Dear Diary,

It's that time of year again, and I couldn't be more excited!

Usually, people my age are excited for days like their birthday or Christmas or something bigger... but this? These little, annual, trips to Coney Island? That's what I look forward to all year.

—————

We decided to take the train from home to Coney Island this year with the hopes that everything would work out alright at the end of the day.

When we finally got there, it was about 4 o'clock in the afternoon and we really did have the whole day ahead of us to do whatever we wanted. I knew it would be a great day, just as it always was every year.

Walking through the streets with him by my side was like nothing I had ever felt before... it was a sort of pure joy that I feel like is only achievable when I'm with him. He looked down at me as I walked there alongside him, and I acted didn't notice. We had been making our way through the boardwalk, looking for something fun to do and there were so many options.

"You hungry?" He asked me, making me look up at him. To be fair, I was zoning out on the amusement park that rested by the water. The wooden coasters and tall structures seemed to be calling out for me. I wasn't even thinking about anything else at the moment.

"Uh- oh... uhm, yea. Kinda. Are you?" I replied.

"Yea... anything here you wanna eat or not really?" He came back.

I scanned the shops and stands nearby and made a face at him. I pointed at a pretzel stand. "How's that look?" I asked.

"Ooooooo yea. They have hot dogs, too. That's what I'm gonna get," he told me.

We walked over to the stand to get our food and, of course, he wouldn't let me pay for my stuff. Even when we were in public he had to find some way to tell me that I was his and he was mine.

After sitting at the little food area that was set up, we decided on the Ferris wheel to start of slow, as we had just eaten. So, we hopped on line.

There were a lot of people waiting to get on, so it took a little while to load all the carts and, somehow, me and him managed to get one all on our own. Oh, how that seemed to fuel my fantasy.

And just then, the park seemed to get smaller and smaller until every little person and ride and noise seemed to become insignificant. Like the world was washing away and we were floating off into the air. At least we were together, I thought. If it he and I to be the last two people on Earth, dear God, was I glad it was him.

It wasn't even that we were talking or doing something, because that wasn't it at all... that wasn't what was triggering these thoughts. I suppose it was that this was an annual occurrence, our trips to Luna Park at Coney Island. I guess it's been a realization process for me, today more so than ever before, in that I had usually taken this trip for granted. Sure, we did this every year, but it's just now hitting me that we may never do this again.

As I sat next to him, I took his hand in mine in the small gap between our legs. He looked over at me and smiled. "You know, we did this last time... and you know we ca-"

"I know, Buck. I know we can't do more than this," I cut him off. "But maybe this is all we need right now... this is all we've got."

He didn't say anything more. He just looked at me. Now, he knew I didn't mind this, though I wished he would say something to me... who knew how much more there would be to say? How much more time is there to potentially say anything?

I hated this. I hate thinking so negatively, but it's hard to ignore the facts. It's hard for me to cope with something I simply cannot control and it sucks because I miss out on the now by focusing on the unknown future.

I felt him let go of my hand and realized that we were nearly at the bottom again. He looked out to the side so that he might not make it obvious that we had just been lost in each other's eyes.

The man opened the cart as we came to a halt, making us stand and smiling at us halfheartedly as we exited the pod.

"What do you wanna do now, then?" he asked as we walked away. We hadn't even been on the Ferris Wheel for that long, or at least that's what I thought before I noticed that it was starting to get dark and that the sun had already begun to set.

"Honestly, I've been waiting to try out some of the rides I didn't go on last time," I explained.

"Oh yea?" he replied, clearly making his tone either snippy, or flirty... I couldn't differentiate anymore. Maybe both.

"Yea, why not?"

"Ahhhhh I see," he paused. "So you're a tough guy?"

"Duh," I said, shrugging it off like I was awesome and I knew it. The only thing was, though, that I wasn't.

"Alright, Steve, let's go then," he said, strutting off confidently.

"Woah woah woah," I ran up to him. "Go where, Buck?" I asked.

"The Cyclone."

I felt my eyes widen. "Uhmmm, I don't know if I'm ready for that."

"But, Stevie," he whispered, making me think he was going to come over to me and hold me, even though I knew he would never do that in public no matter how much I wanted him to. His hand met my arm and he looked at me like I was the only one there... no. Like I was the only one in the world; making my face go hot. Then he pulled it all away from me as his facial expression changed and he stepped away from me. "You have to."

"I don't have to," I replied, looking away from him so that he might have sympathy for me.

"It's too late, you already said you were gonna try out the rides we didn't do last time... and you know damn well you're not gonna get by this time with just the Ferris Wheel," he raised one eyebrow at me.

I felt like I was melting. Like, obviously I didn't want to go get on that massive wooden death machine, but I also didn't wanna look like a weakling in front of him... ugh and that look he was giving me.

I looked over at the structure and thought about it. I looked at the sign hanging on the side of it that read CYCLONE in giant letters. "Later?" I asked, hesitantly.

"Now," he grabbed my arm and started dragging me over to the ride. I didn't fight it, though, and I don't know why.

I can do this. I know I can. I got this.

No I can't, oh my God... look at it. I am literally going to die, this is my death day and that's it. Okay, now that5 I've accepted it, I can move on and get on this ride and just die.

"Ready?" he asked, lowering down to my face level and looking me in the face.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready, Buck," I said, looking back up at the wooden death trap as people rode past us screaming.

"Oh come oooooooon," he nudged me. "It's not gonna be that bad."

"If you say so."

We walked up to the line and stood there, just waiting for my inevitable death. I looked at him and he wasn't paying attention, but he was smiling up at the sign. I smiled, then, too and, for a moment, all my worries seemed to slip away. Grab me, I thought, just for a moment- no one will see. Just your finger against the back of my hand or your arm against mine, even as an accident or as a joke... maybe then I can forget this.

"Steve," he said, grabbing my shoulder in his palm. I felt it, like a spark. I thought my skin might ignite, whether it be from my uncontrollable nerves, or from him.

I blinked away the blurriness and focused back into reality, seeing that the ticket man had asked for my ticket and had also, probably, seen me staring at Bucky for way too long. I handed him the small rectangle of paper and was on my way past the gate, following Bucky's lead.

I almost wanted him to reach back and extend his hand to me so that I might take it in attempts to take my mind off the situation.

And before I knew what was happening, we were strapped into the seats. They were for two people, so he sat on my left. We were sitting in the front cart and I looked at him, knowing I would have to look down when we descended down the hill.

I heard the clank of the tracks below us releasing the cart. We started making our way up the hill and I looked over at him, and he looked at me. He took my hand in his for a moment and smiled at me, then pulled away.

I looked at what was ahead of me but there was nothing. Just air.

Then, we dropped.
And everything went dark.

When I reopened my eyes we were whipping up and down and all over the place... I couldn't even think. And then it was over.

All I knew for sure was that I needed to get out of that chair.

As soon as the lap bars flew up, I stood and stumbled out of the chair. Everything was spinning, I felt like the ground was moving out from under me... then his arm was around me and we had, somehow, made our way down the stairs.

I looked up at him and he narrowed his eyes. He was talking, but I couldn't hear him. I saw his mouth moving, the mouth I had once yearned for, but couldn't make out the words.

He looked... fuzzy, like was coming in and out of focus. I heard my name, I looked around for- there it was.

I leaned over the large metal can and my heavy stomach felt light again as what felt like a ball of my insides traveled up my throat and made its way into the can as I threw up.

Fuck fuck fuck, everyone's looking at me.

He was standing there, a distance away from me so as not to act suspicious about us or whatever. He looked concerned... the same way he looked concerned when I got pneumonia or when mom died.

I didn't want to walk to him, though, as I felt embarrassed. I knew something like this would happen, Goddamnit.

He had run over to a nearby stand and bought a water bottle, a pack of gum, taken some napkins and walked over to me. He hesitated, like he might have helped me himself, but instead handed me the napkins to use myself. I wiped my face and threw them into the trash can. Looking back at it, I was lucky to have managed aiming correctly at a time like that.

We walked down the boardwalk with his arm around me for stabilization as I was still unimaginably dizzy. I'm sure that was evident to bystanders, too, as we were wobbling all across the sidewalk as we made our way somewhere... wherever somewhere might be.

As we sat down on the wooden ground, I realized we had walked the short distance to the pier. I then proceeded to take my shoes and socks off as he did the same, both of us putting our feet into the ice-cold water. 

"You alright?" he asked, seriously.

I nodded, not sure if I should trust my voice just yet.

Then, he broke out in laughter. "Steve," he laughed, "holy crap, you were green!" he held his stomach as we leaned forward and made fun of me.

"You know damn well you're just laughing because you know how lucky you are that I didn't throw up on you, Buck. I mean, I nearly did," I replied with a barely-there scratchy voice.

"Oh, but that would have been funny too," he chuckled, "because then, I would have had to take off my shirt and potentially my pants too. That would have just embarrassed you... I wonder what the combination of your green-nauseated-face and your red-embarrassed-face would look like..." he pondered, looking off into the distance jokingly.

I smiled, starting to blush.

"Well, I can tell you're not gonna throw up again... mostly because you're more red than you are green."

I reached over and took the water bottle from him. "D'you want any of this before I drink out of it?" I asked, ignoring his comment.

"No, you need it more than I do. It's important to stay hydrated, Steve, you know," he said mockingly.

"Okay alright okay," I paused. "I threw up on the Cyclone, everyone!" I yelled out to the sea. "Anyone out there? That's right, it was me, Steven Grant Rogers!"

He looked at me like I had gone mad. Maybe I had. Maybe I liked it. 

"You're crazy," he announced, nudging the water closer to my mouth so that I might drink it.

I sipped at it slowly at first. "You ever gonna gimme that gum or are you trying to smell my vomit breath?" I asked him sarcastically, myself laughing this time.

He handed me a piece and laughed. "Sometimes, Rogers. Sometimes."

I took it and looked out to what was before us. How grand the sea was, I thought. So mysterious and ominous and... unknown. It was a dark blue-black color, reflecting what would soon be exhibited above us in the sky. I watched the colors of the rides behind us flicker back and forth between red and blue in the rippled reflection of the water, flicking my feet to make it almost look like a dance.

Then, I looked out. Not to the sea, no, not again, that had already been seen. This time, to the horizon. To what was coming or going from our visible range of sight. The sun had surely passed down below the horizon behind us, now all that was left was to wait for the stars to roll in.

I laid on my back on the wooden dock and blocked out all the background noise. Everything became muffled so that I could focus better on the sound of the water lapping against the wooden poles below us.

—————

Yes, I threw up. Yes, it was absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, Bucky's fault.

The thing is, I don't really mind. It was inevitable. Out of my control, even. The result was worse than I had originally anticipated, yet... I suppose it all washed away in the end, right?

I guess that's just the way some things go.

~ Steve Rogers