I felt someone caressing my head. It was a warm gentle touch.

I woke to my mother's gentle smile and her hand over my head.

"Good morning darling," she said as she gave me a kiss on the forehead.

"Good morning Mom," I repeated.

"I made breakfast come down fast," she said before she got up and left.

I sat up on the bed as I recalled last night's events, it was a wild night.

I looked at my phone and saw countless messages and calls from Henry but I just blocked him, after last night I didn't want to do anything with him.

I took a shower before I went downstairs, and there was my mother already sitting at the table, waiting for me, she served me breakfast, which was avocado toast and some omelet.

"How is it."

"Amazing as always." I said, as we ate in peace, I looked at her, "Mom... I am sorry for last night, you are an amazing mother and I love you. Very much."

She looked at me and gently raised her hand touching my neck, "does it hurt?" she asked, "I am sorry I hurt you last night. But I want  you to know that I love you very much, you are my precious treasure and I hope you can forgive me for my shortcomings."

"Mom, you are an amazing mother, I love you and I am blessed to have a mother like you."

"I am sorry because of me your dad..."

"Oh, no it's not your fault, he was a douchebag and I am sorry for hiding it from you, I just thought that I was protecting you."

"It's okay. How about we cook together today? make good food and spend some time together."

"Sure."

~~

It was a day well spent. I had fun with my mother. Fortunately, she didn't had any of her episodes or anything, today she was herself, without the disease, my mother was a fun-loving, funny, and lovely person; her disease took her life away and I felt bad for her, she would have a much better life if it wasn't for her disease.

Maybe then my father wouldn't have cheated on her, I shook my head and felt angry at myself for even thinking like that.

I was able to take my mind off of a lot of things, thanks to my mom

Things with Henry were over and now my mom knew everything about my dad.

Zhan was doing just fine.

I felt relieved I felt so much lighter.

My mom and I, baked a cake, made lunch together, played carrom, and I showed her some of my dance movies and even sang for her,  and finally we sat together for a movie marathon and watched a lot of movies, from fairytales, to thrillers, to borrow they were amazing, we were awake till 3 in the morning and it was a lot of fun.

"Good night darling." She said after we got up from the couch and headed towards our room, feeling sleepy.

"Good night Mom,"  I said back to her.

She stared at me before she moved forward and hugged me and kissed my forehead, "I love you darling always remember that, I will always love you, maybe buddha always guide you."

I felt a little odd, was she having another of her episodes? I felt a little disheartened, however my mother smiled at me and gave me another kiss on my cheek before she went to her room.

I watched her go to her room and close the door before  I went to my room.

~~

The next day I woke up to the noises in my house.

I rubbed my eyes and stretched myself before I got out of bed, as I gained my senses, I heard the noises and I finally got out of my room.

I saw Martha, Cheryl, and my father standing in front of my mother's room, there were some neighbors too, which made me anxious.

I walked towards my mother's room but Martha tried to stop me, "what's going on?" I asked.

She didn't say anything to me and just cried instead, I knew something was wrong,  and I hunched, my mother was nowhere to be seen, she was quiet and that made my stomach drop, and my heart clenched at the thought that she was gone, I didn't want to think that, but my heart already knew.

I already knew.

So I took a deep breath and slowly made my way to her room,  my hands were cold and sweaty, my legs felt weak, my eyes watered and my throat felt tight, my heart clenched as I saw her, there she was lying on the bed lifeless, she looked so peaceful and calm, it looked like she was sleeping, a sleep from which she will never wake up.

Tear slipped from my eyes as I looked around and my eyes fell on something else, it was a rope hanging from the ceiling.

She hung herself.

~~
Things were not clear after that, my mind was fuzzy, and I lost track of time, everything was hazy. It was like I was dissociating.

My father took care of everything while I didn't even cry.

After the funeral was over my father sat me down, "Yibo, I know this is hard for you, but we have to move forward we can't let grief take over us."

I looked at him and his mistress, my dad held her hand and said, "Diane will be moving in and we will be getting married two months later."

I was speechless, I felt nothing, I had no idea my father could disappoint me so much, this was a new blow.

"You are welcome to stay," my father said, "I mean, we can be a family you know, and you can finally meet your grandparents and uncles, because of your mother you were kept away from them, but now you can finally connect with them."

I wanted to get away from this place, but I felt nauseated and claustrophobic, I had to get out of here I needed to.

So I got up and ran out of the house, I heard my father calling me, yelling my name, but I didn't want to be near him. That bastard betrayed my mother, I betrayed my mother I lied to her, what the fuck had I done, I was the reason she was dead, I hated myself, I hated myself so much, It should have ben me, I should have been the one dead and not her.

 I wanted to forget all of this, I wanted to distract myself, I wanted to get high.

So I went to Henry's house, I know I should not go there after what he did to me. I should not go there, it could be dangerous, but I couldn't't care less, my well-being was the last thing on my mind, I harshly knocked at his door and continuously rang the doorbell, and finally after a few minutes someone answered the door.

"What!" it was not Henry, it was another man, he looked like an older version of Henry, I knew him, it was Henry's older brother. I could smell cigarette smoke from him, he was taller and buff and looked really dangerous, I swallowed and rubbed my palms together before I said.

"Um...Uh....Um... Henry... is he there?" my voice came out weak.

"No, he is not, the fucker overdosed a few days ago, he is not here anymore," he said and shut the door in my face. I stood there for some minutes, processing what I had been told, I blinked before I took a deep breath, I felt like I had been struck by thunder, the ground underneath me had vanished.

I had met him a few days before, he was fine then. Henry's face flashed in front of my eyes, the moments that I spent with him haunted me, I had used him too, I had ignored his calls and mesages, guilt came crashing down on me, hitting me like a bullet, piercing my heart.

I slowly turned around and started to walk aimlessly.

~~

Henry was not here.

My mother was gone.

I should be gone too.

Why was I here?

Yeah right.

I should just end this, all of this, this miserable existence. The cause of everyone's suffering.

That's what I was thinking as I held the knife near my wrist, my hands were shaking, and my tears wouldn't stop.

Just a little pain and this would end, just a little pain and everything would be over, I was sobbing I was so just going to do it when my phone buzzed.

I looked at the screen and it was another message from Zhan, I hadn't answered or called him, the past few days, and I didn't want to.

But then I saw the date, it was Zhan's birthday.

No... I could not do this to him.

I can't kill myself on his birthday.

He will never be able to move on then.

Zhan. I should at least wish him a birthday and give him a gift, I should see him one last time before I go away.

~~

So at five in the morning, I stood in front of Zhan's house.

"Yibo what are you doing here?" he asked.

I am here to see you before I leave you all alone.

"Happy birthday." I opened the small box and presented him with a cake.

"I forgot that it was my birthday." of course he did, after all the shitshow going on in his life it was obvious, but I will never forget anything about him.

"Don't worry." I said with a smile, "Come with me let's blow the candles."I lit the candles on the cake, "Make a wish."

He closed his eyes and thought of something, I just stared at his beautiful face, and his enchanting smile, I loved him to much, but I was not good for him, I was a mess and I should get away from him, before I destroy his life just like my mother destroyed my father's or how my father destroyed my mother's.

But I wish there was a way for us to be together.

He blew the candles and cut the cake, feeding the first bite to me.

"Here." I said, "I got something for you, I know you don't like it when I give you something but this is special."

I took a small box and he smiled when he saw the ring, "Are you going to propose to me or what?"

"Should I?" I said with a smile, I would really love to.

 "I really liked this ring, when I saw this ring in the store, I thought that it would really suit you, please accept it." It wasn't really true, my mother got me this ring because I like it so much, and I wanted to see it on you, but I was so scared to give it to you back then because you would get angry at me, but right now I really wanted to give this to you.

He pushed his hand forward, "Why don't you put it on."  I happily did that, I even wanted to go on one knee, as if I was proposing to him but I stopped myself, I shouldn't get ahead of myself, getting to put a ring on his finger was enough.

He admired the ring, while I admired him.

"You know what? just wait here." he marched back inside his house and came back with something, "Here." he said as he grabbed my hand and out a ring on my finger to, what a way to fulfil one of my fantasies god, I love you for that, "This belongs to my dad, I want to give this to you." he said

"As a token of gratitude for being there for me, for being my support, thank you so much, Yibo for being there for me. I don't know what I would have done without you. You are a very important person to me, Yibo, you are a blessing in my life.

I know I should have said all of this before, but I didn't get the chance. And now you are my only family, the only person closest to me, someone who I know I can always count on, I hope you will stay by my side and never give up on me I promise I will be better. If it wasn't for you I might have tried to... end it all."

I was taken aback by what he said, it was a lot, I had no idea this was what he thought of me, I was so important to him, I meant so much to him, he was thinking of ending it all, and I am thinking the same.

I knew I would been broken beyond repair if he had done that, and he would be too if I killed myself.

I can't do this to him, I really can't, he saw me as family, as his lifeline, he cared, he wanted to depend on me, and he wanted to be better because of me, how can I take all of that away from him.

I should try to be better too, I should try to get my shit together too. I should try to be strong.

Fuck, I didn't want to die. I wanted to live for  Zhan, for myself.

I smiled at the ring, "I know that this means a lot to you, Zhan, thanks for trusting me with this ring, I promise I will take good care of it. I will head back now." 

That was all I could say at that time, I was afraid if I stayed I would mess up.

"So when will I see you next? he asked.

Honestly, I had no idea, not until I get better, not until I deal with my issues and become a decent normal human, "Soon." I said, before I turned and walked, as soon as I turned away from him, I let my tears and cried.

We will meet again Zhan, I promise we will.

But right now I don't want to be near you or anyone, I want to be alone and away from this time,  the guilt that I might be the reason that my mother committed suicide will never let me be happy.

Henry overdosed because of me too, how can I live happily after ruining these two lives, I will ruin yours too, so it's better to run away.

And come back when I am able to deal with my shame and guilt.

That is if I ever succeed