Dear Diary,

Well it's been a while... and today was meant to be just your typical day too, you know, normal routine and such. But, nothing always seems to turn into something when it's about me.

Today ended up being kinda... weird... I don't know how else to explain it.

The whole day, everything felt fake. It all felt like an illusion set to trick me out or something.

Though, it obviously wasn't... it still felt like a dream.

Allow me to start from the beginning.....

—————

"Guess what comes out today Stevie?" Bucky asked. He seemed super excited too.

"What's that, Buck?"

"The Black Cat... you know, that horror movie I've wanted to see for ages now," he said, giddily.

My eyes must've popped out of my face, "oh... yea, right." To be completely honest, I hated horror films. They totally freaked me out and I would be left with nightmares for weeks after to show for it, too.

"Ready?" He asked.

"Uh— oh yea, sure," I said. I thought we would go maybe tomorrow morning when it was light outside... guess not. We had to go tonight, at 8.

• • •

Upon arriving a strong scent hit me. Butter. Popcorn. Caramels and all kinds of sweets filled the air and left my mouth watering. We both stumbled over to the counter to buy some popcorn because (1) why not? (2) what's a movie without popcorn? (3) it's scent was undeniably the most irresistible and just straight up amazing thing I had smelled in days.

The theater was unexpectedly empty even though it was expected for it to be jam packed on opening night. By empty, I mean we were literally the only ones there.

We took our seats at the very top all the way in the right corner just as Bucky liked it because it felt secure up there. To me, I just felt cornered and claustrophobic.

He held the thin, paper popcorn bag securely in his hands and rested it on his lap where it was easily accessible to the both of us. It was nearly empty before the lights turned off, nevermind before the movie began.

And so there it was, in all of its black and white glory. Screams of terror and haunted mansions... ghosts, goblins and monsters... serial killers with axes, witches with broomsticks and mad men with loaded guns and bloody knives. Every noise I heard I jumped. Sure, it was expected to be scary as the movie was clearly stated to be a horror film... but they just didn't seem to sit quite right with me.

Thunder cracked and struck the house on the screen, scaring the daylights out of me. My knees were clutched between my arms as I sat curled up in a ball in my chair. Every now and again I would peek up from behind my knees only to see a bloody murderer killing someone or that terribly unlucky black cat...

Out of nowhere, a warm hand planted itself on my left shoulder. I jumped, as I was obviously jittery, and quickly turned to look and see Bucky. I'm doing so I was reminded of how empty the other chairs were... how creepy that is... how utterly alone we were.

"You alright there, Stevie?" His warm whisper pushed its way down my neck and sent shivers down my spine, leaving me no choice but to close my eyes at the sensation.

And for a moment, I even lost my words, "uh... oh," I turned to face him, "Yea yea... yea I'm, yea. I'm good," I stuttered.

"You sure? I mean, you don't look so hot..." he inched closer. His hand found my face, holding first my forehead and then my cheek. "Actually, you feel like ice... so weird," he added.

"Oh, uh... well, uh, I guess. I mean, I'm fine. Really," I assured him.

"Jesus Steve, enough is enough. You're not feeling good, so we can go. Not a biggie, we can see this any time." While I knew he meant that sincerely, I still felt bad. I felt like he was always doing the right thing and being selfless and caring for me in times of need which, by the way, seem to be all the time. I wanted to be the bigger guy this time.

"No, Buck, really. You've wanted to see this for ages. I'll be fine," I whispered back.

"No, it's not fine. Come on, we're going," he murmured. He pulled himself to his feet and, in doing so, pulled me up with him. Now, it was obvious that I was crouched up in a little ball in my chair, right? Right. So, in pulling me out of my chair, unexpectedly nonetheless, I was thrown off.

I would have fallen onto the floor before me if Bucky hadn't been there to catch me in his chest. His strong arms wrapped around me and, oh God how I never wanted him to let go. Strange. I shut my eyes in the moment to savor every last rise of his chest and every last ounce of heat pushing out of him and into me. I looked up to see him looking down at me, eyes glazed over. Weird. I could feel pretty much, well, everything there was to his body. Every muscular bump stood out to me and latched onto me. I stood there staring into his eyes like I was in no control whatsoever. Odd.

His eyes looked... mysterious... ominous... no. Foreboding. Like inside he was screaming please! look away! back up, this wasn't supposed to happen, Steve! But I ignored him, just as he ignored himself.

He inched closer and I felt his nose tickle the side of mine, though I was too distracted to notice right away. His hair fell out of place and brushed onto my forehead. He swallowed audibly then licked his lips... my mind was racing and my heart was pounding when a loud crack of thunder struck the house on the screen yet again. We both pulled away, snapping back into our torturous realities.

I could feel the blush rushing to my face... in the heat of the moment I ran out of the theater and into the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and prayed that no one else was in there with me. I was sure Bucky would chase after me but I was in no mood to talk with him about anything, nevermind this.

My reaction to this was so bizarre. It's so unlike me, it's something I would never do. I feel so... different.

I stood in front of the dirt ridden mirror on the beige wall with chipping paint and leaned on the counter. Looking at the man before me I didn't recognize him. Tears stained his reddened face and that's how I knew it wasn't me. Something I would never do is cry. What's there to cry for anyway? I've been punched and kicked and beaten up thousands of times but Bucky always says that if you get hurt you walk it off. Don't let 'em see you cry, he says. So I didn't. Never did. But this time, I suppose it was just as well because it was bound to happen eventually. All those emotions pent up for so long.

Though, I wasn't so sure what these emotions were representative of until now...

The door bounced in its frame as someone knocked on it loudly. "What do you want?" I said loudly, my voice crackling uncontrollably.

"Steve, let me in! Come on, pal, please," his voice was muffled and I could tell he was leaning up against the door.

I ignored him and wiped the tears off of my face. I walked to the door and sat down and leaned up against it, my head in my hands.

I stayed like this for what felt like hours. Bucky had probably left me a while ago, I thought. I just kept replaying it in my head... that moment. Probably because that feeling is unlike anything I've ever felt before. I can't even begin to describe it.

Eventually I stood, unlocked the door and opened it. Bucky was sitting there leaned up against it too, just as I had been, the whole while. He nearly fell over when I opened the door.

"Bucky?" I was in utter shock.

"Steve, hey..." he hesitated, then came in and gave me a hug. His neck smelled like mint... and something else sort of earthy, like wood, maybe. Soft skin, warmth radiating off of him... "Let's head home, okay?" His words interrupted my thoughts, so I just nodded.

We went home and didn't say a word to each other the whole while. He stayed over my house, too. The only difference between this time and the last is that we didn't stay up until three in the morning talking about nothing.

Instead, it was just me and my thoughts until then.

—————

I honestly am more confused than anything. I don't seem to know who I am anymore. Things are changing so fast and so much that I feel like I'm getting lost in the little moments.

We've known one another for a long while, too, but something just seems off.

I wonder what on Earth it could be...

~ S. G. R.