Dear Diary,

We've been planning this elongated-honeymoon for months upon months just to make it perfect, and I don't think, after finally arriving, it could have turned out any more perfect than it did.

Everything seems so wonderful. So peaceful. It's almost as if it's so much so that I'm concerned. Or at least I feel as though I should be- and, with my track record, I think this sounds reasonable.

It's all because I've never had luck like this, I've decided. When I think of all the luck I've got, I feel like I could hold it in one hand, that's how little it really is. It feels like it's not nearly enough to support all this happiness I've created for any actual time frame I'd desire.

I just- I don't want to let my guard down because, when I do, and when I'm so incredibly happy like I am right now... that's when something unimaginably terrible happens. Every damn time.

First the WWII draft, then the train in the Alps, then Zemo and the Civil War, then cryo-freeze in Wakanda, then Thanos and The Decimation... now what? It seems never-ending.

I keep trying to convince myself that I'm making it up. That the worst is already behind us. The thing is, what if I'm wrong? What if everything I've worked for my whole life was suddenly gone with the snap of my fingers (or, rather, a certain purple space titan, that is)? What then? Sure, that's in the past and that's already happened. But, there's never, in the history of all things, been only one of anything.

That rancid thought of some other being remaining out there that's just like Thanos haunts me sometimes and I just can't seem to shake it. We, as the former-Avengers or as Bucky and Steve or as a country or as a planet or as a multiverse cannot withstand another blow like that last one. We simply won't make it out alive.

Hell, we barely made it out last time unscathed.

It seems terrible for someone as happy as myself to think this way, but it surely makes a whole lot of sense, right? I mean, if I was alone and unhappy, it wouldn't make a difference to me what happened to everyone else. But, after having had the best revival I could have ever asked for pulled out from under me so incredibly unexpectedly? Loving someone like that and losing them repeatedly? It's no wonder I'm still stalked by the remnants of terror.

I'm scarred by it all, everyone who remained after The Decimation is now, too.

Bucky knows my troubles, I've told him time and time again and he's okay with everything I've mentioned. I suppose it's all the same as my having been okay with his troubles way back before Thanos was even a glimmer in my eye.

I do think about it a lot, though, the idea that he could wake up one day and not want to deal with it anymore. Not want to have to talk me down from the fear of losing him all over again. Not want to love me anymore.

Then I told him that fear too.

He told me I was being ridiculous. I agreed. We cried and kissed and it was all better.

He damn well was right.

He always is.

—————

I woke up first today and decided to stay in bed and await his eventual awakening.

My eyes wandered around the wooded room and cathedral ceiling, across arboreal animal hides and taxidermies, over antler lamps and chandeliers, and upon the translucent, corrugated window curtains burning orange by the aging, estival sun at daybreak.

The light gave way to acres and acres of green pine, spruce, aspen and birch trees held tightly together that, seemingly, formed an impenetrable barrier between this log cabin and the whole rest of the world that remained beyond the far reach of those thick, deep-buried tree roots.

I looked out to the wood line and searched for movement, which felt like something I shouldn't be doing without Bucky, seeing as it was something we always did together at dusk in search of crepuscular fauna. I spotted something large, perhaps a deer, elk, moose or even a bear, which is something we had yet to see.

The birds wondrously bursted into song, filling my ears with an unmatchable, almost magical, melody. And the wind rustling through the trees around us seemed to create music all its own as it whispered secrets from leaf to leaf in harmonic psithurism.

How I never wanted to leave.

My eyes shifted to him, to his glowing face and messy brown hair, to his perfect imperfections, to the rising and falling of his chest.

He stirred in his sleep, certainly internally sensing that it was morning, and flickered his eyelids open to set his beautiful blue irises upon my own.

"Someone's up early," he smiled, closing his eyes anew and stretching beneath the covers.

"It was the birds again," I chuckled. "They're so damn loud in the morning."

"Enjoy it while you got it," he pointed out. "There ain't none of that in The City."

"I know, I know," I smiled, leaning back into my pillow. "I could lay here for hours."

"Me too," he agreed. "And, we can, you know."

"Yea, not like there's anything set in stone for today," I opened my eyes again and looked at him, as he was already looking at me. "You know, because we're alone and all."

"Oh, are we?" he made a face. "I hadn't noticed," he grabbed my torso and pulled me onto him.

I smiled at him as he smiled too, our faces close together. "Not to ruin the moment, but, seriously, come brush your teeth with me. I can't deal with your morning breath."

"Ouch, married a couple of months and you're already giving me shit?" he chuckled, getting up and following me to the bathroom. "I thought the honeymoon phase was suppose to at least outlast the actual honeymoon itself."

"Not with whatever died in your mouth last night," I started brushing my teeth.

He squeezed the toothpaste onto his toothbrush and smirked at me. "Well, you know, the only thing that was actually in your mouth last night was my d-"

"Mmm!" I spit. "I got it, I know, I was there."

"As long as you know," he smiled and started brushing.

"So, what do you actually wanna do today?" I asked.

He spit. "The Hell if I know," he rinsed off his toothbrush and put everything away. He motioned for me to follow him back into the bedroom, so I did.

We sat on the bed and said nothing.

I breathed out sharply. "D'you ever miss what we were?"

"What do you mean?" he returned.

"Just, the '30s and the simplicity of it and... not knowing what we'd become...?"

"Yea," he looked at me. "I miss all the good stuff you're talking about. Rikki, Sarah, Dad... all of that makes me wanna go back and stay there forever. But, not being able to have this? Now, I don't know if that's worth it."

"That's true, I didn't even think about that aspect," I replied. "Though, I suppose I'm an o-"

"Optimist. I know, you always have been," he smiled. "Don't worry. Luckily, that's one of the many things I love about you."

"My child-like, unguided, happy-go-lucky optimism? Lovely," I laughed.

He laughed. "Just, you know, seeing the world as something good. After everything that we've been through, holding onto something so simple and pure is incredible. I admire your tenacity to it, actually."

I smiled, saying nothing, seeing as I couldn't think of anything to say after something so kind fell from his lips.

"Well?" he asked.

"Hmm?"

"What's the plan?"

"I asked you first," I deflected.

"Yea, but I'm older," he reminded me.

I shrugged and smiled. "I don't think that point specifically is valid after a hundred years of actually living."

"Ugh, fine." He sat and thought.

"We could sit outside," I proposed. "Or... go back to sleep or watch tv or listen to the radio...?"

He laid back and brought his hands to his face, letting out a breath. "Sleeeeeeeep."

I smiled and climbed on top of him, my legs straddling his waist. "Mmmm, orrrr..."

His head propped up as his wide-eyes met mine with curiosity. "Or...?" he questioned, knowing full well what I was thinking.

I leaned down and allowed my bare chest to meet his, hovering my lips over his lips. "Take a guess."

"Hmm," he closed his eyes. "You wanna play Monopoly?"

"How'd you know?" I leaned back and started to stand up.

He grabbed my wrist in his metal hand and yanked me back down onto his body. "C'mere," he mumbled before kissing me without warning.

I pulled my lips away from his. "Hey, hey, hey, I thought you meant the board game Monopoly, not the idea of you having a very literal monopoly over, well, me."

"We're married, I actually do have a literal monopoly over you, you punk," he smiled.

"Good point," I agreed with a sideways smile. "In that case," I leaned back over him and kissed him again, letting the warmth surge through my body the same as it always has since the beginning.

His hands meandered across my skin, sending tingles all across my body and giving me chills, as if I could actually be cold in the middle of the summer.

"You know," he started, keeping his lips close to mine. "This isn't gonna last all day, not by any means."

"Why not?" I contradicted him. "We are super soldiers; we have abilities far greater than the average man."

"But I-"

"But nothing," I grabbed his waist and repositioned my legs in between his. "If you're not willing or not able to go on, I'll simply take your place."

"We haven't fully done that sinc-"

"The '40s, I remember," I chuckled. "But it's not like I don't remember how or anything."

"Okay well, we'll see."

"We'll see? That's all I get?" I started grinding on him like we were actually going to continue like this.

"Mmm, Steve," he closed his eyes and threw his head back. "Don't tempt me."

I smirked to myself and started touching him all over with my hands, kissing him anew and ignoring the usual routine. Sometimes, switching it up was a good idea, right? For spontaneity's sake.

I licked my way out of his mouth. "Tempt you how?"

He snickered. "Take a guess," he rolled his eyes open and looked up at me immodestly, reaching up to my lips with his tongue and grabbing my nether lip between his teeth before leaning back down.

I breathed out and bent down, thrusting down onto him, to just kiss the daylights out of him when he pushed me over and climbed on top and started doing just that, and entirely the same as I would have. Only better.

He grabbed at my legs and met my knee, pulling it up and practically slinging it over his shoulder just so he could best me.

"This is how you really do it, you know," he thrusted without stopping and took my face into his free hand to get closer to my lips.

I smirked and let out a little chuckle all to myself. "No, not entirely," I commented, pushing him back the way he came and, this time, positioning myself lower than him so I could pull his underwear off and throw them into the same pile not he floor that mine would be in.

I crawled back onto him and kissed him like the devil, grinding on him and feeling the both of our dicks rubbing together and between our hot, sweaty abdomens.

He moaned out between us, making me kiss him even more crazily.

I moved myself lower and prodded around to test his mood on the subject.

He looked up, met my eyes and nodded. "Do it," he demanded breathily.

I did.

I pushed into him and he flinched, but I kept going like I knew he would have told me to do if I would've asked. He grabbed my face and brought me down to his lips, sweeping his tongue through my mouth and running his fingers through my hair.

He moaned uncontrollably like I always had, letting me see anew what it was like to be this way. I caught his eyes open, though, as our lips parted, and read something strange within his pupils.

He grabbed my waist mid-thrust and yanked me out, throwing me beneath him and pushing into me himself. This act of switching mid-sex was something we'd literally never done before and, Christ, I don't know why the Hell not. It's fun.

His hand took my dick into itself and started moving along with his own hip motions and I couldn't help but to take his place and groan aloud. We went on like this for what felt like forever, but for what actually was nothing close to such a time.

I heard string of curses fill the air and I couldn't be sure if they were from my mouth or his, but we both seemed to miraculously finish at the same time.

He looked down at the mess I'd made, only to pull out and display the mess he'd made.

"Shower time?" he proposed.

I smiled. "Then Monopoly."

"Deal."

—————

It's times like these that make me feel like we're still kids.

The fact that we still fit together so effortlessly and so perfectly doesn't even amaze me because it's just always been this way. It's no wonder we've lasted all this time, really.

I can't wait to spend forever together like we are now because it's been a Hell of a ride getting here, even though I enjoyed... most of it.

Oh, and, this honeymoon was everything I ever dreamt it to be, truly. I just, I love being home. It reminds me of simpler times, and that's something Bucky and I both need dearly. Getting back to that sense of normalcy is much needed and will be taken to wonderfully once we arrive upon it.

To think of all the time that's passed us by and of all the stuff we've been through together... and of all the stuff we've been through alone.

Incredible.

~ Steve Rogers-Barnes