RADD CORDOVA

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"I'M LETTING you go, Radd..."

Hindi ko na naririnig ang boses ni Eira pero ang mga salitang iyon pa rin ang pilit na nagsusumiksik sa isip ko. Kanina tila ako nabunutan ng napakalaking tinik sa dibdib nang tumawag siya.

I thought Reeth had finally convinced her to talk to me. Pero pagkatapos niyang sabihin ang apat na salitang iyon nawala na siya sa kabilang linya. Hindi niya ako hinayaang magsalita o magpaliwanag. Gumuho nang tuluyan ang natitirang pag-asa sa puso ko.

Paulit-ulit kong minura ang sarili. Now, I despised the thought that I had ever planned to hurt her. Labis ko nang pinagsisisihan ang resulta ng mga kagaguhang nagawa ko.

Pero hindi ako papayag na hahantong lang ulit kami sa ganito.

No, I wouldn't let her go. Hindi ngayon...

Tumakbo ako palabas at tinungo ang bahay ng mga Villena. Pagpasok ko ng bukas na gate, naabutan kong nagkakape sa garden set si Tito Leonard—na nagulat pa nang makita ako.

Isang linggo rin akong hindi nakatutuntong doon. I knew I was probably trespassing by entering without permission, but I was desperate. I had to talk to Eira. Ngunit bago ko magawa iyon mukhang kailangan ko pang dumaan sa daddy niya—na nang mga oras na iyon ay matamang nakatitig sa akin.

Kahit hindi naman siya halatang galit habang nakamasid sa akin, kinabahan pa rin akong humakbang patungo sa kinauupuan niya.

"I knew you wanted to talk to her, but Eira's not here, hijo."

Para akong malakas na tinadyakan sa narinig ko. She chose to leave me again, katulad ng ginawa niyang pag-iwan sa akin seven years ago...

I stood there for several seconds, trying to process the overwhelming sense of failure washing over me. My chest ached with a deep, familiar pain. I couldn't believe this was happening all over again.

Handa na akong magpaalam nang muling magsalita si Tito, "'Wag ka munang umalis. Talk to me instead, hijo."

Bagsak ang mga balikat na tumalima ako. I took the seat across from him. That time the sun was sinking low in the sky, casting a soft, amber glow over that corner of the garden. Mayamaya nanuot sa ilong ko ang matapang na amoy ng kapeng barako.

Inilapit ni Tito Leonard sa harap ko ang isang cup ng kape. Why did I have the feeling that he had been waiting for me?

Nakumpirma ang hinala ko nang magtanong siya, "Did she tell you to let her go?"

Isang mahinang buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko. "O-Opo..."

I wasn't even surprised that Tito Leonard knew what had happened. She had probably told him about it. But if I were facing the version of Eira's dad from seven years ago, our conversation would likely be charged with tension.

Looking back, I remembered that, despite his outward kindness, he had never liked me. I always felt a sense of indifference in his treatment of me, and it was clear he had never approved of the friendship Eira and I shared. Sigurado rin akong labis siyang magagalit sa akin kung nalaman niya noon ang lihim naming relasyon ng anak niya.

But everything changed after that night seven years ago, it was two months after Eira left...

Hindi pa man ako nakakalapit, alam kong ang daddy ni Eira ang lalaking yukyok ang ulo sa harap ng mesang iyon. There were bottles of alcohol on top of his table. Walang anumang pulutan, mga bote ng lang ng alak na lahat ay said na ang laman ang naroon.

I couldn't help but wonder what had brought the respectful Leonard Villena to that convenience store. It was the first time I had seen him there. He wasn't the type to spend his free time in such places, especially not to drink.

Atubiling lumapit ako. Ilang sandaling nagdalawang isip ako. Meeting and talking to him would just remind me of Eira. Ang isiping iyon ay labis pa ring nagpapakirot ng dibdib ko.

Pero sa huli binigo ako ng mga paa ko. I took the step and walked towards him. Pagkalapit ko, sakto namang pag-aangat ng kaniyang mukha.

"Radd, hijo, come on, join me here..." Naroon pa rin ang authority sa boses niya pero ramdam kong hindi na iyon katulad nang dati. His words felt lifeless. He sounded and looked miserable as well.

Makapal na kasi ang balbas ni Tito at tila pagod na pagod ang kaniyang mukha dahil sa kaniyang malalalim at nangingitim na mga mata. This wasn't how Eira's dad usually looked. He always exuded authority and dominance.

Hinila ko ang upuan sa tapat niya. "Tito, lasing na po yata kayo."

Mapait na ngumiti si Tito Leonard. "Hindi pa, hijo. Sa katunayan gusto ko pang lunurin ang sarili ko sa alak. Iyon ay kung maaari lang."

Napakunot-noot ako. Bakit ganito ang asta niya ngayon? May nangyari ba? Kumabog ang dibdib ko nang dumaan sa isip ko si Eira. Gusto kong kumustahin si Eira sa kaniya pero pinigilan ko ang sarili.

I missed her terribly. But it seemed I was the only one holding onto the hope that Eira might come back. Two months had passed without a word from her, and the thought was deeply painful.

Magpapaalam na sana ako kay Tito nang lumabas sa bibig niya ang mga salitang iyon, "Patawarin mo ako, Radd..."

"Tito, wala po kayong dapat na ihingi ng tawad sa 'kin," nagawa kong sabihin nang makabawi mula sa pagkabigla.

"No, hijo. I'd done you bad, k-kayong dalawa ng anak k-ko..." garalgal nang saad niya.

Akala ko'y namalikmata lang ako nang mapansin kong pangilidan siya ng luha. Pero mayamaya ay sunod-sunod na pumatak ang mga iyon. Natatarantang tumayo ako nang dumaan ang pait sa kaniyang mga mata.

"What happened, Tito? 'Ayos lang po ba kayo?"

Marahas niyang pinahid ang mga luha saka paulit-ulit na nagbuga ng hangin. "Don't mind me. Pasensiya na, masyado na kitang naaabala. Ang mabuti pa'y iwan mo na ako rito."

May alinlangan akong gawin iyon pero napilitan din ako lalo nang sunod-sunod nang tumunog ang phone ko. Reeth had been calling me. Bagaman puno ng mga katanungan ang isip ko nagpasya akong iwan doon si Tito Leonard.

"Please don't give up on my daughter. Patawarin mo na rin ako. If it weren't for my selfishness, things might not have ended up like this..."

Napamaang ako sa tinuran niya. Bigla ang pag-uumapaw ng mga katanungan sa isip ko.

Why is he asking for my forgiveness now?

"Eira tried to end her life seven years ago... It happened two days after she failed the board exam."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa narinig. Nanlamig ang buong katawan ko, parang sinipa nang malakas sa sikmura. Hindi ako nakapagsalita.

Nagpatuloy si Tito Leonard, "At kasalanan ko ang lahat. Nilunod ko siya sa pressure. Naging makasarili ako, at huli ko nang napagtanto ang epekto no'n. She was already suffering from severe depression... Alam kong mahal na mahal ka niya, Radd, pero ako ang nagpilit na lumayo siya sa 'yo. Kaya kung may dapat kang kamuhian, ako 'yon, hindi si Eira." Bumalatay ang sakit sa kaniyang mukha.

"H-Hindi ko po alam ang tungkol dito..." sa wakas ay nasabi ko.

"She kept it a secret, and I can understand why. She was too sorry for hurting you. After being admitted to the psychiatric ward, I knew she tried to heal and forget her past pains. Kaya nang bumalik ka sa buhay niya, labis akong natuwa dahil alam kong matagal ka niyang hinintay, hijo."

Hinayaan kong lamunin ako ng katahimikan. My mind was racing, trying to process everything Tito Leonard had just revealed. Parang ang hirap paniwalaan, pero alam kong hindi magsisinungaling si Tito.

It hurts to know that she went through all that pain, alone...

"Ang tanga ko," bulong ko sa sarili ko, ramdam ko ang labis na bigat sa dibdib. "I should've been there for her... I should've known."

"Don't be too hard on yourself," malumanay na saad ni Tito Leonard saka ako marahang tinapik sa balikat. "Eira didn't want you to know. She wanted to protect you from her darkness."

Pero bakit mas pinili niyang itulak ako palayo? I should've endured the pain with her. Katulad ng madalas naming gawin dati...

"Patawarin mo siya, hijo," patuloy ni Tito, ang boses niya ay puno ng pakiusap. "She was just trying to cope the only way she knew how. Alam ko, nasaktan ka, but Eira loves you more than you could ever imagine. She's been carrying this burden all these years, and I've seen how much she's suffered because of it."

I felt my throat tighten again. I wanted to cry, scream, and ask why everything had to happen this way. But more than that, I wanted to see Eira, to tell her that I was here, that I'd always been here, and that I was not going anywhere.

"Nasa'n po si Eira?" tanong ko, pilit na pinipigilan ang panginginig ng aking boses.

"Umalis siyang papuntang Sagada kasama si Caleb. Go after her, I know she had been waiting for you."

I nodded, unable to trust my voice. I stood up, feeling a mix of emotions—fear, guilt, hope. There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much I needed to hear from her. But more than anything, I just wanted to hold her, to let her know that whatever happens, we'll face it together.

"Salamat, Tito," ang tanging nasabi ko bago ako naglakad palabas.

I won't give up on her. Hindi ko na siya pakakawalan kahit ano pa'ng mangyari...

─•❉᯽❉•─

Sagada, Mountain Province

MY BODY trembled as the cold morning breeze brushed against my skin. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat, trying to keep my fingers warm. The scent of morning dew, mixed with the aroma of pine trees, filled the air, revitalizing my senses. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, letting the fresh air fill my lungs for a few moments.

As I opened my eyes, the large sign of Sagada Brew came into view once again. The exterior of the coffee shop was made of wood, giving it a cozy cabin-like appearance. The doorway was wide, and its two large glass doors were already open. A small welcome stand was positioned at the entrance, decorated with colorful calligraphy spelling out "Welcome" alongside doodles of coffee cups and pastries.

I walked towards it and I was instantly greeted by its warm and cozy vibe. Agad na nanuot sa ilong ko ang aroma ng bagong gawang kape pati na rin ang creamy scent ng pastries na tinda ro'n. It was seven in the morning at doon ako dinala ng impormasyong iti-next ni Reeth sa akin kanina.

She was with Eira and Caleb. As soon as I learned that they had gone to Sagada, I called Reeth, pleading with her to talk to me. She was reluctant at first, but I managed to persuade her. In return, she made me promise that when I came back to Baguio, I would bring Eira with me.

I scanned the room as soon as I walked into Sagada Brew. There were only a few customers inside. Since I entered the Showbiz industry, being in places like cafés had become a hassle for me. I avoided such places whenever possible. But now, I had completely forgotten about that. I no longer cared if I attracted attention.

Kumabog nang husto ang dibdib ko nang mamataan ko si Eira. She was sitting by the window. Caleb and Reeth were there too, their presence making it clear that this wasn't going to be a warm reunion. Naramdaman ko ang tensiyon sa hangin habang papalapit ako sa kanila.

"Eira..." tawag ko sa kanya nang marahan, umaasa na kahit papaano'y titingin siya sa akin. Pero hindi. Her gaze stayed fixed on the view outside, as if she didn't hear me and as I didn't exist.

Bago pa ako makapagsalita, tumayo si Caleb, hinarangan ako. His expression was hard, unforgiving. "You shouldn't have come," malamig nitong saad.

"Gusto ko lang siyang makausap," sagot ko, pilit pinapakalma ang boses ko.

"She doesn't want to see you. Don't you get it? You being here is only making things worse for her."

Parang suntok sa sikmura ang mga salitang binitiwan ni Caleb. But why was he even here anyway? Fuck! I shouldn't be seeing Eira with him! Gusto kong manakit nang mga oras na iyon pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko. I calmly reminded myself that I was there for Eira. I could deal with my truce with Caleb later.

Dumapo ang tingin ko kay Eira, umaasang may kahit kaunting senyales na gusto niyang manatili ako, pero wala. Naroon lang siya, tahimik, at ni hindi magawang sulyapan ako. Parang may pader sa pagitan namin, isang pader na kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko magawang tibagin.

"Eira..." muli kong tawag, nanginginig ang boses ko. "Please, just talk to me."

Pero nanatili siyang walang kibo, parang walang naririnig. Si Caleb ang muling nagsalita, "She's been through enough. You need to leave, now."

I mentally cursed at him. Ilang sandaling nagsukatan kami ng tingin. Kaunti na lang ay magdidilim na ang paningin ko dahil hindi na ako natutuwa sa pakikialam ng gago.

Mayamaya tumayo si Reeth at lumapit sa kinatatayuan ko. Inilayo niya ako mula kay Caleb.

"Radd, I think kailangan mo munang umalis," malumanay na sabi niya. "Mukhang hindi pa siya handang kausapin ka. Nasa Sumaguing cave kami mamaya. Sundan mo kami ro'n. Promise, gagawa ako ng paraan para makapag-usap kayo."

Ramdam ko ang kirot sa dibdib ko, parang may tinik na bumara sa lalamunan ko. Malungkot kong sinulyapan si Eira. This time na kay Caleb na ang atensiyon niya. Malinaw na malinaw na ayaw niyang naroon ako. Parang sampal sa mukha ang realization na iyon.

Dahan-dahan akong tumango, pilit nilulunok ang bikig sa lalamunan ko.

"Okay," mahina kong bulong, unti-unting umaatras. "I'll go."

Habang humahakbang ako palayo, naramdaman ko ang lungkot na bumalot sa buong sistema ko. Ang masakit na katotohanang baka hindi na nga talaga ako kailangan ni Eira sa buhay niya ay labis na pumipiga sa puso ko.

With one last glance at her, who still refused to look my way, I walked out of Sagada Brew, feeling more lost and defeated than ever.