"Bitch please, I'm the [RULER PRONOUN] of this town."

1: "cheat on games and men, it's what I do"
2: "What about girls?"
1: "..."

1: "I can't do it..."
2: "You can."
1: "How do you know?"
2: "Because you've done it before."
1: "What?"
2, thinking: 'shit'

1: "What did you do?"
2: "I uh... accidentally kidnapped someone."
1: "YOU FUCKING WHAT?!"
3: "HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY KIDNAP SOMEONE?!"
2: "I DON'T KNOW?!"

*door slams open*
1: "Hey bro." *passes out whilst bleeding profusely*
2:
2: "WHAT THE F-"

"I am simultaneously the smartest and dumbest person you'll ever know, and it's a tiring job."

1: "My brother was killed during a robbery, so I made it my life mission to find his murderer and bring them to justice."
2: "But did you have to commit mass genocide along the way?"
1:
1: "Absolutely."

-~-

These next few are just copy and pasted from my private discord server:

"Am I dying or are my pain receptors trying to turn me into a masochist"

"Period cramps without the period"

"If you have a complaint there's a trash can right there"

"Is adulthood just taxes, drinking, getting a job, having no sleep, barely eating, never being healthy, and low income 24/7 or am I a pessimist?"

Me, playing rhyme: "Nake isn't a word-"
My mom: "But you can put a letter before it to make...?"
Me:
My mom:
My BFF:
My mom: "Snake."
Me: "OHH I was thinking naked."
My mom and BFF: "( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°) I am concerned for you"

"Now I don't bake, but for you, I'd gladly turn your intestines into pretzels!"

"God this is like my standards for men"

"If you wanna test me then go ahead and test me, let's see which one of us has fingernails by tomorrow morning."

"I'd like to keep the ___ on the low low not the medium beadium/highy ouchy"

"Okay moving away from the pained sounds of a Russian within a room of English 16 year olds, what in the holy goddess of rain is my camera roll"

"I have a magical quest for you, it's where you find my lost fucks to give."

"At least but me dinner before you take the honor of killing me" -Izuku Midoryia, at some point.

"I deepthroated a ghost once" -My random thoughts at 10:29

1: "Appreciate the present, or it will swallow you whole without a second of thought."
2: "✨ JUST ✨ SPARKLE ✨ THROUGH ✨ IT ✨ MAN ✨"

"WHAT THE DOUBLE CHIPPED SUNDAY SNOWMAN"

"Pasta la vista baby"

"Putin's currently in his office and I would rather be 🤢 straight 🤢 then interact with him"

"Takes a bitch to make a bitch, after all-"

"I'm like the ultimate being when it comes to religion I believe in anything and everything"

"Vibe until you die. And then keep fucking vibing"

"NO VIOLENCE, ONLY VIBE"

"I was killing the assholes on the 5th floor of the orphanage when daddy tried to fucking snort the cocaine" -Playing a game of continuation sentence or whatever