Dearest Diary,

Now that I'm in charge... I guess I'd better start getting my mission plan ready... though, I'm not entirely sure how good I'll be at that.

Looking at past experiences, I only seem to be successful in missions that involve Bucky in some way; I just don't see how he could, in any way, be a part in any of this.

—————

I decided to go out on a walk this morning, in order to get all my thoughts in place. I needed to step up and fix everything, as it was now all on me. At this point, I need to be willing to do anything to get through this perfectly.

Whatever it takes.

I stopped at a bridge as I came across it. There was a pretty nice view from there and I started to realize that, for me to be happy, it needs to be the little things in life. This right here? It couldn't be more perfect- unless Bucky was by my side.

It was muggy outside... just like it was every so often in Brooklyn. Though, there was that one day that stuck in my head and remains there to this moment.

"We looked for you after," I heard his voice begin anew. I heard the church bells ringing in the distance as if we were really there. "My folks wanted to give you a ride to the cemetery," he went on.

Then, almost like I had no control over myself in this moment, I was there. It was like the current view of water and trees and fog had disappeared and all I could see was that unbearable day, October 16, 1936.

I remembered avoiding Bucky and his family because I didn't want him to see me so distraught and lost. "I know, I'm sorry it's- I kinda wanted to be alone," I heard myself say. I was watching it happen before me like I was an outsider- as if I wasn't myself and he wasn't himself anymore.

"How was it?" He'd asked.

"It was okay... she's next to dad," I watched my eyes get glassy from an outsiders perspective- like a movie. I saw myself brush the hair off of my surprisingly slim face as we'd approached the door.

"I was gonna ask-" he'd stopped.

"I know what you're gonna say, Buck. It's just..."

"We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids... it'd be fun, all you gotta do is just shine my shoes or maybe take out the trash..." he'd walked over and kicked a brick out of the way, displaying the key to my old place back in Brooklyn. I remembered how my Mom used to put it there for safe keeping. He'd bent over and picked it up, simply handing it to me. "Come on..." I took it from him just then.

"Thank you, Buck... but I can get by on my own."

I remember feeling so far from myself in the moment that I didn't wanna drag him down, too. I couldn't hurt him or show him that I was hurting.

"The thing is, you don't have to," his eyes had narrowed and I remember suddenly feeling like it was just us all by ourselves in this cruel world. His hand had met my shoulder like it did many times before and would again many times after. "I'm with you 'til the end of the line pal."

Those words echoed in my head. That's really something we used to say to one another, wasn't it? I'm only really seeing this now, but we knew all we could rely on was each other and so... this, whatever it was and whatever we wanted to call it, was all we had.

I remembered not knowing what to say after he told me that for the first time in this inexplicable moment. It was like he had pulled me from an intense nightmare and soothed me down from an unrecognizable version of myself. Perhaps this was the only way we'd ever be able to deal with what life had to throw at us. Together.

Sam came walking up next to me and I, suddenly, snapped out of that daydream sorta thing I was in. "He's gonna be there, you know," I heard him say.

"I know," I assured him.

"Look, whoever he used to be- and the guy he is now... I don't think he's the kind you save. He's the kind you stop," he told me.

I wanted to cry- or punch him so hard his teeth fell out. Christ, how could he say something like that? Even if Bucky had been just my friend, which he very obviously wasn't, you can't say something like that to someone... especially to someone like me who just found out this 'friend' is alive.

I compose myself. "I don't know if I can do that," I said truthfully, trying not to show too much emotion.

"Well, he might not give you a choice," Sam reminded me. "He doesn't know you."

It was like a knife plunging through my heart, those words. I couldn't stand to listen to them. I was hopeful because I knew we were together until the bitter end, even if this was it.

"He will," I replied confidently, pausing for a moment. "Gear up. It's time."

"You gonna wear that?" he asked as I started walking away.

"No," I looked back. "If you're gonna fight a war, you gotta wear a uniform."

And, by that, I meant I, specifically, was going to wear the last uniform Bucky saw me in. The one I was given in the '40s. Yes, it's less protective, but maybe this way it'll spark something in him. And, no, I didn't steal it from the museum, okay? I'm gonna return it, you know, later. It's borrowing as long as I bring it back- which, I am.

Ugh, and if I'm being honest... it felt so damn good to be in that old torn up thing. I felt almost invigorated and empowered to be in it again. This was my best shot right here, and I was truly feeling at home.

We, all of us except Natasha, walked through the woods and took backroads to get to the Triskelion undetected. Maria Hill led the way because she knew what she was doing better than I did. Oh, as for Nat, though, we set her up to infiltrate from the inside. She was provided a costume and mask to look like Councilwoman Hawley, a member on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s Council... as of now, she's in there and out in the open.

We snuck in, ran into a locked door which we lured a tech guy over to unlock for us. "Excuse us," was all I said as we walked passed him and he realized who we were. Pretty smooth so far. Then, I took control over the P.A. system and began an announcement.

"Attention all S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents, this is Steve Rogers. You've heard a lot about me over the past few days. Some of you were even ordered to hunt me down. But I think it's time you know the truth. S.H.I.E.L.D. is not what we thought it was. It's been taken over by HYDRA. Alexander Pierce is their leader. The S.T.R.I.K.E. and Insight crew are HYDRA as well. I don't know how many more, but I know they're in the building. They could be standing right next to you. They almost have what they want. Absolute control... They shot Nick Fury. And it won't end there. If you launch those helicarriers today, HYDRA will be able to kill anyone that stands in their way... Unless we stop them. I know I'm asking a lot- But the price of freedom is high. It always has been. And it's a price I'm willing to pay. And if I'm the only one, then so be it. But I'm willing to bet I'm not."

"Did you write that down first, or was it off the top of your head?" Sam asked with a smirk after I stepped away from the microphone. I just kind of laughed it off... but I did kind of just come up with it one the spot.

A few moments later, Hill gave us an update. "They're initiating launch."

With that, me and Sam started running as fast as we could towards those Insight ships... there's no time to waste- not now, not anymore.

"Hey Cap," he started once we got outside. "How do we know the good guys from the bad guys?"

"If they're shooting at you, they're bad," I answered. He took off over the edge of the higher-up level and I jumped down to make my way over.

We were both, as it turned out, met with a bunch of guns shooting at us. "Hey, Cap," Sam began over our radios. "I found those bad guys you were talking about."

"You okay?" I checked.

"I'm not dead yet," he said, sounding out of breath.

"Falcon, status?" I heard Maria question.

"Engaging," he replied. About a minute later, he continued, "Alright Cap, I'm in..... oh, shit," he mumbled.

"Eight minutes, Cap," Hill reminded me.

"Working on it."

Finally, I made my way onto one of the ships and into the main area that Fury had told me about. I entered the code and replaced the old chip with his newly coded one. Perfect.

"Alpha lock," I alerted the others, the first ship was done. I made my way to the next one.

"Falcon, where are you now?" Hill asked.

"Had to take a detour!" he yelled back. "... Woo! Oh yea!" I guess he made it through... something? "I'm in," he finally told us. "Bravo lock."

"Two down, one to go," she relayed. "Charlie carrier is 45 degrees off the port bow... six minutes."

I started running towards the Charlie carrier, but I wasn't gonna make it on my own. "Hey, Sam, gonna need a ride," I requested.

"Roger. Let me know when you're ready," he came back.

A few men started shooting missiles at me, so I jumped off the side of the carrier and started to free fall. "I just did!" I yelled.

He dove at me and took my hand and flew us up with everything he had, slinging me onto the third carrier.

"You know, you're a lot heavier than you look," he commented as he landed at my side.

"I had a big breakfast," I joked, making light of the fact that I literally weigh 240lb+ at this point.

Then, out of nowhere, I got pushed off the side of the carrier again. "Steve!" he yelled, jumping after me. I watched him fall a few seconds later because, luckily, I'd grabbed onto the side of the machine handheld on for dear life.

"Cap! Cap, come in. Are you okay?" Sam radioed me.

"Yea, I'm here!" I replied, pulling myself back up. "I'm still on the helicarrier. Where are you?"

"I'm grounded. The suit's down. Sorry, Cap."

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I got it."

I ran into the carrier and into the main area as fast as I could. When I finally got there and crossed the bridge within it, there was a man in my way. One I couldn't muster up the courage to fight. It was Bucky, and his eyes were filled with rage.

"People are gonna die, Buck," I said as if we were just talking like nothing had happened. That's all I could possibly think to do. "I can't let that happen."

I waited a moment, but he said nothing. He was expressionless. He really didn't know, did he? And what am I to even do about this?

"Please don't make me do this," I pleaded, the intent clear in my voice. He didn't move or say a word. I didn't want to attack him, but there was no other way.

I threw my shield at him and he blocked it; I caught it just as he began to shoot at me. He shot through my side with one bullet, but I pushed on. I had to do this for the greater good. I pushed him back and he fell, hitting the metal ground with a thud.

He stood with might and main, fury glowing in his eyes as he came at me with a knife. I sighed and continued, realizing that I would get shot again - or worse - if I didn't give it my all.

He kicked my knee and I fell, but that wasn't the last he'd see of me. I wasn't finished here just yet. I pushed him away and ran to the panel where I began putting in the code to open the holding cell.

1-4-5-2-ENTER

I heard him coming up behind me, so I spun around and blocked him from stabbing me. As he flung back, I pulled the chip from its place and reached for the new one- but he was too similar to myself. He was my other half, after all, it makes sense that he'd end up just as strong and fast as I am.

He came at the shield and punched it, forging that same thundering sound it had the last time he'd done that exact thing. We grappled and I pushed him into the railing. It felt so ironic that we'd be fist fighting after he was the one who first taught me how to fight all those years ago.

He punched me in the gut and I went into the metal behind me. I looked at him and punched him in the face, which honestly hurt me more than it hurt him. Or at least, that's what I thought until he yelled and ran at me, pulling us both over the side and hurdling towards the metal ground below.

I dropped my shield along the way as well as the new chip that needed to desperately replace the old one. It slid past him, but I don't think he noticed, as he started at me all over again as we both stood up.

I kneed him, he punched me, we held onto one another seemingly for stability even though it felt more like a death wish. He wailed me in the face with his metal arm and I went flying into the air, but luckily landed next to the chip and was able to grab it before I stood.

He punched it out of my hand, so I wailed him back and he stepped back in surprise... I kicked him and he fell, but I had to get down there, too, to get that damned chip.

I ran for it, but he hit me with my own shield and came running back. He really is relentless. He shot at me and then came at me with the stupid knife again. And then he proceeded to stab me in my shoulder with it.

I head butted him twice but he threw me to the wall and left the knife embedded in my skin. I yanked it out and went up to him just as he took the chip in hand.

I took him by the throat and lifted him up and he didn't let go, so I slammed his body to the ground and held him there. "Drop it!" I demanded. He punched me. I felt a prickle in my eyes as I twisted his arm and heard something snap. "Drop it!" I repeated. He wouldn't.

I fell to the ground and took him into a choke hold, placing his metal arm under my leg. We were so... close... but I literally had to choke him for him to let go. So I did.

I grabbed the chip as he was rendered unconscious and ran for the holding cell again."One minute," I heard Hill announce on the radio. I managed to swing myself up onto the upper deck where the holding cell was.

I really was a man out of time in every sense of the word.

I heard a gun fire- I fell to the ground as Bucky had just shot me in the leg... but I continued up and up and up.

He shot me again. "30 seconds, Cap," Hill announced.

"Stand by," I barely managed to reply. "Charlie-" he shot me again. I fell to the ground. I know I need to do this but... I don't know if I'll make it this time. I could barely breathe and- this time, he'd shot me straight through the abdomen. Might as well have ripped my heart out.

I crawled and forced myself to become upright and placed the chip into it's place. "Charlie lock," I finally said.

"Okay, Cap, get outta there," she warned me.

"Fire now," I told her. I knew I wasn't getting out of there. At least not the same optimistic man I used to be, seeing as Bucky felt like a lost cause. I knew what I was doing.

"But, Steve-"

"Do it!" I yelled. "Do it now!"

She did. I heard the guns firing and the ship beneath me begin to crumble. We were finally going down together, just as we should have the first time.

But then I heard him start to scream. He was trapped beneath a beam. Suddenly, the shooting stopped, but we certainly never stopped falling out of the sky. I assumed the other two had already fallen, though, now all I had to do was manage to get out of the last one.

I decided to jump down to him. I had to save him. I didn't get to the first time because I'm stupid. Now? This is my chance... the helicarrier hit the Triskelion as we began to free fall. It was now or never.

I started lifting the beam with everything I had. He managed to get out and then stood before me. He appeared almost confused at the fact that I'd just helped him after he very obviously was trying to kill me.

"You know me," I told him. He looked at me from the side.

"No, I don't!" he yelled, punching me to the floor with rage. Though, it didn't feel like rage towards me or anyone else, for that matter. It felt like he was angry at himself for feeling so conflicted over all of this.

"Bucky," I started, panting. "You've known me your whole life." He hit me again, straight in the face. It felt like he was fighting me, but didn't want to, almost. "Your name... is James Buchanan Barnes."

"Shut up!" he shouted, punching me to the floor. It didn't feel like him. Not now. Not anymore.

I pulled my helmet off and, just then, I saw something sparkle in his eyes like he wanted to know me. He wanted to. That, for me, was enough to keep on. "I'm not gonna fight you," I declared, dropping my shield and listening to it fall between the cracks and down to the Earth, away from us. I took in a breath. "You're my friend," I said, not wanting to be, you know, overwhelming with the whole 1940s gay romance thing just yet.

He ran at me, yelling, and tackled me to the ground. "You're my mission," he growled, his face contorting as he rested above me. He started punching me in the face repeatedly until I could barely keep my eyes open. "You're... my... mission..." he continued.

He winded up again like he was going to- but he didn't. He stopped and just looked at me. God, this reminds me of that time on the streets of Brooklyn when he beat that guy up for calling me names. I want that Bucky back.

"Then finish it," I told him. "'Cause I'm with you- 'til the... end of the line."

His eyes got big and I couldn't even begin to read the expression on his face, but he didn't move and with that, I knew we were getting somewhere. He lowered his hand and, immediately, I saw the gravity of what I'd said begin to settle on his face. He remembered. I could see it clear as day.

The Charlie carrier, then, began to break in and of itself. I felt like I was falling. I was, in fact, and my back hitting the water felt like a thousand bullets. It was then that I was in and out of conscious reality. It felt like a dream, even. I wasn't sure if that conversation had actually happened.

Everything went dark as the silence of the water enveloped me. All those nights looking up at the night sky made me realize that this was the closest I'd ever get to being up there. This is what I imagined floating up among the stars would be like.

Quiet. Serene. Alone.

I saw something glint before my face. I couldn't make it out, but it was something coming at me. Or, perhaps it was my imagination creating illusions for me as I died.

It wasn't until I felt the sun on me that I realized I hadn't died. The first thing I saw was a man walking away from me. A man who had that same glimmer about him that the certain something had in the water just before, however long ago that could have been.

After that, it went black all over again.

—————

And now? I'm in another hospital... though, I think this one's actually real this time.

~ S. R.