I drop my bag on the carpet-covered floor, hearing it land with a thump just as I sprawl onto my comfortable and cushioned bed.

Ah, what a long day today has been. And of course, to make this day even better, I have piles and piles of homework. Can I ever catch a break?

After taking a quick ten minute power nap, I force myself off the sage grey duvet and to my dreaded study-desk, already full of notebooks.

I unwillingly plop myself onto the mauve fabric before drowning my head in the fifty thousand Algebra and Calculus books surrounding me. How I can't wait to be done with these boring subjects and study my favourites in university.

University. I've thought about going abroad in depth - the US especially. I really feel like it would make me a new (and better) person, but I couldn't leave mom alone here, certainly not in her current state. That's the only thing holding me back from travelling halfway across the world.

Involuntarily, my hand closes the windows of worksheets Mr. Pints had put on the class website and opens a new tab. I catch myself typing the most commonly typed words on my computer as of late, namely "Johns Hopkins Univeristy", and hitting enter on Google.

My tempted eyes feast at the pictures that pop up. I would kill to study my beloved neuroscience at one of the best universities in the world, with killer research opportunities and funding. If only I could... I think and sigh to myself.

Coming to my mercy, an iMessage notification dings and Jay's name pops up on the top right corner of my screen. If my hands moved fast to search for JHU, they moved at lightening speed to open Jay's message. Thank the Lord I have my read receipts off, otherwise he would think I'm insane to always see his texts within two minutes.

Jay: sup Juls, what do u wanna drink tomorrow? anty and i are at the store rn, picking up some alc. lmk soon

Oh so it's a party, party? If Anthony and him are buying alcohol together, it must be a bigger event than I expected. It includes the football guys, as well. Ugh. Some of them are semi-decent, some of them are just immature and haven't aged since they left their mothers' womb. Anthony is definitely one of the latter.

Juls: are u sure? i can just bring some from home and tell jenny and fallon it's byob.

I hit send on the keyboard and await his response. My eyes fixate themselves on the screen, waiting for the three grey dots to pop up.

Wow, Fallon's right. I really have to do something about this crush.

That gets me thinking about the idea she proposed in the car. Sending Jay anonymous notes to let him know he has a 'secret admirer', though I'm pretty sure he already knows he has plenty.

I guess I see some benefit from writing these notes because at least I'd finally get an answer as to whether he could potentially ever like me back. If not, it's a clear-cut rejection that would help me move on with my life. Moreover, it would be a good venting space. At least there's somewhere I can encompass my feelings without any judgement whatsoever.

What would I even write in the notes, though? I obviously don't want to get myself caught, neither do I want him to think it's every second girl in our school who only likes him for his looks. I'll have to be subtle but not too subtle.

Who knew writing love letters could be this hard?

The screen lights up as another notification chimes and my head simultaneously snaps up to look at the laptop.

Jay: dw i'm already at mica's. i know jenny barely drinks, u and fallon can split it. i owe u for the pizza last week anyway, so we'll tally later

Juls: ok cool can u get me two white claws and a six pack between fallon and jenny. u know fallon and her beer

Jay: weirdest fetish ever but sure thing. see u in school stinky :p

I laugh at the stinky and tongue out emoji. Around the first week of my first year in Creekwood High, I was sitting in the cafeteria and picking on my fries peacefully, when Jay Hanson interrupted my meal by sitting opposite me.

At the time, I didn't think of him as anything more than a friend so I didn't think it was that big a deal. In hindsight, though, I realise everyone in the lunchroom was staring because I was the 'newbie' and he was the 'popular kid'. For some reason that is earthshaking to other high school kids.

I reminisce the scene, remembering it like it was yesterday.

"What you watching there?" He had asked, pointing at my phone curiously. "Oh, just a silly video my mom sent me from when I was a kid." I had replied with an uncomfortable chuckle. It was the second death anniversary of my father that day and I wanted to be alone more than anything.

"Can I see?" Jay had asked, with a small smile on his handsome face. I didn't want to be rude, neither did I want to seem standoffish so I agreed. I think that was the smartest thing I ever did because that day we bonded a lot over things I didn't even realise we had in common.

Both of us stared at the small screen I was holding in my palm and laughed until our eyes were tearing and me calling my old neighbour 'stinky' for almost running over a stray dog.

I thought of the dog as mine, and I protected Skittles with everything I had in me.

The video began with my dad running out to stop eight year old me from insulting my neighbour. He lifted me into his chest and apologised profusely at the neighbour for my ill-mannered behaviour.

The neighbour yelled back to my dad to "control his malapert daughter and her obscene language" while I called her all kinds of names, one of them being 'stinky'. What can I say, eight year old me was a savage.

I recall tears brimming in my eyes after we finished watching the video and Jay asking me if everything was okay and if he said or did something that upset me. That day I realised just how much of an empathetic and caring person he is.

I had decided to share my trauma with him and he sat and listened patiently to the crying girl he had known for barely five days. Without a word uttered or a single judgement passed. If he isn't God's gift to earth, I don't know what is.

He had told me about his dad turning to alcohol after their business was run to the ground. His father's abusive tendencies when he was under the influence really left a scar on Jay's childhood. He explained how hard it was for his mother to get over everything and re-marry and how difficult it was for Jay to accept that his father was a total scumbag.

He confided in me and trusted me. I had shared a part of myself with him, as he had with me. And that's how our friendship began; with a foundation of trust, honesty and mutual understanding.

And that is why telling him I had a crush on him would be such a bad idea. If he realises I've been lying for over a year, it's over for me. For us.

And that is why I'm actually beginning to consider Fallon's idea...