SANJAY

"4 months. That's all I can promise."

I look at the calendar sitting on top of the kitchen counter and grab it. Dr Haider's voice still rings in my ears as I look through the dates. Today is the 16th of May. Four months mean September. That is all the time my father has.

My knees feel weak and I sit down on the floor. The calendar falls out of my hands and I feel my fingers turning cold.

"Your mother doesn't know."

Past two-three days I have been running all around the city to see the best oncologist for my father. I have contacted doctors out of the state and sent them his reports. I have tried to contact outside the country too but I had no luck in receiving a positive answer.

Dad hasn't told anyone except me and Bade Pa. I cannot blame him for not telling me sooner but I wish I knew so that I could have spent the last two years being closer to him and not being away.

I rub my face and get up from the floor. I check my pocket for cigarettes and when I didn't find any I search the house. I see a pack on my nightstand and I throw it across the floor when I realize it's empty. I grab my keys and walk out of my flat.

I reach my car and I'm about to unlock it when I see Rehan parking his vehicle. I know he has seen me and if I go without talking he will chase me to wherever I'm going. He has been trying to contact me for the last few days but I have been busy and I didn't want to talk about this to anyone.

"Where were you?"

I press the key fob to unlock the door. "I'm not in the mood for talking."

"I have to tell you something important,"

A sarcastic chuckle leaves my throat and I open the door. "Let me stop you right there," I look at him. "My brain is full and it cannot carry any important information anymore."

"This is—"

"Is anyone going to die if I don't hear what you are about to say,"

"What?!" Rehan narrows his eyes at me. "No, but—"

"We are done here, brother." I get inside the car and take off before he can stop me.

I stop on the way to buy cigarettes and drinks before parking on the beach. I sit on the sand and open the bottles of beer. I take a sip as I watch the waves come running. The sunset reminds me of the time I used to do photography. I wanted to drop out of college to pursue a photography career but my father was adamant that I should have a degree. One of the biggest fights I had with Dad was back then. We didn't talk for days and I went back to Chennai to get away from him. Two days later he surprised me by coming to the flat I shared with my friends.

"You can come back. Nothing is going to change. You should drive your life and I'm just the person standing on the roadside to give you directions if you have any doubt but sometimes there is more than one way to reach the destination. So, if you don't like the path I said, you should go with what you prefer. You will see success."

I decided then not to drop out because I only had one more year and I was in a lot of self-doubt. What if photography is not my thing? Dad was with me then too. He told me all about how his business had grown from scratch and everything. He has been with me throughout my life. He has never left my side but I have never been a good son for him. For Mom.

I lit the cigarette and take a puff. I should not be smoking considering the fact that my father has been diagnosed with lung cancer but I don't care. I would be grateful if I left this earth today. The liability that I'm will be erased forever.

It's very dark when I finish all the bottles of beer and packs of cigarettes I bought. I stand up from the sand and look around. There is no one on the beach as far as I can see. I grab the empty bottles and walk towards my car. I'm looking at my foot and walking and I almost lose my balance when somebody hits my shoulder with theirs as they walk opposite to me. I check my back pocket and I turn around.

"You bastard!" I shout and he stops walking along with his two friends. I'm about to fall on the ground but I somehow hold on to myself.

"What did you say?" He asks as he walks forward to me.

"Bastard! B-A-S-T-A-R-D. No, Basturd. B-A-S-T-U-R-D. Now give me back my wallet!"

"I was going to take the money and leave the wallet here but now I will hold this too," He tells me with a smirk.

I walk towards him and his two friends stand beside him, all glaring at me. I take my fist and I'm about to throw it on his face when his friend grabs one of the empty beer bottle from my other hand and smash it on my head.

I groan in pain and fall to the sand. I see the broken glass pieces on the ground and I hold my head in pain. I raise my leg and kick on the balls of one of them. For a good ten minutes, it was full of kicking and stomping on me. I don't know when they leave me but it is only after they are long gone that I open my eyes and regain consciousness.

"Argh!" I shout in pain when I try to sit on the ground. I lay back and take my phone out from the front pocket of my jeans. I go through the contacts and press call on the person I want.

JHANVI

"Ten reasons?"

Jen nods. "Yes. Ten reasons why you won't wear this dress..." She lifts the black beautiful dress she's holding. "...and go for the date. You cannot say you are not ready because you will only know you're ready if you go out in the dating field."

I take a sigh as I sit on my bed. "1, I do not want to date anybody ev—"

"Meh!" She interrupts me. "Invalid. Start again."

"I'm a mother. My lifelong priority should be Adi. Only him. I should not be running towards any insubstantial things like dating etc. I know I sound like a hypocrite because I was sleeping with Sanjay but I knew it was going to end. There was no future in there. But dating is the basic foundation to finding your person. I do not need that."

Jen sits beside me and holds my hand. "You remember the time I first met Nikhil? It was the next day after you saw him for the first time. You wanted me to approve him because you had liked him so much that you had thrown away the hatred you had for an arranged marriage.

He was the sweetest. He knew I had to approve him but he didn't do anything to impress me. He was himself. At the end of the day, I was on his side. Ready to kill you if you say no to him. You made him happy. And I think what you feel right now is that, if you date and move on with your life, you betray him."

I hung my head down and look at my feet as I take her words in. It's the truth. I don't want to betray him. I don't want someone to replace his place in Adi's heart.

"Nikhil had always wanted the best for you. Even if he's not here." Jen turns my face and looks into my eyes. "You are a mother. And a mother is the strongest person in this world. The pain you endured to bring your boy into the world, the love you give him will never be overshadowed by anyone, no matter when they come into your life."

"What if Adi doesn't like me dating?"

"He's four. His world revolves around you and he only knows how to love. He will gradually understand everything and it's not like you are going to jump in a relationship. You are only going for a date with a person you've known for years."

"Harsh might not know that I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm simply getting his hopes up."

"Oh please," Jen waves her hand. "Trust me, he knows because he knows everything. When you see him today he'll be like, 'On which topic did your best friend give you lecture today,'" She mimics and I chuckle later that evening when Harsh asks me the same question.

"What did she say something ill about me? Trust me, Jaan, it's false," He tells me with a worried face.

I smile at him as I take a sip of my water. "Relax! She didn't say anything. But she will just give her a few days,"

He smiles and shakes his head. "You look beautiful today."

I smile nervously and keep the glass back on the table. I'm wearing the black dress Jen bought for me and now I regret the choice. I shouldn't have worn anything that is date material. I should have gone for my shorts and an oversized sweater.

"I wanted to tell you something," I clear my throat and he puts his entire attention on my face. "This is just a dinner. I'm sorry, like really sorry if I ha—"

"Jhanvi,"

I look into his eyes and his gaze alone assures me. He knows me. He understands me. "We are fine," He tells me. "But Mrs Fadnavis is not."

I know what he is doing but I let him.

Mrs. Fadnavis was our science teacher in tenth grade and she was horrible. I remember her making Jen redraw all the pictures in the record saying it was not correct whereas she signed the records of all the others of which most of them were drawn by Jen.

"What happened?"

"She and her neighbour had a massive fight over a guy..."

"No!" I shake my head with a smile.

"...Which was recorded..."

"No! No!"

"...Which was shared in one of the class groups..."

"Oh, my God!" I laugh and Harsh raises his hand while laughing.

"The guy was the principal!" He bursts out laughing and so do I.

We spend the next hours in the restaurant sharing jokes and stories. The waiter comes to tell us that they are about to close and then only we realize the time has flown. We pay the bill and head out.

"We should have gone to your father's restaurant. We could've stayed there today," He tells me.

"I'm very sorry to tell you, in all these years my father hasn't grown up. He will kill you if he hears you are still behind me,"

"Ah, my Juliet!" He places his hand on his heart. "I will die for you," He says leaning towards me dramatically.

I roll my eyes as I push him back. My phone vibrates inside my purse. I pull it out and I'm stunt to see Sanjay's name on the caller ID.

"I..." I look at Harsh. "I think I have to take this," He nods and I walk a little away from Harsh and take the call. "Hello?"

"Jhanvi!" He says. The sound sends everything in my body to stand still. "Please help me,"

I can hear the pain in his voice and I clutch the phone tighter. "Sanjay, are you okay?"

"No."

"Where are you?"

"Beach."

"Which beach?"

"Our beach."

I try not to think about the three-letter word as I drive to the beach after bidding bye to Harsh. Sanjay sounded like he was drunk and I know he didn't mean what he said. I reach the beach and since there are almost no vehicles, I easily spot his car. I take a few steps towards the beach and I stop when I see Sanjay laying on the sand.

My heels sink in the sand and I unstrap them before running towards Sanjay. There is blood all over the left side of his face and bruises on his neck and forearm. I kneel and touch his face.

Please open your eyes. Do not leave. Do not leave me.

"Sanjay?"

"Hmm..." He opens his eyes and smiles when he sees me. He lifts his hand and touches my hair. "It's hurting,"

"I know. We are going to a hospital," I check his face to see where the bleeding is from.

"Jhanvi..."

I look at him. "Yeah,"

"You look beautiful,"

I stare at him as he smiles at me. He doesn't know what he just did. He just give life to the dead butterflies in my stomach. And they are fluttering.