Anime/Manga : Naruto by Masashi Kishimoto/Studio Pierrot
Words: 3 391
Published: 04/08/2020
Summary: If they had said to each other what they felt for each other three years ago, everything would've been completely different today. 
Author's Note: Thanks to Hippyredfox who really helped me on this short story.

Next to the welcome card - signed by all of their friends - was a CD he had composed for Hinata, not yet wrapped in the lavender gift wrap. Tonight, he made up his mind, he will confess his feelings for her. However, even with all his good will, his trembling hands seemed to not want to let go of the letter he had wrote.

His hand nervously rubbed the nape of his neck. Hesitant, he pinched his lips together, played with the piece of paper holding his confession. He wasn't sure anymore. Thoughts. Questions. Uncertainties. A lot was going on inside his head.

Maybe she'll find his gift too old-fashioned? After all, who listened to CD in these days? And if his courage was back when he will be ready to talk to her, nothing will assure him that she was feeling the same for him.

His breathing broke.

Was he doing a mistake? Wouldn't he risk breaking their friendship?

His guts knotted, squeezed by his anxiety and his turmoils. It scared him and his fingers wrapped themselves around the scars at his wrist. And what if it wasn't the good time to confess everything? He throat tightened. What if it was a mistake? What if she rejected him, refused to understand, to hear him out, or worse, what if she refused to answer him? Was he ready to hear a 'no', a 'sorry' from her with pain in her intense lavender eyes in which he was used to lost himself. What if...

What if... What if... What if...

"Naruto-kun? Are you ready?" Lee knocked on the door.

Despite his friend's presence and hand on his trembleling shoulder, he wasn't feeling better at all. Closing his eyes, he squeezed his letter against his chest where a painful, imberable, knot was growing before touching his forehead with his free hand. He wasn't feeling good. Tingles. Nausea. Waves of heat. Lack of oxygen and again, that contraction in his stomach.

"I-I don't know if I'll go after all..." he said under his breath with a voice nearly broken.

"Oh no! You promised me that if you'd written the letter, you'd give it to her tonight." His dark brown-haired friend continued a bit louder to cover Naruto's protest. "So, since you won't say anything to her face to face, you have to be at her welcome back party at least as a friend, otherwise, she'll be sad."

"B-But the gift and the letter, it's so..."

"You didn't make her one song, you made her twelve songs! So stop saying it's lame! You know what? I think it's perfect and I know Hinata-san is going to love it! Have a little bit of faith in yourself Naruto-kun!" Lee encouraged with a smile.

His difficulties to express his feelings weren't unknown to his friend who was trying somehow to motivate him. His complicated relations with his family had a big part in the development of his huge pathological lack of confidence in himself. But, gradually, thanks to simple things such as, move in with his godfather, play the guitar or compose for the people he cherished and admired, he had done incredible progresses on himself.

However, the triggering factor of his recovery was Hinata. Her important participation had blown away his dark thoughts. She was the light in this dark tunnel he had built around himself like a hard shell.

So, yes, Lee understood his anguish yet, he couldn't let him back off and lose again all the confidence he had won for the past three years.

"You know Hinata-san is a sweet and simple girl. She'll be touched by anything you'll give her because it'll come from you."

Pinching again his lips dried by his habit of biting them every time he was feeling anxious, Naruto took a large breath in. As he breathed out, he let the letter fall on top of the CD. Gently, he kept wrapping his gift - as he never stopped thinking - then, ended it with the perfect bow and took it in his hands before looking at Lee who had quietly observed him. He was proud of him - he could see it in his black eyes - and was nearly moved to see him gathering his courage.

As if he was on a race, Naruto took one last breath in then straightened.

"I'm ready."

The proud look on his friend's face warmed Naruto's heart and calmed his shivering. He smiled him back before being pushed toward the exit. They put on their shoes and told Lee's parents they were leaving before closing the door behind them.

Their journey to the Hyuuga's house felt short since the conversation was cheerful and light between the two young adults and Naruto forget his angst for a while. Unfortunately, as soon as he saw the number two on the front door, his anxiety came back right at his face and when Lee pressed the doorbell, he rubbed the nape of his neck with his hand.

And he nearly stopped breathing when the door opened.

"Hinata-san! Welcome back!" the dark brown-haired male exclaimed as he kissed her cheek. "We're late but, the bestest always keep everyone waiting, aren't they? Gaara-kun!" he called his boyfriend as he entered the hall.

As soon as Lee got out of the way, Naruto's legs felt like jelly. After three years, he could finally lay eyes on her. She was beautiful and radiant, exactly as she left.

"Well, hello to you too, Lee-kun." She said to the one who dashed off inside to meet the others. She then turned towards him and hugged him, "Naruto-kun! I was so excited to see you again! Come in!"

As he was telling her a happy 'welcome back', she took his hand, dragged him inside and took the welcome back card as she thanked him. The poor Naruto felt his whole being be overwhelmed with emotions. He wasn't ready to face her alone right now, so, he kept his gift well hidden in his backpack.

Facing her eyes filled with a soft lavender sparkle - her so expressive eyes - he turned crimson to the tip of his ears. Too much was happening right now: her sparkling gaze didn't let go of him, preventing him from thinking about the crowd which made him uneasy. Her reassuring petite hand was around his, caressing its back to congratulate him as soon as he would look at an unknown gaze. Her melodious voice and her breath were close to him; too much was rattling him. He, who liked to take time to observe his environment, didn't used to that rapid pace anymore. Conversations. Clinking glasses. Laughs. Smiles. Everything was quick.

At least, he was feeling whole again. She had left a void - both in his heart and in their friends' hearts - but today, it was filled by her cheerful presence as she was telling him about her few years at Tokyo university. He was carried away by her pure laugh, as if he was on cloud nine, and he wasn't missing a word of her story, paying close attention to her lips forming each words.

"Still very much quiet, eh Naruto-kun? I can't believe you haven't change!"

I can't believe it either.

She too hadn't change. Because of her small high, she was practically jumping around him all the while speaking with other guests. He missed spending time with her. He missed laying his eyes on her. I can see you Hinata. Caught between her arms, he kept admiring her, irradiated by her ardour which spread through his personal space to get rid of his doubts and fears.

It was so calming...

...Until another person he didn't know appeared next to her.

Brutally brought back to reality, Naruto blinked a few times. They had reached the kitchen as planned, but Hinata wasn't next to him anymore and a glass had replaced her hand in his.

"So you are the much-vaunted Uzumaki Naruto! I'm really glad to finally meet you. Hinata talks so much about you that I feel like I already know you!"

Completely lost, the blonde looked at Hinata who, with her arms, was holding his interlocutor's biceps and was smiling from ear to ear. As he shook hands with the brown-haired guy, he saw she wasn't paying attention to him anymore. He was afraid to understand what was going on as the other guy was talking to him. His thoughts shook him. He's not her... no, he didn't want to believe it. His palms became sweaty, his tongue heavy, his legs unstable, his head ached, his breathing was difficult.

Nevertheless, that Shino-guy - it was his name apparently - kept saying how funny, kind, cute, carrying Hinata was and that she was the best girlfriend he hadn't have ever hoped to have one day. Why was he saying all that? Girlfriend? No, well... Why was he insisting on her qualities so much? He knew it already! No need to twist the knife in the wound!

Naruto knew she was perfect!

"Naruto-kun, are you alright?" Hinata suddenly worried. "You're really pale."

The hand she had put on his forearm suddenly felt inappropriate since she was touching another man at the same time. As if he had been punched in the guts, he got away from her, disturbed by that reality he failed to accept. 

Lie to not worry. Smile to pretend to be natural. Walk to go away. Slalome between the dancers. Move deeper into darkness. Close the door to let himself fall on the floor and to finally cry, a hand on his heart, squeezing his shirt as if he wanted to pull his now painful organ off in less than a second. But... Why couldn't he cry? It hurt and yet there was no tears.

Because deep down, seeing Hinata looking at Shino with such sparkling eyes and radiant smile on her face, he could only understand one thing: she was happy, without him.

Her smiles didn't belonging to him anymore. So why God couldn't he cry?

Suddenly, the lavender gift wrap in his hands caught his attention. Her gift. He had taken it without noticing it. With trembling fingers, he opened it. No need to give it to her since it didn't have the same meaning anymore. Despite his thoughts, he failed to break it in half. In the end, he went through his backpack for the old CD player he had bought in case Hinata didn't have one but instead, the letter came into his sight.

He couldn't give it to her anymore since... She mustn't read it since... It was impossible for him to accept reality. He tore up the letter, still no tears. Yet he felt dizzy, an awful headache was growing. He was about to throw up. It was unpleasant and it hurt. He wanted it to stop. Please someone stop that pain! It was unbearable!

"Naruto-kun?"

Hinata's worried tone brought him back, as if time suddenly froze and his pain with it. The contrast between her joyful voice from earlier and the pain that was heard in her calling his name woke him up. It was her welcome back at Konoha party, she should be laughing with her most loyal friends but instead, she was shyly knotting at the door as if she was afraid to bother him. He didn't want her to be like that around him. He wanted her to be happy. It was his fault if he let her leave without telling her how he felt, without telling her how he was unconditionally in love with her.

He was the cause of her worries.

He felt guilty.

He's guilty.

"Naruto-kun?" she repeated a second time.

Pulling himself together, he shoved all the pieces of the gift in his backpack, stood up sighing and opened the door. Looking for any problems, Hinata's worried eyes scrutinised his face. God, she's so beautiful...

"Sorry, I-I panicked but, but I'm better..." he apologised.

"You're sure?" she stepped forwards.

Her proximity was intoxicating, so was her jasmin perfume, stopping him from forming words. So, he nodded, rubbing the nape of his neck once more. Her usual smile appeared on her lips again, his heart throbbed and he looked down. How could he look at her whereas he wasn't frank with her from the beginning?

He closed his eyes, hoping the pain would go away easier.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, you said you're better now so we don't need to think about it anymore, ok?"

What? That's it? That easily? The Hinata he knew would've never reacted like this... Before, she would've insisted, much more, to know what was the trigger of his anxiety attack. She would've reassured him, put a hand on his face, gave him a smile to relax him, repeated these words with her soft voice: 'everything's fine now'. She was so good at it before. But maybe her situation no longer allowed her to do that.

He recalled her new boyfriend's hand in hers. It violently gripped his heart. Why that pain?

"As always, I really messed up" he nervously laughed.

"No, don't worry. Shino isn't vexed or angry. It's the opposite, he was rather worried to have done something-"

"No, I was speaking about our relationship."

Starting to suffocate again, Naruto laid against the door behind him as Hinata's expression confirmed she didn't understand what he was trying to say.

"What are you talking about Naruto-kun?"

Despite his tightened throat and fear in his belly, he searched for words, that were hard to say, in order to answer her.

"B-Before you leave, I-" his voice shived. "I thought you loved me because no one could've been able to accept my numerous attacks like you did. Not even my parents had been able to do it. But... well, I got scared because... because I was really falling in love with you whereas I know you don't deserve a boy like me..."

The more he talked, the more he saw Hinata's features harden, her jaw tensed and her gaze turned impenetrable. She was angry, she was hurt. All wound up, he rubbed the nape of his neck, feeling a trickle of sweat running along his spine.

"Tonight, I was ready to tell you how I feel about you because while you're studying far from here, I realised... that I love you. Really love you. So I did everything I could to improve myself... I expected everything but a meeting with a boyfriend from Tokyo. Shino seems to be a really nice guy, but... but I feel like it'll be hard to see you two together, every day... while..."

"Why are you saying that now Naruto-kun?" she cut him short.

He frowned, not knowing how to react to her question. And even if the answer was on the tip of his tongue, she continued.

"It's... Shit, it's not fair! I really loved you too!" she confessed.

"You... You loved me..." he repeated, taken aback as his hand fell limp to his side.

He felt it, his heart, no, his whole body froze.

"Yes, of course I did! But you never sent me signs to show me that I was more than a friend to you. So I said to myself with all the crap going on between you and your family, you didn't need me to add my feeling in it. Then, you comforted me in my choice of leaving Konoha to continue my studies in Tokyo and I saw it as a proof of you not sharing my feelings... But now, you tell me you felt the same?!"

"I-I didn't know how to talk to you about it" he was surprised to be able to form words even if they were nearly inaudible. "I wasn't confident in myself back then and I wanted you to be happy..."

"I too wanted you to be happy! You think that knowing I'm one of the causes that make you constantly suffer makes me happy?!"

"That's not why I confessed..."

"Stop, that conversation's nonsense. I moved on, I've a boyfriend now and everything's doing fine between us. I don't need..." she searched for words as she gestured with her hand. "All of this."

A heavy silence fell on their shoulders and when Naruto's sky blue eyes met Hinata's lavender eyes, unsaid things, interrogations, thoughts floated above them: 'I'm sorry.' 'I still have feelings for you.' 'Can we still be friends?' 'Is it going to change between us form now on?' 'It's too late.' 'I love you.'

That 'I love you', which screamed deep within him, stayed stuck in his throat, brunt his vocal cords, he wanted to repeat it, to say it to her again and again and again-

"I-I've to go." She shook her head, looking disturbed.

Without looking at him, she went away from him. Her perfume, her presence, her warmth disappeared, taking away all the light he had gathered thanks to her. Seeing her like this broke his heart but he deserved it. He had hurt her, the most important person dear to his heart. Unable to hold her back three years ago, he was just as weak since he didn't catch her arm to prevent her to leave again. Unable to bring her close to him, to embarrass her in his arm, tight, so tight to show her that she meant so much to him. Unable to give her the letter which confessed his love for her.

Since all this time, it had only been her.

He swallowed, preventing him to puke, keeping his emotions down. So, he hadn't changed. His feelings were still within him, hunching like the scared child he was years ago. The pain oppressed him, burnt him. He couldn't move because of his breathing. His sight was fixed on where Hinata wasn't standing anymore. Gone. Leaving a bitter taste in his dry mouth and that unbearable pain which was now eating up his whole body.

Did he just lose her? Was it real?

Her heart took by another man. She had moved on.

Solitude overwhelmed him, leaving space for his dark thoughts.

It was too late.

However, he didn't have the opportunity to stay alone too long since Lee ran to his side to calm him down, to prevent another attack to break him down. But everything was already blurring, inaudible around him. As if, he just drowned. As if, everything just stopped. As if, he just died on the inside in a few seconds.

Was it possible to feel such a pain?

"Lee... I-I'm not feel well." He said with a shivering voice. "I think my heart stopped, it hurt..."

"I know, I know. But it's going to be ok."

Was it possible to heal from a severely injected poison? To survive from such a pain?

"When?" Naruto asked with a hopeless gaze towards his friend.

"Soon." he sadly smiled. "Soon."

His eyes weren't matching his compassionate smile. So, there was no end?

Soon.

Even that felt like forever but he had to accept...

...He had to accept this failure that cost him the girl he loved.

Please don't kill me :)