Dear Diary,

Summer is officially here! Ugh, I love the warm weather... there's nothing like it. Besides, this way I get to see Bucky in less clothes, which is always good.

But, not all is okay with us anymore, unfortunately...

—————

"Tommorow?" I asked, feeling blindsided and abandoned. "Bucky, you can't- I mean... It's too soon."

"It's actually right on time, Steve. I think enlisting right now might be one of the best things for me and for my country," he explained.

"What about me? What about us?" I began to ask frantically. "You know damn well they won't take me; you know it! You insist you have to do this alone but I don't see how you could possibly expect me to feel okay after that."

"Well I-"

"As a matter of fact, I feel God awful. It's not fair, Buck, it's not. I want to join with you... maybe I'll do it anyway and see what they say."

"Steve, no, it's too dangerous," he argued with me. "What if they let you in? Then what?"

"Then I'm in and it will have all worked out just fine."

"You don't know that. It's not safe out there, you don't understan-"

"I do understand, Bucky," I cut him off. "I do. But it's no more safe for you than it is for me... it's a war zone out there. I just hope you're ready for whatever may be coming because I know I most certainly am not ready to lose you. At least I know enough to acknowledge that as a possibility."

He looked worried at what I had just said, like it was something he'd thought about before, too, but couldn't bare to think about any longer. "I know," was all he said on the matter of the war. All I could do was hope that I had gotten through to him.

"Come on, I wanna show you something," he said, motioning for me to follow him out the front door in attempts to get rid of all the terrible tension surrounding us.

We made our way down the street and it was hotter than I had thought it would be... and this walk was starting to take a lot longer than I had hoped it would.

"Where, exactly, are we going?" I asked impatiently.

"Relax, Steve, we're here," he told me. I looked out ahead of us and saw nothing but the ocean... it wasn't the beach, though. It was... a port?

"The docks?" I asked, realizing where we were. "You remembered... I-" I was at a loss for words. "It's been... forever... I mean..."

"Four years ago today," he reminded me. "And, me? Remember? How could I forget our first kiss?"

"God it was, what? 1935? Things were so different and, I mean, it's... that's insane," I began. "What was it that I'd said to you, Bucky... do you remember?" I questioned, genuinely wondering what it was I had said to him directly thereafter.

"I asked you if it was everything you had imagined it would be, just before I kissed you... then, you told me that it had been more."

I smiled at the fact that he remembered, but I was surprised that I had forgotten. It really did feel like forever ago... and look how far we've come.

"Now then... do you wanna swim?" he asked.

"I would love to," I said. "Uh, but, we forgot swim suits... again."

"It's alright. We don't need those."

"Well I'm not about to swim in my clothes, Buck," I told him.

"Duh, haven't we had this conversation before? The only difference between now and four years ago is that we don't even need to swim in our underwear this time," he smirked at me.

I laughed, "alright, fair enough."

We headed to the water and stripped off all of our clothes, leaving them there on the weathered wooden dock. The sun had started to set and I looked out into the sea to watch the reflection of all those deep reds and oranges and yellows.

"It's beautiful," I said, turning to him.

"You really are," he replied, his eyes never wavering from my face.

I felt myself blushing. I guess it really doesn't matter how much he looks at me or how many times he comments on what I look like or how he thinks of me... those kinds of thinks will always have an impact on me. I'll always react and he knows that.

Before he said something else that would get me even more flustered, I jumped into the warm ocean water. I looked down and, to be honest, it was a bit murky and I couldn't see past my mid-abdomen, but it was fine by me like this.

I looked up at him and, I swear, he looks perfect from every angle. Then, he jumped in next to me, splashing me and coming up with a big smile plastered on his face.

I splashed him and he did the same until it was a free for all, a fully blown war of who could out-splash the other. He ended up grabbing my wrist in one hand as he gripped my waist in the other, catching me completely off guard.

I didn't bother fighting him as he pulled me close to his body. I felt my eyes grow wide as our bodies melded together below the water's surface, as the fact that we were naked had completely fell from my mind until just now. His hand slipped down further from my waist, traveling past my ass for a moment until he had started making his way back up, beginning by simply massaging from the top of my leg. 

Since his feet touched the sand at the ocean floor, he pulled my legs onto his waist and I wrapped them around him. My arms had made their way around his neck. He rested his hands on my ass and started moving me up and down on his body. We were... er, his... it was rubbing up on my stomach.

Goddamn, he had to have been hard before he even grabbed me to be this far along already.

I looked down at what we blended to create and felt my teeth meet my lip and bite down to hold back something stirring up inside me. I reached down and repositioned myself so that I might feel it too. When I looked back up at him, he slowly inched closer to my lips, making me want him to just take me right here and do whatever he wanted with me.

I crashed my lips into his, breathing in through my nose deeply and starting to grind on his body. I hummed into his mouth as I felt myself start to get hard and, as a result, he grabbed my ass even harder and tried to pull me as close as he could. His lips parted from mine but our foreheads stayed together... I could immediately hear he was out of breath.

I moved my body with more force, hoping to God that I could get a reaction out of him. His hand surfaced out of the water and grabbed for the back of my neck, pulling me up to meet his lips before he could finish groaning out into the air.

His fingers ran through my hair and traced along the edges of my face until he made his way down my neck and chest. I could hear his breath hitch and feel his body nearly shaking with every movement I made.

He hummed against my lips before pulling away to whisper "oh, fuck, baby," against me. I felt my heart skip a beat as he did so, realizing he'd never actually called me that before. God, and his deep voice cut through the warm air like a knife.

I felt his lips meet my cheek, then my jaw and neck until I was leaning back to a degree and he had started kissing the base of my neck near my collar bone as well as the top of my chest.

Then, it was like he was biting my chest and sucking on my skin... I heard myself moaning and dug my hands into his hair. He moved his lips up to the bottom of my neck and did the same thing again, forcing me to close my eyes and listen to him work.

He chuckled as he pulled away from me. I opened my eyes and saw him looking down at where he just was. I brought my hand to my chest and looked down to see two purple-black splotches on my skin. I liked them, despite what I might have originally thought if he would have asked me first.

"Kiss me," I whispered, pulling his eyes off of my chest and back up to my eyes. Or, lips, rather.

His wet mouth met mine gently when he first came in to kiss me. He was teasing me.

"Bucky, kiss me like you mean it," I told him.

He pushed onto my lips with a new awakening and wouldn't stop. I started grinding on him again, only, slower this time. He started moving his hips to, maybe so that I might move mine faster... I refused. I wanted to savor this perfect moment.

I pulled away from the kiss and looked him in the face. I picked up the pace of my hips and watched him react. His arms tightened around me, his teeth met his lower lip, his abdomen clenched beneath me and his legs twitched uncontrollably. God, I loved him like this...  I loved the surge of energy that pushed through my veins when my want for him to want me became a reality.

I leaned over to his ear and whispered to him, "I want you to fuck me." I heard him swallow from where I was as I waited for him to take action.

"Get on the dock," he demanded, pulling our naked bodies away for a second. I already missed him. He then pulled himself up, then hoisted me up to join him. I was honestly surprised that it wasn't too cold for us to stand out there wet and wearing nothing.

The sun had set, it I wasn't really just looking at his silhouette. The bright moon shone down from the clear sky, along with the tiny insignificant stars to allow me to see his beautiful face.

He walked towards me and kissed me until I felt completely overwhelmed with a feeling much greater than words could explain, if, at this point, I had even retained the ability to speak. This felt like it was more than love... and definitely more than just lust. It was the essence of life; life - divine, everlasting and perfect in every sense of the word. It felt like the city had gone dark along with the whole rest of the world - even if it was just for this moment - and the moon had fallen from the sky and all that was left to provide us light was stardust.

He started nudging me to get down on the ground, so I did and he followed. He laid on top of me, holding my hands at either side of my head.

"God, I love you," he murmured quickly against my lips before getting straight back into kissing me. It was little things like that that made me feel like we were inseparable. It sent chills down my spine, though, thinking that this might be one of the last times he would be able to tell me...

No. Stop, I can't think about this. I can't. Because then I'll- then, it all becomes real. Even more real than the fact that he's leaving me. And that he's leaving me tomorrow.

I felt a tear travel down the side of my face and slide down to my ear, as I had been laying down. I reached up and grabbed his face in my hands and pulled him into me, wondering if there was a more perfect match out there for either of us and hoping that he would just lay there and hold me forever.

He spread my legs and lifted me up by my ass, pulling our naked bodies together and forcing my legs around his waist. I was on an upward angle, the top of my back and shoulders on the ground while he held my legs around his waist as he rested on his knees.

I opened my eyes and watched him maneuver in the dark, he was massaging my legs and ass and fuck, I didn't even think I could get more hard but it was almost starting to hurt with all that pressure.

I felt his finger slide into me and I inhaled sharply, not expecting that at all. He hadn't- well, it's been a while since he's done that. Then, quickly and without a second thought, he pulled out and pushed down on me with the full weight of his body. I whined uncontrollably as he pushed the air out of my chest inadvertently.

We looked at one another as he leaned back again, my hand meeting his face and his hand landing on top of mine. He led my fingers to his mouth and took them in, starting to suck on them.

I let my eyes close and just felt my fingers against his tongue. I let that feeling resonate in my mind until I felt his hand brush down my abdomen and then along my dick... my legs started to shake and I-

"Bucky- stop.... fuck," I whispered all too quickly. "I'm gonna... just don't- you can't touch me, not yet... I wanna wait."

"For... what?" he asked slyly, already knowing what my answer would be.

"I want you... inside me before I- you know..."

"Before you... what?" he replied, coming closer to my face so I could feel his hot breath on my neck.

I looked at him and felt my face go hot. "Before I come," I licked my lips nervously.

"C'mere," he growled, coming down to my face and connecting our lips yet again. He bit my lip and pulled it up, making me throw my head back and moan straight into the open air.

Before I could come down from the high of all those intense feelings at once... he pushed himself into me and I damn near cried out. The best part about it was that he didn't even stop after that... he kept on going like he knew exactly what I wanted. Not that is wasn't... because it definitely was. 

I reached up for his arm and pulled down on it, as I wanted him close to me. I wanted to feel him against me. 

I felt his toned abdomen rub against my stomach and watched how fluidly his body moved above me and within me. 

"Fuck..." I whispered into his ear, feeling the intensity within my own body begin to boil simply because my dick was rubbing between our sweaty bodies. Ugh, and he kept pushing into me so rough... He was hitting that spot that made me cry out uncontrollably. 

I'm really not one to curse much, but I heard strings of them falling from my lips at the moment and even heard myself making noises that I didn't recognize. It was like a combination of so much more than just the physical sensations. 

"Don't, Steve... not yet," he whispered to me. 

I moaned into his neck at the thought that he wanted this to last as long as possible, and also at my utter inability to assist in this. "Goddamn... I don't think I can wait," I whined, trying not to sound so out of control. 

He repositioned himself so that our faces were in line. I looked up at him face and watched him as he felt every little thing that was happening to him... after he smiled, he bit his lip and closed his eyes and moaned and- and I'm not sure how much more of this would be bearable before-

My eyes closed as I felt my legs start to shake and it felt so unreal and like nothing I had ever felt before. It was like my body went numb all over... like I couldn't focus. Everything I was feeling started to build up to the point of not going back and before I could even say anything, I felt myself throbbing and releasing in between our bodies and heard myself say something aloud... his name, most likely.

Just a few moments after, his body tightened and I felt him halt as he moaned quietly seemingly uncontrollably into my ear. I felt him inside me... pulsating and releasing all at once, like there was nothing else in the world but this. 

After laying there for a few moments in attempts for him to catch his breath and for me to catch mine, he pulled out and rolled to my side. 

I looked over at him and watched him as he watched me. He smiled at me and looked down at my chest with a chuckle. I, then, looked down too. 

"Bucky- Holy crap!" I whisper-yelled at him. "I didn't notice that they were this dark until now. Why did you d-"

"Because, Steve... when I leave, you know nothing will ever be the same. It - we - will never be like this again. If this isn't for you then it's for me. For us. I know it's not permanent... but nothing's forever, right?" He took in a long breath. "I mean, I guess this was just a lousy attempt to stay with you even after I've gone."

I can't take this. I really have no words for how this is killing me. It was like he was telling me that he wasn't going to go and, maybe for a second I really believed it to be true. Maybe that's what he wanted... for me to not worry, but to go on as if he were there with me all the while. I simply can't imagine that, unfortunately for myself.

"Is this it, then?" I asked, feeling the all too familiar sting in my eyes starting to build up.

"It's only the beginning," he told me.

"How can this be the beginning if you're leaving me, Buck?" I asked, frustrated. "I love you so much that there aren't even words to describe it. There's nothing else to me but us because that's all I've got. It's just us. All I want is for this to work and you know that but you ha-"

"You're right. I do have to. I have to serve my country. It's the right thing to do and you know that damn well."

"I know. I'm not necessarily telling you not to go... I just don't want this to be the end of the line."

"It's not, trust me. You'll- we'll see each other again. I promise," he said sincerely.

"I'd like to come wi-"

"We already talked about this, Steve," he cut me off. " It's not smart, the whole 'you tagging along' thing. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to do this and everything else for the rest of my life with you and you need to know that. I just don't want you to do this unnecessarily. I don't want you to get hurt, that's all."

"Don't you understand that when I tell you I'll be with you anywhere you go, I mean it? Bucky, it doesn't matter where you end up because I'll be there. Whether I have to follow you to the ends of the earth or lay with you six feet beneath it's surface doesn't matter to me. I don't care what I have to endure because I'll do whatever it takes to be with you."

"Oh, Stevie... I'm so sorry."

I looked at him in confusion. We had already gone over this and I understood that he was leaving... the fact that it was being mentioned continuously, though, was not making me feel any better. 

"I knew it would come to this eventually... it just feels all too soon."

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

"Say we were to start over again. If I told you this was only gonna hurt- if I warned you that we'd eventually split up and that the fire we would forge would eventually burn you, would you walk into it without thinking twice?"

"In a heartbeat."

"Really?" I heard his voice almost break, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. 

"Really. I wouldn't trade this for anything. You're everything," I told him. "And, Buck... you should know that I'm alright with this. Well, if I'm not, I will be because, honestly, I don't pay attention to the world ending anymore... it's ended for me many times and began again in the morning. It's going to happen again and again for me, but I've learned that it's okay."

"No, it's not. I don't want to make you go through that. Last time, I was there for you as a result of the last occurrence with your mom... I can't bear to think that you'll end up like that again all because of me."

"It's okay," I whispered, feeling my throat start to get tight and my eyes start to water. "It's okay because I love you, Bucky, more than anything. If it had to be someone, it's better that it was you."

"Wha- why?" he asked, nearly choking on his words and trying to resist the tears that would inevitably fall down his cheeks. 

"Because it doesn't matter what you do, Buck," I began. " You can leave with the intent of never coming back. You can hurt me and sleep with someone else. You can torture me with reality, torment me slowly with worry and kill me softly in my inevitable, recurring nightmares... but, I'll always forgive you. Because it's always going to be you, Bucky, over everyone else and until the end of time."

—————

Looking back at this - at our last real moment - I realized that this is us. That this is what we were all along, we just weren't ever able to really show it until now. How ironic, really, that it took so long to get here and now that it's here it's nearly gone. 

That is something that would happen to us, isn't it?

I think about this night together... the time we spent staying up until the sun rose, as I call it now, and I can't help but tear up.

I cry when I look back at it now, not because it was sad or because I wished we had more time that night... but because I wish I knew what was coming for us both. It's so unclear and unknown, yet inevitably, something will go wrong. 

I just wish I knew what it was.  

~ Steve Rogers