Dear Diary,

We've been put on a little break time, even at the hight of the war... I mean, it's Christmas for fucks sake!

Though, the war isn't exactly halting for the festivities, we sure as Hell plan on getting drunk anyway.

—————

Crocker's Folly, again, was the unanimous vote for the bar tonight. I suppose it's a favorite among all the military personnel and not just Bucky and I.

We walk in and literally everyone is there already. Fashionably late (again), I suppose. Peggy sends me a look as if she knew what we were doing that made us so late and, I would have called her out on it but, she was right, so.

"Steve, it's good to see you again."

"Ma'am," Bucky greets her, looking her up and down, as she was in a rather show-y red dress. Ok, but, I don't know if I'm making this all up or not but either Bucky was taking this little game of his a bit too seriously or, perhaps, he was a bit more interested in women than I had originally noticed.

I smile, ignoring everything else, "Good to see you too, Peggy."

"I know it's Christmas and all, but we've just gotten word on the whereabouts of the Red Skull. Nothing too specific just yet, but we know he's hiding out somewhere in the Alps. We've already started strategizing."

"I- well, that's great news," I replied, looking at Bucky who, then, agreed.

"Yes, it truly is. I hope you know well that you are going to make history, Steve. That thi-"

"Not to be rude, Agent Carter," Bucky interrupted (rather rudely, maybe because she wasn't showing him any attention or interest). "But, come on. It's Christmas. Let's all just forget about this war for five minutes and have a drink. I think we all need it."

"Well, I suppose you're right," she agreed, walking away to go talk with some of the other army guys... the ones that, you know, haven't come out as gay and might actually try to go home with her tonight.

Bucky turned to me. "She's right, you know."

I felt my face crinkle in confusion as I chuckled slightly. "How do you mean?"

"About what you're becoming. Who you've already become, even. You're a hero, Steve, and you've got to know that by now," Bucky explained.

"Well, you and everyone else ought to know that you'll be right there next to me an-"

"No," he interrupted. "I won't be in the history books, Steve, that's for you," he conceded, leaning into my ear and lowering his voice. "But, I loved you first. As long as they get that right, I don't care what they say."

I smiled at him, knowing damn well that he was right about all of that, even though there was no chance there'd be an us going down in history.

Bucky bought me some beer and we joined the rest of them. Hell, even Peggy had a drink, though it was colorful and I have no idea what it was actually called.

I lost track of how many drinks I had and, a few people even tried to tell me to slow down but, to be honest, I wanted to feel that buzz. It was invigorating and it wasn't like we drove here or anything. The hotel was just down the street.

The only problem with all of this was, no matter how fast I drank and no matter the alcohol content (as, eventually I switched to Bruichladdich, which is the most alcoholic single malt whiskey they had here, with a 92% alcohol content), I could not seem to feel the effects at all.

I felt like I was going mad, how the Hell could this not be working? I could see Bucky was getting drunk and Peggy, even, too. What about me? I was the biggest lightweight ever! Though, I suppose was is the keyword in that sentence...

I remembered how Dr. Erskine screwed me over with this four-times-stronger-than-the-average-human stomach. Sometimes this serum truly felt more like a curse than a gift.

Oh well.

Eventually, I felt Bucky start to hang on me. Sure, it was usually me that was the one to do that but, I guess today was no longer my day. I was just talking to some of the guys and Peggy when he started looking at me across the way like he wanted to fuck me right there in front of everyone.

I looked away.

When I finally looked back, he was gone. Allow me to rephrase that: he was right next to me, instead. First, he tried to hold my hand, which, I could not allow to happen. Then he started touching me all over my body like we were alone. Of course, next, he goes in for a kiss.

I started to lean out of it, trying with everything that I was not to make it obvious or to hurt his drunken feelings.

Peggy, who was literally right there on my right (as Bucky was on my left) then decides to jump in and 'save the day'. She looks up at me and whispers "go along with it," and pulls my face down to hers and kisses me.

By kisses me, though, I don't exactly mean a peck. I mean, her tongue is in my mouth dancing a strange, almost unrecognizable, dance with my own and her hands are at my shoulders tugging down at my neck, her fingers running through my hair, and I, to my own disbelief, find my arms wrapped around her waist pulling her in and slipping fingers a lot lower than they should have gone while she was, somehow, also, pushed up against the bar and she's humming into my mouth in pleasure as her back arches to feel every inch of my massive body towering over and touching her small, gentle one and she bites my lip between her teeth and- I pull away, not sure what it was I was feeling as I was obviously out of breath, and look down at her in complete and utter awe.

"Go," she says reluctantly, looking over at the bathroom where I see Bucky entering.

"Thank you," I reply before running off to find him.

Now, surely I don't like her like that but... that was one Hell of a kiss. I could feel all that she was blossoming within it like some sort of aura that was exchanged between the two of us. Sure, I could see that she was beautiful and, I guess, a kiss is a kiss- but I'd never... I mean, I love Bucky. God, this is all so confusing!

The door swings open and I say, "Anyone in here?" and there's no other answer beside's Bucky's quiet acknowledgment, so I lock the main door behind me.

I glance in the mirror at myself and fix my hair as well as wipe my face of the red lipstick Peggy had left behind.

I go looking for him and find him standing in one of the three stalls.

"St- eeeeheheeevie! I knnnnnew you'd come for me- oops, hehe, that's-"

"What she said, I know," I finished his mumbly, imperfect sentence with a chuckle.

His smile slowly faded into that other look I remembered from before. He pulled me into the stall and pushed me into the door as he shut it. "Kiss me, Stevie," he said perfectly and without stumbling one bit. I felt myself melt at those words and felt like I had no other choice but to give in to these terribly unavoidable desires.

I pulled him into me and let out tongues be together again, finally, even though mine had just been with Peggy's (though, he knew as well as I did that I felt nothing for Peggy and that it was all just a ploy to get us in here together anyway, so it was okay). I pulled him into me as much as he would go and inhaled deeply through my nose, smelling his perfect cologne and tasting that beer on his lips... to me, ugh, it tasted like candy and fueled my sexual energy for him in that moment.

Sure, the whiskey I drank didn't get me drunk like I wanted it to... but, Hell, if I said I wasn't hornier than I was before I'd be a damn liar. I mean, really, I almost got a boner making out with Peggy with those gross, drunken old guys watching and cheering us on and I'm legitimately not even attracted to women.

I felt his hard on pressed up against my leg and I'm sure he felt my raging boner against his hip... I felt like I was gonna pop a button on my slacks in a second if I didn't undo them and start pumping or have him... ugh!

And then a knock at the door.

He pulled away and readjusted himself as I also did myself, both of us in extreme panic mode. We left the stall and his Boner was somehow not even visible, given the size he was. Me, though? If only I was lucky enough in that moment. Can I wish I had my old dick again for like, three minutes? I looked at myself in the mirror and it was so incredibly massive and obvious, I might as well announce the fact that I have a boner to the whole bar, as they were about to find out anyway.

"Fucking Hell, Steve, you're so damn hard for me," he murmured, looking up at me with those eyes feeling like they might burn a hole through my skin. His hand met my crotch through my pants and I backed up until I hit the wall because I knew I should let myself just calm down so this guy could come in and pee and leave and stop with his incessant knocking, but I couldn't help myself.

He grabbed me and massaged me though the fabric which had stretched far beyond what I would have thought it was capable of doing. I heard myself moaning as quietly as I could into the air between us until the man eventually walked away... or went into the women's room, I suppose, if he had to go that bad.

"Bucky, please, ugh you gotta w-wait I think I-" but he refused to slow down so I just quit and let it all happen to me.

I finished in my pants and, Goddamn, it was a lot. I mean, it wasn't like this was something that had never happened to me before... though, it's been a while. Anyway, even after I cleaned it all up, I still had to pull my shirt out from my pants and hang my suspenders at my sides to hide the dark stain on my light brown dress pants.

When we finally walked out, the man at the door had left- Hell, everyone had left and I went up to the bartender to ask him what happened to them all.

"Excuse me, sir, um... do you know where that group went with th-"

"With all the lads and the beautiful woman in the red dress? They left. She told me to tell you that you could thank her later."

"Ah, I see, thanks."

"No problem, and let me just say, you're a lucky lad yourself with a lady like her."

I cleared my throat. "Uh, thanks," I sent him a smile, and we were on our way.

—————

So, I'm honestly not even sure what to make of all this. I suppose after I kissed Peggy I felt something but it wasn't like it was for her specifically because, obviously I'm in love with Bucky... it's just hard to figure out what all this means in a finite way.

Perhaps it was the idea of her? Meaning, what... that I'm sexually attracted to women, too? Hell, I don't think that's it... is it? God, is that possible? Like, is that a thing that actually even happens to people? I thought everyone just kind of liked one or the other and that was that.

Though, feeling the way I feel right now, I'm getting the sense that I was wrong. At least I'm willing to admit it.

I've never really felt like this before and it's making all of this all that much more confusing. Alright, alright, hold on. I have to face the music eventually, right?

Looking at this all objectively, it seems as though I was unaware that I'm attracted to both men and women, though I prefer men by a damn lot. It's nearly 90:10 here on a 100 scale men:women... None of this means that the kiss between Peggy and I was just a kiss, not in any sense of the word.

No, I wouldn't ever want to be with a woman past this, as I suppose this was just something I had to do in order to learn more about who I am for mine and Bucky's future, as it has to have been fate, but, still.

Hell, I never want to be with anyone other than Bucky and I think this is what it took for me to see that, sure, I have the potential to be attracted to everyone but that doesn't change a damn thing when it comes to loving him and wanting to be with only him until the bitter end. I guess that really says something about what we have, huh?

Fuck, I really am losing my damn mind.

~ Steve Rogers