck, replying, "Mine's already a zoo."

I heard her let out a short giggle, still pulling me into a hug. "Sigurado ka na ba sa 'kin? Even if the odds are against us?" she whispered, her breath brushing against my neck. She pulled away and bore her eyes onto mine. "You know what I mean, right?"

I knew exactly what she was referring to, and truth be told, I used to have second thoughts about pursuing Liv. Alam kong sa umpisa palang ay may tutuol na sa 'min. Natatakot ako na sa unang beses kong magmahal ay may kapalit na sakit. But what is love when there's no pain? 

With her in my arms, my mind was clear. My confession came with commitment. I was ready to give everything I could just to be with her; it scared me a little. 

Brushing a strand of her hair away from her face, I replied.

"We'll fight the odds together. I don't ever want to let you go."

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