Entry 3047

To remember or to forget. 

If I really wanted to forget, I wouldn't write. 

If I truly want to remember, I would write. 

I always did wonder what everyone thinks of me? Little ole me, quite naive and untrusting. Trusting someone is hard. Hard to explain. Hard to tell. I don't want to explain. Yet I am. What am I to know? Do everyone find me nice to be friends with or simply a burden? What I am I to them when I can't even trust my own self. 

Truly. 

A conflict within my self. 

To everyone, I seem okay. To myself. I am not. 

Am I fine or am I not?

Am I okay or not?

Will anyone care or not?

I always wonder, think to myself, imagine, everyone simply leaving me? Will it ever happen or will it not? There is not much to say anymore. How can I? Where I go, something disastrous will follow. Am I simply a plague? Or am I simply a thorn in everyone side? 

Sometimes people tell me that I can always talk to them if I'm not okay. 

How can I reached out when I'm not confident to do so? Scared it would only hurt more. Scared that no one would understand. 

They always say that the eyes is the window to one soul. Yet. The mental mind and emotions does the same, but in a more...expressive way, I suppose. Why do I still write this? Am I really going to let someone find this? 

No. 

I won't.

My shadow does not need to know the inner conflicts within my mind. 

My S- Creation does not need to know either. 

No one should.

Yet. 

Someone does. 

Someone in tune with emotions knows. 

Knows what I feel, everyday. 

Sometimes. I just want to disappeared. Yet this endless loop prevents me from doing so.

To renew something over and over and over. To feel the same pain get worst and worst and worst. So much more then before. Leaving me left broken each time. 

Yet. 

I have grown used to this already. 

I have grown used to this pain. 

This constant aching in my soul. 

I lounge to feel peace, forgotten, safe, happy. Yet. I can never have it. I cannot be forgotten for I am remembered by everyone. I can't feel safe without immense guilt. I can't feel peace when I'm always conflicted. I can't be happy when I believe it's all fake. 

What am I now? 

A naive fool?

Or someone that constantly hides behind a mask. A mask that I always kept on. Am I genuinely happy or not? Will I truly be fixed or not? I can't tell anymore honestly. 

My time here is limited. 

Isolation. 

Unmotivated. 

Tired. 

Hurting. 

Hopeless. 

Lonely. 

Unhappy. 

Is this simply just a game? A story for people to read? Something for curious people to see?

Honestly. I do not know anymore. 

I must go. I need to continue the endless loop. 

I have to stay strong for everyone. 

For Orange Steve and everyone else. 

For my son, Origin Steve. 

For my Friends. 

Even if I have to be broken even more, to keep them all safe and happy...

This is my sacrifice for them all...

Sincerely, 
Sabre