Dear Diary,

I would reminisce on past romances and love stories but... well, I don't have any. So I'll just get right into my entry for the day.

Speaking of today, I nearly had a tale to tell. Not quite. But almost. It'll have to do, I suppose.

You know what, I'll just explain. It'll be easier that way... instead of dancing around it.

—————

It was 4:30pm and neither one of us had talked to the other in a while. Maybe a week or so. We had both been doing our own thing, I guess. I was hanging around my mom and she was making dinner for us each night... so I couldn't exactly skip out.

He, I'm sure, was spending time with his sister Rebecca... I mean, I guess that's fine. But I kinda miss our everyday chats and meets.

Then, suddenly, out of nothing— the phone rang.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey there, Stevie," I heard a raspy voice call out to me from the other end of the line.

"Buck, hey... how've ya been?" I replied as calmly as possible. (The truth was that I was really excited though).

"Alright I guess. I miss ya, really. It's been a while. Too long, even."

"I couldn't agree more," I could feel the smile creeping onto my face. I felt like an idiot, to be completely honest.

"So... you doing anything tonight, then?" He asked.

"Uhhm... hey mom, you making dinner tonight?" I called into the kitchen. I'm sure her response was incomprehensible to Bucky over the telephone line. "Nope she's making dinner but she said I can hang out after dinner if that's okay," I said, trying not to sound too excited.

"Awesome, that sounds great," he didn't hold back any enthusiasm... in fact, he sounded ecstatic.

"What do you wanna do?" I asked, finally.

"Don't matter none to me, so long as we can hang out... maybe... I don't know, the park? I know you like that one spot."

It's true. I do love that spot. Just the right amount of light cascading it's way through the branches of the trees above us, usually green grass (even though now it won't be because it's Winter), unseasonably warm weather even for Winter (probably because of the elevation), and a perfect view of the night sky once the sun goes down. "Sounds perfect," I replied.

We said our goodbyes and hung up, planning to meet at the usually beautiful cherry blossom tree (though, it wasn't in bloom right now because it was still cold out) at 9 o'clock.

• • •

When I arrived at nine on the dot he was already there, sitting alone under the tree in his heavy winter jacket and snow boots (just in case, and just like me).

"Hi," I whispered as I sat next to him. Yes, I spoke quietly for a reason. You see, there's something incredibly and soothing and serene about the city at night in the winter... even when it has yet to snow. It's usually busy and bustling streets proved to be mostly empty, though still unkempt. The silver clouds that usually lined the sky had cleared, leaving he and I with a map of the mysterious galaxy before us. Who knows what it may bring us in the future...

"Hey," he murmured back, looking over at me with an unusually confusing look in his eyes.

"It's been a while. What've you been up to?" I started.

And so we talked. For hours and hours on end we talked and the best part was that our conversations were about literally nothing. Not that it mattered, our being together was all that seemed to really make a difference.

By the time eleven hit I was dozing off... you can't blame me for being tired though, it was my mom who woke me up super early today.

"Steeeeeve... wake uuuuuuup!" He shook me until I woke up. I had fallen asleep on his shoulder, I guess... somehow. Either way it didn't matter in the least.

When I stared up into the abyss of night above us, its darkness enveloped me, leaving its everlasting mark of curiosity on my soul and an imperishable twinkle in my eyes. As I glanced over at Bucky, who was also seemingly lost in the night's eternal lake, he looked dazed. Never blinking, he almost seemed to be calmed by the serenity of the stars who rested neatly in their fixed slots. It was as if he had discovered the moon and its craters for the first time and the fascination that presented itself in that fleeting moment had taken over his thoughts and left nothing behind.

The utter stillness of his body and the ominous look spread across his face intrigued me, pulling me in closer every second as I tried to fight it. On such a clear night, though, how could one do anything other than stare into the never ending darkness of what stood before them? Sure, I didn't blame him for not looking over, but I surely wasn't delighted at the fact.

After what felt like years he broke the spell and turned to look at me. The stars were still sparkling across his face and the moon was still beating in his chest, I knew this almost as if I could sense it.

My morals told me to run. To get up and to walk away almost like this moment shouldn't even be real, that it isn't. Yet, inevitably, there was a part of me that just had to stay. My instincts grounded me and held me to the frigid grass, forcing my gaze deeper and deeper into his mind. I searched through galaxies and nebulae, across each and every planet, star and moon for an answer. For something that could change my mind. For something that would change my ways that, somehow, had already been set in stone.

But there was no changing my mind now. It was already too late. And it's just as well.

He was glazed over, as if all that was Bucky had been stripped away and all that the night sky had left behind was a shell. Though, while this was all there was to be seen by the naked eye, I felt the need to look deeper. Within his glassy eyes hid my friend. My buddy ol' pal... I could see him in there. Like he wanted to say something but couldn't.

No, this look of mere terror on his face was neither from the stars nor from moon. The night had been only a shield that which he used to hide from me. It worked, yes, but now I'm left feeling concerned. What is it then, if not an amazing view, that could have possibly left him feeling and looking so incredibly weak?

He moved unprecedentedly closer. Though I was petrified I didn't move. I trusted him, yes, even when I had no idea what he was up to.

There was a strange pang in my chest that rattled my bones and rung in my ears like an impulse. I was compelled to join him on his journey to close the still undetermined median between us.

He was so close to my face, his light eyes flickering up and down from my own eyes to my lips and back again. Over and over and over until I could barely stand it. My heart was racing and my thoughts were rushing every which way like I wasn't in any control whatsoever.

Saliva gathered and my tongue felt heavy as I closed my eyes at this new sensation. I felt the need to readjust myself... as if my pants were tighter. It was hot, suddenly, and I was blushing out if nowhere (though I really hope he didn't see that).

We were so close to touching every second and yet neither of us moved from this spot. Nothing was said, no looks were exchanged, nothing at all until:

"We..." he whispered, "we should, uh, get goin', Steve," Bucky said, pulling a bit away from my face. In absolute astonishment my words held themselves back for a while.

Though, eventually, they came (just as all things do). "Oh... yea, sure. It's late anyway," I responded.

—————

And that was that. We packed up our things and left for home. He walked me to my door and then left, waving at my mom.

After that I headed straight for bed. There's too much stuff whirling around in my brain... too much. I needed to relax for a bit.

About today though, I have no idea what happened. No, nothing actually did occur but, yes, something almost did.

Let bygones be bygones I suppose is one way I could look at it, though (if in any reality, I were to have a choice such as one that would allow me to forget) I wouldn't chose to remove anything from my recollection.

My memories are what they are: each and every one is significant whether or not I deem them to be so. Everything matters in the end.

Maybe it's best if I just let everything fall where it's supposed to.

With love (<- for Valentine's Day),

~ Steven Grant Rogers