I'm reading this book. It's really good and I relate to the person in the book that is suicidal.
The person in the book is a blogger who refers to themselves as Ikoris. If you don't know who that is search it on google.
This person sends this blog to 7 people and sends a code. In the book we follow the lives of two who have gotten the code and one is determined to save Ikoris and the other just wants to join Ikoris.
If you want to read the book it is in Swedish and it's called: om hundra dagar ska jag dö så satans vackert att du vill följa med.
To translate: in one hundred days I'm going to die how fucking beautiful it is that you want to join me.
I relate to a specific quote that Ikoris wrote.
I don't say anything to anyone except on this blog. I'm true here. Here I am ME. I don't have to pretend here. I think there are more than only me that pretend in my friend group. Pretend that they are that MASK that they always put on.  Happy-mask. Cool-mask. Strong-mask. Not to smart but not to dumb-mask. Normal-mask. Not stick out in the wrong way-mask.
Because if you stick out of the crowd in the wrong way the risk is that you'll be an outsider.
Like the nerds. Or the ones who are unlucky to be born 'ugly' in a way that you can't cover it up with makeup or put on fancy clothes. Or those who are too fat or too thin. Or those that are too shy so that as soon as someone approaches them they hide their face and want to disappear from the face of earth.
I always eat my food quickly. Then I retreat to my room and hide. Sometimes under the bed. Sometimes in the wardrobe. Just sit there and hate my life. Hate me. Hate that I hate me. Hate that nobody comes and knocks on the door, looks inside, asks how I am feeling.
Because,  THANKS IM FINE, JUST WONDERING HOW I WANT MY GRAVE TO LOOK LIKE AND WHAT IS GOING TO BE WRITTEN ON IT. BTW! I DO NOT WANT ANY DUMB CHRISTIAN SONG ON MY FUNERAL. ITS GOING TO BE SONGS FROM PANIC! AT THE DISCO AND KPOP!