Dearest Diary,

It feels so surreal. It's almost like I don't even know how to act around him anymore because of how long we've been apart from one another.

Is that weird?

—————

I walked through the muddy grass as quietly as I could towards his green tent. When I got there, I slowly unzipped the zipper and crawled in, kicking off my dirty boots on the way.

My eyes got caught in line with his and he smiled in my direction just before I spun around to close the zipper behind me.

"Took you long enough," he whispered, coming up from behind me and kissing my neck as he attempted to wrap his arms around me. I chuckled as he was unable to get his arms fully around my now larger arms and torso.

I turned around and sat on the ground as he kneeled before me, our heads at the same height for once. It felt kind of... strange, for me to be the bigger one this go around.

"Buck, I mean- you sure this-"

"Of course it is," he cut me off. "Sure, it's new, but this is gonna work, Steve. I know it is."

"Good. Because I don't know what I'm gonna do if it doesn't," I replied.

He smiled at me, remembering when he'd said that to me all those years ago when I'd had that real bad case of pneumonia.

"So... does this mean I..." he started, not exactly finishing his sentence.

"You...?" I asked, wondering what the Hell he was going on about.

"Do you still want... like, umm... are you gonna... well, should I, uh, still top?" he asked very, very awkwardly.

I felt my face burn up as it probably started to glow a bright red and light up the whole tent with my embarrassment.

"My God, Steve, you still do that?" he remarked, regarding my very obvious blushing.

"Shut up," I said, trying to hide my smile.

"C'mere," he went on, yet again resuming his place as the one who was in control.

I approached him as I entered the small tent further. His hand made its way around my neck as he directed me to lay on the sleeping bags below him. He rested his ribs between my hips just as he used to do and leaned over my body with his hands around my head.

This wasn't too strange after all, I thought. I mean, he's not really all that much shorter than I am now anyway, so it's not like the proportions are as offset as I expected them to be.

He lifted up my shirt and ran his cold fingers all along my stomach, making me quiver where I laid. He pulled the wife beater up to my collar bone and left it there as he kissed down my stomach and to the button on my pants.

I looked down and we made eye contact just before he took the fabric into his mouth and undid the button like that. I let my head fall back as he used his hands to move the rest of the fabric out of the way, leaving just my underwear behind after he had removed my pants completely.

"Buck-" I started, grasping at his jaw and neck before pulling him up to my face to meet my lips with his.

Within an instant, it felt like our tongues were at war to see who would take all power. Our hands scoured each other's bodies for something to grab or pull or remove but, soon, there was nothing left to remove other than our underwear.

I pulled away from this fight for power and looked at him straight in his eyes. There wasn't much of an expression on his face other than the obvious yearn for pleasure through the usual dominance.

I, though, wanted to try something different.

I took him by the waist and swung him around me, placing him below my body as I laid between his legs. The look on his face displayed pure shock and a sense of wonderlust. It was almost as if he was asking me to continue - even if it were to be just for a moment - to see if maybe, just maybe, this change would have some sort of effect on our dynamic.

I grabbed his face and kissed him like nothing I had ever known myself to be capable of. I let my fingers wander along his bare chest and abdomen for a moment as I tested what he was willing to let me do.

This felt like a side of me I wasn't sure I was ready to explore just yet, but sure as Hell was curious about.

He moaned into my mouth just before I pulled away and made my way down to his neck, where I allowed my hot breath to skim across his skin. I licked up to his earlobe and bit down gently, making him pull tighter on my back so that I might come further down onto him.

I kissed his neck and made sure to make my way down to his chest before I started to suck gently. When he moaned into the space between us at that slight change, I sucked harder and bit down on him with just enough variance so that the bruise left behind might correlate with the others that Hydra had left on his face.

I made my way back up to his face and hovered over his lips for a second before kissing him yet again, but this time adding in something I wasn't entirely sure he'd be okay with.

I bit his lip and dragged it out into the space between us just as I thrusted myself against him. As I continued on, he seemed to dig his fingers into my skin as he groaned aloud.

In a moment, just as I had begun, I stopped.

"So?" I began.

"So... what?" he replied.

"Well, how'm I doin'?" I asked.

He smiled. "Pretty damn good, I'd say," he answered, looking down at his very evident boner. "Hell, if I didn't know any better I'd assume there was someone else out there teachin' ya what to do."

"Someone else? There isn't, Buck. There never will be," I paused. "You're stuck with me... until the end of the line." He looked at me like he had nothing else to say, which explains why he then kissed me all over again.

"Mmm, Steve," he mumbled into my lips.

"Yea?"

"I- I was thinking about it... about this. About..."

"About what?" I asked, starting to worry about what he might say next.

"I think I- I don't even know how to say it," he paused for a second.

"You know you can tell me anything, Buck," I told him, feeling like the rolls had somehow switched.

"I know, I know," he waited. "So, basically, ever since I left Brooklyn, I've dreamt of this night. I've dreamt of holding you and kissing you and being inside of you and- damn, Steve, it doesn't feel like that's the way this is going and it almost feels to me like I'm liking this more."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you're the one holding me and kissing me and laying on top of me. Everything's changed and, well, neither of us can go back to what we were before. All we can do is live with the changes that've come about and move on," he tried to explain. "What I'm trying to say is that I think I want to try it like this."

"Like...?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"For fucks sake, Stevie, I want you inside of me."

I took in a deep breath. "Are you sure about that?"

"What do you mean? Of course I'm sure. I've given it a lot of thought and I really do want to know what it's li-"

"No, I don't think you quite understand the whole situation, Bucky," I interrupted him.

"Well, then, tell me."

"I have to show you."

I leaned back from where we remained and pulled his underwear down and shoved them out of the way. I looked down at him for a moment, getting lost in all the memories before I yanked my own underwear down and watched his face as my dick sprung up and hit my abdomen.

"Holy fuck," he murmured to himself. And, rightfully so.

Sure, Bucky was big. Before, I would have said he was kinda massive if I would have been asked by him or by anyone else, assuming that the whole gay thing was legal or whatever. Now? Well, when it was just me, I felt like I was probably the same size as him, but, looking us both? I had to be a good two or three inches bigger than him and I was definitely thicker. Fuck, what was I? Nine? Ten? Is that even possible?

"Steve, how the hell...?"

"It had to have been the serum. It made the rest of me bigger so, you know," I explained.

"Right, but how on Earth am I supposed to fit that inside of me?" he questioned.

"I told you, you definitely couldn't have see this coming."

"I will later, though," he replied, smirking up at me.

"Buck!" I laughed, feeling myself start to blush again as I shoved him.

We sat there and waited for a minute as we settled down from the laughing fir that transpired shortly thereafter. We were both, honestly, unsure what to do next. Sure, we wanted to finally get down to it... we just have no idea how to do it.

It's like starting all over again.

In a sense, if we were to do it like he wanted to, it'd almost be like he was having sex for the first time. Like he was losing his virginity.

God, I sound insane.

"Can we... maybe... maybe just-"

"Yea, Buck," I replied, filling his mouth with the words he couldn't think to say. "I think it's better like that, too. I just don't really think I would know what the Hell I was doing if I were to, you know, top."

He smiled at me and I felt like I was melting just waiting for him to do something like the Bucky that I used to know.

I let him slip out from under me and climb on top of me. His lips met mine and I felt as if I had suddenly been overwhelmed with that familiar feeling of simply him as that warmth washed over me. Although it was nothing like when I had taken control, the two feelings had been so different that they weren't even comparable at this point.

He dragged his lips reluctantly from mine and looked down at me with that unmistakable intent written clear across his face. I nodded so as to tell him to go ahead, I'm ready for you now just as I always have been.

I watched alongside him as he used his hand to guide himself into me, just as he did all those times before.

I shifted my gaze up to meet his eyes just as his face began to contort in pleasure from that one, simple motion. I watched him bite his lip so that he might be able to retrain himself from moaning aloud in this field of tents and sleeping soldiers.

I, though, didn't feel much. Well, that was, until he started thrusting.

I looked at him as he seemed like he could barely hold his outbursts in any longer. He also looked as though he was watching me, so that he might catch me escaping to a world all my own.

His hands met my hips as he kneeled between my legs, pushing into my from a higher angle. I groaned out into the space between us as he grabbed my ass for the first time in what felt like forever.

I grabbed at his hair and pulled him down to me. He was sweaty and out of breath and, Goddamn, I don't think I've ever seen anything more perfect. His lips hovered above mine as he attempted to catch his breath and moan and say my name all at once.

"Fuck, Steve- fuck," he said as he leaned his head within the crook of my neck, his lips meeting my ear.

I felt him, suddenly, finish inside me. That's a feeling I didn't think I would miss so much- that inexplicably euphoric warmth pulsating through me.

I reached down for myself and started giving myself a hand when he noticed I had yet to finish. His eyes man near bulged out of his skull when he saw he take hold of myself, close my eyes, and let my mouth hang open.

I felt his hands all over my body, so I opened my eyes and he was looking at me like he wanted to tea eye into his mouth but he wasn't so sure he could do it anymore. Instead, he spit into his hand and replaced mine.

Within mere seconds, I felt myself release with an incredible amount off force. When I looked at him, I saw that it had landed all over his face and that he had been licking off as much as he could.

I smiled up at him. "My god, it always has been you, hasn't it?" I said to him, not even thinking.

He chuckled. "I love you too, Stevie."

~ S. Rogers