I was at a class trip yesterday and I had an amazing time.
I was going to sleep with some of my closest friends there.
We had dinner at 5 and then the party started at 7.
We were all dressed up and it was like two hours into the party and I got a panic attack.
I went out and a teacher followed me. She seemed to care saying that she doesn't like seeing people alone and shit. I didn't buy it for a second.
I said i needed air, and truth is that I really did.
I went back inside, blocking out the insanely high music from my mind. I went to the table where I had left my phone and art supplies and then ran towards the friend that had the key to our little house.
She gave me the key with me saying excuses like I was feeling bad from all the high music and other excuses.
When I got the key I bolted out and when i was a good distance away from the party i broke down in tears.
I picked myself up and walked towards our little house.
As I was going in a boy came out from the house right beside ours. I opened the door as fast as I could so that he wouldn't see me crying and then I slammed the door shut.
I locked the door and broke down right there.
Everything fell down to the ground and my legs couldn't even hold me up. Darkness surrounded me and I couldn't think clearly. All I could think about was how much I wanted to cut.
I crawled to the ladder and climbed to my bed.
Then a knock came. It was from the door.
There was a little window so I could see who it was. It was one of the parents. At that second the only thing that came to mind was 'ugh why!!!'.
I opened the door and then crawled back to my bed.
She came in and sat down on one of the chairs. She started asking questions and I didn't answer any.
I admit, it must have been hard to deal with me.
I used another excuse saying I had to charge my phone and that I would come back to the party when it had enough batteries.
She left and I texted MaybeMaja that I wanted to go home. When I did that I just sat in silence. Not making a sound. The only thing I could hear was my breathing.
I tried keeping the voices in my head quiet and told them to shut up. When my phone had 15 batteries I took my phone, put on my glasses and went out of the room and towards the party.
Halfway there I saw MaybeMaja walking in my direction and I saw that I had a text from her.
When I got closer I just fell apart. Tears streaming down my face, people watching, and maja leading me in another direction.
In the end I called my mom to come pick me up when the party ended, because tbh I needed candy.
So one and a half hour later I started packing my bags again and 30 mins later my mom came.

I think the reason for my anxiety attack was because I have this pretty depressing picture that I had drawn in my sketch book and one of my friends(we r going to call her Emily) didn't want to show it to another one of my friends(we r going to call her ella), in case it was triggering.

Ella had cut before and Emily thought that it was disgusting to cut.
For me, a person who has cut and wants to cut, that's a big deal.

This chapter is called sorry, because I want to say sorry to those of you who wanted me to be there and have a good time.

So im sorry.