Dear Diary,

Well, after what felt like forever, I'm finally back in New York. I can't live in D.C. and it's mostly because of the history and memories I have here and at my home- the one Bucky and I shared for so many years.

Despite Bucky not being here right now, everywhere I look I feel like I see him... like our memories are everywhere and all over Brooklyn.

Oh, actually, Nat's been staying with me for a few days. She said she's leaving as soon as she finds her own place, though, I don't mind her company to be completely honest... even if I do have to make her sleep on that old ass couch my mom bought literally in 1925.

—————

It was just another average Monday morning for two highly-trained spies living undercover and remaining out of work for S.H.I.E.L.D.'s sake.

I was up before she was, as per usual, and had started making some coffee in my and Bucky's old fashioned tin pot on the stove. I assumed the aroma had woken her up when she made her way into the room dressed just as I was: in pajamas.

"Morning," I addressed her happily.

"Hey, Steve," she replied groggily, stretching. "You know... that damn couch is really messing with me."

"I told you it's from the '20s, Nat."

"I know, I know," she replied understandingly. "I just figure that since there's room in your bed that-"

"I..." I interrupted her thought and continued to pause for a second, thinking about what kind of a proposition that was. One minuted it would be us sharing a bed, the next it would be us sharing a bed. "I don't really think that's all that great of an idea."

"Why not?" she asked carelessly, paying no mind to what she was implying.

I didn't respond, as I didn't know what to say. "I don't know," I started. "I guess I'm not really sure about how I feel regarding where that might be heading, is all."

"I didn't think you'd mind the company, seeing as you're so... without it... right now," her voice lilted.

"Now, what's that supposed to mean?" I turned around.

"Nothing, nothing... you just- you don't exactly seem like the kinda guy that-"

"Gets any?"

Her eyes widened. "This century, anyway... unless you're as much of a virgin as Tony pegged you for."

"He what?"

"Never mind that, just- are you?" she insisted.

"A virgin? Uh... not re- I mean, no. Like, I'm not, I don't think."

"And that means...?"

"Well, what counts?" I laughed, never thinking I would ever get into this with the likes of her.

"I'm not about to get into all of your previous sexual encounters with you right now, Steve." She approached me and put her hand on my arm. I looked down at it as her eyes remained unwaveringly at my eyes. "Though, there is one way to rule it all out completely..."

Was she saying what I thought she was? "And you mean... what, exactly?"

"Maybe you have been a virgin for 90-some-odd years," she chuckled and retreated.

"Is this because of that kiss?" I asked flat out.

"What do you-"

"You know."

"No, Steve, I didn't retract my offer from you just now- nor, if I were to have, would it have been because of the 30-second kiss we shared to distract HYDRA from our whereabouts that I, later, joked about," she started.

"Didn't feel like much of a joke."

"Well, I suppose it's true, then, what I said... that you haven't kissed anyone since 1945, right? You're off your game," she pointed out.

I thought back. The last person I'd kissed before her was Peggy... and before that, Bucky. "I guess so, but that doesn't mean I'm bad at it... does it?" I questioned, feeling self conscious now about something to which I'd never even given a second thought. Had I been a terrible kisser this whole time?

"Well, that isn't really what I meant by what I said," she began. "I was implying that it'd been a while and that, as a result, you were possibly a little rusty. Besides, I didn't exactly get a good opportunity to experience it."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"Just that I sprung it on you and that there wasn't any warning," she explained. It felt like there was more to it than that. What was she implying?

"Hmm," I hummed. "Alright."

"Besides," she went on, "it didn't mean anything."

"Everything means something."

I looked at her and didn't move, though, the coffee pot was steaming and whistling out of control. She looked over me without even hesitating- she was always so confident about everything she did. It felt so familiar, her demeanor, too, especially now that we're here of all places.

I turned and dealt with the coffee, seeing as I was not even close to ready to being able to deal with whatever the Hell that conversation and gaze combination was.

"Coffee?" I asked.

"Sure," she answered, her voice lilting as she walked away and moved into the living room.

I made my way in and sat next to her on the couch, handing over her mug of coffee. We both liked to drink it without milk or sugar, so, yea, there's that in common.

She took a sip. "You know, I really think you should invest in a real television."

"How is that not a 'real' television?" I challenged her.

"Well, it's only five feet away and I can barely see whatever show is on because the screen is so small... not to mention it's in black and white- oh, and you only get like, three channels," she told me.

"What more do you need?" I went on.

She chuckled. "You're so old- old fashioned, too." Were we...

"Is that supposed to be an insult?" I joked. Flirting?

"Hmm, maybe," she replied, her voice honeyed as she eyed me and proceeded to put her drink down. Like, for real and still?

I smirked at her, only fueling the fire, really, at this point. Though, I wasn't sure how I felt about all of it right now. How was I supposed to feel? Is there any correct way?

Her hand, as it retreated from the table upon which she'd just placed her coffee, landed on my leg. Like, my thigh- upper and practically inner. I felt my breath hitch because, Christ, that was an incredibly bold move and she'd taken me completely by surprise. I suspect she read all of that on my face because she smiled at me after noticing my reaction.

I put my drink down, too, despite knowing exactly what I was setting myself up for... even though I was unsure if I even wanted that just yet.

I turned ever-so-slightly to look at her and, seemingly without thinking, she reached her hand out and grabbed my face, pulling my mouth onto hers. I didn't stop it, no, I kissed her back- and wholeheartedly, too.

I felt her hand start to move on my leg and her tongue begin to enter my mouth.

I pulled away. She stopped.

"That- was a whole lot better than last time," she commented.

I chuckled. "Thanks, I think."

"Why'd you p-"

"Because..." I paused. I couldn't tell her I pulled away because of Bucky, so I had to come up with something to get around that. "There was someone, actually. Someone else."

"Oh? Interesting. When?" She asked, acting more like my best friend now as she pulled her hand away and grabbed her coffee again.

"Uhh... A while ago."

"Was she beautiful?" she questioned sarcastically.

"More than anything," I answered seriously. "But, it kinda-"

"Ended?" I hate that word. "Why?"

"I- don't really know. I guess we just didn't see each other for a while and it fizzled."

"So why does that still matter now?" she questioned.

"Because... we ran into each other recently," I told her.

"Really? When? What happened?"

"It was a little while ago, actually," I started. "While we were in D.C. and, uhh... well, there was something that was off about it all. Nothing really seemed to make any sense. There was this sort of change within their personality that really threw me off guard. It ruined all my hopes that we'd get back together, I guess."

"Steve, trust me, we've all had our crazy romances like that. Ones that feel like they're so right and so perfect that nothing could ever change or break you two apart- but then something does and everything's different even though your dreams managed to remain the same. But, trust me, if it's meant to be, you'll both find your way back to one another."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do, and I don't believe a lot of things," she smiled. "Is she why you kept saying no to all the women I was trying to set you up with?"

"Yea," I replied.

"I know it's hard to move on, especially after so many things change, but sometimes it's all we can do," she advised.

"But... I don't want to. I can't, not while there's still hope."

"I know what you mean," she said. "I, back in Russia a few years ago, dated a guy that I didn't really know all that well. He was kind of mysterious and I liked that about him, but I knew full well that I shouldn't be dating at all because it was too dangerous with my job... that people might target him to get at me. I went on with it anyway. He ended up becoming someone I didn't even recognize anymore in the end- a shell of the man I used to know, in a sense."

"Really?" I asked, realizing how similar our situations had been.

"Yea... as a matter of fact. I ran into him a little while ago, too. It, uh... it was your friend."

"...Sam?" I sounded surprised. "You dated-"

"No- James. I dated James, as I knew him then."

I felt everything stop. The smile fell from my face. "You what?"

She laughed like it was a joke. "Yea, I dated The Winter Soldier a while ago, before I even knew that he was who he is. He was different, though, back then. He was always so nice and funny and everything I could have ever asked for in a man. Until, of course, one day he just showed up near Odessa, Iran and drove me and my engineer off a cliff and shot straight through me to kill him."

"He did?"

"Mhmm, it was him, just like I told you in the hospital after Fury was shot," she reminded me.

"Oh yea, and you made that stupid remark about not being able to wear bikinis ever again."

"That's the day," she chuckled. "Either way, it stirred something in me to see him again... but I know he isn't the man I once knew him as and that none of that was going to change any time soon- and that I'm not willing to wait."

"I guess that's the difference between us, then," I commented.

"Hmm?"

"I am."

—————

I will wait until the end of time for you, Buck.

Know that, if nothing else, I'll do whatever it takes to have you by my side just as we were back then.

~ S. Rogers