I always hated arguing, especially when it was obvious that I was the cause.

My head was pounding against every shout that was thrown into the fray, and my heart was melting against my will.

Threats were being thrown my way, but I felt safe behind the boy who stood in me, defending me, protecting me with a single outstretched arm.

My throat was tight, and he made me defenseless when I wasnt at his side.

But he made sure I was never alone, since the moment I met him- made sure I knew there was at least one person who was always on my side.

Who was I to protest such a suffocating force?

And then he was always there. We were always together.

Maybe that's why it hurt so much when, seemingly so suddenly, she was always there. And they were together in ways I could never be with him.

He tried to keep me close, but I knew he would always hold her closer. It wasn't his fault, nor hers. Fate was just cruel.

I couldnt go on dates with him like she could.

I couldnt leave the party early with him, I couldnt return home to cuddles and kisses with him, but she could.

She could, but I could tell that she wouldnt tonight. I knew she wouldnt return to him a second time after this fight.

"Why cant you just tell me what's making you upset? You're making things so dramatic, like you always do."

"I've been telling you how I feel for weeks, but you never fucking listen!"

"That doesnt mean you get to make a scene when we're in public and target my best friend. We're at the fucking homecoming party, Christa, what the heck!"

"I dont care about that, would you just listen to what Im saying?"

It lasted too long, and no one was right.

I wished Clay would move, stop protecting me from everything that I deserved.

I wanted to yell at them both, scream, whisper, but I was frozen, unsure if it was my place to step in.

I couldnt think, I couldnt do anything.

I didnt want the anger, I didnt want the sadness.

In this moment, I didnt even want Clay. I needed to be away.

Jealousy was never my forte, I never quite knew how to embody something so dangerous, something so distasteful. Never quite knew how to project something so nasty onto someone who did nothing but feel.

But her? Well, she knew how to be envious. In each crease of her face, she wanted something I had. Something I would give to her in a moment if I could, so long as she would stop screaming at Clay.

"You told me I didn't have to worry about him! That he would never get in between us!"

"What are you talking about, this isn't his fucking fault!"

But it was, i had torn them apart, their happiness. She was right. It was my fault. I shouldn't have wanted something I shouldn't have.

"- and all of them, everyone told me I was setting myself up for failure, but I didnt want to believe it! I didnt want to believe it because-" she was hyperventilating now. "Because you were supposed to be different. You were supposed to tell me you loved me and mean it!"

"I did mean it, I do! What are you talking about?"

There was silence.

There always was when everyone knew a lie had been spoken.

"If you meant it, then why does it feel like we're over..? If you love me... why do you love him too?"

"He's my best friend, of course I care about him!"

"You know what I mean, Clay." she'd calmed down now, speaking softly, but her voice still wavered. "Please, dont make this more difficult. Please, dont break my heart with a lie. At least do it with the truth. You owe me that much."

"... I really did mean it when I told you I loved you... but I never said I would forever..."

There was silence again, and the air seemed to be trembling, trying to keep the quiet from fracturing.

"How long have you felt this way...?"

"I wanted to tell you, I promise, I just-"

"No." Steely, abrasive, she didnt look heartbroken anymore. Her cold tears looked fearsome now on her unimpressed face.

"Stop acting like you loved me like I loved you. We're done, because I wont commit both of our lives to something that's not real."

She paused, brushing her disheveled honey hair into a tight bun and wiping her cheeks, regaining her composure.

"Dont bother sending me back any of my things, do with them what you want. I never left anything of value with you anyway. But I'm taking the cat."

"But-"

"Goodbye."

I never liked shouting, and I hated arguement that I never meant to be the cause of.

She walked out the door heartbroken now, in confident strides and tears to accompany her, but no one at her side.

No one cared for the unpopular opinion, and that's what I was. 

Maybe that's why I stayed with Clay, with the only thing I really had, the only defense and cure for loneliness. 

I knew no one would be happy to know the way I felt about him, so I would be the unpopular opinion while i was close. 

I could be what everyone hated, so long as he still cared. As long as he still cared, and I was still something to him. 

But, as much as I hated to admit it, I knew Clay. I knew who he was, and it hurt that I would have to be ready to one day walk out the door as the unwanted one that he no longer cared for. 

I knew the time would come, and I knew I wouldnt be able to do it as gracefully as Christa had. I couldnt make it look easy to give up my entire life, not like she could. 

Clay was turning around to look at me now, painfully smiling, and I felt sick. 

And for the first time, I also felt envy.