Flashes of brown hair was the only thing Negan could see when he blinked. Sometimes he caught a glimpse of eyes as dark as black coffee and a smile as white as snow, it was all her, it was River Montgomery. He hadn't thought of her when the virus broke out, he didn't really think of anything.

But now he could hear her laughing and her squeal when he would scare her, or even when they would stay up in the late hours of the night and watch horror movies. Negan always loved River, he would have done anything for her when they were teenagers, but he made this façade, he created a life with another woman when he was far too young and cut off any chance of having something more with his brunette best friend.

But now, she was back and mocking him, haunting him.

"You alright?" Simon asked from beside Negan as they stood outside beside their vehicle. Simon was his friend, Negan knew he could count on Simon for anything but revealing to him his high school crush and best friend was taunting him and was trying to make a point, was not something Negan could do. "Yeah, I'm fine," Negan replied, opening the door to the truck and climbing back in.

He grabbed the stack of letters and tore open the envelope to letter seven.

'negan,

i guess it came to a shock didn't it? you know what pisses me off? the fact that i had this best friend, and despite the fact he was a douche of a jock he always had my back. but the day i announce that i'm going off and living my dream, joining the army. the one person i wanted to be happy for me, cut me out of his life.

does that person sound familiar negan? he should.

but here we are, confession number seven. i guess we can start off with what i did when one of your men killed one of mine. i got angry, so angry that i made it my personal mission to find whoever it was and kill him. my right hand man, sam, was the smartest and funniest guy there was. he kept me sane though a lot of this bullshit world so when i watched your man run off after killing him it felt like I watched one of my fellow troops being killed.

your man was the first I killed since the apocalypse started. but after that, i started doing it to scare other groups, or do it to get information on where i could find you. the thing is negan, i could fit right in at your camp because this world broke me.

i use to kill for the freedom of my country and others, but now, the world broke me and i have discovered ways to make killing hurt, to make it painful and never ending.

i hope i never have to do it to you negan, but only time will tell if you'll face me with open arm or a bullet. you were once my best friend, and we will never go back to being that, but you're still the only one i'm comfortable talking to.

until next time.

Xoxo
-R'

Negan ran his hand over his face and his fingers through his hair, he knew he was screwed. He made her promises, the biggest was he would never leave her. But he did just that, so this was the time to make that up to her. Five years later he would finally make it up to her after everything he did.

Even if she can make killing painful, it was a risk he had to take in order to see her, even if it was only for one more time.