Desolation: (noun) great unhappiness or loneliness.

Now

Montana

Calum and I were always on the same page when it came to the physicality of our relationship. There was never a time we weren't satisfied with what the other could offer. Or I would like to think he was as satisfied as I was.

But we could never agree on things. As much as I would like to blame our zodiac compatibility we just didn't think the same way. We were too much of our individual selves, lacking the almost twin-like bond good couples seemed to have.

Maybe that's why he kept one of his biggest secrets from me. And why I have kept mine from him. Relationships built on skeletons clatter to the ground at some point. Then we sit amongst our ghosts and pretend love will always find a way to raise us back up.

I try to shake myself out of my own thoughts, making my way downstairs. The staircase leads down to the massive and elegant foyer of Sierra and Luke's house, fresh flowers resting inside a glass vase in the middle. I could hear the soft clank of utensils against plates and hushed voices drifting out from the kitchen. I pass the dining room, stopping under the archway that leads into the kitchen.

I feel a rush of love through my chest, a tender warmth at the sight of all the people I loved gathered around Luke and Sierra's kitchen island eating takeout. It was an extraordinary sight, too perfect to look at for too long, yet so comfortable to me I would stand in that very archway, invisible, watching them go on with their lives without me.

They haven't noticed me yet, and I was grateful because Calum seemed to be saying something he wouldn't say otherwise if he knew I was there.

Sierra and Luke stand on one side of the counter, a heavily pregnant Addy sitting in what looked like an uncomfortable angle, scarfing down food next to Ashton who rubs her back gently. Michael rests his head on his palm, playing with the chopsticks in his other hand.

"I'm going to go down there, see what they want from me. Maybe you can distract her for a few hours? I don't want her to worry."

Sierra looks up from her food to nod her head in agreement and notices me. "Monti."

All their surprised faces turn to me at once. The surprise only lasts a moment before they all school it into smiles. I fold my arms at my chest, suddenly feeling the weight of everything. I stifle it, not letting it control me.

"You guys look like a proper cult." I walk towards the island, situating myself on the stool opposite Calum. Sierra takes three cartons of food out of a paper bag and pushes them towards me.

"Feeling better?" Ashton who is sitting next to me asks, leaning over to give me a brotherly kiss on the forehead when I turn to him with a shrug.

I can sense Luke looking at Calum and me, trying to grasp at the tension between us and probably taking note of the way Calum was intensely staring at his shrimp noodles and avoiding my eyes.

I open a carton with a sigh, nearly losing my balance on the small high chair when the smell of food hits me. I was starving but I could tell they were waiting for me to say something verbally. "I'm okay, but I've been better. I'm trying."

I spoon rice and sweet chicken into my mouth, the sudden taste of flavour numbing the insides of my cheeks momentarily. Sierra always knew the best places to get Chinese food. Bless her heart. She gives me a knowing look from across the island. If only my boyfriend could read my mind as much as my best friend could.

"Gia called." Sierra resorts to changing the subject, "She'll be here in an hour with your manager."

I felt a little better knowing I had Gia, but the thought of talking to my manager was already making me feel exhausted despite having slept most of the day away. "I guess I need to start sorting things out again. The world is waiting."

"The world can wait. We need to keep you safe." Michael points his chopsticks at me.

I look around at them. "That's the thing though, isn't it? We don't know what we're trying to protect ourselves from." I divert my eyes to Calum, staring at him till he looks up at me.

"I'll figure it out, okay? I told you." He takes a sip of water, a nervous gesture. He didn't know what he was getting himself into either. He's only trying to be brave for the both of us.

"What am I supposed to do till then?"

"Lay low. Have someone with you at all times." Luke says, more like an order than a suggestion.

"So a bodyguard?" I regret the heavy sarcasm in my tone almost immediately. They were trying. My anger was unnecessary, but it was still there nonetheless, standing on my chest like an iron fist that wouldn't budge.

Addy breathes heavily, "You're going to be okay." I hate to tell her that all this reassurance was falling on deaf ears so I simply nod, pushing away the cartons of food I suddenly have no appetite for.

Luke turns to Calum, piling his cartons on top of Sierra's empty ones to throw away. "I'm going back to the station to see if they have any updates and it's assembly day at the centre. You coming?"

Calum nods. "I'm coming too," I say.

Sierra pours me a glass of iced tea from the fridge. "You should really stay with me. There's a lot we need to take care of." She intently gazes at me, trying to gauge my mood. 

Everyone was watching me again. These were the people I loved. People who knew everything about me. We had all shared some of our greatest adventures. So why did I feel like this? Like I was all alone on one single lifeboat in the middle of the ocean, desolate, and all of them were together on a gigantic ship, looking down at me with shame?

I don't try to argue. "Okay. I'll stay."

_________

Calum

"She hates me." I rub my eyes, waiting for Luke to get onto the freeway.

"She's just in shock."

"No, she hates me."

"She doesn't hate you."

"Maybe not. But I can tell she doesn't love me anymore. Not the way she used to. I took too much from her."

"Don't be an idiot. She loves you. You two are just going through too much. It'll work out."

"It's like we've become new people. We don't recognise each other anymore."

We're silent for the rest of the car ride.

________

Montana

"There you are! Oh god, I was so worried about you. Are you all right?" Gia wraps me up in a fierce hug, letting me go momentarily to give me a once-over, her brow wrinkled, then hugging me once more.

"I'm okay." I felt like a child in her arms, suddenly unable to formulate much of anything other than that it was okay to cry. So I cry, embarrassingly loud in my personal assistant's arms, trying to swallow the pain in the back of my throat.

"Shhh, It's going to be okay. I've taken care of everything."

I clasp her hands in mine, sniffling. "Thank you."

We head up to Sierra's workroom, a massive circular room with high ceiling windows and wooden floors. Tables and tables of organised chaos. Clothes, samples, binders and designs. Mannequins half dressed, sewing machines, and everywhere you look—racks on racks of clothing.

No one ever comes in here except Sierra. It was a bit overwhelming for anyone who wasn't her, as Luke liked to say. It was a fashion designer dream world.

Sierra clears a work table for us, and I collapse into one of the chairs. Gia remains at a standstill in the middle of the room, her mouth slack, rapidly blinking at everything she can get her eyes on. "I—woah."

"It's okay. You'll never quite find the words to describe it. Just take it in." I chuckle. Sierra is on the phone so she doesn't hear or she would dismiss the shock with humbleness, apologising for the mess she has made. 

Gia shakes her head like she's trying to shake away the sheer marvel of it all, her short bob swishing around her neck. "I'm sorry. But I have to ask you again, are you positive you're all right?"

"I'm getting to 'all right', it will take awhile." I give her a reassuring smile. Not wanting her to have to worry about my mental state and the state of my career.

"Catherine wanted to come. But I told her I'll handle it. I know you're not in the state for her managerial demands."

I tip my head back and shut my eyes. "You are a lifesaver, Gia Thorn."

"It's what you pay me for. Anyway, let's get right down to it. There was no way for us to stop the media from getting a hold of all the information the police had. They know someone destroyed your apartment, they are making guesses at the motive, you know how the internet is with their conspiracy theories. But other than that, everyone's worried for your safety. Your fans have been ruthless with their love and support. I think a simple post should do."

She looks up from her notes to see if I'm paying attention and resumes when she decides I am, "Just tell them you're okay, that everything will be sorted soon. That's the public taken care of then."

"Okay, I'll do that soon." It felt like she was telling me to go to war. But it was only Instagram. It was a relief to hear the public was taking it in stride because if the people were at unease, so was everything else.

"You had 22 bookings for this month, I have managed to get 18 of them pushed back. They were very understanding of the situation."

"And the other four?"

Gia swats at the air, "Let's just say it's four campaigns without any compassion that your career won't miss."

Old me would have worried, I used to want to impress everyone and never leave a sliver of disappointment in anyone but then I soon understood that it did not matter. You could do everything right and still the world would take its shot if you missed a single step. You only needed to please yourself, the one person who never lets go of you.

We go over more details and Gia tells me I have all the time I need to sort this out. She offers to help me go apartment hunting when I'm ready and I take the offer graciously, even though I'm certain I won't be living alone again for awhile. The look Sierra gives me says as much.

Gia bids her goodbye, making me promise to pick up my phone and charge it regularly so I can be reached, to begin with.

I try to call Calum after she leaves but he doesn't pick up. Sierra takes one look at me and loads my arms up with snacks. We were going to put on a movie and stress eat. We make our way into the TV room where Addy is sprawled on the couch, an ice pack resting on her legs. "Can one of you tell me why everything just hurts? My vagina hurts. My boobs hurt. My entire body hurts and all I want to do is eat!" She moans and I put down all the snacks near her.

We sit on either side of her. I give her a kiss on the cheek, relaying that I was sorry she was in so much pain. Sierra moves Addy's hair away from her face as she opens up a pack of liquorice. "I'm so happy you two are here. Even though Ashton's child is drumming inside me and making me feel like my internal organs might start popping out of my fingernails."

"I'm so happy we're here too," I say. Despite the circumstances, I loved having them all nearby. 

Addy's eyes widen and she blows out a puff of air from her mouth, "Gah, she's kicking. Does that every time she hears a new voice."

Addy takes our hands and places them on her swollen belly. "Here, feel it."

We all go quiet, waiting, my breath catching in my throat. Then we feel it, a single bump, a little foot kicking against its mother's skin. I could feel her against my fingers, a wonder that will soon be running around this house, her hair as bright as her mothers and her laugh as loud as her fathers. 

I look at Addy and Sierra. Our eyes brimming with tears.  It was uncanny how hope almost always managed to present itself amidst desolation. Here it was, thriving in the middle of the fire. These are the little miracles that build into bigger ones, and somehow, that keeps one foot moving in front of the other. We keep going, and as long as we were moving, we were going to be all right.